Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

Hey, what's this?

It's a little gift.

Well, that's nice, but you already gave me my birthday gift.

A coupon for a free back rub from the healing hands of Jimmy Hughes.

Hey, by the way, when are you going to take me up on that? When the sun

and beetles rule the earth.

Come on, man, you need one. I see you've got a lot of knots back here. Yeah,

well, here's another knot for you.

Do not touch me.

The gift is for you and Kim.

You guys have been so supportive with me going back to school and everything

that we wanted to get you something.

You guys shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, you didn't have to. Oh, look.

They cut out a magazine article on the Grand Canyon.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's not the gift. We didn't just rip out a magazine article for you. What do

you think we are, homeless people?

Well, technically.

You guys, we're giving you a trip.

What? A trip to the Grand Canyon.

Get out of here.

This is nice.

When did you think of this?

You guys haven't been on a vacation in a while, and we wanted to give you and

Sammy a real family vacation like the ones Kim and I used to go on.

Yeah, remember how much fun those were?

One summer, our parents took us to Colonial Williamsburg, and Christine got

arrested. Okay, that place is bogus, all right? Because, look, if the whole town

is supposed to be set in 1700s, then the gift shop shouldn't have security

cameras.

You know, my parents used to take us to Ocean City. My father would always

forget to put sunscreen on his leg. So by the end of the trip, his upper body's

tan, his butt's white, and his legs are bright red.

And one summer, I opened the wrong door, and I thought my mom was having sex

with a giant box of Neapolitan ice cream.

Greg, where did you and your family vacation?

We didn't go on family vacations. The kids would go to camp, and my parents

would go on a cruise or something.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Yeah, it was a good time. They would come back and pick me up after a week,

tan and relaxed, and we would go home and play a little game called Burn the

Ticks Off Greg.

I have always wanted to go to the Grand Canyon, though. Yeah, it's going to be

great, man. It'll be the first time I want to see it, too.

What, we're all going?

Yep. We're going to miss.

An RV?

Oh, that is not just an RV, okay? That is the brand new Jamboree Sport 2002.

Take a look at that, man.

It's got a TV, full kitchen, and a bathroom.

Yeah, I heard Ozark Magazine gave it three webbed fingers up.

When are we going? This weekend.

How are we going to drive the Grand Canyon back all in one weekend? No, it's

only seven and a half hours, okay? Friday night, we all sleep out front in

RV, only I'll go to bed really early, wake up at like two o 'clock, I'll start

driving. By the time you wake up, you'll be at the Grand Canyon.

This thing does look nice, and hey, it might be better than flying, you know?

You don't have to sit in that cramped little seat. You don't have to rent a

find a hotel.

Yeah, that's right, man. All you gotta do is relax, you go to sleep, and by the

time you wake up, you'll be at the Grand Canyon, breathing that crisp Colorado

air.

Jimmy, you do know that the Grand Canyon is in Arizona, right?

Uh, yes, but I meant the air. The air comes straight up from Colorado.

You mean comes down because Colorado is... Don't worry, I'll get a map.

This RV is like a giant limo.

It's got a big TV, DVD, surround sound stereo.

Okay, Jimmy will be here soon. He just went to fill up the gas tank.

We should chip in for gas.

Uh -uh. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. This is our thing. Seriously, we don't want you guys paying

anything.

In fact, give me your wallet.

What? Give me your wallet.

Look, I don't want you guys trying to sneak your credit cards to a waiter to

for a meal. This whole weekend is on us.

Well, I'm not going to argue with that. Thanks.

Oh, there's Jimmy.

Well, I always knew there'd be a day when Christine demanded our wallets

Jimmy would honk and a horn outside I just never thought I'd be happy about

what do you think I think you made good time seeing as you had to drive from

1972 Timmy where's the 2002 Jamboree Sport?

Well, you know, I decided to go with the classic caravan trailblazer. You know,

she's bigger, you know, better.

Plus, she's got a lot of history, you know?

Bet she's seen a lot of great family vacations, huh? Yeah, I bet she has. The

Adams family, the Manson family.

Well, I think it looks fun.

Let's start loading it up.

Whoa! Let me get that, okay? You guys are on vacation, okay? Plus, that

go in there. There's some storage space out in the back.

Jimmy, what is going on?

We're supposed to get the nice one. It's a gift from us.

I know, but when I showed up, they sprang a bunch of hidden costs on me.

Propane, insurance, service fees. This one was all we could afford.

Renting this thing cost all the money we saved?

Yeah, almost.

I saved a hundred bucks by telling them we'd hook up the hose and dump the

toilet tank ourselves.

Who's going to do that?

Prepare yourself for a very high -stakes game of rock, paper, scissors.

Ooh, that smell.

Can't you smell that smell?

It's not that bad.

I'm not going, Kim.

You have to go. It's a gift. They'd be great if you didn't go.

But, Mike, it'll be fun.

Based on what?

I don't know.

It'll be fun.

