Original subtitles

Every time I lick you's eye, I like coffee and tease your bag.

Though it makes no sense, it's true, there's no me without you.

Till death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

They bring it right to the house. Still amazes me.

What are you doing? Setting the table.

Paper plates too highfalutin for you?

Okay.

Honey, first of all, the cheese is the meal and the crust is the plate.

Secondly,

we're eating upstairs tonight. Why?

Well, because Kenny has a third date with that girl Angie and he's going to

bring her back. And I told him we'd, you know, clear out.

Clear out?

What, are we living in a dorm? Eddie, this is our home.

Okay, fine.

I'll just tell Kenny you're not cool. Yes, please.

Please tell Kenny that I'm not cool with him breaking four commandments on my

couch.

Oh, come on. Eddie, pepperoni on the whole thing?

Why do you even ask me what I want?

Again, if I order a pizza with half pepperoni and half cheese, they still

me the $2 .95 as if I was getting pepperoni on the whole pie.

So be a team player. Pick it off on your side, put it on my side, win -win.

What you don't understand is it's not a win for me, because even after I've

picked it all off, my side is still covered with...

It's pepperoni juice.

Joy, Joy, first of all, there's no such thing as pepperoni juice, because if

there was, I would have a whole gallon of it in our fridge.

That was the water part.

It was okay.

Where's your lady friend?

Home.

I thought this was the big date. What happened?

Well, we went our way out of the park, and she wanted to go back in there and

take one more ride on the Pirate's Plunge.

Oh, yeah, I've seen that on TV.

Anyway, I'm coming around the last curve and my baby suit gets away from me.

And she saw something that didn't quite work for her.

Are we supposed to guess?

Oh, I'll go. I'll go. Extra nugget in your happy meal.

That's the look Angie gave me.

It's the same look I've been getting from women my whole life.

That's funny.

Most guys have to apologize after sex, but you have to apologize before.

Why would you have to apologize after sex?

Not to her. To the neighbors.

Up high!

Come on!

All I know is I'm getting this thing done.

Now, as an adult?

I mean, I don't have one, but...

Aren't those things a little sensitive?

Especially if you sleep on them wrong.

Look, all I know is, Angie's the first girl I've been excited about since Tina.

If I learned anything from my first marriage, it's that I need to be more

accommodating. Yeah, I don't know, a third date circumcision? I mean, I

even buy Joy flowers until our fifth date, and that was to thank her for our

fourth date.

I was so drunk.

How is it that I am 46 years old and I am discovering cinnamon floss for the

first time?

It's like cleaning your teeth with a candy cane.

Hey.

It's 10 .45, honey. Lights out.

I was reading.

Hey, it's a newspaper. Read it on the can like everyone else.

You are the most inconsiderate, self -centered jackass in the history of

jackassery.

Love you, too. Good night.

I'm serious, Eddie.

Is this about the pepperoni thing? Yes, it is about the pepperoni thing.

It's about the lights. It's about the fact that everything in this marriage is

geared towards what you want, and I am just along for the ride.

Sounds like somebody needs a hug.

You know what? I want you to name one thing that you do for me.

How about the time I took you to the botanical gardens?

That was 11 years ago.

And the only reason we stopped is because you had to use the bathroom.

Which gave you a good 45 minutes to walk around.

You are quite a catch.

Joy, I'm a man. This is what men do.

This is not what men do.

There was a man in our kitchen less than an hour ago who was willing to get

circumcised for the mere promise of love. Okay, well, if that's what this is

about, problem solved. I mean, I know it's been a while since you've seen it,

but I gotta tell you, I'm cute as a button down.

We get it. You love you.

I am always doing things for you, and you're never doing anything for me. All

right, honey, look, you want me to do something for you? I will do something

you. You just name it, whatever your little girly heart desires.

I would like to get season tickets to Showtunes on the Green at Fairmount

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not like you caught me with a hooker.

This is what we are doing for the next six Fridays.

Six Fridays?

Six Fridays, yeah. Before the show, there's a picnic.

Picnic? I can't feel my legs.

After which, we will sit on a blanket on the lawn at Fairmount Park and enjoy

Alan Thicke in The Best of Broadway.

So you're telling me just because Kenny is gonna...

pimp his ride, I have to now go watch Growing Pains the musical.

Is that what you're saying?

That is exactly what I'm saying. Okay, well, you know what? It's not going to

happen because Kenny is not going to go through with this. Trust me. Oh, but you

don't think so? No, I don't. Oh, here, I have an idea.

