Original subtitles

Hey, look.

Jews of the future.

Give me, give me.

Madonna, 1987.

Better.

Hey, what's going on with your life partner, Whitey? He wasn't at school

today. I don't know what's going on with him. I've left him a few messages and

I'm a little worried.

Yeah. Well, you told me he's a hoarder, right? So maybe he can't find the phone.

Or the front door.

Yeah. He's probably stuck under a bunch of bird cages and umbrellas and stacks

of newspaper.

You know what?

Why don't you go check on him?

Just go by and let him know I'm thinking about him. Hey, everybody.

I think this is it.

I think I'm going into labor.

No, honey, you're perfectly fine. Don't worry about it. Okay, I'm going to go to

Whitey's. See you a little later.

Mom, I say I think I'm going into labor and Dad just leaves.

Well, babe, you've said it like 27 times.

You know? I mean, you don't think you're going into labor. If you're going into

labor, you know.

But how?

Well, are you having any contractions?

No. Did your water break?

No. Is there a foot in your underpants?

No. Okay, there's no baby yet.

Okay. Okay, I got the bag ready.

Let's get you to the hospital.

False alarm, Dad.

Sorry. Hey, just out of curiosity, what's in the bag?

Just everything we're going to need at the hospital.

Yeah? Let me take a look at that.

Let me look in here.

We got a hacky sack.

We need that. And some rolling papers.

And a comic book.

Yep. Just the essentials.

Isn't it cute?

No. You know, honey, when you do actually go into labor, you are not

find any of this amusing.

And by this, I mean this.

I'm coming.

Six, five.

Four, three, two, one, zero.

All right, company is coming, and the first thing they'll see are my nice,

balls.

Hi, Eddie.

Wow. This is worse than I thought.

Well, come on in.

Well, I don't think I can. Why? Well, you know how I am with germs and

everything. Well,

fortunately, that's one thing I don't collect.

I'm just too...

Claustrophobic. Come on in and confront your fears.

Don't let the flies out.

Yeah, home sweet home.

How do you live like this?

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's a little sparse ever since I did my spring

cleaning.

And you're okay with all this?

Oh, yeah.

In the eye of a hoarder, this is a Martha Stewart Christmas.

Did that garden gnome just blink?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Luther!

Up and out!

Okay, and this is the last time, my friend.

You know, they think they can sneak in here and hide with the gnomes, and then

when I go to bed at night, they break into the kitchen.

The trick is to put poison in the candy corn and have them take it back to the

nest.

So, can I get you anything? Look, I've got... How about nuts?

Oh, you certainly are. No, I already ate and drank and peed and pooped. I just

wanted to come by to see if you're okay. You are okay, right? Yeah,

I think you're a little uncomfortable, though, aren't you? Well, it's a bit

unnerving, I have to be honest. You know, no windows, no floors. It's kind

Like my version of hell, except without the Celine Dion music.

Right.

Mighty, get up here!

What the hell is that? Is someone buried under all this?

No. No, it's... It's my 93 -year -old Uncle Rudolph. He just moved into the

attic. What? Yeah, he got kicked out of every retirement home on the eastern

seaboard. He's not like us, Eddie. He's not really a people person.

Mighty!

Okay, I see what you mean. Yeah, and he's on his best behavior right now,

because he wants his precious talcum powder.

It just won't die.

And there's enough asbestos up in that attic that the roaches can't even

survive.

Okay, listen, I'm going to let you get back to your uncle. I just wanted to...

to make sure you're all right. It's great to see you. I'm fine, obviously.

Okay, and I'll see you at school, right? Yes, you will.

Okay, hey.

What, are you bold?

No, not at all.

Didn't think so. Okay.

See ya. Yep.

Thanks, Eddie.

What is it?

Look, you've got 20 more minutes on that oxygen tank even after the alarm goes

off.

You old fart.

54, 55.

Don't get up.

What took you so damn long?

I was with a guest.

I have friends, Uncle Rudolph.

The hell you do.

He's real.

Like that cheese, you know?

Thank God your folks are all dead so they don't see it like this, you sick

bastard.

Pretend that you didn't say that, because you couldn't possibly mean I'll

hurtful in vile things you say to me.

Don't patronize me, you candy -ass princess.

I was an actor.

I was in The Wizard of Oz.

That was me in The Lollipop Guild.

You were never in The Lollipop Guild.

I was a mudskin, Janet.

As well as a...

Oompa Loompa with Mr. Gene Wilder and the only Willy Wonka. You can look it

you fool.

You were never in either of those things. You were not a little person. I

too. I had a growth spurt in my early 40s.

It happens. If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that.

I wish I'd shut you out when you showed up on my doorstep.

You're... This is my house.

It should fall on you and kill you and curl up your feet like the Wicked Witch

of the East.

Who was a dear friend of mine.

And I still correspond with Leon the Flying Monkey Boy.

