Original subtitles

Every time I dig you's eyes, I like coffee and tease your bag.

Though it makes no sense, it's true, there's no me without you.

Till death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Eddie, come on, let's go!

Hey, where's your suitcase?

I've done it, Joey. I've achieved bagless travel.

What?

Well, you know how every time when we go visit my folks, I realize that all I

needed to pack was a T -shirt and swimsuit? Yeah.

Boom.

Boom!

What about your toiletries?

Hair care in the right sock, dental care in the left.

Well, you've finally found a way to put your athlete's foot in your mouth.

Charming. Good, isn't it?

Better be kidding.

Hey, hey, hey!

You guys ready? I don't want to miss my fight debate.

Are you sure you want to spend Thanksgiving alone, Kenny? Come on, you

with us.

Oh, yeah. Are you sure you want to go to Vegas, or would you rather spend the

holiday with my folks at the West Palm Senior Village and Pain Management

Clinic?

Can you get my bag and get it in the closet? But bagless travel.

Yeah, use your legs with that one. It's mostly filled with liquor bottles.

I'm testing out these new noise -canceling headphones.

Go ahead, ask me for the ninth time if I brought the camera.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to flight 738 to Miami.

This flight is slightly oversold. We're looking for just one volunteer to give

up their seat and take a later flight, which leaves in an hour and a half. We

are offering a $300 travel voucher to anywhere in the contiguous United

Don't even think about it.

But it's $300 to travel anywhere in the contiguous United States.

Where are you going to go? You never get off your contiguous ass.

What's the difference? I'll be an hour and a half behind.

Sweetie, I don't ask for much. We don't go to Paris. We don't take gondola rides

down Venice Canal. We don't even drive to Atlantic City anymore since they made

it a toll road.

This is the only vacation we're going to take all year, and I don't think it's

too much to expect.

next to my husband and coach on the way to his parents' old age home.

In addition, our volunteer may spend the extra waiting time in our exclusive

Admirals Club.

The Admirals Club? I've never even seen the inside of an Admirals Club.

What do you think you're going to see in there? Naked stewardesses making out

with each other?

First of all, they prefer flight attendants.

And they may be naked, but I highly doubt that they will be kissing.

Okay, look, blue sweatsuit's going in. I gotta make my move.

Eddie, I don't want to go alone.

I want to be with you.

I have an idea. Let's pretend we're married and fly on the same plane.

What's so great about flying with me anyway? What, do you think I become

magically interesting at 30 ,000 feet while some kid is punching me in the

of the head with his Buzz Lightyear?

Let me add that once in the Admiral's Club, you will receive a voucher for a

complimentary cocktail or snack pack of your choice.

Eddie. It's a whole pack of snacks.

I'm sorry. It's a cocktail and... I'll take it.

Hello. How are you doing today?

Perfect. Where are you going?

Sin City.

Good as goats.

City of lost species.

Unfortunately, your plane has been delayed due to mechanical problems.

What kind of mechanical problems?

The kind that make the plane crash into a mountain at 800 miles per hour.

That just got very real for you, didn't it?

Hello. I'm checking in.

Where are you flying today?

City of Lost Wages.

Lost Wages? Oh, because you lose all your money there.

gonna use that excuse me do you want to make a bad person to you well

i don't know if i love that shirt with the jacket but other than that you seem

okay this shirt is gross sorry your flight's a bit delayed but here you

are seat 2a let you know when your plane is repaired thank you hey looks like

we're both stuck here for a while huh looks that way and i'm not the best

The idea of mechanical problems has me thinking about a drink.

Could I buy you that drink?

I'd like that.

Great. Thank God for small, unreliable discount airlines, huh?

I'll see you at the bar.

I'll see you at the bar. All right.

I'd like to change my seat to 2B.

I believe that's an aisle seat, as in I'll be sitting next to the hot seat.

That's a first -class seat.

And you are implying that I can't afford that? No.

That'll be $720.

Yeah, it will.

Put it on these three cards.

Now, watch closely. The air goes out, and the flavor stays in.

And we are vacuum packed.

Fantastic. You think that's impressive. Those cheese cubes you're eating are 18

months old.

I feel so sick right now.

It's perfectly safe.

It's as fresh as the day we bought it. It's the beauty of vacuum packing.

And you should see the room we save on storage by vacuum packing our clothing.

Joy. Give me something of yours. I'll suck it down right now.

Oh, yeah, two problems. Eddie's got my suitcase in. That sounds really weird.

Fair enough. But, oh, sweetheart, mark my words.

Before you go, we will suck something of yours.

Ah, Mom. Oh, darling.

Give me that. Oh, look at her. Hey, hey. How are you? How are you?

Hi, honey. Hey, where's my bag? Oh, you're not going to believe this.

Hysterical story. I left your bag unattended at the airport, and a robot

up pretty good.