If he does go through with it, we will spend the better part of the fall

on a blanket at Fairmont Park, listening to show tunes, and if he doesn't, I

will rip up the ticket. Okay, you know what? You've got a deal, and we're going

to shake on it. All right. Yeah, go ahead.

You know, we've never shaken hands in bed before.

It's kind of hot.

It's like you're a successful businesswoman, and I'm a titan of

Yeah, it is kind of hot. Yeah.

Good night.

You can't do it. You can't get circumcised.

I can't believe you're not taken care of down there.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, man. I saw a guy at the gym once. I almost passed out.

See, Kenny Alon.

It's not that gross.

Why you getting all defensive? We just trying to...

And the women love it.

What women?

Your mama.

Okay, so bottom line, it's a terrible idea. It's decided.

You're not going to do it.

Oh, I'm doing it, man.

It's going to be a whole new world for me. I'm going to new beaches, making

with the lights on. I'm going to get me a pair of jeans with a zipper.

Excuse me.

I'm leaving two dumplings. I expect to come back to two dumplings.

Excuse me.

I don't work here, but the bathroom's over there and the green tea comes

No, no, no. You were my doctor. I'm Eddie Stark. You did my vasectomy. Oh,

Is your wife pregnant, too?

Listen, that isn't why I'm here. Do you do adult circumcisions?

When you're already circumcised.

How do you remember that?

I'll not go with names or faces, but I never... Okay, listen. I need you to go

back over there and tell my friend not to get one.

Or I could eat my shrimp. That's ready.

Okay, listen, please. This is the thing. I know it sounds weird, but my friend

wants to get this procedure done for a girl that he barely knows.

When my wife heard about this, she realized how insensitive I am. If he

ahead with this, I'm looking at a month and a half of musicals in the park.

I get that.

Excuse me.

Pass the bar to the left.

Thanks. No, I don't have to sit down to pee.

It just looked different.

All righty. This is Dr.

Park, and this is my buddy Kenny that I was telling you about.

I understand you're thinking of having an adult circumcision. That's a pretty

tricky procedure.

What doctor are you going to? I don't have one yet. I'll get you in Tuesday.

What? How about Monday? 10 a .m.? I can do noon. Wait. Wait. Awesome.

Excuse me, Rabbi, has the baby been circumcised yet? No.

Good. Because, well, my friend's running a little late. I really want him to see

this. I'm sorry, I don't recognize you. You're friends with... The baby.

Zeb, the Zebster. Yeah, we go way back. So listen, I'm going to need you to

stall the, you know, and if you could, that would be God -tested.

I can't do that.

All right, I hear you. I hear you. Say no more.

Sir, this isn't a nightclub.

I'm not going to delay the service for two dollars.

Here's the thing. My friend wants to get circumcised for this girl. And when my

wife heard about it, she realized that I'm a schmuck.

So if he goes through with it, I have to go see six musicals in the park.

I get that.

I once broke my own arm, so I didn't have to go see Josh Groban.

Eddie, what are we doing in the temple?

I told you once, man, my mom's raising me Baptist. I'm going to stay Baptist.

Relax. I want you to see something. It's called the brist. Now put this on and

come with me.

Aren't I going to get funny looks if I wear this? You're going to get funny

looks either way.

Shalom.

What up, fool?

Muscle tough.

What's popping?

Don't sit down.

Hey, bro.

You didn't see me here? I didn't see you here.

And now, we welcome Zev Mordecai Spiegelman to join the covenant with

Jewish sons have done since the time of Abraham.

We are blessed here today to have three generations of Spiegelmans to share in

this most holy tradition.

And as we pass Zev from father to son,

to a grandfather.

We celebrate God's eternal commitment to the children of Israel.

This is beautiful.

Father Flint's stuff gets me every time.

Yeah, it's very touching. Just buckle up and keep your eyes on little Zev

Schmeckleman.

May all who pray here today be witness to his infinite divine grace.

Baruch Hashem.

And we all say, Oh, man.

Hallelujah. Praise Jesus.

I'll tell them later.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever been a part of.

I want to go next.

And now for the big moment.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, look in your book and find me a perfect match.

Oh, mama, send me a scholar. Make him rich as a

king for me. Well, I wouldn't holler if he were as handsome as anything.

We're not going.

The picnic is off because there's no circumcision. That's right, nobody's

nothing nice for nobody.

What did you do?

Why are you wearing a yarmulke?

Huh?

I... Hello, I am wearing a yarmulke because it is Rush Hayi's Hallel Bagel

That's right, that's right. It's Jewish Halloween joy. It's real. Look it up.

The Spiegelman Briss.

