Original subtitles

Every time I think you died, I like coffee.

Tease your bag.

Though it makes no sense, it's true. There's no me without you.

You know what?

Just get me up to see the overpriced juice and let's get out of here.

No, we still have to go get Doug's gift.

Oh, come on. What are we going to get our modern day hippie son -in -law at a

mall? Tell me about it. I mean, it is 2009.

Would it kill Hallmark to start selling pot?

This whole place. I don't think this is what baby Jesus had in mind when he

invented Christmas.

All right.

This is what this top of my interview. You like it?

I want them to know I'm serious about this.

Mm -hmm.

Purple jacket, purple tie, purple shoes. Let me guess, somewhere Prince is

naked.

This is a big deal, man. I'm bringing a more Santa color barrier.

I'm going to be the Jackie Robinson of more Santas.

Listen, I'm going to go buy Doug $30 worth of candles. Can I trust you to

here and not lose it?

This whole thing is ice.

The wheels have come off the whole day.

Perfect.

So sorry.

Don't worry, man. Don't worry. No.

No, I am. Oh, my God.

I sure hope you don't have any feeling down there. Well, you know, maybe you do

want feeling down there. Except for now, you know. Maybe you like it now. I

don't know. You know, whatever. I am totally fine.

I got my foamy orange drink all over you. Hey, it was kind of hot in here.

I'm nice and cool.

You are being...

Weirdly nice about this.

Well, hey, it's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful time of the year. I got no

complaints.

Really? Yeah.

You got no complaints?

Even with the whole dealing?

Hey, I'm alive.

I've got a family that just loves me.

And now I got pants that smell like Florida.

Wow.

That is an amazing attitude.

I have a cuticle infection and I want to smother myself with this festive

holiday bag.

After my injury, I was real bitter.

But then I just realized how lucky I am to still be here. So now I wear this

rubber band.

And whenever I feel like complaining, I just give a little snap.

Now, if you don't complain, nothing's bad. If nothing's bad, then you're

And if you're happy, then life is great.

Huh.

I gotta go wait 30 minutes for the elevator.

Have a great day, huh? No.

You don't have a great day.

You make it a great day.

Sorry.

It's okay.

It is okay.

How old was that woman wrapping packages?

I'm guessing like 140.

Well, on the plus side, I shook the hand that shook the hand of Thomas Alva

Edison.

You've been extraordinarily chipper all the way home.

What's going on?

You know, something amazing happened to me tonight. I accidentally spilled my

drink on a disabled guy at the food court, and his magical message changed

life. Did anyone else see this disabled guy?

The guy is very real, and he taught me a very real lesson.

I'm done complaining.

About what?

About everything.

Really not getting it.

We have rubber bands in the house somewhere, don't we?

Over there. Why? Why?

Well, I'm going to wear a rubber band to remind me not to complain.

And that's for you.

Yeah, I'm good.

I would really like for you to do this with me, but I'm okay if you don't.

Eddie, there is no way on earth you're going to be able to do this. You will

stick to it. Remember Bacon Free Tuesdays? Look, there was no way you

flip off that switch. You know that. I mean, bacon is the candy of meats.

This, this joy is a lot easier.

I'm telling you, we can do this.

Let me show you.

How was your day at work?

Bad.

Being a travel agent during the holidays sucks.

You're planning someone else's trip to Saint -Tropez and you don't even get a

bonus. But you're stimulating the Saint -Tropezian economy.

And I'm sure that means that a little Megalito is going to get one heck of a

Christmas present.

Megalito. Yes. Well, I'm not really sure what the Saint -Tropezites call their

young.

I have a feeling he's as cute as a button and probably very tan.

All right, you're starting to annoy the hell out of me right now.

Want to snap my rubber band? I want to snap your neck.

I like complaining to you. Your whole function in my life is to be the guy

I come home and bitch to.

I mean, what other purpose do you serve besides clogging the shower drain and

taking up half my Tivo space?

