Original subtitles

You are never going to believe what Simona told me. All that I won't even

She and Steven split up. Get out.

Yeah, that's what she told him.

Oh, gosh.

What, was he cheating on her? Why would you automatically assume that he was

cheating on her? Because otherwise she would have been the one to move out.

That's how it works, Joy. Whoever strays pays.

Which is why I was assuming that I... What, that he left her for a younger

woman? Is there anything about a younger woman?

Could have been an older woman.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

Anyway, it's awful.

You know what I did? I just made a reservation for their anniversary at

about it. Yeah, might as well cancel it.

Or we could make it for two.

Yeah, I'll cancel it.

Anyway, what do you think happened?

Well, I am meeting her later for a mani -pedi to get all the gory details.

Well, look, just be careful, Julia, okay?

You know what? You're better off not to get involved with anybody, ever.

I'm not going to get involved.

I'm just going to get enough details to make me feel superior.

That's what friends do.

Well, at least our marriage is strong, huh, baby?

Yeah.

Is it strong, Eddie, or am I just lazy and you're afraid of disease?

It works.

Let's not look under the hood.

striking this set. It's all fake.

Look.

No.

No, no, no, no. They were just out there, I swear.

Doug, this is getting serious.

You've got to see somebody.

I'm not kidding. I'm calling Dr. Sportello for a reference.

You mean like a shrink?

Yes, Doug, a shrink. You need some help.

Steven, how are you? I'm good. I'm great. Never been better.

Good. Glad to hear that. All right.

I'll see you later.

You probably heard that Simone and I broke up, huh?

No. No, I'm... Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

I'm shocked.

Okay, got to go.

Simone came home and called me in bed with her sister.

What?

Really? I only said that because it looked like you wanted to leave.

The real reason we split up is because I grind my teeth.

At least that's how it started.

Here's how it ended.

Y 'all can go grind your teeth in hell, you bastard.

It's hard to believe that you broke up over something so trivial.

It wasn't just the grinding, Eddie.

It was the last 15 years. All the whining and all the complaining and all

yells.

But that laugh of hers didn't help, huh?

What do you mean?

Oh, you know, that cackle.

What was that? I mean, it's like razor blades in my spine.

I actually liked it a lot.

Oh, well, I'm sure it grows on you. But listen, you know, Joey and I, we felt

really bad about this because we like both of you so much.

I appreciate that, Eddie.

But if you had to choose between us, you'd choose me, right?

Are we talking about friendship or desert island sex?

Trick question, buddy, trick question. I would pick you for both.

In a heartbeat.

In a heartbeat.

I mean, I gotta tell you, Simona, you've always been our favorite.

I mean, that's no knock against Steven, but you're more fun, and the way you say

y 'all, and that great laugh of yours, it's like a busload of happy children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There it is.

Oh, all I asked the man to do was wear a mouth guard. Is that too much? No, it

is not. What did he say?

Just a bunch of gobbledygook about being uncomfortable and not being able to

breathe.

Meanwhile, I'm awake all night listening to the grinding.

I can hear it even when I put a pillow over his face.

You put a pillow over his face?

Yeah, just until he loses consciousness.

I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing.

You know, we were going to take you to Le Petit Chateau for your anniversary.

Oh, my God.

That place is so expensive.

I'm surprised that Eddie would spring for a place like that.

Yeah, are you kidding?

It's your anniversary.

Well, that doesn't matter anymore now, does it?

Listen, Simona, between you and me, I think this might be for the best.

You think so?

Yeah. I mean, just think about it. You don't have to sit for the next 15 years

while Steven puts his little pinky in his ear during meals.

I never noticed that.

Really?

It's like something a hillbilly would do.

Anyway, the point is, you are young and you're a beautiful woman. And you're a

doctor, for crying out loud. You have your whole life ahead of you.

And I'm sure that there are lots of men who would be lucky to have you.

You know, I only had two boyfriends before I married Stephen.

Wow. Yeah.

How many boyfriends did you have before you married Eddie?

Well... you would have to define boyfriends.

It's either six or a really big number.

If I were to tell you that there's no

ceiling, what would you say?

I would say that you're crazy, but that's why you're going to a shrink.

Okay, one of us is crazy, Allie, because when I look up... All I see are lights

and catwalks and microphones.

Honey, you're seeing and hearing things that aren't really there. It's obvious

to everyone but you.

We're going to get you some help.

I appreciate that, Allie.

Because I'm worried we're going to get canceled.

Hang in there.

Okay.

I'm not afraid of you because...

I know you're not really there.

Or maybe I'm... Or maybe... Lyme? Not really here.

Thanks, Lizzie.

Not really here.

I mean,

can you imagine? Simona makes him sleep in this hideous dental contraption so he

doesn't grind his teeth?

It was a custom -fitted mouth guard made by a dentist.

Yeah, but it was extremely uncomfortable.

Yeah, well, I imagine it's a little uncomfortable to try to sleep when

grinding their teeth at night. So then she should wear her earplugs.

