Original subtitles

Time I zig you zide.

I like coffee.

Tease your bag.

Though it makes no sense, it's true. There's no me without you.

Till Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Here you go, your regular meatball sandwich.

Extra sauce, extra cheese with a light dusting of crumbled bacon.

Here's to your health.

You know, funny story how bacon got invited to this party. Yeah, I heard it.

no, no, I have to tell you this. It was about ten years ago, I was at this very

table, and I had some bacon stuck in my teeth from breakfast.

I bite into the sandwich, and all of a sudden, these two meats are making love

inside my mouth.

And they bore a child named Yum.

Well, it's about time my mouth made love to some nicotine gum.

Oh.

Wow. Oh, boy.

Too much cheese.

Darn.

What are you doing here?

Living, loving, getting my sandwich on.

Sit down. Sit down.

Did anyone see you come in here?

Oh, it's the homeless guy outside with his raincoat tucked into his pants.

I'm talking about someone we know.

Or Joy.

Why are you all wiggy, man?

I'm not wiggy. Why do you think I'm wiggy? What am I doing that's wiggy?

You're squeezing that sandwich so hard you just lost the ball.

Probably smart.

She looks like she would talk a lot in the sack.

What's going on, man? All right, look, here's the thing. For about 20 years,

I've been coming in here and getting meatball sandwiches, but I've never told

Joy. What is she, only about the cholesterol and stuff?

Cholesterol, please. I've seen that woman spread cold gravy on a cupcake.

It was early on in our marriage. I was out

running a bunch of errands, and then I ended up coming in here.

When I got home later, I told Joy everything I did, but for some reason, I

told her about the sandwich.

Was it wrong?

Yes.

Did it make me feel better than I've ever felt in my entire life?

You bet your sweet black ass.

You get yourself secret meatballs.

Every man needs a secret meatball. Yes, yes, we do. And this is the only thing

left in our relationship that is all mine.

It gives you a chance to reconnect with an old friend.

You. Now, listen to this. I need you to do me a favor. You can never mention any

of this to Joy. She already knows everything else there is to know about

knows my ATM code, my strange fear of bean -based soups.

The confusing feelings I have when I see Jude Law.

I get that.

I get all weird about Prince.

The important thing to remember while maneuvering her is you have to feel like

tiny driver inside the dune buggy.

I've seen a tiny badass me.

with tiny goggles on and tiny little driving gloves.

I think of myself as tiny, but still pretty tall compared to other tiny

And tiny me is also catnip to the tiny ladies.

I know, I know.

She's a bitch and she sleeps around.

But you have to invite her. She's still your mother.

Hey, guys. You have a little sauce on your shirt.

This must have happened at Morris when you called my name and I jumped. What

hell are you doing?

You have to treat a stain before it sets as long as you want to win.

But you're making it worse.

It's the process.

Wow, that's definitely getting worse.

I'm going to need some kosher salt and some pantyhose.

Don't rub it like...

So what is that, tomato?

No.

Hell no.

What is it, lipstick? You having an affair on me?

Maybe.

Maybe he's looking for a lady who doesn't ask so many questions.

You guys been sniffing dune buggy glue?

Because you're acting really strange.

What, what, so suddenly a man can't dab another man with a wet cloth without

being labeled strange?

What a world.

What a world indeed.

All right, listen here, buddy. You're going to tell me what's going on, or I'm

going to get it out of your little friend here.

He doesn't know anything.

Yeah, I'll be the judge of that.

Hey there, Mr. Man.

That nice, smooth head of yours is getting a little sweaty.

Thank you.

What are you two hiding, Kenneth?

Don't call me Kenneth. My mom calls me Kenneth.

Oh, does she, Kenneth? And when does she call you Kenneth? When you're trying to

hide something?

Kenneth?

He's got a secret meatball sandwich.

What?

You have played with my doom buggy for the last time.

I deserve that.

So what's the deal with the sandwich?

All right, honey. Look, here's the thing.

I've been going to this place called Maury's and I've been getting these

meatball sandwiches and not telling you.

How long have you been doing that?

I don't know. What is this, Tuesday?

20 years.

about this? About your secret sandwich?

Not so much.

Sneaking around to get meatballs for 20 years is just so lame.

It is. It is crazy lame. So we can pretend we've never had this

Your secret's safe with me.

Wait a second. Hold on. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have a

secret yogurt right now.

There's fruit at the bottom. Don't tell anyone. It's a

Here's your meatball sandwich and your root beer. Thank you. Hey, I got a funny

story for you. I know, I heard it. No, no, no, no. Listen, this one you've

heard before. This is fresh stuff. I've been coming here about 20 years. You

never told your wife and then she found out and you were afraid she was going to

be angry, but she wasn't?

Should I leave the chat?

Wait a second.

How did you hear about that story? Well, your wife told me. She was in here a

couple hours ago.

What? Yeah.

You know, she's pretty. I was surprised. I always pictured her fat Take

it away What?

What's up? You're kind of creeping me out.

How was your day?

What'd you do?

Uh, I don't know. I went to the car wash.

I went to the bank.

You know, we have almost no money.

Sure do.

Did you go anywhere else?

No. Oh, I did pick up a chai tea.

A chai tea?

Or a lie tea?

I know you went to my secret meatball place.

Convenient how you just left that out, huh?

Okay, yeah. I went to Maury's once just to see the place.

Well, now you've contaminated it.

I'm sorry.

I've contaminated it?

There's a possum trap in the ladies' room.

Why'd you go, Joy? I thought you didn't care.

You were laughing when I told you. Okay, fine. Yeah, I laughed about it at

first, but then it seemed really weird that you had to hide it from me.

I mean, what is the deal with this stupid sandwich? It's not just a

It's what it represents.

