Original subtitles

What are you doing?

I'm just looking. Well, if you spot some pants in there, put them on.

What? It's 2 .30 in the morning. Who's going to see me? Me.

Seriously, we eat in here, okay?

I'd like there to be a little more fabric between you and the food.

I can't believe this makes you so uncomfortable. It's just underwear.

Yeah, you know why they call it underwear? Because it goes under the

that you're supposed to what? Wear.

What are you telling me? You never walk around your house in your underwear? No,

I used to, but...

Not anymore since you guys live here.

Oh, see, now I'm insulted.

What? You sleep in those sweatpants?

No, I put them on to come downstairs in case I run into you or Christine.

See, this is what I'm talking about. It's like I think of you as family.

Or you think of me as somebody you've got to put on pants for.

Or maybe I should just take the hint, you know? I know we married sisters, but

guess you don't really want to be my brother.

Oh, Jimmy, I think you're pulling this out of proportion. Oh, yeah, here we go

again. Jimmy opens up his true feelings. Greg just sweeps him right onto the

rug.

Jimmy, I think of you as a brother.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Then take your pants off.

Jimmy, I'm... Take them off. No, I'm not taking my pants off.

You just got to keep those walls up, don't you, Greg?

Jimmy, it's just I don't feel comfortable. No, Greg, and I guess you

Fine.

Are you happy?

So you don't wear underwear, do you?

The two boys playing together. It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, Jimmy, you're a lucky man.

Tell me about it. Before Logan came along, I would have been stuck down

all day doing Legos.

Hey, Daddy, look at this.

Yeah, it's nice. Why don't you show your brother?

Hi, everyone.

Hey, you guys are home early.

We had to leave the park again early because of Sammy's behavior.

He pushed the kid and took his toy.

I know. Ever since his soft spot spilled in, he's been a little cocky.

Where is he getting this aggressive behavior?

I mean, I'm as nice as they come, and you couldn't hurt a fly.

I think you mean I wouldn't hurt a fly, because I could definitely hurt a fly.

I could squash it.

Like when you called the exterminator at two in the morning? That was a

dragonfly, Kim.

Dragon.

Whatever helps you sleep, Hercules.

Look, it's not that big a deal.

No, kids are like little animals. It's like how every group of gorillas has an

alpha male, a dominant one who takes charge.

I think we've got ourselves an alpha male.

At least you have one alpha male in the family.

Greg, this isn't funny. You're not at the park. You don't know how

it is with the other parents. Kim, you can't take responsibility for everything

your kid does. Who knows where they pick up some of their bad habits.

Dominic, get your finger out of your nose.

Hey, what's going on? Sammy's beating up kids at the park again, and Kim's

embarrassed. You know what? Dominic used to do that, and I would get so

embarrassed until I figured out the perfect solution.

Really? What'd you do?

I'd look the other way.

I felt like it wasn't my kid.

Thanks. Kim, look, it's just a phase, okay?

Dominic will be out in a few months, and so will Sammy.

Yeah, Kim, I think she's right. And besides, if it's just a phase, I'd

him be the bully than the puny little kid who gets chased around the

till they finally tackle you and shove your face in dog dew.

Okay, Greg? Yeah, I mean, that was 25 years ago. Now I got a big house, a nice

job, a hot wife, and a reunion in five short years.

Hi. Hi.

Um, so do you come to this park a lot?

No, actually, we just moved to California.

Oh, how nice.

So, um, how do you like our weather? I love it. I can't get over all the lemon

trees. Yeah, lemons.

You know, you should have a little more control over your son.

Well, he's not my son. He's my nephew.

On my wife's side.

Oh. Sammy, stop biting.

There you go, buddy.

Off into the living room and daddy will be right there to play with you.

That baby's freaking crazy.

He did it again?

Yes, he attacked an innocent girl at the park. I mean, this behavior has to come

from your side of the family, Kim.

I mean, if he was washing his hands 30 times a day, I'd say, yeah, the crazy

gene comes from my side of the family, but this has to be you.

Me? I'm not the one with the cousin who kills innocent animals.

He works at the pound.

Well, who picked that job?

It doesn't matter why he's doing this. We just have to get him to stop.

Well, you're right, you're right.

Do what you have to do.

What do you mean, do what I have to do?

I don't know. Talk to your friends. Read your parenting books. Watch your

videos. Do what you do.

Greg, I think this is a problem we should solve together.

Oh, come on, Kim.

You don't need me for this stuff. You're good at it. You're a problem solver.

You're my sexy little problem solver.

You're just being lazy. You want me to do everything.

No.

I don't want you to do everything. I trust you to do everything.

Greg, I'm tired of trying to solve all these problems by myself.

If what I come up with doesn't work, I don't want to feel like I'm the one who

screwed things up.

I want us both to come up with a plan and fail or succeed together.

You're right, you're right. Well, let's do this.

Let's do it together.

