Original subtitles

You are such a cute little kitty cat.

Trick or treat!

Hi, everybody.

Look at how cute you all look.

You're a witch, and you're a big, scary skeleton, and you're a bit of a pig.

Hey,

hey, take it easy.

Good God.

Next year, I'm just going to put out a big bowl of Ritalin.

You guys cute in your costumes your mother ran out to the drugstore and

this morning.

Hey, at least they have real costumes this year. Last year, Christine made

go as ghosts and didn't even take the time to cut out eye holes in the sheets.

They weren't goat. They were furniture in a room that was being painted.

You certainly got in the spirit. What are you, a stripper?

I'm Jeannie.

Ginny, yeah, that's a good stripper name.

It's not bad, but you're going to have to move your hips a little.

But you look great. You do.

Jimmy and I were going to dress up, but we were worried we'd look stupid.

Oh, you're just giving me something scary.

How's a hot dog scary?

Be around Jimmy after he's had four of them. That'll send you screaming from

room.

Look, we were in the costume shop. I asked Sammy what he wanted, and he

at the hot dog.

Oh, please. If we brought home everything Sammy pointed to, we'd have a

full of Tonka trucks and fat people.

Stop complaining and put on your relish.

I hope you guys are going to leave a bowl of candy outside while we're gone.

don't want to be trashing your house.

Do people even do that anymore?

Hey, I hope they do.

It's part of Halloween. Kids need to respect tradition.

Well, it's not so funny when it's your house getting trashed every year.

I knew what was in that burning bag they left on the porch, but my mom demanded

I go out there and stomp it out anyway.

Son, I'm out there stomping and crying. I hear them laughing from the bushes. My

feet slip out from under me, and oh, we got a show now.

Yeah, you know where I grew up, all the cool kids trashed the nerdy kids'

houses.

Then I must not have been nerdy because my house never got trashed.

Well, I wasn't going to trash my own house.

There you go, Sammy. There's your little pumpkin to put your treats in. Come on,

let's go get them.

I dream of Jeannie, a little kitty cat, and a giant hot dog.

What are three things I hallucinated at a Grateful Dead show?

Okay, boys, here are your bags. Now, listen, I want a lot of candy this year,

okay? Get your cute little butts out there and work it. Daddy needs his

Oh, my God, you're like a candy pimp.

Christine, it is one night a year, okay? We got to make the most of it.

All right, now, boys, don't forget, you got a sick brother at home, ask for

extras.

Wow, the costumes the kids have this year are amazing, huh?

Hey, look at that little kid over there, dressed up like a businessman with a

briefcase and everything.

Happy Halloween!

Jimmy, that's not a kid. It's a midget coming home from work.

Sorry, sir.

Greg, what are you doing? I got an itch. I can't get through the foam. Kim, I

think there's a hole back there. Reach in and scratch my shoulder.

It's wet in there. Yeah, you'd think a big rubber suit with an air hole the

of a nickel would breathe well.

Well, it's gross, and I can't reach your shoulder anyway.

Jimmy?

Yeah, right. You know, I'll cut my arm off before I stick it in that hot dog.

All right, well, I guess I'm on my own.

Hey, you guys want to head down to that old folks' home in Westwood? I hear

they're giving out pudding cups.

Yeah, and they can never remember how many they've given you.

Actually, we should start heading home.

I need to air out the itchy hot dog.

We don't have to go home because of me.

Okay, we'll see you guys back at the house.

Greg.

Come on.

Come on, get up.

Come on, Greg.

Get up.

Finish the rest of the houses on this block and then we'll head home.

Oh my God, I think I got some ants in my bun hole.

Trick or treat.

What a cute kitty cat.

Now you wait right there, because I've got something special for you.

scared my son to death he's crying you think that's funny what the hell is

with you

Put it on the kitchen table and start dividing it up. Make two equal piles.

Then divide one of them in half for you and Logan.

Hey, where's Kim and Sam?

Upstairs. We had a bit of an incident.

