Original subtitles

All right, Joy Joy.

This is the spot. This is where I'm going to put the jacuzzi. You're really

serious about that?

Honey, this is something I've wanted my whole life. A bubbling cauldron of hot

water that I could stick my big circus tuchus in right here.

I'm going to make my own pot of any soup.

As long as your matzo balls aren't in it. Okay, go ahead, scoff. But it just

happens there are many therapeutic benefits about having a jacuzzi. Name

Number one.

It tightens your scrotum. Salt!

Do you know that the people in Iceland, you know what they do? They jump out of

the hot water, they roll around in the snow, and they jump back in. It's

fantastic. Yeah, but Eddie, you're not going to do any of that. You're going to

sit in it, drink in it, and pee in it.

Let me do that.

But listen, I want to tell you something. I've got a surprise for you.

what I'm putting right next to the jacuzzi? Your own nude beach.

You know what I think of when I hear nude beach?

Sandy cracks.

She was always in the nurse's office because she was always chafing. Hey, do

know that legend has it she produced a pearl?

Say it.

Ta -ta.

Come on.

What the hell is that thing?

Wait, I'll get the gun. We have a gun? What? No, of course not. Hi, Mom.

Ecuador changed my life? Really?

Why? Is Doug dead?

No, he's in the RV.

Damn. Honey, come out and say hola.

Ta -da!

Oh, God.

Hey, Mommy, Dad.

Okay, all right.

Okay, take it easy. Look, you know what? Let's nip the familiarity thing in the

bud, okay? We're not your mom and dad.

This is Joy, and I'm Eddie.

Well, technically speaking...

You are now Doug's father -in -law.

Ellie and I are married.

I'm going to get me the vodka.

So anyway, there we were, standing in a clearing of the rainforests of Ecuador.

When the shaman... Shaman?

Not a rabbi? He just killed Nana.

Go ahead, Doug.

As I was saying, the shaman pronounced his soulmates forever.

Okay, all right, that's good.

So far, I don't hear anything legal or binding.

Well, not by the white man's law.

Doug, you are the white man.

Let me understand something.

Are you two married or not?

In our hearts and in our souls, yes, we are.

How about for tax purposes?

Well, no, but since we've rejected the entire socioeconomic system, the tax

is irrelevant to us. That's right. See, we don't really believe in money, Daddy.

They don't believe in money, Daddy.

That's going to come in real handy when you want to buy stuff.

No, no, my little tree frog.

Not our father's fault.

He's just a product of years of institutionalized brainwashing. Called

What a waste of time. Yeah. See, we no longer believe in school.

Excellent.

Doug, you were a teacher.

Yes, I admit. I drank the Kool -Aid.

Until Ecuador.

Is that anywhere near Ecuador?

As I was saying, it was in Ecuador that I realized school is

rotten with the white man's lies.

Okay, Doug, again, you are the white man, okay?

Any whiter, you'd be on Fox News.

Don't call him names.

He's a visionary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a visionary with a vision of his

own ass. Daddy!

Trying to be self -sufficient.

You know, no credit cards, no processed foods, no material goods. So, homeless.

Well, um, actually, we were hoping that we could park the RV in your backyard.

This puts a damper on the nude beach.

Well, not really, sir. Allie and I are nude most of the time. Hey, darling,

here. Come here, listen.

If I ever see your trouser flower, I'm going to snip it off like a rosebud.

Trouser flower?

Yes, your little penis fly trap.

Understood, sir.

Don't worry, Daddy. You won't even know we're here. We're going to be totally

self -sustaining. That's right. We're going to plant our own garden. Whoa,

whoa. See, when you say something like garden, that implies seeds and roots.

and harvesting, and that also implies you being here a very long time, which

impossible because this area has been designated as my jacuzzi oasis.

How long are you guys planning on staying?

Two years, Matt.

Two years?

Well, it'll take us that long after living in the jungle to be completely

of parasites.

Ironic, huh?

Come into our home. I will give you the grand tour.

Oh, God.

I hate my life.

Go ahead, take your shoes off, sir.

Or not.

Oh, this is nice, huh, Eddie?

Smells like Willie Nelson in here.

All I can see is down.

Oh, try getting on your knees, sir.

Or not.

