Original subtitles

Every time I zig you zag, I like coffee and tease your bag.

Though it makes no sense, it's true, there's no me without you.

Till death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

It's Kenny.

Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay. It's an ungodly sound coming from your damn

Was I snoring?

Snoring is human.

This sounded like a ferret and a weasel making love. Real angry.

Angry and violent. Like the weasel stuff with the ferret. roommate or something

kenny you can't come barging in here like that it's 2 a .m how do you know i

wasn't naked please with the shirts you wear i've seen your bosom more often

than i've seen my cousin jimmy me and jimmy are super tight well maybe you can

pack your super suitcase and move in with your cousin super tight jimmy super

tight jimmy's got a super serious girlfriend and she's super mean

Well, maybe you have to have a super serious conversation. Stop it! That's

enough!

One super swing of this bat and I can take you both out.

You using that fabric softener?

Yeah, why?

Because I hated it. It smells like I'm wearing a baby.

What's the problem, this man? You're not getting enough quality sleep.

Oh, you think?

Could it possibly be that I was visited last night by a 40 -year -old black

sleep fairy?

Why don't you turn this racial, man?

Kenny's right, Eddie. You're like this every morning.

You never get a good night's sleep because you're always snoring.

That's probably why everybody thinks you're a big jerk.

What do you mean?

You know, nobody likes you.

What are you talking about?

Your awful personality.

This can't be news to you.

Oh, come on. That is crazy.

People love me.

Huh?

Hey, Raj.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Come on. Come on in.

Come on, Raj.

Raj likes me. You see, he's always... Always bringing me stuff, asking me for

autograph. You like me, don't you, Raj?

I'd like you to sign for the package.

But we're buds, right?

No.

The truth is no one wants to deliver to you, but Brenda can do three more push

-ups than I can.

You smell like a baby.

See, even Raj doesn't like you.

It's because you're so cranky. You should go to a sleep clinic.

Hey, that's a good idea. Let them tell you what you're doing wrong.

What I'm doing wrong sleeping?

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You don't like what I'm doing in bed even when I'm unconscious?

I just want you to be the best you can be.

You know what? You're a nice kid, but you have to realize I'm not going to be

getting any better. The clay is dry.

is finished with me.

This is a serious health issue, man. It's called sleep apnea. You stop

in your sleep.

You don't even know what you're talking about.

What am I talking about? That noise you make at night?

That's not called breathing.

We booked on the seniors' cruise?

Yeah. About yay high, matching tracksuits. His breasts were bigger than

Well, it turns out that the cruise wasn't for senior citizens. It was for

seniors in high school.

They spent a week at sea with 2 ,000 drunken, horny teenagers.

They have an awesome time?

They're suing us, and they're naming you as the person responsible.

Well, wait. I didn't book this cruise. Stu did. Oh, come on, Joy. At the end of

the day, who really knows who's responsible?

I do. You are.

Unfortunately, Joy here is supervisor, so technically you're responsible for

anything that he does, no matter how big an idiot he is.

Thank you, Beth.

I can't believe this. Well, believe it. Your deposition's on Friday.

Bummer. Somebody's going to lady prison.

Hey, look at me.

I will wait for you.

Hello, Clarice.

I can smell you standing there on your 99 -cent shoes.

Hello, Mr.

Stark. My name's Sandy.

Hi. Welcome to Grabowski Institute of Sleep Technology.

Oh, so is this the place where they knock you out and harvest your organs?

Oh, no.

Take off your shirt.

I'm going to hook these electrodes up to your body.

Okay, so you're a doctor, are you, Sandy?

Oh, God, no.

I'm in college.

Oh, pre -med?

Jewelry design.

Life -saving jewelry design, or?

Oh, no, mostly just beads and stuff.

But don't worry, I've been fully trained.

Well, except in CPR.

So don't go a -choking.

Okay. It's alive!

See, that's from Frankenstein.

Wow, you are so hairy.

Thank you. And your nipples are way bigger than my boyfriend's.

You should see him at Christmas.

You usually sleep on your back, stomach, or thighs?

Well, actually, all three. I'm like a rotisserie chicken.

Oh, I get it. Because they go around and around.

You don't make me feel safe.

Grandmother?

It's Sandy.

Can you sleep on your side, please?

Sure.

Where are you?

I'm in an observation room nearby.

So you can see me?

Yes.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Two. Two.

Everyone guesses two.

How about now?

So the camera's been on the whole time?

Yes, it has.

So you saw when I... Yes, I did, sir.

So, how'd it go? Good.

Yeah? No.

It was terrifying, humiliating, cold, and I wept on camera.

Did they at least figure out what's wrong with you? They did, honey. Yes,

did. They collected all the data and they gave it to a group of German

scientists who then took the information, put it into a computer that

powerful it had the ability to love.

And they found the solution to my problem.

What is that, a nasal strip?

The Nose Be Open Plus with aloe.

$500 consultation for a 25 -cent piece of tape.

You think it'll work? No, I do not think it will work.

Whoa.

What?

Nothing. Just look really, really pretty right now.

For your information, I didn't sleep all night. I've got a throbbing headache.