Don't you understand? It was the only thing in my life that you didn't know

about. The one and only thing that was all mine.

Come on. There are things that we don't know about each other. I can say five

things right now that you don't know about me.

Go for it.

Okay.

I... Bleach your mustache.

Okay, all right. Here's something you don't know, okay?

In college once, after this concert, I... Slept with a guy named Daryl Hall

because you thought he was part of the band Hall & Oates and he just ended up

being a random guy named Daryl Hall.

All right, we know everything about each other, okay?

Call me crazy, but I don't think that that's such a bad thing in a marriage,

babe. It's because you're a chick.

Excuse me? Look, Joy, I'm a good husband.

I would never cheat on you. I would never murder someone and bury them in

pantry.

The pantry?

What's wrong with the pantry?

Well, it's just a very specific place to talk about burying someone.

Generally, people just say the woods, but it's almost as if you have a plan.

Can I finish?

Go ahead.

Okay. My secret meatball sandwich was the last bit of my independence.

Now, I know it may sound lame, but it was important to me.

But now you know it, and you can never unknow it.

I'm so sorry I know your big secret.

Here. Why don't you hit me over the head with a frying pan, and I'll forget all

about it. Go ahead.

You're not actually thinking about hitting me with that, are you?

No.

Hey, hun, Steph and I are heading out. What are you doing tonight?

Why don't you tell me what I'm doing tonight, oh keeper of all secrets?

Ew, what's that smell?

Me.

Wow, you are... smoldering kettle of sexual energy.

I think we better leave the room before we both jump your bones.

Are you still bumming about that meatball thing?

How long is that going to last?

I don't know. Possibly forever. I'm looking into getting my own condo.

You know, maybe him having a secret wasn't such a bad thing.

Maybe it gave your relationship a little spark.

It really didn't.

smelled like that before.

I actually think secrets are kind of cool and exciting.

I mean, I love Jeff, but I know everything about him.

I'm desperately hoping there's something I don't know.

So it keeps me going.

need to get a new secret.

What?

What brought this on?

I don't know. Maybe your secret meatballs did give you an air of mystery

without them you are just a big tall pile of bleh.

A new secret, huh?

I think it's going to be good for us.

You know what?

Maybe I'm going to get myself a secret too.

Ooh, a lady's secret.

How very forward thinking.

I'll allow it.

Oh, I totally ruined Eddie's marriage, so I'm taking him out for a tuna

sandwich.

Ah, gentlemen, hey, Kenny.

Hey, what's going on, Eddie?

Ready for your apology lunch? Oh, no need to apologize, my friend. Joy has

change of heart. She's going to let me pick a new secret.

Apparently, your wife got to her. She said you're a snooze to live with

there's nothing mysterious about you, so she figured that I could be...

There's nothing mysterious about me?

That's right.

Okay, right. So look, this is what I need. I need you guys to focus here and

come up with a great new secret for me that's going to blow meatball sandwiches

out of the water. Anybody, what do you got?

Secret tacos.

Okay, see, now you're replacing food with food. Come on, we're better than

Boink the science teacher.

Frank Littleton?

I'm sorry, I meant the new math teacher.

Let's keep it above the belt, all right?

Secret bird?

Secret hamster?

Secret squirrel?

Secret jetpack!

Do us a favor, get a haircut.

How could she not think I'm mysterious?

I am a magician, for God's sake.

You know, I own two capes.

All right, look, this is the thing. We've got to make sure that my secret is

better than Joy's.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Joy gets to have a secret, too?

Yeah. Oh, boy.

What, what, what? What, oh, boy?

What's wrong with that? A good secret is when it's yours and you know what it

is. A bad secret is when it's hers.

And she's riding the pool boy.

Look, nobody's going to be having sex with anybody, okay?

Of course. It's going to be fine. You got a bosomy, free -spirited lady doing

stuff and not telling you. What could possibly go wrong?

What'd you do today?

I hung out. Went around.

Got a pretty great new secret rolling.

But of course, that is all that I can divulge.

Obviously. That makes it a secret.

Good. You get it.

But I can tell you that mine is pretty spectacular.

And I don't mind telling you that I am loving my secret, too.

Great. Couldn't be happier for you.

Secrets, huh?

Fun to keep.

Fun also.

One secret pinwheel, please.

What is going on in here?

What? My secret.

You can't just take my secret and make it your secret. You're breaking the laws

of secrets.

Why? It couldn't be your secret anymore, and the sandwich is delicious.

Did you go with melted mozzarella on the top? What other cheese could you

possibly go with on there?

I don't know.

Feta? Feta?

Feta? Oh, you know what? I can't even look at you right now. You have no

business being in here. And you, you, I guess you'll just wait on anybody, won't

you?

I'm a waitress. That's kind of what I do.

I don't know why you're getting so upset about this. You said your new secret

was spectacular.

I lied.

Am I right, Joy?

I don't even have a new secret.

I couldn't even think of anything else.

That's how lame I am.

Well, why do you think I took your secret? I couldn't think of anything

either. That's how lame I am.

So that's it.

Now we know everything about each other.

We're no longer two independent beings.

This is the end of Joy and Eddie. We've simply become... Jetty.

But you know what? Who cares?

This has been exhausting anyway.

Now that we have absolutely nothing left to hide, I'm actually feeling a

strange sense of peace.

Yeah, me too.

Sorry you lost your secret.

But you know when your last shred of independence is a meatball sandwich kind

running out of road.

I'm going to go try to find a fork that doesn't have gum on it.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you got going on there? Oh, this is a new

sandwich. It's not on the menu yet. It's peppers and sausage and cheese on a

jalapeno roll.

Listen, next time I'm in here, throw a little bacon on that and keep it on the

down low.

Secret sausage.

Why don't you go upstairs and bleach your mustache?