Back up, Daddy. There's a skylight right behind you. Huh?

This is great. It's like I'm not even with you.

Yeah, it's tiny in here. I don't know why you're being so critical. The who

liked it. Which who?

The band or the who that Horton heard?

The band.

Come on, Mom, I'll show you around. Okay.

Let's have the grand tour.

Okay.

Move, Eddie.

I'm stuck. This thing wasn't made for a guy my size.

Neither was I.

The angel got its wings.

See,

we're trying to be as efficient as possible and leave a small carbon

And you're going to do that by traveling around the world in a giant gas

-guzzling bus.

Aha! Don't aha me, Doug, okay?

Sorry, sir, I was just going to make the point that this bus has been converted

to run on vegetable oil.

Ah!

It smells like French fries in here.

You know, I got to tell you, I swear, if Chanel made a perfume that smelled like

this, I would actually like the French.

You know what else is cool?

We recycle our own urine.

I'm about to recycle my own lunch.

All right, that's it.

Okay, all right.

Joy, butter my head and get me the hell out of here.

No, I mean, who would have thought that she would go live in the jungle with

this guy and instead of dumping the bum, she fake marries him? I don't know.

Well, at least we can maybe throw a window on the side of that thing and

tacos.

But we'd have to change the horn to... Okay,

go ahead.

Yeah,

but you know what? This is the problem. If she legally marries him, then we can

never shake the bum.

I can't understand how the Allie I know would hook up with some do -gooder freak

who eats tofu and gives a rat's ass about the environment.

I know. We raised her worse than that.

Maybe this is just a phase.

Did you remember when you used to believe in all that romantic love crap

you were her age?

Tell me about it.

Love at first sight.

You can't get pregnant the first time.

Soulmate.

Soulmates, yeah. Like, out of all the billion people on Earth, you're going to

be the one lucky son of a bitch to find your one and only.

Like I did.

You think I'm one in a billion?

That's what you took from all of that?

Honey, listen, absolutely. I mean, I feel that I am the luckiest guy.

In the room.

Let me in.

Okay, come on.

Come on over here. Oh, Big Red, come here. Put that paw around me.

You know what?

Maybe it was just a phase.

Remember when Allie was a little girl and she thought she was a pony and I had

to strap her breakfast to her face?

And we made all that money giving horsey rides to the kids in the neighborhood.

Hey, make me feel a little better and put a french fry in my mouth.

Now, when you say french fry, you mean... I mean french fry. Okay, coming

And there you go.

See that?

Food is love, right?

Hey, Joy Joy, this is how we do it. We win her back with food.

Yeah, well, we cook up all the stuff that she loves to eat, we put it in a

bucket, and we strap it to her face.

That could actually work. That could absolutely work.

And now, Joy Joy, get ready for the debut of my evil scientist laugh.

they did.

Take the gun.

Don't need it.

More noise.

Nay, nay.

Wow, it smells great in here.

Honey, check it out.

Ta -da!

Apples and fried chicken.

Allie's favorite.

Oh, God.

Chicken.

You didn't.

Honey, of course not. This is store -bought yard bird right here. I gave the

idiot's rooster to the guy who works at the bakery. He has to be up at five in

the morning. And now he has his very own alarm cock.

Alarm cock, everybody.

I love you.

I think something bad happened to Mr. Sunrise.

Do you think he met with foul play?

Allie, there's nothing funny about this.

He was the best man at our wedding.

I shared a confined space with that rooster all the way from Ecuador. He was

your friend. I'm not going to miss a little cluck. It's just the matter of

disappearance that has me disturbed.

I mean, your father was holding a trash bag with something in it that looked an

awful lot like there was a rooster there.

Allie?

Allie? What's going on?

Hey, what smells so good?

Hey, honey, I'm cooking a waffle.

Help yourself.

Don't be ridiculous, Eddie. They eat organic food. This has processed flour

trans fats.

Ooh, trans fats.

I'm too glad you don't eat stuff like this anymore because it's delicious.

Oh, I eat stuff like this. I don't know. Not now that you're Mrs. What's -His

-Face.

It's poison. Would you try your body to the point where it can metabolize

acorns?