I'll get on the Internet tomorrow and do a little research.

No, because you say that, but tomorrow will turn into the next day or the day

after that.

We're doing this tonight.

Now get in the car. We're going to go to the library and pick up some books.

Are you sure you need me to drive? You could just saddle me up and ride me

there.

What? Coming!

So what did you think of that one? Well, I don't know what to think.

This book says that we should keep him away from other children. The last book

says that he should spend more time with other children.

They all seem reasonable.

How do you know which one to pick?

You decide which ones you don't want to use, and then one by one, you try the

ones you do.

Well, what if you try all the ones you want to try, and then find out that one

of the ones you didn't try might have been the one that might have worked? I

mean, that's insane.

Welcome to parenting.

My name is Kim. I'll be your wife.

I'm going to go check on Sammy.

All right.

Hey, Greg, you want to watch a game?

Yes, I do, but I can't. I'm reading.

Oh, hey, we have that book.

Yeah, somebody gave it to us. We used it when Dominic kept climbing out of his

crib. What did it say to do?

Oh, I don't know. We put an old screen door on top of the crib and used the

to hold it down.

Refresh my memory. Is Dominic your child or a hamster?

Go ahead and make fun of the way I do things, but you don't see me reading a

bunch of books on how to raise my kids. Well, we can't just wait for Sammy to

stop attacking other children like Dominic did.

We're at a different stage of our life than you were. We can't just hop in our

house and drive to another town.

Dominic didn't really grow out of it. But Christine said... Christine doesn't

know.

What do you mean?

Every kid that Dominic beat on was either smaller than him or too much of a

to fight back.

Then one day when I'm at the park, I saw this kid grab a truck out of a girl's

hand, start beating her over the head with it.

I thought to myself, hey, if there's a kid who could use a good smack on the

head with a truck, it's my little boy.

So you just sent your kid over there to get hit in the head with a truck?

No, I gave him a wiffle ball bat.

Figured the other kid could learn something too.

Like what? You have to stay still during a CAT scan?

Look, all I'm saying is it worked like a charm.

Dominic got hit like two or three times, realized what it was like to be on the

other side, and we never had the problem again. And I didn't have to read any

stupid book.

Well, thank you, but I'd rather take advice from an actual doctor rather than

man who refers to his nipples as funny buttons.

Damn Christine's big mouth.

Look. All I'm saying is, dude, I can fix this for you. Let me find the right kid

for Sam.

This is crazy.

Okay, fine. You know what? Do it your way. Enjoy your books.

Where would you find a kid like that anyway?

Just go to the park. There's tons of kids with this problem.

You know, Kim's never going to go for this.

Well, so don't tell her.

I never told Christine.

I can't do that.

Okay.

Keep reading. Maybe you'll find something in there that works.

Well, something's got to work eventually.

I mean, it's not like Sammy's going to be this way for the rest of his life.

Steve Thompson, Elizabeth Waters, Sam Warner.

Okay, everyone should have their SAT test in front of them.

Please make sure you're using a number two pencil.

You may start now.

Excuse me, that's my pencil.

Mine. No, I believe it's mine.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine.

Mine. Mine.

Jimmy? Yeah?

Set it up.

Oh, yeah. It's go time.

Sammy, now why don't you see if your share bear wants to share your goldfish?

Thank you, Sammy.

See, sharing is fun.

Hey, I got it. Hey, I think it's working.

No, Sammy, don't do that. That's Logan. She can't just take it away from him.

Well, at least you didn't hit him over the head with it like you did yesterday.

He hit him in the head?

Sammy, we do not hit.

Christine, I'm sorry. Was Logan hurt? Oh, no, he was fine. He gets his head

Jimmy's side of the family.

I mean, look at the size of it. You want to feel bad for someone, that came out

of me.

Hey, Greg.

Yeah? Phone's for you. I didn't hear it ring.

Well, it did.

Greg, it's for you.

You don't want to take it in the kitchen?

No, I'll just take it here.

What are you, an idiot?

What's that?

Get in here.

All right, goodbye.

Who was it?

Sears. You know, the dishwasher we bought, they need a serial number.

Why?

Records. They had a fire.

Way to take a hint, 007.

Look, I think I found the perfect kid to take on Sammy.

Already? Yeah, I got lucky. I took Dominic to the petting zoo at the

market. There was this cute little two -year -old strangling a goat.

You want to put my kid up against a kid who fights livestock?

Don't worry, it'll be a fair fight. Jimmy, it's not a fight, it's a lesson.

Okay, well look, the other kid's father said he's having a lot of trouble with

his kid too, so the lesson can happen whenever you want.

Well, Kim and Christine are supposed to go to that baby shower later.

Perfect, I'll set it up.

I don't know about this.

I mean, did you see the kid? How much does he weigh?

Yeah, about 45 pounds. I put him on one of the fruit scales at the farmer's

market.

45 pounds?

