Original subtitles

Where's Jimmy?

I think he's in the back. Why?

Remember those fake lottery tickets I told you about?

You got them? Yeah, he's going to scratch it off and think he's won $5

It's a bad time you got even with him. Remember when he wrote, this is a stick

-up on the back of your withdrawal slips?

Yeah.

My shoulder still hurts from when that cop tackled me.

Here they come. Here they come. Hey, do you remember to get my scratchers? Yeah,

I got your stupid scratchers. I don't know why you do those stupid things.

They're such a waste of money.

I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God. I just won $5 ,000.

Get out of here. No.

You're kidding. Oh, waste of money, huh? Yeah, yeah. Big dumb Jimmy. Always

buying the lottery tickets.

$5 ,000.

Who's laughing now?

Actually, Jimmy. Oh, man, I just can't believe it. It could not have come at a

better time. I wasn't going to tell you guys this because I didn't want to bum

you out, but my uncle just lost his insurance. He's kind of thick.

I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him I'm going to buy him

that wheelchair.

Thank you.

You, God.

I'm going to go to the store and cash this in. Oh, you know what? I better do

since I bought them. So I had to go to the bank anyway.

Thanks,

buddy.

Thank you so much, Kim, for tipping us off.

No problem.

Oh, man, I could hardly keep his straight face.

You guys are going to tell him when he gets back from the bank, right?

Yeah, but it might be a while.

We wrote on the back of his withdrawal slips again.

You know your kids running around naked out there?

Yeah, we know.

So I guess you've just given up on raising them all together?

No, we're potty training them.

Really? Because here in the city, we do that indoors.

We even have a special room for it. Unless y 'all is afraid of that big old

blush and noise.

This is the way we did it with Dominic. We put him out there with a potty. We

show him how it works.

Eventually, he gets the hang of it.

Meantime, if it makes him fake, it's no big deal.

It just made a no big deal on my lawnmower.

No, don't worry. I'll hose it off.

Well, be careful, because now it's going on the hose.

It's time for your bath.

I never would have thought of such a natural method of toilet training.

Well, it sure worked with Dominic. He picked it up in no time.

I had to learn in the snow.

It's like gorillas in the mist out there.

Funny, a year ago they didn't have a pot to piss in. Now they have my whole

yard.

Kim, do you think it's time that we started potty training Sammy?

Well, he and Logan are the same age. We could give it a try.

Let's do it. Let's start potty training him. I don't want him to get a late

start. Besides, I hate changing those diapers anyway.

Please. When was the last time you changed a diaper?

I do more than my fair share around here.

You do the bare minimum to keep from getting yelled at.

I think we're saying the same thing.

Okay, we got the musical party, the videos, the blues clues, toilet paper.

else does the book say we need?

Well, they say it's a good idea to let him pick out his first pair of big boy

underpants. If they're special to him, he'll try harder not to have an

Really? Maybe we should have let him pick out our couch.

Go pick out some underpants?

All right, Sam. You can pick out any pair you want.

We got Superman, Batman.

See, this is how you raise kids. You read the books. You listen to the

Go ahead. Pick one.

What do you got there, buddy?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's the wrong one. Try again.

What did he pick?

What? Nothing.

Greg? Snow White.

No, no, no, no. You just made a mistake.

Okay, Sammy, you get to pick one more time, okay? Pick one more time. But

it. Whatever you pick is what you're going to keep, okay? So just pick one.

He likes to watch Snow White. Well, could you throw in a Batman tape every

in a while?

really try to make this stuff fun.

Flushable toilet targets.

I wish my parents would have got me these to practice with.

You and me both.

Hey, you guys want to watch a movie?

Actually, we're in the middle of something here.

Oh.

Do you need to do it here?

In our house?

Yes.

Well, since you guys are potty training Logan, we thought we'd try it with

Sammy. Here's just a few things the book suggested would make it easier.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff.

Well, yeah, I mean, you have your way, which is great for you, but we read some

books and we've decided to try it this way.

Okay, what's right for one family isn't necessarily right for another.

Yeah, well, we got musical parties, some videos.

What's this?

Oh, that's just some non -gender specific underwear.

Snow White.

There's dwarves on the back.

Yeah, it says panties. Give me that.

This is interesting.

Potty Scotty.

Squeak him and he goes.

Oh.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, come on. It's just ping pong balls. Come here. Catch one in your mouth.

Let's go get Sammy and get started.

Okay, well, good luck. I'm sure it'll go great.

God, can you believe all this stuff? It's too insane.

How about that doll?

