Original subtitles

Night, Joy.

Night.

Here, are you okay?

Listen. Okay, listen. Joy, Joy.

I want to... I want to talk to you about something. And I just want you to just

have an open mind.

Just... What do you think about separate beds?

Don't keep me, Eddie.

Okay, I'm sorry. You're right. No, don't be sorry.

It's a fantastic idea. I could read, I could watch my movies and pee. And I

could do my crossword puzzles without the song of the wildebeest, right?

You could sweat, shed, mold, do your worst. It won't even bother me.

Okay, there you go. Wow.

You're a genius.

I am a genius, aren't I?

It's a good idea. It's a good idea.

Separate beds.

Separate beds.

We'll go shopping soon.

Tomorrow.

You're Eddie Stark.

Guilty. I guess my reputation precedes me.

Your history.

Why? What have you heard?

Oh, no,

you teach history.

Yes, I don't believe we've met.

Really? Huh. I'm Carol Duffy.

I'm the new principal.

You're the new principal? Well, you're a little bit too pretty to be a

principal. I kind of pegged you for a secretary.

Secretary of State. You know, big -time secretary with her own secretary.

Well, I'm going to be making a lot of changes around here.

Well, Carol, I'm looking forward to working with you.

Oh, you'll be working for me. And it's Miss Duffy.

It's beautiful.

Hello, gorgeous.

This is fantastic.

Hooray! Hooray!

Look at me!

Look at me!

It's Joey's bed. Joey's little tiny bed.

Happy bed.

It's good. It's good, honey. Enjoy it. Because it doesn't bother me at all over

here. This is my gosh. We should have done this 20 years ago.

We could have avoided marriage altogether.

Well,

honey, hindsight is 20 -20, huh?

That's why I spent half of my life with you. It has been good, hasn't it?

Nothing to compare it to, but absolutely.

I'm sure.

Coming over for a visit? Come on over.

Just for a while.

You know, at this point, you could have traded me in for two 20 -year -olds.

Honey, I would only trade you in for three 20 -year -olds and a disease to be

named at a later date.

Mama's back.

Go, Mama.

Look at this.

This is amazing.

I knew it. I knew it.

I mean, look at this. Look at you. You're lying over there with your shoes

your pillow.

And it doesn't even bother me. Not at all.

You know the best part about it?

I can't even hear you.

Unfortunately, that goes both ways.

What does that smell?

Oh, I know what it is.

It's not your ass.

What do you think of that, Eddie?

Eddie?

Just the man I want to see.

Principal Duffy, how may I be of service to you?

Service to me. I like that.

Anyway, you have second period free?

Yes, that's true. I use that time to cogitate and plan my next assault on

ignorance.

Well, you can stop that.

I have some administrative responsibilities I need taken care of.

the yearbook... Needs an editor.

Oh, no, no, not the yearbook. See, I would just end up writing that myself

because these students are just way too stupid to do it.

Well,

you are.

You know, think of it as an assault on ignorance.

You have made me so happy.

Thank you.

I was talking to them.

Sweetie, listen, could I ask you something?

Would you mind making your bed tomorrow?

You know, actually, I would.

See, this is the thing.

It's a concept that doesn't work for me. I mean, why make your bed to only

unmake it?

You got a point there. On second thought, it makes my bed look better.

There you go. See, now you win the beautiful bed contest.

Could you vacuum it once in a while?

No, and I'll tell you why.

The other night, I woke up at like 3 in the morning.

And I found a little piece of cheese under my pillow.

And it felt like a Christmas mouse.

Just so you know, I'm not going to clean it.

Well, look, honey.

No,

and you have to look at our beds like they're two different islands. You

understand? See, you're like Trinidad, and I'm like Tobago.

And I think we all know that Tobago's filthy.

coming in an hour early.

I need you to do the school blog.

Wait a minute.

I don't blog, honey.

Oh, well, you do now.

And don't call me honey, honey.

See, I can do it. Want to know why?

Because you're my bitch.

Goodbye, Joey.

I mean, I'm sorry. Good night, honey.

Okay, tonight your assignment is to write a report on why all assassins have

three names.

And for extra credit, explain the anomaly of Sirhan Sirhan.

Miss Duffy, I didn't notice you there.

Well, it's not the first time.

I beg your pardon?

You really don't remember me, do you, you giant, festering turd?

Festering turd with tenure.

I was a student of yours, and the only time you ever paid any attention to me

was the day that you turned my life into hell.

You're going to have to be more specific.

You read my paper to the class, and then you mocked me.

Again, you're going to have to be more specific.

You called me ignorant, illiterate, and then you branded me with the nickname...

Dimble Duffy. Oh, my. All right. All right. That explains a lot. Wow.

Catch me up. What have you been up to, Dimble?

became a series of loveless relationships and self -destructive

culminating in such self -loathing i spent two years in houston at jiggles

gentlemen's club working a pole really sounds fun

it wasn't fun and it wasn't a club and there were no gentlemen in it

yeah and that It led to more therapy and a tremendous weight gain. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Then when I finally put my life back together and I was feeling pretty good

about myself, I decided to attend my 10 -year class reunion.

