Original subtitles

Joey, honey. Not tonight, Eddie.

You know how much I love Zeppelins.

I'm not taking them out, Eddie.

I'm talking about blimps, dirigibles.

I'm not taking them out, Eddie. They hurt.

I'm going to write a book.

You're kidding.

Yep. And I already have the topic.

Let me guess. Blimps? Yes.

Yes, the definitive history of the Hindenburg.

Are you or are you not trying to get these puppies out of the hangar?

No, maybe I was at first. But now I am talking about actually writing a book.

I can tell you the story of the Hindenburg. They built it. It blew up

Listen, there's a lot more to it than that, Joy. Oh, okay. I think the story

the Hindenburg, told in my unique style, will shine a light on the past and

future. Of blimping.

Who are you going to get to publish this steamy, sexy page -turner?

Well, it just so happens that there is a publishing house right here in

Philadelphia that does historical books.

And I happen to have an in there because my uncle circumcised one of their

editors.

Your uncle was a mohel?

No, he was just a very clumsy tailor.

Anyway, I already have the title.

A Good Blimp is Hard to Find.

No. Oh, The Insanity. No.

Blimp Biscuit?

Are you done?

Dead Zeppelin?

Airship of Fools?

The Notorious B -L -I -M -P?

No.

It's going to be called The Hindenburg, The End.

Of an error.

Get it?

No, I do not.

All right. You know what? We're done.

Pick them out.

In short, the story of the Hindenburg, it has everything.

Life, death, big things blowing up, Nazis, humor.

Well, not Nazi humor, because...

I mean, after all, how funny were they?

Except for Colonel Klink. He was pretty... Hogan!

He was... I love it. I love it. But I'm a Jew.

So, you know, Nazis usually make me nervous, okay? But when they blow up,

in. All right. So you really love it, huh?

Yeah. Come on.

Zeppelin? Zeppelin!

Nobody sets Zeppelins for years.

I know. It's the great untold story of the 20th century.

You know, when I first saw the proposal you had for the Zeppelin book, I thought

it was going to be about a heavy metal band.

All right. Yeah, I used to listen to the Zepp a little bit, I think.

You know, I didn't even like when I saw them in concert in person.

You know, with all of the underwear that the women threw on stage to Robert

Plant, you'd think just once, you know, he would put on a pair, you know?

All right, let's get back to the book. I know it's a sad ending, okay?

But I happen to think that Zeppelins have to be fun.

No, they are.

They're fun.

They're just big, dope. Hopi sky balloons.

Look, think of me if I could fly and I had a motor in my ass.

That's funny, but that's not going to be in the book, right?

I mean, look, you don't want to choke your way out of a publisher, do you? I

mean, that's what Pauly Shore did.

Well, you're the publisher, yeah.

So you really want to do this, huh?

Yeah, come on. You know, our history division is like world -renowned, man.

So how does this whole I'm a real writer thing work?

Well, you sign our standard contract and we give you a small advance to start

writing. So you really, really want to do this?

Yes. Yes. How many times?

You were made for this company. I tell you.

You're in. You're in.

Congratulations, Eddie.

You are now officially an author. Okay, buddy? Thank you, Miles. Thank you,

buddy.

By the way, how did a guy like you get a name like Miles Turner Cliff?

Well, my parents, they couldn't afford a nose job, and this was my best shot.

Doug?

Doug?

Don't be mad because you caught me in the garden with a... I

need an explanation. I found these in the fo -fu.

It's like tofu, but it's flavored with a variety of rinds. No, Doug, these are

checks. These are checks from your father for thousands of dollars.

Yeah, I know.

Well, then why haven't we cashed them?

Checks turn into money, Doug, and money turns into comfort, and I'm very

uncomfortable right now.

I need mascara and pretzels and things. Allie, my father's money comes from oil,

and he's a leech. He's an oil -fucking leech leeching the final bodily fluids

out of our precious globe.

That's why I've dedicated my life and time to everyone else, to the service of

others. I've volunteered for everything, Allie. I've even volunteered to be a

volunteer for the volunteer program.

Well, that's great. Something good has come out of your relationship with your

father. You've helped people.

Yeah, because I never got any help. I was rejected and neglected.

It's a miracle I'm not a stand -up comedian.

Doug, I haven't heard anything bad about your father from anybody but you.

Okay, I tell you what. You doubt me?

I'm going to set up an appointment with him so you can meet him and judge for

yourself. Good. Yeah. Yeah. And I promise that you're going to wish you

time machine so you'd go back to a time where you never even met him.