I'd just like to sit here and eat my breakfast empty.

Good morning, Vietnam!

And a kiss for my beautiful wife.

And a socially progressive man kiss for my bald -headed housemate.

What's going on with you, man?

I'll tell you what's going on with me, man.

This little strip right here. This little magical strip that has given me a

sleep so deep, so rejuvenating, that for the first time in my life, I feel...

Well, good.

A little something the kids call jogging.

I'm going to go for an hour or a mile, whichever comes first.

You're jogging now?

Yep. I'm telling you, Joy, this sleep I've been getting, it's given me this

whole new energy and even patience. And now I'm becoming a people person.

I was actually in line at the market. I turned around to the guy next to me. I

go, hello.

Honey,

I'm sorry. I just had such a rough week.

Oh, listen, honey, I totally understand.

You know what you need, Julie? You need a good night's sleep. I am telling you,

with sleep, you can do anything, even fly. I believe that.

Listen, Eddie, here's the thing. Yeah.

I... I can't sleep without your snoring. I actually need

you to snore so that I can sleep. It's so strange.

That is strange. Strange indeed.

I was wondering if, and I hate to ask it, sweetie.

This is what I was... Could you stop it for a second, please? Okay, okay.

Okay, so I need to testify with this lawsuit thing tomorrow, and I don't want

be a complete zombie.

So I was wondering if maybe you would just take the strip off for just one

night.

Yeah, that doesn't work for me.

What?

Why not?

Joy, look.

Look, you said so yourself. My snoring is so bad that I stop breathing.

No breathing, no air.

No air, no life. No life.

No Eddie.

Wait, no. Come on. Come on, baby.

Come on.

I'm addicted to your snoring, baby.

I don't need you to do it all night. I just need one little taste, please. Joy

Joy needs to get well.

Okay, bring it down, Winehouse.

I'll tell you what I'll do. With my newfound energy, I will come back here

later, and I will make love to you for an extra three to seven minutes.

If that doesn't put you to sleep, you're on your own, because I'll be out like a

light. Okay.

Now, Mrs. Putnam, do you recall who booked you and your husband?

on a cruise with 2 ,000 graduating high school seniors?

Ha!

Are we done?

No?

Please let the record show that Mrs. Putnam indicated travel agent Joy Stark.

Now, if you could, Mrs. Putnam, please tell us what happened on the cruise ship

the afternoon of August 9th.

Well... Murray and I went down to the pool that day, determined to make the

of a bad situation.

When we arrived, there were young people cavorting and playing sports games.

And then what happened?

Well, we got into the water, and that's when the young men started hitting me

with their balls.

Mrs. Putnam, continue.

It was terrifying.

Everywhere I looked, it was balls, balls, balls.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that sounds horrifying.

Please, come on.

I tried to hide under the water, but every time I came up for air, balls

hit me in the face.

Balls hit me in the face, too.

All

right,

go. The truth is, Stu, we're going to lose.

All right. Well, the good news is we're travel agents. We could be in Hawaii

before the cops even know we're gone.

Aloha legal woos.

Stu. you do know that Hawaii is part of the United States.

I did not.

What the hell am I going to do?

Well, you better get it together because it's your turn to testify tomorrow.

Yeah? Well, I'm screwed then because I can't sleep without Eddie snoring. I

asked him to take the little strip off and he refuses.

He's never been so happy.

He's never been so happy?

Good for him. Here's what you do.

You wait for him to fall asleep, you rip the strip off his fat face, stuff a

hand towel down his pie hole, and let his death gasps lull you to sleep.

Beth, I'm not sure how it worked in your three marriages, your four marriages,

but I could never do something like that.

You did it.

I did.

What kind of a woman are you? What kind of a woman? I will tell you what kind of

woman I am. I am the exhausted kind.

I am the kind who asks you very nicely to take that stupid thing off for just

one night and you wouldn't because you're so afraid to die.

Could die.

Oh, shut up about dying.

You are not afraid of dying. You just wouldn't give up your precious nasal

because it made you feel so good. Let me guess, you have Tai Chi in the morning?

No, I have Pilates.

You are so selfish.

All you care about is you feeling good. Yeah, so what if I do? You had 20 years

of sleep of good because of my snoring. So now it's my turn to feel nice and

pleasant. So go to hell!

Please. Eddie, the only reason why you feel so good is because I convinced you

to go to that stupid sleep clinic in the first place because I actually care

about you. Yeah, you care until it interferes with your happiness.

And then you're counting sheep while Daddy struggles for air.

All right.

Fine.

It's true.

When it came down to you feeling good or me, I chose me.

I'm a terrible person.

I mean, I'm addicted to your snoring. I literally cannot live without you.

And that makes me sad.

But where does that leave us now?

What, are we going to be one of those couples who sleep in separate bedrooms

have their own TVs and a little mini fridge and sit there smoking my

cigars?

A couple times a month, you tiptoe in there and give me the old... We're not

doing that.

You're right. I don't want that either.

So what are we going to do, huh?

I mean, you can't sleep without your strip.

And I can't sleep without your snoring.

Cousin Jimmy, here I come.