Original subtitles

Time I lick you's eye, I like coffee, tease your bag.

Go and make no sense, it's true, there's no me without you.

Till Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Look at that, boink!

Hey, you said you had a date tonight, I didn't know you meant a play date.

This girl Julie, I'm sure she has a deadline at work.

And her baby said to quit, so I told her I'll watch her boys.

Well, I feel like a minority in my own house.

Now I know how Brad Pitt feels.

This is Chung Ho Chung Hee, and what's your name again?

Ernie.

Well, I don't know if you guys are old enough to have a favorite place on the

couch, but I am, so scooch.

I hope we brought enough food for everybody because these kids are

there's a pizza in the freezer.

Oh, there was pizza. He sniffed that thing out and ate it frozen.

Would you kids like to split a curly fry?

Kenny?

I'll take care of it.

Put that stuff in the kitchen, boys.

Honey, I've been saying that for 23 years of our marriage. Always... What

hell is that?

What? What's wrong with it? Well, nothing, but you're using all the

you're leaving something to the imagination.

I want to look nice.

I'm going out with my new friend, Eileen.

You know, the one I met at the museum.

Museum? Yeah, it was raining. I went in to steal an umbrella.

I like museums. They got those guards with those big furry hats.

Try to make them laugh, they won't laugh.

That's Buckingham Palace.

Oh.

Then I've never been to a museum before.

Anyway, she is smart and she's cool and she's classy, so here's what I need you

to do. Joy, relax.

I make a great first impression.

Of course you do.

Listen, Kenny, if I introduce you as my husband, just go with it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I need some backstory. I mean, how do your parents

about us?

Are they cool with me even though our love is taboo?

You know what? Never mind.

I'll just go with freak number one.

Hey, Julie. Oh, you look great.

Thank you. And cute house.

Thank you.

Yeah, 300 more payments and it's half hours.

Eileen, this is our friend Kenny.

Hi, Kenny. Who is that?

And this is my husband, Eddie.

Hi, Eddie.

Hi, Eddie.

I'm Eddie.

You're Eileen. Hi, Eileen.

From Eddie.

With care.

Okay, we're going to get going.

Nice job, by the way.

What's going on with you?

Oh, boy.

Okay, this is bad. This is so, so bad.

Yeah. How did a simple hello go so wrong?

I know Eileen. I dated Eileen.

Isn't Eileen the girl who just left here? Yes, yes. We used to go out.

No, no, no, no, no. The girl who just left here.

The one that's not your wife. Yes.

Yes, I dated her before I met Joy for like two months.

Did she lose a ton of weight?

No.

Were you rich back then?

Are you done?

Yes.

Green card?

I'm thanking you.

What am I going to do? I just got to tell Joy.

But then again, if she never finds out, I just opened up a can of worms for

nothing. Don't tell her. Lock it up.

Yeah, but if I don't tell her and then she finds out, then it looks like I was

hiding something.

Spill the beans.

Shut up on the rooftops.

You just can't agree with everything I'm saying.

You have to come up with... I need an honest opinion.

In my honest opinion, I don't believe you ever slept with that girl.

How did your big night out on the town go?

Oh, so great.

Do you know how amazing Eileen is? I do. I mean, I can imagine how cool I do.

Why don't you tell me? We spent the entire evening talking about art and

and literature, and I only had to pretend like I knew what she was talking

like 30 % of the time.

And they said drinking your way through junior college wouldn't pay off.

I know, right?

We just had the best time. Ah, terrific.

Did my name come up? Yeah.

It was kind of funny. We were at the bar, and this guy was hitting on me, and

told him I was married, and he asked me your name.

I'm totally blanked.

Listen, honey, I have to tell you something, and I don't want to hurt you.

Well, maybe I want to hurt you a little.

Honey, Eileen and I used to go out.

What? Yeah, we used to date.

Date?

You mean like dinner and a movie date?

More like dinner and a movie and your dog seems upset that I'm doing this to

date.

And I'll have the... All the stuff she just said.

And fries.

So... So... What did you want to talk to me about?

Well, Eileen, it's kind of awkward.

It's about Eddie.

I don't know quite how to say this. It's about me and Eddie dating.

Yes. Oh, thank God.

I really wanted to say something to you about it the other night, but I just...

I didn't think it was my place. No, it's no big deal.