What happened? This idiot jumps out from behind the bushes and scares the hell

out of Sammy.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

Yeah, he's upstairs with Kim. He finally stopped crying, but he really was

scared. I mean, he didn't even want to go to any more houses.

So what did you do to the guy? Well, I'll tell you what I wanted to do. I

to show him what it was like to be scared. I wanted to punch him. I wanted

grab him by his neck and knock his teeth down his throat.

That's quite a wish list, but again, what did you do?

I didn't know what to do. Sammy was screaming. Kim was yelling at me. Plus,

got no reach in that hot dog suit.

So you did nothing.

Yeah, well, this isn't over yet.

I'm going to make that guy rue the day he messed with me. See, there you go.

That's a spunk I like to see.

Sammy was so exhausted, he just fell right to sleep.

Poor little guy. I just hope he doesn't have nightmares.

Did Greg tell you what just happened? Yeah.

So, what are you guys going to do? I'll tell you what we're going to do. Oh, I

will tell you what we're going to do.

Kim, what do you think we should do?

I was thinking about this upstairs, and first I thought it was too much, but I'm

going to do it.

I'm writing a letter.

To who? The mayor of Halloween?

No, to that jerk who scared Sam. I want him to know exactly how we feel. Good.

Good. Good for you. And don't be afraid to use some strong language.

But don't sign it. We don't want to get in any trouble.

What are you guys, Quakers?

A letter's not going to do anything.

Oh, angry letters can be quite effective.

We got a bad can of tuna once and Greg wrote a letter.

They sent us 12 free cans. Well, it wasn't bad, Toon. It was just

mean, come on. If it's chunk light, don't try to pass it off as solid white.

You guys, it's Halloween.

This is the perfect opportunity to do something big.

You should trash the guy's house. That's what we'd do.

That's because you're hooligans.

Oh, gee willikers, Jimmy. Did you hear that? She called us hooligans.

that we deal with things in a more civilized manner. Yeah, that's right.

Look, I just wrote that we might report him to the Neighborhood Association.

They might ban him from the potluck dinner.

Okay.

That's great, honey.

Now, when you say trash someone's house, what exactly are you talking about?

Throw eggs at it. Put shaving cream on the windows. Toilet paper in the trees.

Some people like to jazz it up with a stink bomb, but I like to stick with the

classics.

Oh, man, I would love to see that jerk out in his front yard cleaning up that

mess. Greg, we're not trashing anyone's house. It's juvenile.

Yeah, guys, she's right. I mean, we're adults here.

We're adults, and we're not going to stoop to his level. Why don't you guys

put on an angry puppet show?

Kim, she's right. We need to do something big. A letter just isn't

reads this letter and never does anything like this again, isn't that

Yeah, guys, we're not looking to, you know, hurt anybody here. We just want

to stop scaring little kids. That's it. Greg, think about little Sammy crying in

his kitty cat costume. That jerk ruined your son's Halloween.

That son of a bitch. Kimmy's right.

No, he's not.

And besides, that little old lady lives there. I'm not going to... punish her

just because the guy was a jerk. But how is writing the letter going to be

satisfying at all? I mean, you're not even going to be there to see how bad it

makes him feel. Look, if you really want to see his reaction, we can hand him

the letter and stand right there while he reads it.

Or we can ring the bell and watch from the bushes.

Thank God. I was hoping you were going to say that.

You know, I'm glad you didn't let Jimmy and Christine talk me into doing

anything drastic. I feel much better that we're handling it like this. Of

you do, because not only are we adults, we're parents.

Even though we're mad, we still have to set a good example for our son and act

mature.

What is it?

A letter from somebody I scared.

You're kidding.

What does he say?

Your actions this evening were reprehensible.

This is a holiday for children, and by scaring our poor little son, you ruined

it for him.

I'm seriously considering reporting you to the Neighborhood Association.

They're going to report me to the neighborhood association.

You'll be banished from the potluck dinner.

All right, hooligans. We're ready to play dirty.

Let's get it on.

