Original subtitles

Hey, Kim, what time does Mom and Dad's flight come in? Around 5, same time as

Greg's parents.

Which is great, because we can pick everyone up at once.

Yeah, that should be fun. My mother won't let me drive on the freeway, and

father has to announce every sign we pass like it's a national monument.

Home Depot!

Kinko!

Jibbitloo!

Hey, you're the one who wanted the grandparents to come to us this year. I

have been happy going back east. No, I can't deal with the politics of who we

stay with.

I mean, my mother's still talking about that extra day we spent with your

parents last spring, or she refers to it Black Easter.

Yeah, everybody wants to be the A grandparents.

What? You know, the A grandparents, the favorites. You know, think about your

own grandparents. I'm sure there was like an A set who you couldn't wait to

and then there was like a B set who, you know, you liked.

That's ridiculous.

I loved all my grandparents.

Of course you loved all your grandparents, but for kids, there's

that's just a notch above the others. It's natural.

I would have to say that Pop -Pop and Nana were my A -grandparents.

They were terrible drunks, but they had two of the cutest little ponies.

Scotch and rocks.

Well, the ponies were cool when we were little, but when I was in high school, I

liked to stay with Grandma and Grandpa. One was blind, one was deaf.

I should say, sneaking out wasn't much of a challenge.

Or sneaking in. One morning, Grandma came into the guest room, and I was just

standing there naked, okay?

And I knew she was blind, so I just froze, you know?

I must have stood like this for half an hour while she cleaned the room.

Jimmy, Grandma was the deaf one.

Well, I wish somebody would have told me that before I just stood there and let

her dust my ass.

Well, I don't think everyone has to have A and B grandparents.

I don't think Sam will. Do you?

Um, no.

I think both of our parents are going to be the A grandparents.

Definitely.

So, Greg's parents are the B grandparents?

Definitely.

Greg's mother is afraid of the freeways, and Greg is afraid of his mother.

My dad's getting their luggage. I guess I should go help.

You better be careful. Walk around the grass. You may be afraid of the

Like a dad giving him candy instead of real affection.

Just like our childhood, except there was no candy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, Kimmy. Don't let the big guys get all

candy. Mom, how was the flight?

It was okay.

Your father sat in first class.

I was in coach.

Dad. There's very strict rules.

When you work for an airline for 30 years, you fly first class for free.

When you nag somebody that works for an airline for 30 years, you pay for coach.

And when you divorce the guy you nag for 30 years, you get to pay with half his

money.

Hey, Sammy, look, your grandparents are here.

Hey,

how was your trip?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Natalie and I joined the Mile High Club.

What? Die, Mile.

Oh,

thank God. Hey, Sammy, come over here. Your grandparents are here.

Hi, Natalie.

Look at you, how skinny you are.

You're like a stick.

A stick with boobies.

Thanks. I think.

Hi, Sammy.

Hi, Sam.

Give him the present you brought him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, Sammy, look

Oh, here, hold that, Lee.

We brought you a little something.

Hold that, Lee.

Just... Dad,

what's with all the tissues?

Your mother made me take it from the plane.

Sometimes I get the sniffles after I travel.

Well, you have tissue, Mom. Well, I know that, sweetie, but this was free.

Speaking of which, I need to put this equal away.

You stole the equal off the plane?

No, no, no. I took this from the Starbucks in the airport.

Five bucks for a cup of coffee. They're lucky I didn't walk out with a chair.

Here it is.

Look, Sammy. Look what I got you. Look, it's a watch.

See how shiny it is?

The nice insurance man gave it to me.

I'll tell you what. Let me just set this for you. Who wants to play airplane and

fly around the room like when I was a pilot?

Dad, don't lie to them. You were a baggage handler.

Okay. Who wants to get thrown around the room like a suitcase?

All right, let's go. All aboard.

Rolling up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sam, hold on a minute.

Dad, I really don't think you care. It's a watch, Sam. I almost got it now. Just

a minute. I just got to think it up with mine here, there.

I went by it again. Hold on.

Mom, did you and Dad decide who was going to sleep on the couch?

Oh, I forgot to ask him. You can just put us both in the guest room.

Oh, but, Mom, there's only one bed in there.

Well, I know, but it's Christmas, and I forgot to get him a present.

Five less minutes of sleep won't kill me.

This is a, uh,

uh, Steptorhinosaurus.

And this one is a, uh, a bronto step to renaissance.

And this is a ticklesaurus.

Guys, why don't you play with Sammy?

Well, we've been sitting right here. He doesn't seem to want to come over.

Dad, if we waited for him to do things on his own, he would be hungry, naked,

and rolling around in his own filth.

Oh, that reminds me, we have got to call your mother and wish her a Merry

Christmas.

I'll just get Sammy.