I just... I didn't want things to be weird between us. Oh, no, no, no, no. Of

course not. I mean, it was so long ago. And, you know, I mean, even though he

broke my heart, it was... He broke your heart?

Oh, yeah.

I was... devastated when he ended it.

Really?

Devastated with relief?

No, no, no. I was crushed.

I mean, I don't have to tell you what an amazing, passionate, sensitive man your

husband is. Tell me.

Well, I mean, obviously, he's just so sexy.

Obviously.

And, oh, he had those amazing, Big hands. They were almost like guns.

hands?

Yeah, right?

Oh, and I remember, he used to wear this really sexy shark tooth choker.

Yeah, that's in a box in the attic labeled, do not open unless you're Don

Johnson.

So funny. Oh, that reminds me. Did he still flick his hair back like Pat

No, he stopped after staining his third lazy boy.

Thank you.

Yeah, he's just such a regular guy, you know?

Manly, no pretensions. Oh, and so funny. Does he still do all this hilarious

impression?

He does impressions.

He always had me laughing.

Except when I wasn't laughing.

I'm sorry. Is that inappropriate?

No, it's fascinating.

Hang on.

How was your lunch?

I got Russian dressing running down

my chin.

Leave it. It's manly and unpretentious.

Yeah, but it's mixing in with my neck sweat.

Take me to bed, you big, sexy, circus freak. What are you doing?

For after.

Looks like somebody had the oysters.

That's right.

Joke it up, funny man. Mama lied.

How

many

of these do I have to eat before they consider it stealing?

One, sir.

In that case, I'm two grand deep in the nut bin.

Chung -hee, do not put that in your mouth. I am not playing. Think I'm

Because I'm not.

Don't test me.

Do not test me!

All right, that's it. You guys just lost video games for the rest of the day.

Hey, Eddie, what's up, man?

Hey, looks like you got your hands full, huh?

Yeah, you really start to see yourself in them, you know?

It's uncanny.

What are you doing in the supermarket?

Just a little shopping. I'm going to be cooking dinner tonight for my ladies,

Joy and Eileen.

Oh, so Joy never found out about you two. She did find out. And guess what?

Turns out that Eileen really never got over me.

Eileen, the hot girl is at your house. Yes.

And every time they're hanging out, she always tells Joy about all the things

she used to love about me. Gets Joy all pumped up, she comes home and rocks my

world. Oh, so because another woman thinks you're cool, now Joy's seeing you

a whole new light.

Exactly. Last night we did it face to face, eyes open, no alcohol.

Take your coat. Oh, thank you.

Just put him right there in his big paws.

Thank you.

Why don't I tell Joy you're here, or maybe I'll have Herman Munster tell her.

Joy, kids, Grandpa.

Eileen's here.

I'm in her two seconds. He's already got me laughing.

Oh, that's my Eddie.

Hey, do another one. Do, um, do Al Pacino. No, no, I don't want to show.

Don't tell you what to do in my own house. Let her know.

Let her know, cockroach.

Joy, thank you for having me over and for sharing your husband with me for a

night. Don't forget, I'm taking him back in the morning.

Okay, you know what I'm going to do? Make yourself comfortable. Please, both

you. I'm going to go into the kitchen and whip up some Brandy Alexanders and

we're going to get this party started.

I want soda.

Yeah, I told you boys, no drinks until after the movie.

Because when I go to the bathroom, I don't need someone to go with me to help

take my pants off.

Mommy!

Julie, what are you doing here?

What you all working?

Who's this guy?

That's Mommy's boyfriend.

So that was Mommy's boyfriend.

Hey, hey, I'm Rick.

What's going on, Julie?

I'm sorry, Kenny.

What does this guy have that I don't have?

Besides great looks, awesome clothes, and a...

If it makes you feel any better, you've been doing a great job.

And the kids just love you.

Yeah, he was going to take us to go see Death Troopers 4.

You were going to take them to see a PD -13 movie?

You are in no position to be questioning my parenting skills right now.

This is over. That's it.

Practice your piano.

You stop setting things on fire.

And you drink this whole soda and make Rick take you to the bathroom.

That is why the giraffe said, the high balls are on me.

All right. Oh, my, my, my.

This is just like old times. Well, actually, it is like old times because

three of us have never been together before, so it's kind of like too old

woven into one very special new tie.

Here's the special new tie.

Perfect. Hey, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I don't want to embarrass anybody

here, but, um, I brought pictures.

