Original subtitles

Oh, man, I told you we shouldn't watch the whole game. Look how late we are.

What are we going to tell our wives? What do you mean?

Well, you said you had it covered. What are we going to do?

Hey, I'm watching my kids when Christine goes to her SAT class tonight.

She can't get mad at me.

I told you I had it covered.

You sure need a lie.

Well, this is just great. You talked me into watching a football game and I

missed the whole picnic.

I mean, look, they're packing up already.

What, they haven't packed everything up yet?

You think they spotted us?

Guess who's carrying the big cooler to the car?

Big deal. None of the other fathers showed up either.

Except for Todd, of course.

Who? Todd, who in the barn is the husband. He comes to everything.

He grilled, played hopscotch, taught us how to make homemade Play -Doh.

He even learned how to turn on the sprinkler so the kids could run through

water. Which means we don't have to give them a bath tonight.

If their clothes are dry, we don't have to do laundry either.

You can get them to eat grass. You never have to leave the park.

Christine, be sure to grab your leftovers from the potluck before you

thanks. I almost forgot.

Sure.

Where are you going? You didn't bring anything.

Doesn't mean I'm not taking anything home.

Hey, I'm Todd. Jimmy and Greg. Yeah, sure. I hear all about you every week in

playgroup. You get a playgroup?

Sure. What else am I going to do on Saturday mornings?

Oh, we usually try to play golf.

Yeah.

I used to play golf, you know, before the kid. Now it's not worth it.

Didn't want to hear the wife complain anymore, huh?

Oh, no, she's fine with it. You know, I work all week, so when else am I going

to spend time with the kids?

Well, the weekend's two days. We like to play with our kids on Sunday.

After the afternoon football game? Yeah, before the evening game.

It's a good solid hour if there's no overtime.

Yeah, we try not to sit around the house on Sunday. That's our out and about

day. I plan something at work, and then I surprise them.

Tomorrow's snorkeling.

Hear that? Tomorrow's snorkeling.

Hey, buddy. Want to play catch?

I think he wants to play soccer. I was teaching him earlier.

Thanks. Come on, buddy. Let's go.

Did you see that? That guy just ran off to play with my kid.

Yeah, I know.

What a nice guy.

Let's see if I can trick him into loading up my car.

Seriously.

You're taking this class?

Huh?

You're kidding.

What are you, like, 25 or something?

Yeah. Yes, I am. I'm 25.

Hey, what are you doing?

I got the beer in the car.

I gotta wait until they put it dependent.

That way my parents think I was here.

And I'll tell them I gotta go to the bathroom.

Sneak out the back.

You are so smart.

You gonna turn me in or something?

No, I'm just thinking how much you remind me of my husband when he was in

school.

What, are you hitting on me now?

No, actually, I was wondering what exactly I found so appealing back then.

Hey, Kim. Hey.

The kids are in the guest house on the bed watching a video. I'll take over for

a while. Cool.

It's pretty good. What is it?

Play -Doh.

There's nothing in here that can make him sick, is there?

No, you'll be fine.

Wet Willie.

What are you, five?

I'm thinking here.

God.

I'm a little bored. What are you thinking about?

Todd, that guy from the picnic.

I mean, he didn't even try to get out of going. He actually looked like he was

having fun.

Yeah, I know. I was thinking about him, too. What is wrong with that guy?

There's nothing wrong with him. He's a good father, Jimmy. He's the kind of

father I would be if it wasn't for you.

What? You're the reason I'm a bad father. Oh, you are crazy.

Oh, am I? Yeah. Am I, Jimmy? I walk around here all the time.

feeling like I'm the good father simply because I'm comparing myself to you.

You've set the bar so low I can do the bare minimum and feel like the world's

greatest dad.

And you're welcome.

Well, I don't want to be a bad father. I'm sick of you talking me out of doing

things that I should be doing with my family.

I want to be more like Todd.

Okay, I want you to just take a deep breath and relax. I think I might have

stuck my finger too far into your ear.

serious about this, Jimmy. I'm acting exactly the way I promised myself that I

never would. I'm turning into my father.

Greg, we are already better fathers than our fathers were. We don't smoke. We

don't spank. We use car seats.

You got to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I mean, you're not a bad

father just because you miss out on a few events. What, 20 years from now, you

think Sammy's going to remember that you missed a few family activities?

Huh? You think he's going to remember spending the day at some picnic with

No. He's just going to remember his dad and how much you love him.

Look at our son.

No, no. Can you believe Sammy's actually getting married?

And now, a toast from the man who made me who I am today.

What are you doing here? It's my toast. I'm the father.

Well, biologically, yes, but let's face it.

You didn't spend a lot of time with the kid. Huh?

I mean, you weren't a very good father.

