Original subtitles

Is that hot?

Hey, guys.

I see you're tossing around the old cow skin.

You mean pig skin?

Well, actually, while it's commonly referred to as the pig skin, footballs

are made from premium cow hide.

Well, whether it's pork or beef, you still can't catch it.

It's pointy.

Wow, a chair can catch better than you.

Cannot.

See?

Well, when you throw it like that... Come on, guys, give me another chance.

Okay, go long. How long? Peru.

Hilarious.

Look, the chair can tackle, too.

All right, let's play some ball.

Here you go, buddy.

Blue 42.

Red 18.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Nice catch, Mr. Mosby.

Three people to shave.

That is, if you shave, I got more hair in my ear.

Okay. I can't grow facial hair. I can't catch a football.

Anyone else want to take a shot at me?

Your cow folding is atrocious.

This is a London cross fold. I mean, what are we on, a pirate ship?

Who cares about football anyway? It's just a bunch of sweaty Neanderthals

running into each other.

Hey, I used to play football.

I mean the upper Paleolithic Neanderthals who invented tools and did

beautiful cave paintings in Lascaux.

I've seen those. I like how the mammoth poop has stink lines.

So the reason I'm upset is the guys wouldn't let me play football.

Really? Because I saw them playing with a champ.

Dang, you must stink like an armpit full of cheese.

Talk, Kirby.

Cody, I'm going to put you through Kirby Morris training camp.

I'll have you playing like a pro.

Or at least as good as that sheriff.

All right, I'm in.

Welcome to the pigskin pocket.

You mean cow skin.

Football's are made from cow leather.

No, I mean pig skin. I always like to celebrate with pork rinds.

After you teach me about... football, I'm going to teach you about the food

pyramid. Food pyramid?

Is that the philosopher's place with the drive -thru window?

Gentlemen,

Zach's Fantasy Football League draft is now underway.

Mr. Mosby can't complain about this.

Exactly. So with the first pick, the seeing enemies pick quarterback...

We get points based on how they perform in their real game. Yep, and whoever's

fantasy team gets the most points wins that awesome trophy.

Ugh.

This trophy's pathetic.

I wouldn't use this cup to throw a drink at my butler.

And why does it say Marion Mosby, Hotel Manager of the Year?

Because we haven't scratched it out yet.

Well, if you let me in the league, I'll donate a solid gold trophy big enough...

his spiky hair.

Dang it!

Who wants to play some football?

Me!

Let's go, Kirby.

It's not Kirby. It's Coach Morris. You need to show me some respect.

That'll be hard to do with you in those shorts.

right arm is stronger i use it to focus my microscope we obviously need to start

with some conditioning oh already did it this morning after i shampooed i'm not

talking about your hair although that does explain the lack of split ends

into the yard.

Yes!

Did one of your Woody's woodpeckers just score?

You're just a real -life cast member.

this thing and start my own record company.

And I can buy a house for each of those cheerleaders.

And I can make the world's biggest root beer floats.

See? You gotta know what the ladies like.

Uh,

two

questions. Do I really?

And did you ever wash any of this? Nope, it's bad luck.

Yours or mine?

All right, now it's time for the best part about football.

The halftime show? I love it when the band spells stuff out.

No, the hit.

Time to release all that pent -up aggression.

But that's what my diary is for.

Hey, boy, there are no diaries in football.

Okay, this is a tackling dummy.

Keep your hips square, your head up, and hit it as hard... Fight as you can and

knock it over.

Mr. Mosby, do you know what it's like to be excluded by your peers just because

you're not athletically inclined?

Do I?

It was the fall of 79.

The economy was depressed, but not as depressed as a young Marion Mosby who

shunned once again for not making the team.

You play football.

for months.

But when the moment came, I took a shuttlecock to the eye.

Coach Melissa said, I put the bad in badminton.

So, now do you know why I'm doing this?

to wash that.

I can't believe I work for him.

So now let's see if you can catch a ball.

Maybe you could be a wide receiver.

Can I just be a kicker? If you want to be a kicker, then join the Rockettes.

Now this is pretty simple. Here, watch me.

that London is winning.

She picked her wide receiver because his eyes are dreamy.

Well, she's not wrong.

But still, that's not how you should pick.

Well, she has Kurt Warner at quarterback.

He's got more touchdowns than you got stains on your shirt.

Gotham's no solid gold trophy.

Word.

