Original subtitles

It's so great of you guys to have us over.

Yeah, well, we figured you've got kids, we've got kids, and misery loves

company.

Hey, did I tell you guys about the new program I'm doing?

Oh, you're going on a diet? Good for you.

No?

Good, because I was going to say, you're practically skin and bones.

What's the program?

Oh, it's something I'm doing with Marsha and Jessica. You know them.

A couple days a week, one of us takes the kids so the rest of us can have a

mornings to ourselves.

Would you guys be interested?

Are you kidding?

I haven't had a morning away from the kids since... Well, since that morning

Jimmy and I made the kids.

It sounds great. I'll just need to talk to the other mothers first, make sure

everyone knows Sammy's allergic to peanuts. Of course.

Oh, yeah, and you have to keep my kid away from dogs.

Oh, he has allergies, too? Oh, he's just a curious kid. He tends to yank on

things that should be yanked on.

Except, of course, by another consenting dog.

So you live right there in the guest house, huh? Yeah, it's just that we get

our feet. Yeah, right. Fish will get on their feet before you.

Dad, Dad, can you do the rocket zip with me again?

Sure thing, buddy.

Three, two, one, to the moon!

Daddy, can we play rocket ship?

Uh, gee, I don't know if Rob can lift both of us.

All right, buddy, let's give it a shot. Ready?

Three, two, one, to the... Ah!

Ride's over.

Ride's over.

I think the rocket ship just ruptured its payload.

Can you give me a ride?

It's your thing, buddy.

My turn.

Did you see that? Sam went straight to him. He doesn't even think his own

can throw him up in the air. Well, so go over there and throw him in the air.

What, are you kidding me? I'm exhausted.

Almost blacked out during the tickle fight.

Logan, if you want to play, get in line behind Sammy.

Don't you find it sad that another man has to play with our children?

What's really sad is if I don't get some feeling back soon, another man's going

to have to play with my wife.

No, I'm serious. I should be in better shape.

I think I might start lifting some weights.

What's so funny? Well, nothing. I just got this image of the skinny guy in the

circus when he tries to act like the strong man.

But that's got nothing to do with you.

What's going on? Oh, Greg is going to start lifting weights, and there's

funny about that.

Well, I'm sure there isn't. I mean, Greg's a regular guy. I'm sure he could

lift.

I'm sorry, Greg. I tried.

You're picturing the skinny guy in the circus? Yeah.

Oh, you dropped the kids off at Marsha's?

Yeah, it was a whole thing. It was tears.

Please don't go. When are you going to be back?

You'd think Marsha could suck it up a little.

So what do you guys have planned for your kid -free day?

Absolutely nothing.

Actually, I called my old graphic design firm and offered to do some freelance

work. Why?

I thought it would be fun to have a project.

Makes me feel good to use my brain and accomplish something.

Gives me a sense of self -satisfaction.

You're a needy little thing, aren't you?

All right, I'll make sure somebody wakes me up for dinner.

Wow.

One day at the gym, you're already looking buff, huh? Yeah. Wow.

What is this, like the world's thickest sweatshirt?

They keep the gym a little chilly.

How was your first workout?

Great. Geez, Greg, looks like you hardly broke a sweat. How long were you gone?

About a half hour?

Well, it was my first time out, so I was just getting the lay of the land, you

know, trial run, baby steps.

Did you use free weights or machines?

Oh, I did a couple of machines.

I tried this machine for a while, and I did a little bit on this machine, and I

was going to try this machine, but my smoothie was ready.

You ever had papaya and mango? Oh, very refreshing.

So counting the membership fee, you basically bought a $300 milkshake. Kim,

a smoothie. It doesn't have ice cream.

It has sherbet.

I think a little bit of kiwi.

And you say getting my legs waxed is a waste of money.

It just grows back thicker. That's all I'm saying.

What?

No, they say the first time you go back to the gym, you're not supposed to

overdo it. Yeah, but you are supposed to do it.

Look, I'm just getting used to it, okay? There's a lot of new machines and

contraptions since the last time I've been to the gym.

Who knows? I might get a personal trainer.

What are you crazy? Don't go wasting money on a personal trainer.

All they do is charge you 50 bucks an hour and stand next to you and count.

If all you need is some motivation, I can do that for free.

Well, I'm sure you can motivate me. It's the counting I'm worried about.

Come on, man. Give me a shot, okay? You'll let me live in your house for

Let me help you out, save you some money here. Well, why not? I mean, what do I

have to lose?

You do know something about weights, right? Are you kidding me?

That's all I did in high school. You think I got these guns from reading

I don't think you got anything from reading books.

So what are you up to?

Just finishing my assignment.

You want to do something?

Yeah. I want to finish my assignment.

Oh.

Isn't your Jerry Springer show on? I'm sure there's some odd freakish people on

there that'll make you feel good about yourself.

Hey, I don't need to watch a bunch of idiots throwing chairs at each other to

feel good about myself.