Why do people always say that and think it's a legitimate argument? It'll be

fun. Oh, come on. It'll be fun. Hey, we're going to pull out all your teeth

tomorrow. No, I don't think so. Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

So, what do you think?

I like it. It's got character.

Greg, um, I know it's not the one we showed you, but, uh, you know, they hit

Jimmy with a bunch of extra costs, and, you know, we'll clean it up before we

go, I promise. I can get a vacuum cleaner in here, and Jimmy can...

it's fine. It's fine, really. Like Kim said, it's got character.

It'll be fun.

What's that smell?

Uh, Dominic?

That stink is what our lives would smell like if it wasn't for Uncle Greg and

Aunt Kim.

Thank you.

The kids are all sleeping in their car seats.

Christine's going to sleep back there with them.

Kind of like a big slumber party. Yeah, a big slumber party.

It's like a big old filthy moldy slumber party.

Come on, they did a good job of cleaning up. You have to admit, it smells

better. It smells different. Christine must have sprayed a whole bottle of her

perfume in here.

Smells like somebody killed a stripper and put her body in a dumpster.

Will you stop it? We only have to be in this thing for a few hours, and you get

to sleep the whole way while Jimmy drives.

Now, good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Well, that one won't.

Get up. Let's go see the Grand Canyon.

Already? Yeah, it's 9 o 'clock. I slept great. I think my nose was scared to

wake up.

I told you this would all work out. Yeah, grab some bagels. We'll have

out on the... Jimmy!

What?

You didn't wake up.

Oh, man, I must have set the alarm for 2 p .m.

You went to bed at 5 o 'clock last night. How do you sleep for 16 hours?

I don't know. I guess I must have needed it.

God, I feel great.

All right, let's hit it.

Jimmy, could you please stay in one lane?

I'm trying to make up some time.

I still can't believe you overslept.

Hey, we had sex twice yesterday. Then I had a turkey club. You're lucky I'm up

now.

The kids are having a blast in the back.

They were going to watch Toy Story, but they decided to watch A Bug's Life

instead.

Not the video.

An actual bug's life.

Why are your eyes closed?

I'm trying not to throw up.

You don't feel well? No, and I don't want to talk.

Maybe if we open one of these windows.

That's cows.

Hot, hot cows.

The window's stuck.

Oh, of course it is.

Try to relax.

Guys, can we stop for some drama? I mean, Greg's not feeling well.

Yeah, I think there's a town in about 20 miles.

Maybe some music would take his mind off of it. Greg, you want some music?

Kim, I don't care. Stop making me talk.

Okay,

come on, Greg, let's go. Let me finish my ginger ale.

Come on, can't you finish in the RV?

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea. Why don't I just go up in there and dump it in

the toilet, cut out the middleman.

No, I just want you to get to the Grand Canyon so you can start having fun.

Well, then maybe you should have woke up on time.

You know, you're not making this very easy.

What? Trying to do something nice for you. I'm sorry the RV isn't perfect, but

we can still have a nice vacation. Nice vacation?

You think this is a nice vacation?

Yeah, why can't this be a nice vacation? Because on a nice vacation, you relax,

you get there the quickest way possible, you check into a nice hotel, you sleep

in a big warm bed, you eat great food. Does that sound like a nice vacation?

Yeah, that does sound like a nice vacation. So why aren't we doing that?

I can't afford that. I'm sorry if I can't afford the kind of first -class

you're used to, Your Majesty. I don't need luxury. I would settle for one

above squalor.

You know, nobody else is complaining like a little baby.

You know what? We have actual babies with us. Yeah, think about that. We'd be

the road right now if it wasn't for you and your little car sickness. Jimmy, I

am not car sick because I'm not in a car. I'm in a 1970s living room that you

keep swerving all over the house.

You think you can do this better than me? You go ahead. You drive.

Great. Great.

Nice. Oh, yeah. Nice. My fault, right? Yeah. Why didn't you catch the keys? Why

didn't you throw the keys?

All right. Relax.

We'll probably just fish him out with something. I mean, how deep can this

be, right?

That's deeper than you think.

Hey.

Did you talk to the RV place?

Uh, yeah. They said this kind of thing happens all the time.

Well, if it happens all the time, why didn't they give you a spare key?

They did.

It was on the key ring, wasn't it?

Look. You guys, look, this won't be so bad.

We're only five hours from L .A.

Once they bring the key, we can get to the Grand Canyon by tonight, and we'll

still have all day tomorrow.

Well, I guess one day's better than nothing.

Actually, the key isn't going to get here until tomorrow morning. They're

sending it FedEx.

What? Well, when I called, they were just about to close, and they're not

on Sunday. I mean, we're lucky I even got through to someone.

Yeah, we're lucky, aren't we, Jimmy? We're all lucky.

We should go buy lottery tickets, because we don't know when this lucky

of ours is going to end. In fact, Kim, could you help me out here? This

horseshoe up my ass is starting to pinch.

Look, you guys, this can still work, okay? I mean, we can leave in the

We could still spend half a day at the Grand Canyon. Yeah, I mean, at least we

got a place to sleep, and there's a store right here.