I walked in, and they handed me my name tag, and there it was.

I think that that's really a tribute to my nicknaming abilities, if you had to

go through that. I mean, imagine what Horseface Johnson's going through right

now.

Oh, you, you have destroyed a lot of lives, Mr.

Stark. I threw myself into my work, and eventually... I

achieved the position that I am in today solely so

I could redress all... of your injustices for everybody. For the dim

the horse faces and the fat asses. Oh, fat ass.

I almost forgot about Wilson.

She was huge.

Yeah, yeah, she was. And now she's dead.

She threw herself out a window.

Oh, my. I'm very sorry. Must have been a big window.

on a baby carriage.

Yeah, well, more food for us, right?

Mommy.

Judgment day has come, Mr.

Stark. And I, I am going to send you to hell.

My boat.

Oh, my God, I remember when that was in the paper, the pancake baby.

That ass Wilson caused that? Unbelievable.

I know, right?

So that's why this Miss Duffy has been piling work on you?

Yeah, you see, because she says I inadvertently scarred her for life. I

who knew I had such a talent with giving people demeaning nicknames?

You don't have a demeaning nickname for me, do you? Of course not, chesticles.

with this Franken -Jew?

Oh, boy.

Look at that, huh?

Yeah. I am loving this wall of trees.

It's fantastic.

We have our own areas separated by a rainforest.

Okay. All right. Let's try it out.

article that the sound of water is conducive to sleep.

Apparently it's better than Xanax.

Oh, so you're going to stop taking your Xanax? Are you kidding me?

I'm going to take the Xanax and have a waterfall.

It's like a sleep speedball.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Well, it's crossing the barrier here. It's wafting into my area.

Your smell's been wafting my way for 23 years. It's been like sleeping in the

freaking monkey house.

All right. Well, what's fair is fair. Good night.

Good night.

Hi, may I speak with you for a moment?

Did you find your new parking space?

Yeah, yeah, I did. I just got off the shuttle bus.

Yeah, I did the parking space recon myself.

That's gang territory, so don't wear red.

Or blue.

Listen, uh, I was thinking about your story, Duffy.

And you've come to apologize, and I can tell you right now...

It won't be accepted.

No, actually, I haven't come to apologize.

On the contrary, I think you owe me a debt of gratitude.

I have a gun in my drawer.

You want to borrow it? I may need it to get back to my car.

I'm sorry, but how do you figure I owe you anything?

Okay, listen, I am the engine.

that drove you to your success.

I am the wind beneath your wings.

If it wasn't for me, Duffy, you'd be back on that pole in Houston.

Because of you, I was on that pole in Houston.

All right, look, let's not get bogged down in some crazy Terminator logic,

The point is, if I didn't call you Dimble, you wouldn't be the success you

today. Well, I see your point, and I reject it. Well, the only reason... If

you...

If you have even the most remote notion that you're just going to talk yourself

out of a lifetime of smoldering hatred, you are sadly mistaken, you

enormous dork.

The nickname thing isn't that easy, is it?

What's that?

My nightgown.

What is this, a signal like one if I land, two if I see?

No, I just decided to sleep naked.

Naked?

Yep.

Naked naked?

Yeah.

Honey, you haven't been naked naked in 19 and a half years.

I only take out enough to win.

Jeez, Eddie, you're like King Kong coming through the jungle there.

Don't scare me like that.

Are you afraid, little girl?

All right, what are you doing?

I'm just looking, hi.

Nice canopy.

Wow, this is kind of like the little princess room at the Mustang Ranch.

I imagine.

If you don't mind, I would like to go to sleep now. Well, that's good. That

would only enhance my plans.

It's a naked thing, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Yeah? Yeah.

I'm not so sure that your cholesterol -laden heart could handle all of this.

Oh, well, don't worry about that. I'm ready to take the risk. I mean, after

I've got nothing to live for.

All right.

Take a look.

You like?

Me like.

Honey, you're like an old song being covered by a hot new group.

Hop in.

Yeah? Yeah.

Hop in. Oh, okay. Okay, not there. Okay.

Okay, right there.

There.

What are those, your keys?

Let's stay here. I'm halfway finished.

So you want to pull them apart now?

Are you talking about the beds?

I did miss this.

Oh, me too.

I like sleeping with you.

Me too.

I mean, I like sleeping with you.

And me.

You know.

Together.

Sleeping.

Just the two of us. Okay, I got it.

You know, maybe we should get another bed.

They have this kind where you can actually work each side individually.

firmness, the heat, the elevation. It's like two separate beds, but they're

together. Why don't we get one of those?

Do I get to keep my canopy?

Do I get to keep my poster?

We'll get another bed.

Honey, I'm having too much fun.

Okay, wait for it. Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it. And laugh.

You're cute.

You're annoying, but you're cute.

All right, now listen. The bed heats up and massages. So you start the foreplay.

I'm going to run downstairs and make a sandwich. And then I'm going to come

to close the deal. Okay?

you'll get it right.