Original subtitles

How's the studying going?

College chemistry, it's really hard.

It sure is. I remember my first college class. It's tough. I bet you wish you'd

have studied a little more in high school instead of picking on those of us

did, huh? Not so funny now, is it?

No, no, that's still fun.

Man, I've got such a big test tomorrow, I have no idea how I'm going to remember

all this stuff.

Well, you know what I used to do in college? I would take large pieces of

information like this and turn them into little songs and then sing them as I'd

go down the hallway. For instance, like, one hydrogen, two helium, three

lithium, four beryllium.

I'm guessing in college you weren't having a lot of sex.

Hey, I did all right for myself.

Yeah, I'm guessing you did all right by yourself.

What's all that? I thought we'd clean out the closets today and get rid of

of the clothes we never wear.

Hey, you're throwing out all my vests.

Yeah.

Well, I figure you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them up

and burn them.

Look, Frank, if you want to keep any of this stuff, you're going to have to

narrow it down or I'm throwing it all away.

Okay, but you don't have to talk to me like I'm some teenager. Oh, you are so

not throwing away my members only jacket.

Oh, my God.

What? The wedding invitation Kim gave me to send to her friend Julie Grimes.

Guess I must have forgot to mail it.

Maybe you should have written a song about it.

One, buy a stamp. Two, lick the stamp. Three, stick it on.

Kim is going to kill me.

Well, what's the big deal? It was five years ago.

Yeah, but the fact that Julie never responded broke up their friendship.

she's going to think I did this on purpose.

Why? Well, I guess...

I guess I kind of hated Julie. She always thought she was so funny, and she

wasn't. Really? Kim always says you're hilarious.

I know. That's what drove me crazy. Kim thought she was so funny. She wasn't. I

wish I'd have never tried on this jacket.

But damn, it still looks good on me, huh?

Hey, hey, Christine.

I bought a whole case of beef jerky at Price Club, and guess what they gave me

for free?

Uh, heart disease?

No. Two tickets to the stock car races. It's this afternoon. What do you say?

Oh, honey, I'd love to, but I got to study.

That's not what you would have said in high school.

Yeah, which is why I'm a 31 -year -old college student.

Look, Jimmy, if I keep screwing up by the time I graduate, I'm going to be so

old, I'll be more interested in having a BM than a BA.

I can't believe this. I'm totally going to suck.

All right, Greg, let's go.

The roar of the engines, the smell of the fuel, the excitement of the crowd.

Yeah, all sounds bad. Sorry.

Wait a minute. So I have to go by myself?

Well, why don't you take Dominic?

Dominic? Really? You think he's old enough?

Old enough for what? To do this?

You know what? Maybe I will ask him. I wasn't much older than Dominic when my

dad took me to my first car race.

Dominic!

Yeah, you know what? This will be great. It'll be a little father -son day out.

Hey, you want to go to a car race with Daddy?

Cool. All right, great. Now, listen.

Before we go, I want you to know that during the race, there could be a big

wreck. It could be very loud, and there could be lots of fire.

But it doesn't happen every time, so I don't want you to get your hopes up.

Hey, we're back!

Place was packed, but we lucked out. We got seats right down front.

Yeah, it...

take out your earplugs what take out your

dominic where are the earplugs i gave you

You're still studying, huh?

Yeah, I really want to do well on the test.

Well, maybe we should go in the bedroom. You know, I'll play college professor

and you can play student who needs an A on her test.

Well, the only problem with that is you're a security guard and I actually

need an A on the test.

Well, Christine, you've been studying all day. You already missed the car

You know, I heard somewhere that the human brain can only absorb so much.

Anything more than like four hours a day is a total waste.

crazy, Jimmy. You must have heard that wrong.

I didn't hear it wrong. I made it up.

I just want to have sex.

It's been a whole week, Christine.

A week.

Jimmy, you're not the only one who likes sex, okay? But I have to study. I

really do want to get an A.

All right.

But if you decide you'd rather have an F, you know where to find me.

I was

going

to tell her. It's just she's been in a really bad mood today.

Okay, so I'm scared of a 90 -pound woman. You happy?

Honey, you remember Julie Grimes?

Who? No one.

He said Julie Grimes.

Oh, yeah.

Julie Grimes. What about her?

Well, I was just remembering how you guys used to be friends, and now you're

not, and I'm sure none of us can even remember why.

Well, she was supposed to be my friend, and she blew off our wedding.

Well, I almost blew off our wedding. You're still friends with me?

Greg, why are we even talking about Julie Grimes?