And if you close your eyes, the noise from the freeway kind of sounds like the

ocean. Yeah, and the giant sign looks... It looks like a moon.

And this whole thing smells like a load of crap.

Look, we're not staying here. We're not spending our vacation in a parking lot.

I'm sorry.

I'm putting my foot down.

Christine, give me my wallet. I'm taking us all to a nice hotel, and I'm buying

us all rooms.

It's awfully nice of you, Greg, but I accidentally left your wallet back at

house.

Well, isn't that lucky?

Jim, how do you like your eggs? Oh, very easy.

The pool was a great idea, Jimmy.

I didn't know what we were going to do to keep the kids busy now that we're

banned from the store.

They had leopard skin panties with a 42 -inch waist. I thought it would make the

kids laugh.

I've never seen an assistant manager so angry.

She yelled at us like we're some kind of low -class white trash.

Sir, do you have to put your cart so close to our pool? We're trying to have

vacation.

No, but there's a high school baseball team working out on that field over

there.

Shirtless.

Oh, yeah.

You're getting sweaty, aren't you, Blondie?

Cart!

I just hope the key gets here soon. I want to get Greg to the Grand Canyon.

will be fine.

What time is it? Almost ten.

Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Hey, Greg, how do you like your eggs? In my house.

There it is. There's a FedEx truck.

Here we are. Here we are. Oh, hot, hot, hot.

Here we are. Please stop.

Here we are.

Good job, Danny.

All right, let's get moving.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm driving. What are you doing?

I'm driving. In fact, I'm taking over.

You are no longer on vacation with Jimmy Hughes.

You are now on vacation with Greg Warner, and we are going to the Grand

You can't just take over.

Vote.

Hey!

Really, Jimmy? Are you really surprised?

Two days in a parking lot, I had to wash my hair with wet naps. You didn't see

any of this coming?

Kim! Sorry.

He's driving. He's not back here bitching.

I had fun.

I go back and relax.

Let someone else be in charge for a while.

Hey,

look at that. We're actually moving towards the Grand Canyon.

I don't know what it is. I look up there and I see Greg behind the wheel. I just

feel like I'm in good hands.

Oops, I thought it was a squirrel, but it's just a paper bag. We're good.

Well, that was a nice medical clinic, huh? Everybody get their suckers?

Yeah, I had mine while we waited for the results of Christine's test.

Too bad on the CAT scan it didn't show the reason why you voted for Greg to

drive.

Hey, Greg, wait a second.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was a squirrel.

Well, that was petty.

Well, here we go.

It goes a lot faster when you've already filled out all the forms.

Well, if everyone's strapped in this time, we're off to the Grand Canyon.

Greg, it's getting late. Maybe we should just turn around and go home.

Yeah, you know what? By the time we get there, we're just going to have to turn

around and go back.

Does anyone else see a blue dot?

Seriously, we should go home. We can go to the Grand Canyon another time. We

can't go another time. Sure we can. We can go at Easter. I'm not going another

time. I'm not turning around. If I turn around right now and don't see the Grand

Canyon, everything we went through this weekend will be for nothing, and I'm not

going to let that happen.

Seriously, does anyone else see a blue dot?

Perfect. It's just perfect.

Well, there she is, folks, the Grand Canyon. Isn't it beautiful?

Go ahead.

Come on up to the rail and enjoy.

What is so funny?

What's so funny?

We just spent two horrible days at a smelly camper to see the Grand Canyon,

there it is.

I think I might have something that might help.

Huh? Oh, yeah. Hey, look at that. That's better, huh?

Hey,

should we wake up the kids so they can not see it?

You know, everyone tells you how breathtaking it is, but you never

until you see it for yourself.

Yeah, you know, when I used to close my eyes and picture what the Grand Canyon

would look like, this is exactly what I'd see.

What am I laughing at? This has been the worst vacation of my life.

Oh, that's because you've never been on a real family vacation before. Something

always goes wrong. Everybody fights. That's what you remember them by.

Yeah, I mean, you don't say remember when we went to Disney World. You say,

remember when that giant wasp flew in the window and Dad drove into that fruit

stand?

I guess you're right. We barely ever look at those pictures from Hawaii or

Bahamas, but...

I'm sure that CAT scan of Christine's going to be hanging on our fridge for a

long time.

Yeah, I mean, I almost died. How cool is that?

Well, Jimmy, you set out to give us a real family vacation, and you did it. It

was horrible.

Thank you. Hey, anytime, buddy.

We should get going.

You guys have to be at work in ten hours.

Hey, Greg, you want to drive on the way home?

No, Jimmy, you're in charge of this vacation.

You take us home.

That's all right. We'll take turns.

You want to hear something funny, kids?

This vacation isn't over yet.

I'm so glad to be out of that RV.

This is how we should have spent the whole weekend.

Oh, that feels good.

I feel so good.

You know, all my spots.

What's with the new moves? Did you read a book or something?

Oh, my God. This is fantastic.

That'll be one coupon, please.