Don't worry, he had a full diaper.

How you feeling, champ? You feeling good? You feeling loose? Cut it out.

Just making sure he's sweating. You want the punches to slide off.

Hello? Oh, yeah, back here.

Oh, my God. The kid is huge.

You want Sammy to lose. But I want him to live.

Hey, Marvin, this is my brother -in -law, Greg. Hey. Can you believe we're

this? Eh, it's a little crazy, but I gotta do something. I mean, Todd's

been kicked out of three playgroups. Oh, tell me about it. My kid's out of

control. I've seen children learn to walk just to get away from him.

Okay, you guys ready?

I don't know. I mean, are we doing the right thing? I wish there was another

of going about this, but I swear I don't think I can read any more of those

books. Forget about the books.

Wait until your wife finds the videos and makes you watch those for hours.

There's videos?

With quizzes at the end. All right, grab your kid. Let's get this thing going.

Hey, Jimmy, we're not too late, are we?

Nah, Billy, Steve, that's Marvin.

You invited people to watch?

Jimmy, this is a learning experience, not baby fight club.

Look how big that one kid is. This is going to be over quick.

I don't know.

The skinny one looks like a biter.

Excuse me, can I see the skinny one's teeth?

Shut up.

Jimmy, look, they heard me talking about it at work and they wanted to come by.

It's a slow sports day. We were all set to watch women's volleyball and then a

gym teacher caught us and threw us out.

Well, just stay out of the way, okay?

Hey, no problem. We'll just sit back and watch these cute little kids.

Look at you getting all big.

Yeah, he's got teeth all the way to the molars.

Is there any rules to this thing? No, we just let them play. We see what

happens. All right.

One, two, three.

Well, this sucks.

Maybe if you throw the skinny one on the big one. I'm not going to throw the

kids on top of each other.

Hey, maybe we should give them sticks.

not giving them sticks.

Okay, all right, guys, guys, take it easy.

I've done this before. All they need is a little incentive.

Two boys, one Oreo.

You got any more of those?

Well, this isn't going to be fair. I mean, the big kid's going to destroy

anything to get to that cookie. I've spent a lot of time around Sam. He's

and he fights dirty.

You're 10 bucks on the skinny crazy one.

Nobody's betting on this.

I'll take that action. What, you're going to bet on this? This is not a

It's a lesson.

Look, they're going to hit each other anyway. It's just easy money that my

going to get the Oreo.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe your kid's had enough Oreos. Hey, watch it. Hey, well,

let's get it on. Let's get it on. All right, all right, all right.

Hey,

see him?

See this delicious cookie?

This is your cookie.

Hey.

You see this delicious cookie?

This is your cookie. Yeah.

Okay?

Here's a cookie, boys.

Go get it!

All right. Get it, Sam. Take it from him. All yours, Todd. Don't let him take

away from you. Watch his feet. Don't let him kick you. Work the body, Sammy.

Work the body. Protect your eyes. Protect your eyes.

Hey,

shake it off, Todd. Come on. Good boy, Sammy.

Come on, Sammy. Kick his ass.

Don't everyone say something stupid at once.

I thought you guys were at a baby shower.

We're back. Can I see you inside?

How was the baby shower?

Would you mind telling me what was going on out there?

Because to me it looked like our son was having a fight with another kid and all

the men were standing around cheering them on.

Well, you're taking this out of context.

Well, put it into context.

We were teaching them to be less aggressive.

Oh, good.

Maybe one day you'll teach them not to play with matches by setting them on

fire.

Kim, maybe we got a little out of hand, but there's a solid theory behind this.

I mean, if Sammy gets hit by another kid, he's going to understand what it's

like, and he's going to stop hitting.

Why didn't you tell me about this? Which book did you get this out of? Well, I

didn't exactly get it out of a book.

Well, then where did you get it?

Oh, God.

Well, Kim, it's not just a theory.

Jimmy set up a baby fight with Dominic when he was being aggressive, and it

worked.

You did that with Dominic?

Yes.

Okay, yes, I did.

I'm sick of feeling guilty about this.

We had a problem. I came up with a somewhat unorthodox solution, and it

I'm a father, okay, and I'm not going to stand here and apologize for it.

Where does he think he's going to go if the whole yard is fenced in?

If you thought this was such a great idea, why didn't you say anything to me

about it? Well, when nothing else worked, I wanted to try it. Besides, I

you wouldn't be involved with anything that dealt with physical violence.

Don't be so sure.

Okay, Kim, don't just walk away mad. We're all adults here.

Sammy seems to be playing nice.

Did you notice how Sammy... Shut up.

I just think my method might have worked. Shut up.

I'm just saying, the kid took Sammy's toy. Shut up.

Look. What?

Look at the way he's looking at us.

Yeah, he's watching us.

That's right, Sammy. Daddy loves your mommy.

what he's thinking right now.

Is he looking at me funny?

I think he's looking at me funny