Well, I can see why you never lived with anyone.

You're an awful person.

That's not what Alfred Nobel said when he gave me his prize.

You never got a Nobel Prize, Uncle Rudolph.

Microbiology, 1937.

Look it up.

All right, here's your precious talcum powder.

Is there anything else you need?

Yeah, I'd like a birthday party.

I never had one.

You want a birthday party?

Yeah. This is probably going to be my last one.

But I want to plan it myself. I don't want any surprise party.

Why? My doctor said surprises might kill me.

I'm having a surprise party for my Uncle Rudolph and you're all invited.

When is it?

Saturday. Tell Eddie. And Doug and Allie can come, too. I need lots of people. I

want lots of noise.

In fact, I have symbols for everybody. If you've got a starter pistol, bring

Hey, Wyatt. Yeah.

I got a real gun.

On me.

Hey, you don't make us go through the metal detectors.

Yeah.

Well, bring it.

It is kind of short notice.

Yeah, well, he's going to be 93 years old. Everything is short notice. And it

has to be Saturday, too, because that's the only time he leaves the house to

have his back abscess drained.

Sounds like a hell of a party.

When were you ever at a party?

I have one every time you leave a room.

I have a drink every time you come in one.

You know, I was going to kill myself Saturday, but I'm a party guy, so I

could push it to Sunday.

Do American school systems have no criteria for hiring teachers?

Hi, everybody.

Hi. What's going on? Oh, well, I was just inviting everyone to my Uncle

Rudolph's birthday party.

You invited them before me?

Oh, well, you know, you always invite the most interesting people last, if

everybody knows that.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, aren't you the last person invited anywhere?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am. Well, then there you go.

Well, I'll be there.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, Raj, this invitation is extended to you as well.

What makes you think I assumed that it didn't? Since I've been standing here

whole time and heard you say all of you are invited and technically being human,

considered myself to be part of the all.

Well, I... I meant no disrespect. I just wanted to make sure that you were there

because somebody has to clean up.

And I accept your apology, you dirty son of a motherless... Can't believe the

British stayed there so long.

Okay, what are you doing? Let's get dressed. We're already 15 minutes late.

a surprise party, Joy. We're supposed to get there before the surprisee. Come

on. Will you relax?

We have plenty of time. Okay, which one do you like, the red one or the blue

one? Whichever one goes on the quickest. Why don't you just throw heels on with

the robe and let's go?

Come on.

Seriously, I want your opinion.

Blue. You didn't even think about it, Eddie.

Come on, this is important to me. We never get invited to parties, especially

with people we work with. I want to look my best.

So you want to impress those gargoyles we work with?

Raj, the old drunk, Mrs. Rooney, the guy with the gun?

Pick a dress. I did, blue.

I don't think it's too slutty. On you, no.

All right, I'm going to wear the red.

Okay, wait, just out of curiosity, what the hell?

I'll get it. No, no, I'll get it. You get dressed, okay?

Hello? Eddie, Eddie, where are you? He's almost here.

I know, Whitey, we're out the door. We'll be there soon.

Okay. Was that Eddie?

Yes, he's on his way.

Oh, so I got here on time and I'm standing around in all this filth while

Stark is out there breathing fresh air?

Well, unfortunately, yes. Okay, where's the bar? The what?

Yeah, I need a drink. Oh, no, I don't think that's a good idea, is it? I mean,

you know the effect alcohol has on you, mistress? I mean, the last time you had

a drink?

I ended up needing a skin graft.

But you did learn not to spill Mommy's margarita now, didn't you?

See? It was a teachable moment.

Where's the booze?

Well, it's in the kitchen in the third refrigerator to the right lower shelf.

No, no, no, no. I don't want the rot gut you're serving to the goon platoon. I

want the good stuff. All right, follow this purple cord over here all the way

to the wheelbarrow filled with the little Gorbachev dolls, and each one of

has a little airline -sized bottle of vodka inside it.

The red splotch on the forehead is the spout.

Oh, you're going to pay for that!

Everybody ready?

Well, I am, but I can't seem to find Doug.

What do you mean you can't find Doug?

Well, you know the game hide -and -seek?

Yeah, the game you play when you're three years old?

Yeah. Well, Doug's really good at it, and he's been hiding for over an hour,

I can't seem to find him. So you guys are playing hide -and -seek right now?

Yeah. Well, it was Doug's main sport in high school. He would have gotten a

scholarship for it if it was recognized by anyone, anywhere.

Doesn't he know we have to leave?

Oh, yeah, no, he can hear you. You just can't see him. And now that he knows

that you're looking for him, let's just stoke the flames of his competitive

juices. We may never find him.

I'll stoke his flames.

Todd?

Okay, listen to me. Wherever you are, I ask you to come out of hiding right now

and reveal yourself.

Dad, you know, he's not under the table. He's in the zone. You're not going to

find him.

Oh, yeah?

All right, Doug, listen to me.