Scary, but cool.

I can't believe this. What am I going to wear?

Don't worry, Joy. I will unstuck one of my house coats for you. I think it'll

fit over your bosoms.

So, Ma, what's on tap for the weekend?

Oh, I've got a beautiful brisket for tomorrow night's dinner.

And, Sandy, we're going to run some errands. Oh, yes, we've got to go return

library books, and then I need to buy a new sponge.

Yes. And then we've got to stop by the lawyer.

Lawyer? Why are you going to a lawyer?

Oh, you have to sign the final divorce papers.

Divorce papers?

Yeah, we're getting a divorce.

Did you tell him?

No, you were supposed to call him. Since when do I call him, huh? You call him.

I holler, hi, in the background.

Why are my parents getting a divorce?

Oh, look at him. He's so worried.

Honey, we're not really breaking up. In order to qualify for certain medical

insurance, you have to be bankrupt.

So if one of us gets sick, they're going to bleed us dry.

But if you're divorced, half your nut is protected.

It's called a Medicaid divorce.

They're all the rage.

So let me get this straight.

I've got nothing to wear all weekend?

This is insane.

Oh, tell that to Ms. Leslie Stahl of 60 Minutes. That's where we got the idea.

Okay, again with the 60 Minutes. Remember last time how they got you all

up and you tried to get your mechanic arrested?

They're supposed to give you the old parts.

It's the law.

I can't believe we're from the same hometown.

Oh, and I can't believe your aunt was my kindergarten teacher.

She was mean.

Telling me.

Oh, and big.

Oh, big indeed.

She taught the food pyramid but did not live it.

What can I get for you?

I'll have a beer.

And for your wife.

Honey?

I'll have what my husband's having.

If they're right, you will.

Because you're my woman.

Did I go too far with that?

No. I kind of liked it.

Damn right you did.

Damn right.

Ever

made

it with Cookie Monster?

I just can't stop thinking about my parents.

Come on. They explained the whole thing.

Why are you so bummed out about this?

It's just that I have this image of my family being blown apart.

I mean, don't you think what they're doing is a little weird?

Yeah, it's weird. Of course it's weird. You're weird people.

Hey, it's that weirdness that got us out of the old country, into the circus,

and all the way to Ellis Island.

You know what I mean. Your family's nuts.

You're the same way.

This whole divorce thing is exactly the same as you abandoning me at the

airport. Oh, that is not true. That is totally different, Joy. No, it's not.

sensible choice wins out over romance every time with you people.

Normally, you're the one dishing it out, and you can't take it now because

you're a little orphanetti.

You know, I thought I'd get a little more support from you. I am a child of

divorce.

But I guess if you're not from a broken home, you just don't get it.

talking about? My parents are divorced too, remember?

Oh, come on. You were nine.

At that age, that stuff just rolls right off you.

My dad moved to Virginia with a woman who sold us a Toyota.

Oh, all I'm hearing is double Christmas, double presents, boo!

It's so nice to sit next to somebody and not have to talk.

Yeah.

I know.

I just like to chew on the ice.

Look at those adorable kids.

Cute.

They are.

I don't know if I want to have kids, though.

Why not?

I don't know.

I guess you could call me selfish.

See, I just don't have that same kind of maternal pull that most women have.

Don't you think this is something that we should talk about?

This isn't just your decision, is it?

I just think the society puts way too much pressure on people to have kids.

What are you looking at?

What? I saw you checking out that woman.

She's a flight attendant. She's heading towards the gate.

I was looking to see if our flight was boarding.

Well, I don't think the answer to whether our flight is boarding is on

of her body.

You know what?

Uh -uh. I can't do this.

What? Do nothing while I run around Terminal B getting you treats?

I believe I wasted the last seven hours of my life with you.

So I guess this is it? I guess it is.

Pace? So long.

Now boarding flight 252 to Las Vegas.

First class passengers only.

This is awkward.

for another hour.

Yeah, I know. I can't sleep.

I'm having trouble... What?

What the hell is that? It's okay. It's okay.

Sweetheart, don't be afraid. It's just your father.

Jeez. How do you sleep with that?

I don't. I haven't slept in 48 years.

What is bothering you?

I don't want you and Dad...

This was less of you.

You know what? I just don't understand what's happening.

Is it my fault?

No, of course not.

It's because I didn't become a dentist.

It's because I have such big fingers. I couldn't imagine. I know, sweetie.

Very enormous. It wouldn't have worked. Yeah.

No, no. This has nothing to do with you. Your father and I love each other very

much. And we always have.

And we always will.

But when it comes right down to it, marriage, just a piece of paper.

Well, how can you say that? You're the one who always taught me that marriage

sacred. Oh, come on. You know what it is to raise a child. You make stuff up.