Well, I was just, I don't know, I was just cleaning out under the sink and

was a lot of gunk under there, so I got to thinking how some people, you know,

say instead of gunk, they say grime, which, you know, naturally reminded me

Julie Grimes.

You cleaned under the sink?

It was filthy under there. Thank you so much.

You know you gotta clean it up. I know what I gotta do.

You think you know all the words? Yeah. All right, cool. Now let's see if you

can do them by yourself.

I've got to go to class.

There's a frozen lasagna for dinner, and I need to pick up a prescription for

Logan.

And while you're out, do you mind getting Dominic's haircut? He really

one. Yeah, yeah, I've got it covered. Now listen, you've got to listen to what

taught Dominic. Go ahead, buddy.

There's Peter on my Peter flick. Ta -da!

Great, honey.

Why don't you go get ready for school?

Nice work, buddy. Hey, this afternoon I'll teach you a little ditty called

Milk, Lemonade.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

I'm just teaching them some songs to sing on the school bus. I don't want you

teaching them that kind of stuff.

Christine, lighten up. They're just songs. They're funny. They are funny,

they're also inappropriate.

I mean, Jimmy, I think we've finally reached an age where doing what's

appropriate is...

A little more important than being funny. Wait a minute, I don't see what

big deal is. I used to sing songs like that when I was his age. I'm sure you

used to sing songs like that when you were his age, too. Yeah, yeah, I did. I

also chewed up food and spit it out through my nose. You want me to teach

that?

No, I want you to teach me that. Oh.

Look, Mom, I don't care where she lives. I'm not going to call her.

All right.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

What was that all about?

Julie Grimes.

I mentioned her name to my mother. Why? Why?

I thought we were over there. Let's move on.

I am over it, trust me.

But the weird thing is, my mom said that she moved out here like a year ago to

try to be a comedian.

Bet she does it, too. She was so funny. No, she wasn't funny.

Sure she was.

Remember that really funny thing she used to do whenever you'd walk into a

Remember that? She'd go, here's Greg.

Okay, honey, see, that's not funny.

Now, that's just repeating a catchphrase. It's not an actual joke. I

if my name was Johnny... Not even then. It's still not funny. She's not funny.

You know what the sad thing is?

If she'd just come to our wedding, Julie and I could have been really good

friends.

It's too bad, because I could use a friend from back home out here.

You got Christine.

Yeah, I know.

Christine's so busy with school these days.

I guess I'm friends with some of the women at Mommy and Me, but it's just not

the same.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault. No, I know. I'm just saying.

I feel bad for you.

Oh, you're so sweet.

See, I do have a friend out here. I've got you.

Oh, love is blind, and now I wish I was.

Hey. Hey, did you get Dominic's haircut?

Yep.

It's great.

Yeah, look at him. Looks like the world's smallest lesbian.

I cannot believe you did that.

Kind of a nice haircut.

Yeah, he looks like royalty.

Like... Like a duke.

Of hazard.

Hey, he's not your kid, okay? So stay out of it.

Besides, it's the haircut Dominic wanted, isn't it, Dominic? Yeah, it's

Honey, how do you know it's cool?

Because Daddy told me.

Hey, Dominic, you want to go toss the ball around with me in the backyard?

Okay.

I just didn't think you guys could talk like that in front of him.

You could break his heart.

His achy, breaky heart.

Jimmy, you're taking him back, and you're getting him a new haircut.

Why? He likes it. The only reason he likes it is because you like it. Yeah,

well, Kim said she liked it, didn't you, Kim?

What was I going to say? The poor kid was standing right there.

Jimmy, I know what this is about, okay? You're just upset that I haven't been

able to spend as much time with you, and now you're using Dominic to get back at

me. Oh, please. I got him a mullet, okay? I had a mullet growing up, and you

fell in love with me, didn't you?

Jimmy, think about the town we came from.

People gave their dogs mullets.

Okay, so if we were back home, His haircut would be fine.

Maybe, but we're not back home. We're in L .A., and people here don't have

mullet. Yeah, well, too bad, Christine, because I like it. No, it's not too bad.

I have a say in how our child looks, okay?

Take him back and get him a new haircut.

No. Look, this is who we are, Christine, and I'm not ashamed of it.

Okay, this is America.

We should all be able to wear our hair as we please.

It's a right we should hold near and dear, because once we lose that, we lose

everything.

That's a good speech.

Too bad you already used it when you wanted to get the Playboy channel.

Hi, Julie.

What are you doing here?

I know it's been a long time.

You think I could come in a minute?

So, you see, the whole thing with the wedding invitation was my fault. And I

completely understand if you get angry and never want to talk to me again, but

don't blame Kim. And please don't tell her what I did. I feel really bad.