Plus, you know, the show sucks since they bolted the chairs down.

Well, maybe you should take up a hobby or something.

Last time someone suggested I do that, I ended up with two kids.

Look, I really have to finish this project.

Why don't you leave me alone for half an hour, then I promise I'll do something

with you.

Hey, you don't have to talk to me like that, okay? I'm not a child.

You know what?

I'll find something to do on my own.

I'm ready for you to take a step back. Can we put at least a foot between my

head and your crotch?

I have to spot you. Well, unfortunately, I can spot you.

All right, buddy, let's go. Okay, just a few sets of ten. Here we go.

Ten.

Nine. Nice.

Eight.

Oh, what's the matter? Too heavy for you, Greggy? Come on, push it up. Jimmy,

get this off my chest.

Come on, be a man. Don't be a wuss.

Shh, keep your voice down. There's girls around.

I'm looking at one right now. Come on, push it up.

Come on, come on, come on. All right, buddy.

Way to go, man.

Just a couple more steps, then we'll move on the shoulders.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm trying to make you big and strong.

Well, let me know when I'm strong enough to kill you with my bare hands.

All right, all right. Maybe I was overdoing it. We'll go a little slower

now. All right, what do you say? Give me one more try?

All right.

Chill out.

Sure thing.

This time, give me a little hand with the weights. Oh, you got it, pal.

I'll give you a little help because God knows...

Excuse me.

Ladies.

I'm kidding.

That last piece of broccoli, you're not getting any dessert.

What's for dessert?

Your Aunt Kim made a sugar -free peach cobbler.

I'll pass.

So, I'm thinking about taking Logan out of this whole daycare thing.

Why? I don't know. I think he misses me.

I'm bored.

Hey, if you're bored, I could always take an early lunch and come home for a

little, you know, biggity -bangity -bum.

You had me at biggity.

Christine, you can put this off now, but eventually both your kids are going to

be in school and you're going to have even more free time.

And do you have any idea what you're going to do then?

I don't know.

Well, there isn't a crazy cat lady in the neighborhood yet.

Maybe you could go to work.

Maybe you could go to hell.

Jimmy, do you care if your wife goes to work?

That depends.

Do I still have to?

Yes.

Whatever.

I don't know. I guess getting a part -time job isn't a bad idea.

Hey, I could go to one of those temp agencies, right?

That'd be kind of fun.

Plus, with the extra money, we could restart Dominic's college fund.

When are you going to let that go, okay? The jackpot was $80 million.

Gotta spend money to make money, baby.

Okay, now we just need to see how fast you can type.

Great. Ready?

Begin.

You were just typing gibberish.

Yeah, I should have told you.

I can't type.

That's okay.

I'm sure once I evaluate your written exam, I'll be able to find the right job

for you.

Oh, great.

I think I did pretty well.

Actually, I've never really been good at the math, but most of your good offices

have calculators nowadays, right?

Then hopefully I'll wind up in a good office.

Actually, you know what? Any office is fine, just as long as I don't end up in

one of those really small cubicles.

Turkey teeny weeny.

I took a teeny weenie today.

Like a teeny weenie?

Half the size, half the fat.

Enjoy it, ma 'am. They cook up in minutes and they're sizzle -rific.

Hey, teeny weenie lady, how's business?

Jimmy, those are for the customers, not for your lunch. Hey, don't rain on my

parade. This is the best job you've ever had as far as I'm concerned.

I get to come here for a free lunch every day and see you?

And every night, you come home smelling like sausages.

Honey, don't you think it's a little sad that I can be replaced by a sign that

says, please take one?

The sign is not as pretty and as charming as you are. Look at you. You're

glowing. That's sausage grease. It splatters up from the pan.

Listen, don't be so down on yourself. This is an important job.

Seriously, the company counts on you to spread the word about their product.

Without workers like you spreading the word about their sausages, then there'd

be thousands of people at the factory out of a job. So don't act like what you

do doesn't matter.

Thanks, Jimmy.

All right, I gotta get out of here. I'll see you tonight.

And remember, don't take a shower.

How was your workout this morning with Greg?

Oh, great. We did legs and glutes.

Glute? His butt. I'm giving him a rounder, firmer butt.

Hey, buddy, you sore?

A little bit. Couldn't use the pedals on my car.

Had to use cruise control in the emergency brake all the way home.

How are the glutes?

Like two little coconuts.

Hey, guys. Hey, this is my hard -working wife.

Chicken sausages with sun -dried tomato?

Man knows his meat.

What's all this?

I made dinner.

I thought we'd celebrate your new job with my famous meatloaf.

Are those crushed up Pringles?

Eh, two cans. My lady's got a job.

Christine, how is the new job?

Great. Now that I quit.

Quit? Already?

What about the free meat?

Look, it was a crappy job.

I'll just go back to the tipping. You'll get a better one.

I mean, that's why I did this whole thing in the first place, right? To find

what it is I want to do.

Being a meat hostess, isn't it?