This is not a threat.

I'm just making a statement.

I respect your ability to hide, and I am impressed that you have had such

success with it.

And I'm sure that if there was anything visually interesting about not being

able to see people, I'm sure that it would be a televised sport.

But since it is not, and since we have to get to a 93 -year -old surprise

birthday party right now, I ask that you come out of your hiding place now.

Please.

All the oxen free, Doug.

Red Rover, Red Rover.

Send Doug right over.

How are you?

He's really good, isn't he, Daddy?

My man.

You haven't even seen him seek.

Okay, ready.

Finally. Okay, let's go. Come on. No, no, no. We can't go yet. We haven't

Doug. What?

It's okay. We don't need Doug. Come on. Let's go. Is he playing hide and seek

again? Yeah.

He's the greatest.

Okay, good.

Then he'll still be hiding when we get home. Come on. You know, I was thinking,

you know, maybe it's not the best idea for me to go out in my condition.

Allison, in your condition, you're not sick. You're pregnant.

And you've got two weeks to go. Besides, I was a week late. That really means

you have three weeks to go. So if I have to go to this party, you have to go to

this party. Let's go to the party.

Are you happy, Joy? You made her cry.

What? I didn't do anything. It's her hormones.

Oh, Ellie.

I'm right here, baby.

I'm right here.

Doug?

I'm so sorry.

you doing?

I'm a sympathetic crier.

When somebody else cries, I cry.

That's how they always found me, to hide and seek.

I mean, what the hell are you doing hiding in our couch?

Oh, I took out the sleeper bed thingy for the perfect hiding place. You

out my couch for a hiding place? That is extremely disturbing.

I'll tell you something that's more disturbing.

30 seconds ago, I was sitting on his face.

Yeah, well, there was no picnic for me either, sir.

But I'm a pro.

Boy, I hope to God the baby has your brains.

All right, are we going to this party or what?

Yeah, come on, let's go.

We can still make it.

Come on, crybaby daddy.

Wow,

the baby has more room than we do.

Man, there are so many hiding places here.

Yeah.

Thank God you guys made it.

Oh, I told you we would, Whitey. Yeah, he's not here yet, so... How would you

know?

Eddie, I thought you were exaggerating a little.

No, see what I'm saying? And look at that, there's the gnome. The gnome's

He's on the couch. The gnome is there.

Damn it, Luther got back in again. I forgot to lock the doggy door.

Hey, Whitey, how come you have so much stuff?

Well, you know, everything is connected to a memory of some sort. Yeah, okay,

yeah, screw the memories. Where's the bar?

Oh, yeah. In the kitchen. Third refrigerator on the right.

Oh.

Hey, Ms. Duffy.

Oh, hey, Joy.

Wow, you're in 3 -D tonight.

Hey, who did your jugs? Because I'm thinking about getting a bigger rack

Uh, well, mine were done by God and gravity.

Oh, well, I guess it all balances out in the end. You know, you got...

Two great boobs here and one big ugly one over there.

I just made it funny.

Not so much. Oh, hey, Jill.

Can I ask you something, girl to girl? Sure.

Are you at all interested in girl to girl?

Okay, I think you've had a little too much to drink.

How do you think?

Back in India, I was also a doctor.

Really? A fellow doctor, huh?

Let me ask you a question.

Where do you guys land on the whole hand -washing thing?

Well, I'm in favor of it. Back home, I often had my patients wash their hands.

We don't call them untouchables for nothing. Hey.

I got a theory on the whole Gandhi thing. It wasn't a hunger strike. He was

bulimic.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, the whole thing. He was looking for attention like a little teenage

standing in front of the mirror. Does my diaper make me look fat? Look from

here. Look from here.

What is wrong with this country? I am so rooting for China.

Hey, more Dim Song, huh? Oh, my favorite.

Hey,

uh, excuse me. Do you mind if my wife sits there? She's pregnant.

Not my baby.

Quiet, quiet. Here he comes, okay?

Everybody get your cymbals. Remember, shockingly loud.

And, Raj, don't go easy on that air horn.

You stay surprised.

Uncle

Rudolph,

weren't you surprised?

Oh, I don't know. Let me check.

No, that's from yesterday.

Okay, let's go.

Wow, that was some party. It's the first time I ever took a shot to the basket

by a little person.

Guess I could take that off my bucket list.

Did you guys see that chicken that plays checkers?

Almost beat him the second time.

I'm just glad we got out of there before Duffy stole third base.

Oh my God, oh my God, he's kicking.

Doug.

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

Hey, dude, you're about to leave the ultimate hiding place.

Daddy.

No, every time I put my big mitt on him, he stops kicking.

Come on. Come on.

Little guy.

It's Grandpa Pop.

Pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Amazing to think that inside here is a little brain.

And this is soft.

I think that looked more like the leg.

Seriously.

And this is soft.

Oh,

God.

That was dead on.