Yeah, you know, he's right, honey. You've lived a very pure lifestyle. I

you don't want to ruin it now with a beautiful, syrupy, warm waffle, do you?

Oh, syrupy, warm waffle.

But you know what? If you're hungry, you can go across the street and munch on

that oak tree.

Yes? Would you like whipped cream on your waffles?

Now, when you say waffles, do you... I mean waffles. Okay, well... I don't know

what's gotten into you. Have you forgotten the vows that we made in

Well, they were in Spanish, so I never really knew what they meant.

Yeah, well, I didn't either, but I assume that they meant that our love is

beautiful and pure.

Our love is beautiful, Doug, but our lives have changed. We're not in the

anymore.

Is that why you stopped wearing the banana leaf thong?

No, uh, remember those tamales that I made the other day?

That's what I wrapped them in.

So, uh, you're not wearing any underwear.

That's what you took from that?

Doug, I want to live like a normal person.

Allie, I was afraid of this.

The Ecuadorian druid said you'd return to your old lifestyle and be seduced

from me. They also said that the Earth is a giant turtle egg waiting to hatch

through the druid. Oh, oh, nice.

Allie, screw the druid. You kiss your mother with that mouth? I'd rather shove

cheeseburger in it.

All right, you know what?

I don't even know you anymore.

I'm going to be alone in the other room.

How did our little girl end up living in a FEMA trailer with a putz?

how it works, honey. Sometimes you just gotta let your kids go and hope they

don't come back smelling like strangers.

So what's our plan?

Plan? Why do we always have to have a plan?

What, do you think we're living in a sitcom?

Not this week, I don't.

You know why?

Because I have a question.

A very frightening, not funny question, Joy. You want to hear it?

Not funny is your specialty.

Thank you.

What if he's really in love with her, or worse, she's really in love with him,

and what if they are, and I'm vomiting a little just saying this, happy

together?

What a horrible thought.

Hey, guys.

Ooh, is that bacon? What's going on here?

Oh, just having some breakfast.

Oh, I love bacon. Is that real bacon?

Uh -huh.

Bacon, bacon?

Uh -huh. Big candy?

Yeah, Daddy.

I thought you guys weren't eating that stuff anymore.

Well, I'm not, but Allie enjoys it.

What? I thought you were dead set against her eating like a human being.

Oh, he was. In fact, Doug and I had a giant fight last night. But then we made

up. Yeah, pretty much all night. Okay.

and Kama Sutra, and then we busted out the webcam.

All right, we're done. Let's get back to the bacon.

Please. Oh, okay. We came to a compromise.

That's right.

See, we realized that our love is big enough to contain my deeply held beliefs

as well as Allie's need for pork and cable TV.

I see. And how did you come up with this amazing realization?

Well, actually, because of you two.

That's right.

See, we realized that you two love each other, and...

You guys aren't really like each other. In fact, it's like you're from two

different planets.

If I hear the word Uranus, it's your ass.

I think it's pronounced Uranus, sir.

Is that how they say it in Ecuador?

all your differences in spite of all, you know, the slamming doors and broken

lamps and screaming fights and knock -down, drag -out drunken brawls and

ignoring the fact that the first word that I ever learned still can't be said

network television, you guys remain together and appear to be happy. So we

figure that if we can do half as well as you two have done, we'll be a six -up.

Congratulations, Joy. We've lowered the bar.

Are you happy, sweetie?

Yes, Mom.

You hear that, Eddie? Yeah. She's happy.

Yeah. Well, my girls are happy. I'm happy.

I guess we're just one happy family.

Does this mean that you accept me as part of the family?

Yes.

I accept you in the same way I accept my septic tank as part of the house.

What you doing, babe?

I'm just saying goodbye to the jacuzzi, the nude beach, and our property value.

Come on, Eddie. It's not the end of the world.

Our little girl's in love.

No reason we all can't get along.

Too early to start drinking? Nope.

Is that bacon?

Uh -huh. Real bacon?

Uh -huh. Pig candy?

Yes, Daddy.

Wow.

I didn't say bacon -bacon before.

Really? Well, you should say it, because it's good.

Whoa, I'm in the crack.

Two years? Wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to say, how long are you planning on staying? Oh, okay. Well,

got to let us know, for God's sake.

This is make -believe. We're doing make -believe.