But what if there's a fire, Eddie?

You smell a fire, Joy. You don't hear one. Okay. Oh, right. That must be why

have all those smell detectors all over the house.

Okay, those are alarms, Joy. You hear alarms.

All right, so I am to understand that you would let me die in a fire before

you'd wear a mouth guard.

I have sensitive gums. You would just have to wear the earplugs. What? Why am

always doing all the wearing?

No, Joy, I can't wear a condom. It's like showering in a raincoat.

Nine months later, hi, Allie.

Nice try changing the subject, but grinding my teeth has never bothered me.

Yeah, well, it's bothered me.

Wait a minute.

I don't even grind my teeth.

Oh, my God. Did you see what just happened? We had someone else's

See, that's the way it goes. When your friends break up, you end up picking

sides. I took Stephen's side, and you took the side of the nut.

You're a guy, and guys always take the side of the guy.

That's not true.

Well, yes, it is. I can prove it to you.

Okay, let's see. If you were stranded on a desert island, which one of them

would you pick to be with? Okay, now that's a trick question, because if I

her, I'm cheating on you, and if I pick him, you win the argument.

It's Sophie's choice.

You can't answer the question, can you? To you? Yes, I can.

I would pick Simona.

Really? Really.

And I could assume that

your clothes would be torn and tattered from the shipwreck?

Yeah, they would be.

That the two of you would have to huddle together at night to stay warm?

Well, I sure hope you don't grind your teeth at night, because it would smother

you in your sleep.

Good night.

Good night.

I guess it's safe to assume that there would be a lagoon where both of you

be swimming naked. Shut up, Eddie.

Take that as a yes.

So what's going on, Doug?

Uh, I think I'm going crazy.

Good, then you've come to the right place.

If you were having trouble with your ankles, I couldn't help you, but I'm

with crazy.

Do you know what's weird?

Actually, I do.

I know lots of things that are weird.

But what's weird to you?

Well, has anybody ever told you that you look just like the girl who played

Blossom?

I am the girl that played Blossom.

No way!

When the show was over, I went into medicine, became a shrink, and found my

specialty, dealing in sitcomosis.

That's the term for someone who thinks that they're living in a sitcom.

I thought it was just me.

Okay.

So why did you locate to Philadelphia?

Philadelphia? Yeah, we're in Philadelphia, right?

Sure.

Tell me what you've been experiencing.

Um... Okay, well the weirdest thing is the laughter I hear it almost every time

I say something even if it's not funny There did you hear that? Did you hear

that?

Yes, I did.

Oh, thank God.

That's because I have a laugh track here in the office. I just hit this button

right here.

Check this out.

Doug, you're gonna die.

Why do you have a laugh track?

Ah, the eternal question.

Most of my patients are used to hearing laughs.

Plus, I got so used to hearing them when I was on the show that I wanted to keep

hearing them.

Okay, so what's going on? Am I crazy?

Look, Doug, you're having paranoid delusions, which I would guess is caused

using drugs.

Ironically, this condition can be cured using drugs.

With the correct combination of serotonin reuptake inhibitors, downers,

aspirin, we can return you to something close to normal.

Tell me exactly what you've been experiencing.

Okay, well, in addition to the laugh track, my girlfriend has looked like

or four different people.

I don't ever remember buying clothes.

Nothing serious ever happens to anybody.

The crew only laughs during blocking.

It's just this constant feeling of being observed.

I can assure you, Doug, no one is watching.

It's like Friday night on Fox.

There's nobody there, buddy.

Okay, that's a relief.

Look, Doug, you seem like a bright guy, so let me give you a philosophical

overview of the situation.

You need to stop this nonsense about being in a sitcom.

It will ruin your relationships, it will ruin your life, but more importantly,

it'll ruin the show.

What show?

The show we're all in, Doug. The big show.

Called Life.

What if we're all just part of someone else's dream?

It doesn't matter.

And even if it is a dream, it doesn't matter who's dreaming it. Could be a

of some Hollywood hat to support his need for poison narcotics.

I said that exact same thing in a previous episode.

Everybody says it. It's our worst fear.

It doesn't even matter if it's God's dream.

All that matters is that we're in it.

So learn your lines, go out there and be funny before whoever is dreaming this

wakes up.

Okay.

I'm going to give you a prescription and a catchphrase.

A catchphrase?

Yes. As long as you're having these delusions, a catchphrase will help you

with stress.

Just say it whenever you feel frightened or when you need to get out of a scene.

It's a button.

Here you go. Try it.

Whoa.

Trust me, it worked.

Oh, hey, Joy.

Hi, Stephen.

Oh, this is a coincidence.

Yeah, it is. I was just picking up some chocolate -covered donuts to celebrate

the end of a diet.

How's it going?

Fabulous. I've never been happier in my life. You know, a lot of people feel

that way when they ditch the old ball and chain.

Well, no, no. I'm happy because Simone and I got back together again.

I was kidding.