I was an all right father. I was a better father than my father. I didn't

I didn't spank. I used a car seat.

Did you hear that, everybody?

He didn't hit him. What a prince.

I live with that.

I lived with that boy for 18 years. You're not even family, Todd.

Look, you're making a scene here.

Just let Todd make the toast, Craig.

It's Greg, not Craig. My name is Greg.

I'm your dad.

I'm your dad.

I'm trying to be nice here, but if you keep this up, I'm going to have to ask

you to leave.

Hey, Craig, what do you say we blow this off and sneak in nine holes before they

cut the cake, huh? Come on.

Hey, I just got off the phone with Linda's husband, Todd.

I thought we'd hang out with them tomorrow.

Really? Yeah, I was talking to him at the picnic, and he told me about their

-and -about days, and I thought maybe we could go out -and -about. How about it?

I thought you were playing golf with Jimmy tomorrow.

Yeah, I am, but he'll understand.

Well, that's great.

Do you mean you don't understand what? That I'm canceling golf tomorrow.

Why? Because I want to spend the day with Kim and Sam. I've decided I want to

start being a better father.

Okay, Greg, trust me, you are playing a very dangerous game.

Whatever. No, no, I'm serious, okay?

Dude, right now, Kim is very happy with the amount of effort you put in.

And yes, maybe the bar is low, but once you rake it up, you can never get it

back down.

Well, this isn't about what Kim expects from me. It's about what I expect from

me.

I'm going to be more like Todd.

But you can't be more like Todd.

You are not like him.

You are like me.

I am not like him. Yes, yes, yes. You know, you think I'm dragging you down,

that's just an excuse. I mean, if I wasn't here, you'd be exactly the same

of father as you are now.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess we'll just have to see about that, because from

on out. Greg, come up here. Sammy wants to show you something. Just a second.

I'm going to be the best, most attendant father.

Greg, hurry up.

I am in the middle of something.

In fact, I'm going to be such a good father, I'm going to make Todd look like

you. I'm going to be the ultimate father.

Never mind, you missed it. Starting now.

Dude, cops are doing a locker search.

What's your problem?

Nothing. Here, she handed out a practice test for next week.

Thanks.

You know, you're sitting through these classes anyway. Would it kill you to pay

attention? I don't know.

But I'd hate to risk it.

Look, I don't think you understand.

I'm not just another adult telling you what to do, okay?

I'm one of you.

Yeah.

Right. Hey, I'm serious.

What do I need college for?

I'm going to get a job.

Make some money.

My girlfriend's mom says we can live in her basement.

I got it covered.

Look, I know that sounds great now, but that's only because you're stupid.

That's funny coming from a woman your age taking the SATs.

When did you learn how to walk when you were 12?

All right, that's it. Come on, you little... What are you doing? Showing

future.

Hi. Oh, good, you're home.

Who's this?

Just a friend from class.

Whatever. Look, Logan spilled the canned SpaghettiOs on the bed, and I was going

to throw the sheets in the laundry, but Kim's already doing all those, so

they're soaking in the tub.

Dominic, stop jumping on the bed!

What you doing?

I picked up an extra shift. We only got $23 on our checking account, and somehow

I don't think that's going to get us through the end of the month.

Jimmy, would you say that today's been a particularly bad day for you?

Actually, today's all right.

I should go study.

What was that all about?

Well, you just saved a kid's life.

Cool.

I'll go grab the sunscreen.

You get Sammy in the car, and I want to keep Todd and his family waiting.

Greg, there's a playoff game today. What are you doing? Making memories, my

friend.

Making memories.

Well, that was a lot of fun. Thanks for showing us how to fly a kite. Sammy

loved it. We'll have to hang out again sometime.

Actually, we're going down to the Santa Monica Pier. If you guys want to come,

you're more than welcome.

Oh, okay. Well, sounds great.

Hey, thanks for helping us bring all this stuff in. We really should do this

again soon.

Well, we could meet at the farmer's market tomorrow morning.

That's as soon as they get.

What do you say?

A little brunch?

A little petting zoo for the kids?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Wow, farmer's market, huh?

Well, we should do this.

See ya.

Hey, wait a second.

Kids don't eat much breakfast, huh?

Anybody up for Chuck E. Cheese?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Okay, that was great. Chuck E. Cheese was a great idea, Todd. See ya.

What's up, buddy?

We just had a great idea.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Listen, why don't you take the kids over to our place and I'll break out the

train.

The what?

I'm going to put Tammy right to bed. He looks exhausted.

Yeah.

And he had a stroller.

Hey.

Hey.

You seen the sports section?

Uh, no, I threw it out. I thought you had already read it.

When? When would I have read it? Over the past weekend, I haven't had five

minutes to myself. I finally get time to sit down and enjoy my paper, and it's

gone. It's gone, so what am I supposed to read?