Listen, I know that you and Dad still love each other, but if you take the

you made and you throw them into the trash can, what's going to keep you

Drifting apart, you know, sometimes you need the institution, especially the

men. Oh, honey, your father's not going to cheat on me after all these years.

Yeah, but technically, if you're not married, it's not cheating.

I mean, when a girl comes on to a guy, the phrase is, I can't, I'm married.

not, I can't, I used to be married, but I'm technically divorced because of the

astronomical health care premiums.

Edward. You don't really think your father would do something like that.

Look, I know Dad is a nice guy, okay, but I've seen the pool you hang out at,

and it's a meat market out there.

Smells great in here, Mom.

Oh,

my God, just stop it. Why would you even put that on? How come you just didn't

wear what you wore on the plane?

I was. Then I spilled coffee all over myself when I saw your dad bend over for

the morning paper in nothing but a T -shirt.

Probably forgot we were here.

Yeah, did he forget that he lives in the world?

Hi, kids.

Hey, Ma.

Where's Dad? That's a good question. He's usually back from senior Tai Chi by

now.

Senior Tai Chi.

Meat market.

Hey, everybody.

Joy, you should have stuck around. Everybody kept asking where my hoxie

daughter -in -law went.

Yeah, I had to get out of there. Your friend Myron, he was getting a little

creepy with the camera phone.

You've been gone a long time. We're nearly ready to eat.

Actually, I went back to Max and got into this big argument about politics.

Myron said that President McKinley should be on Mount Rushmore. Then all

broke loose.

Who else was there?

Oh, Myron, Max, Clarence, Sol, the whole basketball team.

What about that Agnes? Agnes?

I guess she was there, too.

How come you didn't mention her?

I just did.

Nice outfit there, Al. You haven't worn that in years.

I wanted to look dapper for the kids.

Interesting.

You sure you didn't want to look dapper for that Agnes?

Who is that Agnes?

Yes, Father.

Who is that Agnes for whom you wear your finest velour?

She's just a neighbor.

Who likes to flirt with your father.

She's always laughing a little too hard at his old jokes.

Oh, excuse me for being funny. That's how I got you in a sack.

Al, what's going on between you two? Oh, there's nothing going on.

Is this why you wanted the divorce? Is it? So you could be free? Free for that

Agnes? What the hell's got into you? Oh, please. The phrase is, I can't, I'm

married. Not, I can't, I'm divorced to save on health care because I'm a cheap

bastard.

Oh.

So maybe you don't want the divorce. Is that what you're saying?

Perhaps. Oh.

Because you're feeling so terrible. Maybe we should stay married.

Maybe we should.

Fine.

Okay. That's the way you feel? The divorce is off.

We're going to stay married the rest of our lives. Fine.

Where are you getting all this crap from, anyway?

Eddie. Eddie said some very interesting things to me in bed last night.

You were in my bed last night? You were in their bed last night?

You're all making a beautiful thing dirty.

We're on our way to a perfectly happy divorce, and it's none of his business.

Hey, it is my business.

This isn't just about you, Dad.

Think about the children.

No one thinks about the children.

I'll grow up. No, no, you grow up. We're talking about your marriage here, Dad.

What the hell do you know about marriage? You came here without your

because of a lousy coupon.

Thank you.

You know, that's just as bad as what they're doing.

Oh, so now you're coming at me big red.

Yeah, I'm coming at you.

You lost my bag. It's 95 degrees, 100 % humidity. I'm sure Peter Frampton is

somewhere looking for his hair.

And I'm wearing the national flag of ugly.

Excuse me, Joy, I wore that to the Coconut Grove Playhouse last week, and I

a lot of positive feedback.

Be quiet, everybody.

Eddie, listen to me. This divorce that your mother and I are getting doesn't

matter. And you want to know why?

Because marriage, that little piece of paper, doesn't mean a thing.

Marriage is sharing a life together.

Marriage is flying on the same plane together.

Marriage is sleeping in the same room even though the other person snores like

jackhammer. And we were going to tear up our piece of paper, but we were never

going to give any of that up.

We're getting a divorce because I love my wife and I want to make sure that

she's taken care of in case something happens to me.

And I want you to be taken care of.

If something happens to me.

So, uh... You still want to get divorced?

I do.

Look at those two crazy kids getting a divorce.

It's a beautiful thing.

There was a seat in between us, but I had it switched so we could be right

to each other.

Oh, great.

So your elbow will be digging right into my boob.

That's right.

So I could be close to my beloved.

It's a two and a half hour flight, Joy Joy.

And I'm going to savor every minute of it.

We're going to talk.

I'm going to find out five things about you that I never knew before. And you,

you're going to find out things about me.

What is he like better?

Tangerines or nectarines?

You don't know, do you? Well, you're going to know at the end of this flight.

Attention in the gate area.

Flight 987 to Philadelphia is oversold.

We need just one volunteer.

You're not thinking about that, are you? No, no.

No.