Look, I understand.

I feel kind of silly.

Here I was angry at Kim all these years because she didn't invite me and it

turns out she did.

Well, I'm glad this is all behind us because Kim really needs a friend from

home. Me too.

We can all be friends again.

So... What's up?

Get it? Get it like the commercial. Yeah, yeah, I got a TV.

I just wanted to come by and make sure you understood what happened.

Greg, I understand completely.

Kim shouldn't have given you the invitation because...

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

That's funny, Julie. That one was funny.

Really?

Because you're not laughing, Greg.

I see dead people.

I'm sorry. I can't turn it off. You know, I moved out here to become a

performer. Oh, yeah.

Everybody at the bank just kept telling me how funny I am.

Really? They liked you so much, they talked you into moving 3 ,000 miles

huh?

Probably need to get going. I don't want to take up too much of your time. Oh,

wait. I'm getting married in a couple of weeks, and I have to give you an

invitation.

Well, I don't know. I mean, we've been out of touch so long. You sure you want

us there?

Greg, this is it.

It's the chance to start our friendship over again.

Well, if you really feel like that, we'll be there.

You really mean it?

Yes. Is that your final answer?

Yes, yes.

It is my final answer.

The tribe has spoken.

Okay, goodbye.

I'll see you at the wedding. Okay.

Uh -oh!

Let the dog down!

What's going on? I don't know. Dom X Principal said he needed to see us.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hughes.

into a fight.

Honey, what was the fight about?

Jim can't make fun of my hair.

Well, um, honey, no matter what people say about your hair, it's still a reason

to hit someone.

Yeah, Dominic, don't let him get to you, okay? Kids can be thoughtless, even

cruel. They'll pick on anything that's a little different.

So who was it, that buck -toothed fat kid? Jimmy!

I called you in because I was concerned about Dominic. I mean, he's always

gotten along so well with the other kids.

I'm very embarrassed about this, but, you know, it's not all Dominic's fault.

I mean, none of this would have happened if his father hadn't taken him to get

that stupid haircut.

It is a perfectly acceptable haircut.

Business in the front, party in the back.

Look, Christine, at least I took him to get a haircut. It's not like there was

time in your busy schedule.

Oh, that is a load of crap, and you know it.

Oops.

You see, we have a little rule here about swearing.

Whenever you swear, you have to put a quarter in the bowl.

Look, face it, Christine, you haven't had time for anything lately, especially

anything fun.

What are you, hung up that I didn't go to the races with you? No, it's not just

the races. There's other things you haven't been doing with me, too.

Why don't you just say it, Jimmy? We haven't had time for sex lately.

Is that it? Would you be happy if we had sex? Oh, how about this? We could have

sex right now, right here.

That's going to cost you more than a quarter.

You think that's going to make things better, just having sex on this man's

right here?

Well, those kickballs aren't going to inflate themselves.

Jimmy, I don't know what you want from me, okay? I mean, do you want me to drop

out of college? Because it's not worth all this aggravation.

I mean, I'm just trying to make our lives better.

Ours or yours?

What is that supposed to mean?

I just like everything the way it was.

Now everything's changing, you're changing, and where does that leave me?

What do you mean I'm changing? Christine, for as long as I had known

drop anything to go to the car races with me.

And Dominic's haircut?

You never used to care about fitting in or what other people thought about us.

How long until we go to some event at college and you make me change the way I

look?

Or even make me stay home?

Jimmy, I would never do that.

I just feel like you're moving forward and I'm being left behind.

Jimmy.

I'm not going anywhere without you.

I love you.

Yeah, but you fell in love with me 15 years ago.

It's like, well, you're turning yourself into somebody better. I'm still that

guy.

Hey, don't kid yourself.

I mean, you've changed, too.

You have. You got a good job, which you've actually held on to.

You'd rather hang out with your kids than go out with your buddies.

And I would have been like...

What, three years since you decorated the Christmas tree with those empty

Budweiser and Heineken cans?

No, no, I know, I know. Red and green is very festive.

Face it, Jimmy.

You're growing up.

We both are.

You really think so?

I know so.

Just need to get this one file.

Oh, we'll be out of here in a minute.

Take your time.

You know what I'm thinking about right now?

What?

makes us happier here at the Late Late Show than discovering new talent.

Next up is a very funny lady making her network television debut. She'll be

appearing next weekend at the Giggle Wigwam outside Barstow.

Please welcome Julie Grimes.

But please, you had me at hello.

She's not funny.

She's not funny.

You've been on the road a lot lately, I understand, huh? Yes, I just got back

from Texas, and let me tell you.