You took him to a brisk?

You should have seen what they did to little Zev. He was just a baby.

How could you stoop so low?

I didn't stoop, Joy. In my time of need, I turned to God, and God delivered.

Because as luck would have it, he hates musicals, too.

Did I interrupt your buffet for eight?

Do you want some?

Oh, no. My diet allows 1 ,400 calories a day. And thanks to breakfast and my car

snack, I'm on gum and water till Sunday.

Listen, this wasn't all for me. Eddie and I were supposed to go to this

show picnic thing.

And then your ex -husband canceled his circumcision and bang, it's off.

I'm sorry.

My ex -husband is getting circumcised.

He's getting kind of serious with this girl.

And she asked him to get circumcised. Kitty is seeing someone.

Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't think that you'd care.

Oh, no.

I don't care.

It's just that I've been asking him for years to take his junk to the tailor.

Well, don't worry.

He's not doing it for her either. He chickened out.

Hmm. Oh, that's too bad.

Because that and something in his wallet besides stamps and condoms might get

him a second chance at this.

Really?

Interesting.

Nice chatting with you.

Oh, Kenny.

What's up, Joy? Well, don't tell anyone I told you this, especially not Eddie.

But if you get your little procedure done, there's a certain lady who might

interested in getting with you, actually.

I'm really excited, Joy. I really am.

You're a fantastic lady. No, not me.

Tina. I really think that Tina would give you another shot if you did this

thing. What are you talking about? She hates me with a passion. And there,

is the key word, passion.

Because if a woman hates a man that much, there is a love underneath.

Is that how it is with you and Eddie?

Sure, why not?

Let me bottom line this for you. You get circumcised, you get Tina.

I heard that.

I heard that. Hey, type down. He's doing this. Tina wants him that way. Oh, you

went to the ex -wife. Oh, that is low. You took him to a brith. Yeah, you're

darn right I did, and it scared him to death. Well, he's not... Well, he should

be. Listen to me. You want to end up like little Zev swaddled in a blanket

screaming at your nana's bosom as people are standing around you laughing and

eating cocoa?

Kenny, don't listen to him. He doesn't care about you. He is just using you to

get out of taking me to musicals. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what? She is doing

the same thing. She doesn't care about you and Tina. She doesn't. What are you

talking about?

We have.

a deal that if you didn't get circumcised, I don't have to take her to

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

Using me to settle your marital squabbles.

I'm not going to do this for you.

And I'm not going to not do it for you.

And I'm certainly not going to do it for my ex -wife.

I'm doing this thing for me and a sweet little girl named Angie who loves me for

who I am.

Well, 99 % of who I am.

What's up, Angie?

Just called to let you know that Monday morning, I'm going to have a certain

part of me removed per your request.

What do you mean by that?

Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm.

Uh -huh.

Okay.

Goodbye.

What happened?

She dumped me.

Turns out it wasn't about little Kenny.

She just didn't like me.

So let me get this straight. You just got the it's not your penis, it's you

speech?

We're sorry, Kenny.

Yeah.

We took something that was personal to you and we used it for our benefit.

And that was not right. It was totally wrong.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.

So?

Am I going to have to...

Go to a musical?

You know what? You take your time. That is a big decision for only you can

decide.

But if we're going to make the curtain, we've got to leave in like ten minutes.

We should know soon.

I can't believe they're making me go to this.

You're the reason why I'm here. You're going to suffer right along with me.

Let me tell you something.

This is going to hurt only slightly less than what you're having done Monday.

There's no place to sit.

You know you're right. This is crazy. Let's go.

No, Eddie. Come on.

You go right there.

I'll go for that. Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me. Could we, um... Down in front.

Oh, my eyes.

Come on, man.

Sorry.

Are you breakdancing? Just sit.

Oh, Dr.

Seaver's going to sing.

We'll build on that.

I'd work all day in my bitty, bitty bum. If I were a wealthy man, I

wouldn't have to work hard.

If I were a bitty, bitty rich man,

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen.

a lot of trouble dressing as a Jewish farmer here. At least you can do a sing

-along in the chorus. Help me out. Here we go.

I wouldn't have to work hard.

Look at this face.

I'm not singing.

Well, I'm not leaving until you do.

Then you're going to be here until you grow a real beard.

Look, douche.

I need to escape.

You really don't want to hear him sing.

This isn't about quality, ma 'am. It's about effort.

Okay? Tough guy.

You want to drop the crackers and sing along?

Or do you want me to cancel this whole production?

I'll shut it down. I will. Your call.

I'll see you in the parking lot, assface.

If I were a rich man.