No!

No!

Come on, sister.

Here's that.

parachute to make those pants.

Wait, I have some Eddie pictures of my own. No, no, no, do not, young lady, do

not bring out that flowered photo album. Not the flowered one.

You're not bringing it. Do not bring it. I will kill you. I will kill you if you

open it.

I have one with a mullet, mutton chops, and a biker jacket. No.

Oh,

you didn't.

Oh, no.

I always wanted to be in a motorcycle gang, but it really wasn't a gang.

It was more like a club. It was me and two dentists, okay?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, hang on.

Here's one of Eddie in an REO Speedwagon t -shirt.

That was a gag. That was not my shirt.

Here's him in a different REO Speedwagon t -shirt at an REO Speedwagon concert.

I'm not going to lie. I love the wagon.

I think that concert was the last date we ever went on. Really?

I remember you broke up with me right when we got back into the car. And then

took us like 90 minutes to get out of the parking lot. Yes, yes, yes. I

remember. And they were playing all those breakup songs on the radio. Oh,

torture. Yeah.

Oh, it was totally brutal.

Oh, it was brutal. That was the craziest breakup I've ever had. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God, I feel horrible.

Oh, please, no.

I'm sure the whole thing was my fault. Can I be honest? It was nothing that you

did, you know? And it was kind of meant to be we were broken up because then I

found my girl and I ended up with the love of my life. Lucky man. And anyway,

you were way out of my league. Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.

No, no, really.

I mean, look at you, look at me.

You know?

All I was thinking is, how can I spend the rest of my life walking down the

street with everybody going, you know, what the hell happened there?

What, Eddie?

No, that is not true.

No, seriously.

It is not. Am I right? I mean, we are like two different galaxies, me and her.

No, Eddie, stop.

No, it's like, see, you're the girl I get in the movies, you see? But in real

life, I probably end up with someone like, I don't know. Me?

Exactly.

And that's why real life is better than the movies.

The end.

Who's up for charades?

Uh, everything's cleaned up down there.

Did the dishes, put everything away.

Good luck finding your salad tongs, because Lord knows what drawer I put

in.

Oh, men are so stupid.

Hey, what a night, huh?

Boy, those Brandy Alexanders, they sure make you say things you don't mean, huh?

Am I right?

Honey, you seem a little tense. How about a shoulder massage from Mr. Big

That's it.

Maybe Herman Munster could give you a massage.

Rub -a -dub -dub -a -lay.

It's all right if it's not working for you. So, just a...

Just tell me where I am here. Is this go sleep on the couch bed, or should I be

looking for a corporate apartment down by the airport?

You do what you want to do.

Joy, honey, look, I'm sorry about what I said. I was just trying to make

Eileen feel better.

Believe it or not, it was the first time that I ever had to give a woman a sorry

I broke your heart speech.

I once had to give a woman a sorry I broke your foot speech, but that was...

Let me tell you something, pal.

I am way out of your league.

Absolutely. I mean, I could have had a million guys that were better than you.

Two million. Okay? And when we walk down the street, people look at us and they

say, what the hell happened there?

That's right. I am down here and you are way up here.

I mean, I'm the classy one. I love the opera. I like fine wines.

I like museums.

I am sophisticated.

I am married to the freaking Queen of England right here.

Yes.

Who the hell am I kidding?

I don't like any of that stuff.

Eileen's way out of my league. No, she is not.

Honey, I met the woman stealing an umbrella.

That's because you're crafty. See?

Okay, look, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you rather be,

classy or crafty?

Honey, crafty is not good. When you walk down the street, guys don't say, hey,

check out that girl. She's crafty.

Let me explain something to you. I didn't want a woman who was

classy.

I wanted you.

I love that we season pass cops.

I love how at best you can only name 20 states.

I love how we pretend we're in an argument when we go to the supermarket

don't have to register to vote.

I love those things too.

And you know what?

Eileen wishes she had something that we have.

What do we have?

Each other.

Yeah. So, we good?

Because I was lying about the kitchen. It's a mess down there.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing much.

How's the family?

In turmoil.

What's the matter?

Well, I went to the movies tonight, and I ran into Julie and her boyfriend.

Turns out she was just using me.

Wow, never saw that one coming.

Look, buddy, don't worry about it. You'll get over her.

I don't care about her.

Why are you so upset?

I miss my kid.