Once Sammy sees these balls come shooting out of the things, Buddy's

scared to death to go to the bathroom.

Or play ping pong.

Tim, what do you think we should try tonight?

I mean, I don't want to use that musical potty anymore. I think the voice coming

out from underneath him freaks him out.

I don't think we should use the doll again.

Yesterday I caught him with a handful of ping pong balls trying to load himself.

Well, I don't know what's left. I mean, something's got to work.

Let's try the video.

You guys are using the TV again?

Yeah, we're going to watch a video with Sammy.

Is Logan making any progress yet?

Not really.

But you know, these things take time.

He does love running around naked in the sun, though.

Yeah, he's getting brown all over. Yeah.

So's our lawn.

Okay, starting the video.

Once upon a potty.

This is Joshua.

Joshua is a little boy.

Try to pay attention, Sammy. Just like you, Joshua has a body.

And this body has many nice and useful parts.

A head for thinking.

Eyes for seeing.

Ears for hearing.

A mouth to talk and eat with.

I can see where this is going.

A pee -pee for making weevils.

Legs for walking and running.

A bottom for sitting.

And in it, a little hole for making poop.

Wow, that is not an angle you see every day.

Come on, Sammy, pay attention, okay?

Joshua's learning to make potty just like you are.

Oh, I don't think this is gonna work.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Ta -da!

Cool, a TV!

I know, of our very own. Now we're being judged. Now we can watch all the high

-speed police chases we want.

Would you like to do the honors? Oh, this is so great!

Hey, we can finally use the bed the way God intended. Right?

Does that seem a little far away to you?

Oh, we can get closer.

Oh, okay.

There's nothing to lean on. It's like exercise.

Turn around. We'll lean against each other.

Yeah, like this won't get old. You know what?

Why don't we just take it back and get a bigger one? It's not that much more

expensive. Are you sure we can do that? Yeah, they have a 30 -day return policy.

No questions asked.

You can bring it back for any reason as long as you have the receipt and the

original packaging.

Oh, cool.

I should probably turn this off. You can't watch it like this.

What do you want to do now?

I guess we could talk.

Okay. I'll go talk to Greg.

I'll find Kim.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

Where are you going?

I thought we'd watch.

Excuse me?

It's a good idea to let Sammy watch. I read it in an article.

In what? Creepy Monthly?

Fine.

Turn around a little.

Sammy, watch Daddy.

We're waiting.

Tim, this is embarrassing. It's very difficult to go with people watching

Could you step to the side a little so we can see better?

All right, good.

Now, can you turn your head towards us and smile?

I am going to the bathroom, not taking a portrait at Sears.

I just need you to... Stop pressuring me!

Hey, Cam.

Oh, hi, Greg. What the... Look, Sammy, there he goes!

Shut the door! Shut the door!

Does the book say how long this should take? I mean, Sammy's a smart kid. Why

isn't he picking this up? It's a hard thing to learn, Greg. The book say it

could take months.

Well, maybe for the other kids, but they're not as smart as my boy, are

Sammy? Hey, you guys want these diapers?

Why? Because we don't need them anymore.

Logan did it. He's body trained.

You're kidding.

Don't stop believing.

Hold on to the feeling.

Can't believe he did it so fast.

Three days, a new huge record. It's like I always say, you run around naked long

enough, good things happen.

Are you sure he did it? I mean, did you actually see him?

With the same eyes I saw you, Greg.

That's great, you guys.

Yeah, we're really proud of them.

Isn't that great, Greg?

Kid peed in a bucket. He didn't paint the Mona Lisa.

Hey, there you are. Hi,

Mom. Hi, baby.

Hey, come on in the guest house. I want to show you something.

Oh, did you get the bigger TV?

Oh, yeah.

What do you think?

I think you just made me an accessory.

Where did you get all this?

At the store. I put all this on our credit card.

Oh.

Well, now we're both going to go to jail because I'm going to kill you.

You don't understand, okay? We don't have to pay the credit card company for

days. As long as we keep all the boxes and receipts, we can return all this

stuff in 29 days.

Huh?

I found a loophole.

Free stuff.

What if something gets broken?

We have kids. We can't have all this stuff.

Christine, don't make me choose.

Jimmy, you have to take all this stuff back. But I'm telling you... Take it

back. But I found a loophole.

Jimmy?

Fine.

What is that smell?

It's our new bread maker.

I thought it'd be nice to have fresh bread every day.

But I guess that's not going to happen now.

I guess we can forget about the gelato, too.

I can't believe Logan got trained so fast.