Greg,

let's go.

I am coming.

Now, Jimmy.

You make sure you guys get that house good.

Don't let Greg wuss out. He's the type that can throw one egg and then run like

a little bitch.

Oh, chill out. Just because you're little and you're Kim doesn't make you

Kim.

Sorry. You didn't see these people laughing at my letter.

They can think it's real funny now, but they're going to find out they messed

with the wrong people.

What you got there, a purse?

No, it's my tote bag.

I got it when I made a donation to PBS. I was going to go for the Les Mis

tickets, but I'll tell you right now, this has come in quite handy.

See what I'm saying?

It's going to run like a bitch.

Okay, you got everything in there? Yeah, toilet paper, shaving cream.

I'll get the eggs.

All right, we are off to defend our families. We will be back in 15 minutes.

would be nice if our women folk received us in an appropriate manner.

I'll be waiting naked with a grilled cheese sandwich. Thank you.

Here you go.

You ready for this? Yeah, yeah, I can't wait.

Good. You go out there and you get vengeance for our son.

Let him know that you don't mess with this family.

You are a warrior.

Do you have your inhaler in case you have to run?

It's in my tote.

Everything looks quiet? Yep.

You ready? Yep.

All right, give me the shaving cream.

What the hell is this?

What do you mean?

This is shaving gel.

Yeah, it's better for you. It's got aloe.

It doesn't lather.

Sure it does. You just have to work it.

You're kidding, right?

Let's start with that. I'll lather up some more. Greg, we don't have that kind

of time, okay? The sun's coming up in six hours. Look, just give me some

paper.

Okay, they don't have any trees. Just give it to me. I'll do it.

What are you doing? I am rolling it across the lawn. Craig, you're not

vandalizing. You're decorating.

Just give me the eggs.

All right, now listen. You've got to be careful, okay? You've got to put the egg

in the palm of your hand.

Don't squeeze too tight with the fingers. Okay.

And?

I don't believe this.

Those cheap old windows.

I don't believe in an egg.

These are hard -boiled.

Oh, my God, I don't believe she gave us these.

These are for my lunch.

We're going to get caught. I know we're going to get caught.

Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Pull yourself together. I've been

this a thousand times. They're going to come out, they're going to look around

for a few minutes, then they're going to go back inside, and we'll get the hell

out of here.

These are pretty good.

I usually eat them with a little salt and some A1 sauce. Just put a little dab

each bite.

My father eats them with mustard.

And again, that guy puts mustard on anything. Like pretzels, crackers,

Sometimes he'd take the mustard, pour it straight out of the bottle into his

mouth.

Some of his army buddies used to call him Colonel Mustard.

Can you shut up?

What's going on? The cops are driving away.

Just be a few minutes more.

Mom, on the other hand, loved mayonnaise.

Hey, hey, he's driving away.

All right, just sit tight and be a few more seconds.

Okay, Lionel, you know you aren't allowed to ride in the front seat.

So you be a good boy and sit in the back.

Behave yourself back there, Lionel. Here we go.

of minutes lino you want a treat

where's my kid

oh good boy i

think we're stopping lino i'm going to stop now and fill up

the gas tank so you stay right here and be a good boy i'll be right back

Okay, come on. What are you doing? She's standing right there pumping gas. Get

out of my sight.

What happened? We're up against a post or something. You've got to be kidding.

I wish. Damn it. Nobody's getting out of this car.

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, Lionel.

Lionel. You get back in here right now.

No, why don't you have Kim write her a letter?

Here we go.

Thank you for being a good boy, Lionel.

Oh, you know what I have?

Such a good boy.

Another treat.

my kids.

I just filled the tanker.

So no more stops.

Lionel and I will see you in Vegas in five hours.

Hello? Kim, it's me.

Greg? Yeah, look.

I need you to go to the mobile station on the corner of La Brea and Sunset and

look for a chihuahua.

His name is Lionel.

What? Where are you guys?

you please let us know if a room opens up with two beds. This is very awkward.

Thank you.