Doug, how many times do I have to explain this to you? If people could

through time, they would already be here because they would have invented time

travel in the future. But because they're not here from the future, you

travel through time and you're never going to be able to travel through time

because of the temporal paradox.

Ah, my Doug. But what if time...

was not a loop, but it was linear. And we're standing on the forward edge of

space. Call your damn father.

Fine.

If I have time.

Stick that near temporal paradox and smoke it. I heard that.

Love you.

What you got cooking on there, Blake?

And now for Mama. Special vitamin?

Vitamin V?

Well, I think I have some news that you will find equally intoxicating.

I doubt that, but go ahead.

Joy Joy, you are looking at a soon -to -be published author.

No way.

Yes way, baby. I sold my blimp book.

Pay me. Guess what they're paying me. One million dollars!

Woo -hoo!

White trash money dance. Honey, hold on.

Okay, hold on.

It's my debut tone. We're not in Harry Potter land yet. Be realistic.

Half a million dollars! Woo -hoo!

White trash money dance and break it down.

No, listen.

It's a book. It's a book about blimps.

Come down a little bit now.

Okay. I don't know. Ten grand?

Almost. Five?

Yeah, $3 ,000.

White trash money dance.

Oh, yeah, we are going to Cizena.

Yes, baby.

I wish we had done

this sooner. It's so nice having lunch with the two of you.

I bet your lobster didn't feel so hot, Dad, when it was being boiled alive and

shucked like an ear of corn.

If lobsters aren't meant to be food, why did they taste so good?

Besides, my lobster might have been a shrimp beater.

And who doesn't love battered shrimp?

Okay,

well, this has been a lot of fun, but we've got to get back and mulch the

tomatoes. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Oh, come on, sit down, Doug. I'm enjoying myself.

No, you two chat. I'm going to go wash the stink of dead crustacean off my

He means well.

I know he does.

But the truth is, Allie, I have not been the greatest father in all of the

world. So I try to buy everybody's affection with cash.

It's been remarkably successful.

Except for Doug.

Somehow he ended up with principles.

I'd hoped it was just a phase, but apparently he believes this stuff.

He does.

Look, I want you to take this. Doug won't cash my checks, and I know you

could use a little help.

I don't know, George. That might violate the rigorous trust and honesty that

Doug and I have. $10 ,000 cash.

I have a little problem. I don't have any money, Ellen.

I do. That's the problem.

Duck's father gave me $10 ,000.

Allison Mayweather Stark, what did you do?

Ew, no, nothing.

It was a gift and it was in cash.

Wow, you don't see cash much anymore.

I know.

I slipped it in my underwear and it made me feel so dirty.

I like that.

And then when I got home, I put it on the bed and rolled around in it.

You ever sit in pudding?

I don't know what that means.

Maybe you're not my daughter.

But here's one. You ever pour yourself a highball and sit on the washing

machine?

Spin cycle?

Pair of sneakers in there?

I thought we were sharing. Go on.

Well, here's the problem. Doug won't take money from his father.

Don't tell him you have it.

Well, he's my husband. Don't I have to tell him everything?

Yeah, right.

Your father doesn't know my real weight, my real hair color, my real hair color,

my real age, who your real father is.

It's a joke, Allie.

Why don't you take some of that money and buy yourself a sense of humor?

So what do I do really?

Tell him the truth.

That's what I thought.

But spend it first.

That's what I thought.

Hello,

baby.

Hi. Hi.

What smells so weird?

Do you like it? It's called clean.

I went to the spa. I spent the entire day being scrubbed by tiny Asian women.

At this moment, I'm cleaner than your colon.

Oh, that's impossible.

I passed the fine cone last week.

I also went to the supermarket.

Ta -da!

Real food. Isn't it great?

Did my father give you money?

Okay, yes. A little.

Can I make a sandwich and feed it to you naked?

He's the tempter, Allie. He pimped. Just like you're trying to do right now.

trying to make our lives better.

Allie, I took my father's filthy bribes for years.

I drank from his poison cup.

Until one day, I woke up behind the wheel of my Ferrari, parked on the quay

St. Jean Cap Ferrat with Emma Thompson sleeping in my lap.

And I thought, Duggar, it doesn't get any better than this.

And I was right.

It doesn't get any better than that, but it wasn't enough.

And I realized it would never be enough, so I quit. I stopped.

Stopped all the drinking and the partying and the fast cars and all the

Except the naturally occurring ones, but they're different.

I hopped on the G5 when I flew home and I told my dad that I never want another

penny of his filthy lucre.

You had a Ferrari?

I did.

I'm not proud of it.

You called yourself Duger?

Also not proud.

You dated Emma Thompson?