Yeah, they must be relieved.

Yeah, maybe we should try their method on Sammy. I mean, our lawn's already

ruined. What do we have to lose?

I don't know. Do we really want him running around outside naked?

Plus, the book... say if they don't take to it right away, we should stop for a

while. I think we should give it a break.

But we can't just give up.

I mean, he's the same age as Logan.

He should be able to do this. Greg, relax.

He's still very young.

I don't want to force him to learn something before he's ready. It'll just

to frustration and tears.

Like when I tried to teach you how to drive a stick.

That's ridiculous.

There's no reason you have to learn how to drive a stick these days.

And you no longer have to go to the bathroom manually, then maybe your

will make some sense.

Greg, come on. It's not like he's never going to get toilet trained.

He'll tell us when he's ready.

Sammy, how's the meatloaf?

It's good, Dad.

Logan, we're so proud of you.

Can you believe it? I am the father of a valedictorian.

Did you hear that, Sammy?

Your cousin Logan graduated first in his class.

Yeah, uh, can I be excused, please?

Yes, you may.

It's okay, Greg.

He'll tell us when he's ready.

Sammy's up.

You know what? I'll get him.

You can go to sleep.

I'll read him a few books. Yeah.

Thanks.

All right, Sam.

Now be quiet. Mommy doesn't need to know what we're doing.

And your cousin Logan learned to do it this way. And so can you.

Okay? Just try it.

Just try it.

Sam.

Come back.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

What the heck

are you doing? Is your whole family using my yard as a toilet?

Oh, the kids were playing with my boxes.

I'm looking for a piece of styrofoam.

What are you doing out here?

I was trying to potty train Sam.

Sammy, come back.

Ah, doing it my way.

Yes, Jimmy, yes. I'm doing it your way. I figure a million hillbillies can't be

wrong.

How come you're the one with the accent, but I'm always the hillbilly?

It's not how you talk. It's how you live.

Why are you doing this now?

Well, Kim wants to give up, so I thought I'd try it your way a couple of nights.

And if she gets mad, she'll just have to deal with it. I mean, I am Sammy's

father.

Oh, my God, it's Kim. Get down, get down.

Hey, Jimmy.

Hey.

Greg and Sammy out here?

Uh, no.

What are you doing?

Just, you know, chilling.

I thought I heard a woman scream.

Yeah, I heard that, too.

Must have been the wind.

It seems to have died down.

Tammy, what are you doing? Why is he naked?

It is a beautiful night.

Stupid spiders. Get off. Get off.

Greg, what are you doing?

Kim, I was trying to potty train Sam.

What? Well, I know I went behind your back, but I just couldn't stand the

thought of him falling behind.

I mean...

Look at Logan.

He's already doing it. Maybe Logan is just advanced.

Oh, come on, Kim. How could Logan be advanced?

Hey, what is that supposed to mean? Nothing.

Oh, no, I get it. It's because he's my kid that he can't be advanced. Jimmy, I

didn't... It would be okay if he was some genius's kid like Albert Einstein

Sting.

What is going on out here? You guys are going to wake up the kids.

My husband is freaking out over potty training.

Greg can't believe that our kid could possibly be more advanced than his kid.

Hey, I'm a little surprised myself.

What, do you believe that he would... You know what? I don't care.

The only thing that matters is that we never have to change another diaper

again.

She's right.

Next time a diaper gets changed in the Hughes family, it'll be our kids

us.

I hope they're as gentle as we were.

Good night.

Sammy's going to be around other kids his whole life.

Some of them are going to be ahead of him. Some of them are going to be behind

him. I know, I know.

If you're going to keep comparing him, it's going to make you crazy.

It's going to make me crazy.

But worst of all, it's going to make our son crazy.

I don't want to make you crazy, Sam.

I really don't. There's enough crazy people in this family.

Come on, let's go to bed.

Besides... Can you really be that surprised Jimmy's son picked this all up

quickly? Now, when it comes to the bathroom, Jimmy is Albert Einstein.

All

right,

that comes to $15 ,487.

Yeah, just credit that back to the card.

Actually, we don't do that.

Refunds for store credit only.

Store credit only.

What about the loophole?

Hey, excuse me, sir.

You going to buy that?

Yeah, on sale. 80 bucks. Yeah, listen.

I got stuck with a lot of store credit.

What do you say I bought that for you and you just give me the cash?

Why not? Sure. Okay, great. I'll meet you at the register.

All right, $15 ,400 to go.

Excuse me, ma 'am, are you buying that clock radio?