You know, I suspected that you were back together because you look just so

happy. Yeah, very happy. I went over there last night to pick up my shaving

and we talked.

You have shaving gear? Who are you, Sweeney Todd?

No, I got all that stuff. I even have the strop.

The strop?

Yeah, you know, the leather thing you sharpen the blade on, gets you a really

close shave.

You ought to look into it.

I beg your pardon?

No, I mean, just... Oh, I'm sorry, that was a shadow.

But anyway, the point is, Simone and I made up, and I moved back in.

Well, I'm so happy that you're happy. And Eddie is going to be so happy that

you're happy. Well, Simone and I are both happy that you're happy for us.

And we can all be happy together when you take us out to dinner tomorrow

Dinner? Yeah, Simone said that you said you wanted to take us to Le Petit

Chateau. And now you can. It's back on again. Isn't that great?

Yeah, it's great.

I mean, unless, of course, this was all rude and you didn't think that we would

actually be able to go there. Oh, stop it. Are you kidding?

It's a special place for a special night.

It really is. But you know where else is really great? Is Spaghet about it?

Spaghet about it. Ah, crap. Oh, you're funny.

So we will see you tomorrow night then at Le Petit Chateau. Okay. Bring money.

I'm going to get you that straw.

was just making a reservation for tomorrow night at Le Petit Chateau. Why?

Because Stephen and Simona got back together.

So because they're back together, now I'm on the hook for an expensive meal?

For what it costs at Le Petit Chateau, I could buy a little house.

Nice work, Joy Joy. Hey, it is not my fault.

I gotta blame somebody. What happened?

Well, apparently Stephen went over there to pick up his shaving gear and they

just patched things up.

He's got shaving gear? Yeah, including a strop.

Well, ask him where he got that. I'll pick you up one.

Eddie, I do not need a strop. All right, well, no, it's just, you know... Stop

it! All right, come on.

Just teasing.

Anyway, Stephen, move back in. All right, well, good for them.

One thing I can tell you, baby, you never got to worry about me moving out,

baby love. Really?

Absolutely. Yeah, we are good together, aren't we? Yes, we are. In a wildly

dysfunctional way, we're the best.

Imagine if either of us got our act together, this whole relationship would

apart.

Well, I don't think that's ever going to happen because you're as disturbed and

damaged as the first day I met you.

You flatterer.

Give me a little sugar, baby.

Better, I think.

She said the pills would take a while to start working, so I've been using the

coping techniques that she showed me. Good.

I want you to be back to normal.

Yeah, me too.

Whatever normal is.

Normal is where we live our lives normally, and we don't question what's

and isn't real.

Really?

Yeah.

Let's face it, Doug.

There's no real answer to that question.

The best thing we can do is enjoy life now, because now's all we got.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life.

Oh, see, look, you keep thinking like that, everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, I mean it. Thank you.

There's chocolate -covered donuts in the house. How about I go get us some?

That'd be great.

Okay. We'll be right back.

I'm going to miss you guys.

Hey, before these drugs kick in, how about one last big laugh for old time's

sake?

Whoa.

All right, to your anniversary.

May there be many more.

Actually, we split up earlier this afternoon.

We're just here for the free meal.

We're tighter now than we've ever been, right?

That's true.

We're like teenagers.

That's right. Completely confused, always self -absorbed, and chronically

rubbing one out.

What do I love?

Just right here.

Watch it with a laugh on it. You don't want to annoy the big guy.

What? Yeah, he doesn't like that laugh of yours, right, Eddie? I mean, you said

it was like a cackle. You said it was like razor blades on your spine.

Never say anything.

Yeah, he did.

All right. I said something like that because I was trying to be supportive of

Stephen. Yeah, I did not agree with him at all. I love your laugh, honey.

Thank you. And I don't mind any of the stuff that Joy finds annoying about you.

I don't find anything annoying about Stephen. I didn't... Oh, sure you did.

said he sticks his finger in his ear like a little hillbilly.

Oh, yeah, you were being real supportive.

She said, now that I'm rid of you, I can get lucky with lots of men.

That's a compliment.

I didn't mean it like that.

How else could you have meant it?

She's a whore and I'm a hillbilly jackass.

I don't think we know Simona well enough to decide whether she's a whore or not.

But I can certainly say that when you do stick your pinky in your melon,

Stephen, you do look like a hillbilly jackass.

Truth be told, the reason I do that is I'm an overactive producer of earwax.

It's true.

He supplies Madame Tussauds.

Hey, half of Jay Leno's chin came out of this ear.

All right, all right. Now you're best of friends, right?

Oh, maybe just a little bit.

Hey, another toast to Drunky and Gigantor.

To the whore in the hillbilly.

Well,

that can never happen because you're as disinfectant and...

Truth be told, the reason I do that is because I'm an over -actor.

And you know what? I keep thinking I'm going to get tired of it. Wait, wait,

wait. Oh, you want to do your thing again? Please. I'm just trying to get

lines going. Do your thing.

Thank you.

No, not like that.