The real estate section already have a house.

The employment section already have a job. Oh, look, here's the Circuit City

Widescreen TVs are on sale. I'd get one. Until when I watch it.

Not so easy, is it?

What? Being super dead.

I think it's getting to you.

It's not getting to me. I love it.

You're trapped in there, aren't you, buddy?

And you have no idea how to get out.

Greg, don't forget you were going to clean out the backyard for the barbecue

with Todd and Linda tomorrow.

I love it.

Um, they're having a barbecue?

Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

Well, maybe you should go out there and help Greg so we can barbecue, too.

Uh, I don't know.

There's a lot of stuff on TV tomorrow night. I figure we just order a pizza.

stay in the house and eat pizza while everyone else is in the yard barbecuing

fine eat the pizza wherever you want doesn't matter to me no

jimmy look look i know that you've been watching the kids every night while i'm

at school and i appreciate it i do but i just think we should start doing more

stuff as a family you know like the kinds of things greg's been doing lately

Here we go.

Everyone say hello to Squeaker.

Hi.

Hey, Jimmy.

Yeah, back here.

Who's that?

It's a friend of mine. You and Todd are going to make me look bad. I need

someone to make me look good.

Earl, what's up, man? Good to see you. Hey, Greg, this is Earl.

That's AJ and Doreen.

You might have seen Earl on the lot. He fills all the vending machines.

Yeah. Puts food on the table.

Mostly cheese crackers and whatnot.

But it fills the boy up.

And hey, they got that chive flavor, so there's your greens right there.

Hey, Dad, do you want to play catch?

You betcha, son. Let's go grab a couple of beers. You can throw them to me and

I'll catch a little buzz.

Hey, Doreen, the ladies are in the kitchen.

You know, why don't you tell Christine that funny story about the time Earl

forgot Christmas?

Look at you, king of the grill.

You're going to have us eating in no time.

Yeah, it's too bad we won't have time to do anything else today. I mean, after

you're finished cooking, eating, and cleaning up, the day's pretty shot.

Yep, no way we'll have time to do anything else today.

Yeah, well, not today, but we still got tonight.

There's a big meteor shower. We found this great viewing spot. You want to

with us? It's only 90 minutes north of here.

Correct?

Yeah, it sounds great.

Sounds great.

And after eight years of marriage, he finally takes me on a vacation.

And you know where we end up? His brother's house in Minnesota during

season. Well, I hear Minnesota's lovely during hunting season.

Well, not so much for the animals, right?

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

My vacation consisted of cleaning up after five kids and gutting a deer.

No, no, no. You got to put a little more juice on your palm.

Then you start honking it.

I got to help that last one out a little bit.

You ladies having fun?

What was that for? Just for being you.

So, what do you guys do for fun during the week? I know a place that has a

story time on Wednesday nights.

Everyone wears their pajamas.

Okay, listen, how do you do it? What do you mean? How do you do it? All this

stuff, spending every moment with your family. I mean, when do you take time

just for you?

Oh, well, it's all for me. You know, spending time with my family, that's

enjoy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But after that.

After that. I mean, how do you blow off steam?

I don't follow.

I mean, do you go to work early so you can read the paper in your office?

No. Do you take the freeway home because you know there's going to be traffic

and you can hear music that doesn't have kazoos in it?

No. No, I get home as soon as I can. If I'm late getting home, I miss out on

giving the kids dinner.

Okay, that's it. We're done. Get out.

What? Get out. You're a freak. Get out. Grab your crazy -ass father -knows -best

family and get the hell out of here.

Greg? Kim, I can't do it. I can't keep up with Todd.

What are you talking about?

I've been trying to keep up with Todd. I wanted to be like him for you and for

Sam. I wanted to be... I wanted to be super dad, but I just can't do it.

Greg, no one expects you to be like Todd.

And you are a great dad, exactly the way you were.

Really? Yeah.

And believe me, I don't want you around all the time.

You don't? No.

Frankly, I don't know how Linda does it.

If you were around as often as Todd is, I'd blow your brains out.

Aw, thanks, honey.

You can't compare yourself to other people. I used to do that with the other

mothers, and it drove me crazy.

Oh, come on. You're a great mother. I can't imagine anyone being better than

you. Oh, I don't know.

Diane cooks gourmet meals for her family every night.

Now, wouldn't you rather be married to a woman like that?

Diane, no.

Does Marsha cook?

And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce my best friend, the man I

consider my role model, my father, Greg Warner.

There is no more wonderful day in a father's life than seeing his son on his

wedding day.

You've made me incredibly proud on so many days in the last 20 years, but

more than today.

On behalf of your mother and myself, we want to wish you all the happiness and

love life has to... Stop it!