Freeze that. Freeze that face. Now walk with me.

Freeze it. Okay, come here.

Come here.

Walk to this mirror.

Okay, now, look at my face.

And look at your face.

What do you see here? Oh, my God.

Who is that mean but beautiful woman in the mirror?

That is someone who is filled with... Bile and bitterness.

Adam. No, no, it could change. Listen, listen to me. Joy, take this ride with

me. Our life will be healthier and happier.

We'll live well into our 50s. I'm almost sure of it.

What the hell? What I'm doing now isn't working.

Atta girl.

For you.

So you... You want to maybe...

Okay, yeah.

Sure, why not?

Hey, a question. Does the whole not complaining thing, does it apply to...

Yes.

Where are you going?

To go get a rubber band.

Yeah, it takes the pictures.

Little gal, big talent.

Woo!

The rest is pretty self -explanatory.

Take one kid at a time and try to keep it moving.

And if you sense that they're about to pee on you, hold them over to snow. I

packed it pretty good with wee -wee pants.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for this amazing opportunity.

Yeah, okay.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas! Who's my first contestant?

Come on up here.

Looking good, Miss Claus. Looking good.

What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

I want a baby doll and a princess bed and a television for my aunt.

You got it. Smile for Frankie.

Who's next?

Get up here, boy.

And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?

says rain rain makes flowers grow yes it

does all right you know i am really rocking this positive thinking and it

for everything like you know how i always say that the way that you eat

makes me want to vomit yeah yeah totally well now i say

god when he's dead i'm gonna miss that

It looks like the student is becoming the master. Indeed.

It's weird.

What's weird?

Just have a sniffle.

No big deal, huh?

Yeah. Amen. We're blessed.

Yes.

Indeed we are. Not that I'm complaining, but...

like someone has taken warm, wet cotton balls and shoved them up my nose, and

then they decided to dig them out with sandpaper.

That's how it's feeling.

Not that I'm complaining, you know.

It's making conversation.

Sounds a little bit like you're complaining.

No, because I said not complaining.

Specifically, I said not.

Good, because I'm not giving this up, because I am loving this, and people are

loving me doing it.

I mean, if you want to stop, that's fine. But I'm not because this is

for me.

Amazing for you?

It's amazing for me. And I started doing it six hours before you, so you don't

even know how amazing it is until 8 o 'clock tonight. So I

envy you.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

Can Doug and I talk to you guys about something?

Yeah, sure. What is it?

Well, Mother and Father Stark, now that we're all family, Allison and I would

like to start some new family traditions.

And we'd like to kick it off with... Homemade gifts.

Homemade gifts.

Okay. Thank you. All right.

So nothing store -bought at all?

No, no. Just made with love.

And broken pasta.

Oops, I said too much.

Sweet. Good idea.

Let's start dinner.

Sweetie, could you go back to the mall and return all those gifts?

The mall?

Today? Christmas Eve?

Well, you can't do it. I can.

I mean, I wouldn't mind.

No, I wouldn't mind doing it. Actually, I wouldn't mind not doing it.

Come on, who wouldn't want to go to the mall on...

Christmas Eve, huh?

In the rain.

Could it get any better? I'll go with you.

I guess it can.

You okay, sir? Never better.

Hello. Happy holidays to you. I need to return this coffee maker.

Okay. Do you have the receipt?

Receipt? I believe I do.

Oh, paper cut. Okay.

It's bleeding.

I don't have a receipt.

Okay, I can't return it without the receipt.

Okay. Well, listen, I know that you have your rules, and I understand that, and

you're following them beautifully.

One second. Mm -hmm.

Housewares? Hey, what's up?

I'm working, dude.

Well, you called me at work, so it shouldn't be that hard to figure out.

You shut up.

Hold on, let me talk.

Okay, that's cool. We'll talk later.

Wow, sir, I'm impressed.

The old sir would have really lost it with that sales girl taking a personal

call and everything.

Well done.

That's nice to see when young people have friends.