Well, honey, you know what? You'll always be my meat hostess.

And you'll always be my teeny weeny.

God, please give my legs the strength to walk out of here.

Rise and shine.

Rise and shine. Time to go work out.

Jimmy, what?

Time to go work out. I thought we'd get an earlier start today.

No. Come on. Get up, Lacey. No.

I'm not getting up. In fact, I quit. You're fired. Good night.

Fired? You can't do that. Sure I can. Watch, I'll do it again. You're fired.

Night -night.

Well, you can't fire me. You're not even paying me. I will give you a thousand

dollars to shut up.

I'll give you both a thousand dollars to shut up.

All right, that's it. What? Let's go. What are you doing? My job.

Oh, put me down.

Nope. Jimmy, put me down. You will thank me later.

did. You made me bite someone. Are you happy?

I think you broke the skin.

And on this body, that's not easy to do.

Jimmy, listen, I'm glad your heart's in the right place, but I can't take it

anymore. I get up every morning. I'm exhausted. My bones ache. I really have

stop. No, you can't stop. Look, I appreciate you wanting me to be

I don't care about you.

What?

I don't care about you. I just need to get out of the house in the morning.

Why?

Because stupid me told Christine for her birthday present she could sleep in

late for a year while I made the kids breakfast.

And I can't do it anymore.

I just can't. Jimmy, Christine's birthday was ten days ago.

Have you seen my kids eat?

It's crazy.

Okay, one of them's got to have scrambled eggs, the other one pancakes.

But the pancakes can't be too cooked or you've got to start all over again. By

the time you get the pancakes just right, the other ones have knocked the

to the floor and now you've got no eggs.

God, why couldn't I just remember to buy her a gift?

I cannot believe you have been torturing me so you can get out of helping with

your own kids.

You're a nutbag. I'm going back to bed.

What's happening?

Sammy's diaper leak. The meth up there.

Plus, now he's awake, so I guess our day begins at 5 a .m.

I could use your help, Greg.

Yeah, well... We'll try to get back from the gym as soon as possible. Come on,

let's go.

You're in your box. I look like my shorts. Go, go, go.

I'm not some 18 -year -old kid who'll just be happy with anything.

I'm serious about this. I want a job in an office where I can use my brain,

where I have a future.

How about something in market research?

See, now that sounds perfect.

Would you say that you are very satisfied, mostly satisfied?

Satisfied, not so satisfied, or dissatisfied?

Yes, I'd love to repeat the question.

When it comes to the cheese that you currently eat, would you say that you

very satisfied?

So this time you figured out you didn't like the job in how long was it?

Three hours.

Geez, you didn't even make it to lunch.

Oh, then two hours.

I'm not giving the jobs enough time.

You guys just don't understand.

You don't have to go to a crappy job every day.

Christine, what did you expect? I mean, he didn't go to college.

Hey, some of us did not have the same opportunities that other people had.

What are you talking about?

She's my sister. She had the same opportunities that I did.

She just decided to spend her college money on a two -week vacation in Mexico.

How in the world do you spend all your college money on a vacation in Mexico?

I had to buy my way out, okay?

You guys, just forget it, all right?

I've made my choices, and maybe they weren't the best, but this is my life

You know, you could go to college.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, don't laugh. She's right.

There's a lot of good jobs in colleges.

You could work in a library, or you could sell hot dogs at the football

Oh, my God, you could smell like hot dogs.

I meant go to college as a student. No, Kim's right.

Rather than sit around and complain, you should do something about it. I don't

know. I never really did that well in school.

Christine, you were hardly ever in school.

You were usually behind school.

She was really more of a teacher than a student.

Yeah, and look where it got me, Jimmy. I mean, I wouldn't have any of these

problems if I just worked a little harder.

So work hard now.

You know what? You're right. I should go to college, but I should have gone back

then. I can't go now.

I mean, it takes years, and it costs a lot of money.

Christine, if this is going to make you happy, then this is what you should do.

I mean, I can watch the kids if you need me to. So can I. And with a degree, you

can get a great job, and you can do anything you want. And as far as money

you know, we'll just stay with Kim and Greg a little longer than we thought.

Then again, Bill Gates never got a college degree. Greg!

No, Greg is right.

I mean, we've imposed it on you guys enough already. Hey, come on. I'm only

joking. If you really want to go back to school, it's all right by me.

Well, you guys haven't left me with any more excuses, have you?

You know what?

I'm going to do it.

Scared the crap out of me, but I'm going to go to college.

You're going to do great. Oh, of course you are. And I'm going to be with you

every step of the way. I'm going to help you study with the test. I will get

rides to work so you can take the car to school. And I'll help whatever I can

with the kids whenever you need me to.

Just not in the mornings because, you know, that's when Greg and I get that

thing.

Well,

we're here.

You ready?

Yep.

Don't forget to set the alarm.

Yeah, got it. How long do you want to work out for?

I don't know, about an hour?

Let's make it an hour fifteen.

You're the trainer. Good night.