Kind of proud of that.

Isn't she a little old for you?

We call ourselves the Duger and the Cougar.

Allie, the point is, money is an addiction.

And the only way out is cold turkey.

But for the first time, we have cold turkey. So how about that sandwich?

I want you to give back the money.

All of it? All of it.

The entire...

Five hundred dollars?

Absolutely.

Minus whatever you've already spent.

Okay.

I'll get it.

Good evening. Are you the man of the house?

Why, what have you heard?

No, no, I'm Doug's father. George!

Doug's... Biological father?

Right. Well, you sure are pretty.

For a man.

Yes, I know.

You should have seen me in the 80s. I was gorgeous.

So is Doug here? He called me. Oh, yes, yes. Please come in.

Hey, Joy, come on down here. Take a look at Pigpen's dad.

It's just I imagined you a little differently.

Well, he takes after his mother, as I remember her.

That was a lot of wives ago.

Her name was Lotus. We met at a Billie Jean King Invitational.

I had a short lesbian phase.

She was a short lesbian.

She was five foot two, drove an ice cream truck. Shall I go on? I feel like

Harvey Oswald.

I'm acting alone.

No, it's just I find it fascinating.

We had a brief affair resulting in Doug, whom I love, and I'd say that even if

it wasn't mandated by a court order.

Oh, here's my current wife, Joy.

Not a lesbian.

Still correct?

Correct. Yeah.

Well, we're working on it.

Anyway, this, believe it or not, is Doug's father, George.

Oh, wow.

It sure is pretty. I know. What does it mean?

Well, I shan't say.

How do you have two limos?

Well, in case one breaks down, you need a backup.

I have the same philosophy about spouses.

George, I know this may be an indelicate question, but how in God's name... Oil.

Not a writer? No. Damn!

What's with the motorcade? Is your helicopter in the shop?

Well, I would have brought the helicopter, but I didn't want to

Mom, Dad, would you excuse us? The three of us have to talk out at our place.

Sure, honey.

Well... George, stop by any time.

Will do.

And listen, rest assured, your helicopter won't embarrass us because

arrested for public urination.

As a couple.

in Monterey. The fruit pickers use it as an outhouse and chapel.

So I assume that you called me here because of the money that I gave to

Yes, I did, and I don't like it.

Doug, you're young. Someday you'll appreciate money for what it is.

The root of all evil? Yes.

George, Doug and I have talked about it, and as much as we could use the money,

and we could really, really use the money, Doug has principles, and you

put a price on principles.

Oh, sure you can. It's a hundred grand domestically, a bag of rice, and an Uzi

in the third world.

Anyway, we've decided that we're going to just... Keep it.

What? Let's keep the money.

I thought about it, Allie, and sometimes...

We have to put people before principles.

As explained beautifully by Spock in The Wrath of Khan as he lay dying in the

radiation chamber. And he said, and I quote, The needs of the many

outweigh the needs of the few.

Or the one.

And then he perished.

That's great, Doug.

The point is, even though it violates all my principles, I love you so much.

And I can't stand seeing you unhappy, so if that requires having money to buy

things, then so be it.

Thanks, Doug.

I love you.

I love you too, puppy pants.

No more money, okay, Dad?

Well, how am I supposed to let you know that I love you?

You can just tell me.

No, seriously.

I love you, Doug.

I love you too, Dad.

Thank you, Dad.

Oh, listen, before I go, I want to apologize for dragging you to that orgy

Rome when you were just a little boy.

It was a different time. Larry Olivier was a dear friend.

And you were such a good sport.

Well, aloha.

You know,

I'm a little concerned that your book is going to become more important to you

than I am.

Not possible. Why not?

Because you just like a book. You're my best seller.

Go on.

Okay, you're... Well, you stimulate the imagination.

You're informative.

You have an appendix.

You have an amazing forward.

Like a good book, when I'm finished with you, I roll over and go to sleep.

And from the night I first picked you up, I never wanted to put you back down.

I picked you up.

But, you know, believe what you want to believe.

I'm proud of you, Eddie. Yeah?

Thank you.

Hey, you know what? I'm going to dedicate the book to you. Really? Yep.

I am. Want to hear what I got so far?

To joy.

That's it.

So far, so good.

Hey, that's perfect.

To joy.

So far, so good.

You like it? I knew you would.

And that's how I met Clarence Clemons.

Except none of that is true.

He just makes this stuff up.

Excuse me, Clarence?

Would you tell my son and his enamorata here how long we've known each other?

Your dad introduced me to Bruce.

One day, Bruce and I invited him to come jogging with us. And your dad said...

We were born to run.

Read my book.