No, no, he's having a wonderful time with Don and Jenny. Just leave him. We

him so rarely, it's nice just to watch him play.

Besides, we'll have other Christmases.

At least for me, if not your father.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Here we go. No, no, no, really. If he's having fun with Don and Jenny, I don't

see... Dad, they have two other grandchildren.

Sam's your only one. Play with him.

Okay.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, little guy.

I'm going to try to set this watch for him.

Sammy, did you know your grandparents went on a vacation to Alaska this year?

Yeah. They went on a big boat. Tell him about the boat. Mommy loves boats.

Sam,

Grandma and Grandpa went on a boat to Alaska.

And we saw a glacier.

Do you know what a glacier is?

It's a big piece of ice.

It's like an iceberg.

What's the difference between a glacier and an iceberg?

Well, with a glacier, you got, uh... You know, I don't know.

Gregory must have an encyclopedia. Let's look that up. You know, I'm sure we

gave him a set when he was in junior high.

Oh, Sammy!

Mr. T -Rex is getting very hungry for his favorite treat, the little baby

Jimmy, are your parents the A grandparents or the B grandparents?

Well, I don't think Logan's made up his mind yet, but for Dominic, my parents

are definitely the B grandparents.

Yeah, on his fourth birthday, my mother accidentally nicked his ear with a lit

cigarette.

Tough to come back from a burn.

Kim, your parents have got to stop. Stop what? Stop hogging Sammy. They're

hogging him. They're just playing with him.

My parents were talking to him, and they turned their back for one second, and

your dad snatches Sammy away like a hungry jackal.

Yeah,

your dad's a jackal.

It's not my father's fault. Sammy's a little kid. He's going to be drawn to

people who are more fun.

What are you trying to say?

I don't know. Your parents are just a little meek.

There's nothing wrong with being meek. The meek are going to inherit the earth.

But I'm sure as soon as they do, your parents will swoop in like jackals and

take it back.

Jackals don't swoop.

Well, you were raised by them. You should know.

What are you guys doing?

I think we're going to turn in, sweetie.

You going to bed already?

Well, you know, we're kind of tired.

And there's the time difference.

Time difference?

Oh, I forgot about that.

Dad, put down the watch.

No, no, no, I almost got it. Dad, Dad, put down the watch.

You guys are falling behind.

What?

Sam is spending all of his time with Don and Jenny, and you can't just sit there

and let them do that to you. Well, I don't think that's Don and Jenny's

Very frankly, I think Sam is a little more familiar with them.

You didn't spend that extra day at their house at Easter.

Mom, this has nothing to do with Easter. It's what they're doing. I mean, look

at them in there.

Look, they got games, a puppet show, airplane rides.

What do you guys got of watching some information on glaciers?

I know you've never been grandparents before, but there's an A and a B, and

believe me, you don't want to be the B.

B's not so bad. It's better than a C.

And a lot better than a D. Dad, there is no C and D. B is laugh.

B is laugh.

Well, how are we supposed to compete?

Just try harder. Be fun. Do things that Sammy's going to like.

Maybe I could make some hot cocoa.

Do you think Sam would like some hot cocoa? Yeah, he would love that. He

love that.

And, Dad, when I was up in the attic, I found the Night Before Christmas book

that you used to read to us on Christmas Eve.

I mean, I was hoping you'd read that to Sammy.

He's never heard that before.

You saved that book?

Yeah, that was a big part of Christmas for me.

Gosh, I'd love to read that to Sammy. Boy, that would be wonderful.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house..." Let's save

for Sammy, okay? Let's save that for Sammy.

Hey, but this is going to be great. Sammy's going to love this. A new

with his grandparents.

I'm telling you guys, it's not too late to turn this thing around.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

I can't believe your father just picked up my book and started reading towards

the night before Christmas. It's not his fault. The book was just sitting there.

He never thinks for a second about anyone else but him. I mean, it's all

what he wants.

He's a selfish pig.

Is he a pig or a jackal? Make up your mind.

Well, funny, but just so you know, my family's had enough, and they're ready

fight. Greg, no one is fighting.

Well, Kim, you just don't see it because it's your family. But I bet you your

mom and dad are scheming some evil plan to steal Sam's love.

Sammy! Would you like your grandma and grandpa to give you a nice bath?

Guys,

get up here. Donna, Ginny are going to give Sam a bath.

What do you want us to do? I don't know. Get up here. Be fun. Hurry!

Grab a puppet or something. I got candy in my pocket.

We'll just get your bubbles ready and your mommy can bring you to your bath.

All right, we're going to get you all cleaned up for Santa, Sammy.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing, Tommy?

How you doing?

Hi, Sam.

We hear that you're going to take a bath.

Would you like your grandma Natalie and your grandpa Tom to give you a bath?

Yeah, and when we give little boys a bath, we give them candy.

Would you like some peanut brittle?