Wow, that was easy. I thought I was going to have to bribe you guys. Well,

know,

I'm just going to go ask Cody what an anemone looks like.

What if I said I can make your team better?

Better looking?

me, Kurt Warner, and I'll trade you Brad Pitt.

Yes! Brad Pitt is gorgeous!

I want him! Give me, give me, give me! I don't actually have him on me.

Because I hit him somewhere on the sky deck. Go look!

Ah, sweet.

Like taking Warner from a baby.

What's up, Coach Morris?

I'm not wearing my coach's hat. I'm wearing my Kirby hat.

Actually, I'm not wearing any hat at all. I got a big head, and it's hard to

find one that fits.

Look, Kirby, I really appreciate your help, but I'm just giving up on being

of the guys.

Well,

being one of the girls ain't an option.

Now, Cody, if football taught me anything, it was to never give up.

Well, that and no matter how appetite... and it may look after practice, the

human body cannot digest a mouthpiece.

You saw me out there. All I did was hurt myself.

I even got heartburn from the sports drink.

That was water.

Probably unfiltered.

But either way, I'm settling my stomach with a sodium bicarbonate solution to

level off my pH balance.

Do you really think that'll work?

Absolutely. My coach motivated me by using something I love.

He said, Kirby, picture the quarterback as a double bacon cheeseburger with

extra barbecue sauce.

The very next play, I sack the quarterback.

Although I did get a 15 -yard penalty for taking a bite out of his leg.

Oh, hey, Arizona's about to score. What do you change the channel?

No problem.

With your hands, bird brain.

Oh.

Where's one in any way? I'm only wearing this to make her happy.

Although women do keep tickling me.

Angelina Jolie.

No. In the game. He's my starting quarterback.

I traded Zach Kurt Warner for him.

You tricked London into giving you Kurt Warner?

How could you?

It wasn't hard.

Look, she can't even crack open a peanut.

Open, open, open.

I command you.

Do that, diaper boy. Call me diaper boy again, and I'll twist you into a balloon

now. Oh, I'm so scared. What are you going to do? Hit me with your wittle

waddle?

talk below the center of mass.

Ooh, Newtonian mechanics.

Sweet!

Pretend this is a bully who just stole your lunchbox.

That is my...

You need to be gentle when catching the ball.

Oh, do you mean apply negative force to absorb the ball's kinetic energy?

I don't know. I fell asleep on page three of this book.

Feel that? Feel what?

Wow.

Here's a smoothie.

Did you spit in it?

Maybe.

Woody.

What are you doing still wearing that?

Found out I paid for an entire...

money's worth.

Ooh, a smoothie.

Great news, guys. I picked up a new quarterback.

Let me guess, Orlando Bloom?

Nope, Ben Roethlisberger.

He's got a good matchup against a depleted Lions secondary.

Their bend -over -cover -two schemes usually leave the middle of the field

open.

Just last week, you thought the New York Giants were actual giants.

bagger to help me out. Huh?

We're going to go to the store bagger and two -time NFL MVP.

Kurt Warner, how did you get here?

In a pink helicopter.

Please don't tell my teammates.

I'm so proud of you, Cody. You've been holding on to that ball for two days

straight. Yep, even in the shower. You know, it makes a surprisingly good

loofah.

Got off to a bit of a rough start when he bit my leg.

I spit it out.

Kurt, I'd like you to meet Cody. I've been coaching him. Hey, Cody, how you

doing? Hello, Mr. Warner.

I'm not too familiar with your work, but judging from your shirt's grade of

cotton, you must be quite successful.

Thanks. It's Egyptian.

Yes, it is. What do you say we check out if Kirby's as good a coach as he was a

player? Well, he'd have to be a miracle worker to teach Cody football.

He thinks touchdown is something you do when shopping for a duvet.

brother, Chase.

What do you say? Give me a post -rap.

You

know,

Cody, I never thought I'd say this, but nice catch, man.

Thanks, Zach.

What do you say we play a little game?

I called it.

You've got that grocery baggage thing to fall back on.

Hey, guys.

Just want to let you know we're dropping out of our fantasy football league.

Awesome. That means one of us gets the trophy. Not my trophy. I sold that thing

to buy a real football team.

You did? Which one?

The Arizona Cardinals. Oh, or should I say the Arizona...

We really got to talk about these uniforms.

You're right.

They need more sparkles!

Oh, the Raiders will make fun of us.

Wait till the team sees the skorts we have for away games.

Trust me, you don't want to see a lineman in a skort.