Wow. Well, I'm glad this young person has a poncho.

I think I know what's going on here.

And it's not a cold.

What do you mean?

All right, well, you've given yourself a personality transplant, and your body

is rejecting it.

Well? Well, that's ridiculous.

I love being positive.

I've never been this happy in my entire life.

Well, yeah, but the stress of holding it in, you see, it's killing you. It's

making you sick, sir.

You can't force a happy peg.

Into a sad hole.

You need to stop it. I can't stop it. Joy is great at this. She is crushing me

with her love of life.

If she could do it, I could do it. She's not a better person than me. Come on,

you better.

You got, like, a lot of crazy stuff coming out of your nose right now.

Yeah. Okay, who was I talking to?

You're talking to me.

Darling, you're talking to me. You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to

come back after Christmas with my receipt and return it, okay? Okay.

Just so you know, if you return it after Christmas, you only get back the sale

price.

Ew. What is up with your eyes?

I can't think of anything.

Hmm.

Well, you know what's always good?

Cash. How much you want?

Ten dollars, please. You're talking to Santa Claus here.

Negative thousand.

Thank you, Santa.

You are super welcome.

Smile for Frankie.

You're rich.

Santa. I love it. Come here.

Listen, we got complaints from some of the parents. You got to back it down a

little with the kids.

People can't afford to buy expensive gifts. These are tough times.

Not for Santa.

Look.

I get off at five.

I don't have time to explain to you how Christmas really works.

Oh, my God.

Is everything okay?

Well, your father's just a little messed up in his body area.

Everything is super.

Why were you limping?

My foot got in an escalator, baby.

It was scary for a while. A couple kids started crying.

Want to know the upside?

Guess he's getting new shoelaces.

Where's mom?

I haven't seen her for a while. I think she might have gone out.

Oh, well, you know what?

Let's give her a call and have her come home and we can get this.

festive meal started. Yeah!

Because it's all good.

we have these neighbors across the street and they have this nativity scene

and and mary and and joseph are leaning over baby elmo okay it's not

not only offensive it's just confusing you know i don't understand what they're

trying to say with the elmo i gotta go

what is going on here nothing

Have been complaining.

All right, yes.

Okay, I have been complaining.

How long have you been complaining?

I don't know, like two days.

We've only been not complaining for two days. I know, I know.

Listen, I gave it a solid hour. It's not my thing, okay?

I have been making myself sick trying to keep up with your delightfulness.

And look. You're the picture of health. Do you know why? Do you know why?

Because your blood is coursing with life -fulfilling venom.

So, big whoop. Okay, now you know the truth. Complain away.

No. No, because I'm good. And it's good to be good.

Yeah, it really looks like it's working out for you.

It's working wonderfully for me.

Eddie, would you take a look at yourself?

You're a mess.

God always tests his prophets.

Okay. Listen up, everybody.

Listen up. I know that you all want to put me into a neat little box.

Oh, there's the grumpy guy. There's the one that everyone loves to hate.

Daddy, you're scaring me. No reason to be scared, darling. No reason to be

scared. I'll tell you why. Because I am a sweet man without a complaint in the

world. Okay?

Now let's all sit down to this meal.

Thank the good Lord for our blessings.

Doug had an idea for another holiday tradition.

A cornucopia of nuts and berries.

I

don't

like nuts and berries.

Oh, wait, what was that, sir?

next month. Her apartment smells like bug spray and I want to deal with that

crap at this point in my life.

I hate your nose.

I lie in bed at night and I dread that my grandchildren are going to be born

with one of those.

That dress makes you look like a slut.

God bless us, everyone.

What's your name, little boy?

Jeremy. I want a puppy.

Oh, you want a puppy, huh?

Well, you know what's even better than a puppy?

A balled -up pair of socks.

They're soft, they love you unconditionally, and they won't give

rabies.

It's not for Frankie.

But I really want a puppy.

And I really want a beard that doesn't smell like bourbon. That's not gonna

happen either.