He's allergic to peanuts.

Oh, I forgot.

Oh, gosh. What happens? He breaks out a little rash or something. It could kill

him. Oh.

Yeah, poor kid.

You never know the joy of brittle.

Never have a peanut butter sandwich.

Or Cracker Jacks.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Fiddle faddle. That's enough, Tom.

this in your purse.

What? After the bath, it's bedtime, and he won't go to bed without Lammy. He

cuddles with it. I think he likes the way it smells.

Hey, wait a minute. Give me that thing. Let me rub that all over me.

Sammy will smell that, and he'll want to cuddle with his favorite grandpa. Now

you're thinking, Dad. Now you're thinking. Give me some of that. Come

There you go. There you go.

That's the spin. We're in the game, people. We are in the game.

Where are Christine and Jimmy?

I don't know.

Probably in the back. I'll go find them so we can do this.

Do what? What are we doing?

My parents want to give us our Christmas present tonight.

No, Kim.

It's Christmas Eve. We give gifts on Christmas Day. That's the way you and I

it. That's the way my family's always done it. Yeah, Kim, it just doesn't seem

right to be opening presents on Christmas Eve. I know, but my father's

excited about it. Can't we just let him do it?

It's just another example of your father having to control everything.

Greg, I really think you're overreacting. It's just one gift.

Let's make this quick, honey.

I'm trying to get the kids to bed.

Kim, Christine, as you well know, your mother and I are separated, but one day

we'll be reunited six feet under in cemetery plots that were given to us as

wedding gift this year for Christmas.

We have purchased the plots that surround ours so that you and your

forever be adjacent to our bones.

What?

Finally, I'm a landowner.

Great. Well, I guess now they can be the A grandparents for all of eternity.

Mom. Good night.

Dad, where are you going?

I'm going to take a shower.

That lamb smells like pee.

Mom, Dad, wait.

I'm sorry, Don, but we can't accept your gift.

Greg, don't you think we should discuss this? Kim, I'm not talking about this.

I'm not talking about dying on Christmas Eve. It's sick.

In fact, from now on, no one is allowed to do anything that involves death

during the holidays.

Okay? We're not planning for dying. We're not talking about dying.

No dying, okay? That's the new rule.

You do remember you killed my grandmother on Thanksgiving, right?

I said no.

Roll.

Stand up.

Maybe you should unplug that first.

What?

Am I going to have to go through this every morning?

Dead? Yeah, we're all dead.

What happened to you?

One day I just passed away peacefully on your couch.

Really? How long did it take anyone to notice?

I had a heart attack in a nursing home when an 84 -year -old woman grabbed my

ass.

It startled me, but I think I liked it.

You know, there's a chance that all those years I was married to Jimmy that

was really a lesbian.

How hot is that?

Where's Kim?

She's buried with her husband's family. Her husband? I'm her husband.

Her second husband, honey.

Frank.

Nice guy, huh?

Yeah. Great golfer. Hell of a kisser.

What? You were dead.

Wait a minute. If Kim's remarried, what am I doing here?

You died right after Don gave us this plot. You didn't want to talk about it,

we just put you in here.

Good thing I made your arrangements. Who knows where you would have ended up for

eternity.

No!

Oh,

thank God you're alive.

I had the wildest hallucination.

You were there, and you were there, and you... You were a lesbian.

How hot is that?

You know, I'm going to go crack a window.

It smells like the last few feet of the Green Mile in here.

Sit down, honey. The ambulance is on its way. Honey, I don't need an ambulance.

And, Don, I don't need your gift.

I'm not going to be buried with you. You can't just bully everybody around.

And I want you to stop bullying around my parents, too.

I agree with you.

What?

While you were out, Kim explained to me how upset you are, and I agree with you.

Oh, yeah? Well, just because you say you agree with me doesn't make everything

all right.

What about how my parents feel?

Sweetie, we're fine with everything.

What? Yeah, Don already apologized for monopolizing all of Sammy's time and for

that rather inappropriate Christmas gift. And we discovered that Don's

may have stemmed from his relationship with his father.

How long was I out for?

Twelve minutes and thirty -three seconds. Don showed me how to set the

And Tommy and I decided no more competing.

We're all one family. Yep.

All one family.

That's why we decided we're all going to be buried together.

Jeez, what died in here?

Santa Claus comes down the chimney and puts all the toys under the tree.

You know, under that red suit and hat, you know who Santa really is?

Grandpa Tom.

Dad, we all know you want to be, you know, the A -Grandpa, but don't lie to

and tell him you're Santa Claus.

So, um...

Want to take a ride in Santa's sleigh?

Come on.

Pretty cool, huh, Sammy?

You know, I'm also the Easter Bunny.

Yeah, I'm just kidding you. I'm just Santa Claus.

Oh, boy.

Here, you better drive.