Original subtitles

That one's cute.

Yeah, yeah, she is.

Ah, check out her suitcase.

Luggage locks.

That means she's suspicious and cautious.

I'm looking for naive and vulnerable.

There's so much to learn from you.

Now focus. These girls are only here for a week.

Okay, okay. How about that one? Cute, blonde, nice legs.

And carrying a textbook.

Repressed bookworm, badly in need of a good time.

That's Cody.

Come along with me.

Let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now.

Bitch, have a way to win though. We say, hey ho, let's go.

This boat's rocking.

Ain't no stopping us now.

Cause we're living the sweet life. Oh, oh.

This boat's rocking. Oh, oh.

Rocking the whole world round.

And we're living the sweet life now.

Hey, ho.

Oh, oh.

Let's go.

The myth tipped in beauty pageant. This might be my greatest idea yet. And I

invented hoagie on a rope.

Yeah.

The meal dallion was inspired.

And this is going to be even better. See, all the girls will send in a photo

an application, making it easy to weed out the ones not worth pursuing.

Then, we just cancel the whole thing, and they'll never even know we were

involved. Come on.

No girl on earth is dumb enough to fall for this.

have a celebrity judge?

A celebrity? Who?

Yeah, who?

Little, little.

Marcus? Yeah, you know, little, little.

Regina, baby.

Regina, baby.

I'm gonna fight you. I'm gonna fight you.

I can explain.

You started a fake beauty pageant to meet girls and told them I'm judging to

make you seem legit?

Okay. You can explain.

All right, I'm in.

You are?

Just like that?

Yeah, it's a chance to meet cute girls.

And I assume you'll provide the perks I always get for a personal appearance?

I think we can do that.

Great, I have my people faxed over the list.

You don't have any people anymore.

You're my people. Go fax yourself.

Number four.

What is your ick?

That's IQ.

I'm going to win the Miss Tipton beauty pageant. Then I'll go on to Miss

America. And then Miss Universe.

And that one should be easy because aliens are ugly.

But that's my shelf.

Well, what do you need a tiara shelf for?

You enter a beauty contest, the only thing they'll put on your head is a

bag.

Well, I guess there's no danger of you winning Miss Congeniality.

Bailey, come quick. There's some eukaryotic algae blooming off the port

It's bilateral.

I have something a little more exciting than plankton.

I seriously doubt it.

I am entering the Miss Simpson beauty pageant.

Ah.

And to protest, you're going to undermine the entire event by wearing an

dress and avoiding all the trappings of conventional female beauty?

Excuse me?

Because that certainly is not going to work with that...

Super cute dress and your effortless good looks. I love you.

Look, I'm just sick of London always putting me down. If I beat her, she

have a leg to stand on.

I thought you'd find beauty pageants sexist and demeaning to women.

Pageants are about more than beauty.

You can win scholarships.

Plus, they judge you on talent, poise, personality.

Oh, I know.

I've been in a beauty pageant before.

You mean like for men?

me? When I met you, you were a dude.

Do you really think I can beat London?

With my help, absolutely.

Now, let's see your walk.

You want to see me walk?

Pretty sure I got this part down.

Okay, no.

We're trying to win a pageant, not audition for March of the Penguins.

Now, let's see you with your pageant shoes.

I do not walk like a penguin.

Please, any minute now I expect to see you sliding down a glacier on your

Oh, hey, look, I'm taller than you, just like last semester.

Just walk.

Bam, you're eliminated.

You have to own your shoes.

Except when you're bowling, right? Then you can rent your shoes.

Okay, less joking, more walking. Now, heel, toe, heel, toe. More smiling.

Dazzle me.

Yikes.

First the penguin, now the Joker. Someone should call Batman.

Take it easy, Capri. I can't believe they canceled the beauty pageant.

I know.

Darn them.

And you still would have won.

a wave.

Now how about we go get some dinner? I've got some cash burning a hole in my

pocket. Your money's on fire!

I love you.

There is an art to folding the pocket hanky. Now, do exactly what I do.

Gently caress the hanky as though caring for a wounded dove.

Then in one fluid motion, you...

in elegant haberdashery.

I am not in a good mood. And I am holding a class. Well, you will be

sign that says we'll manage for food.

Now, now, whatever it is you're upset about, I'm sure we can fix.

How dare you cancel the beauty pageant?

Beauty pageant?

No, no, no, no.

There's no beauty pageant.

Then why did every pretty girl on the ship hand in an application form with

their name, photo, and what they like in a...

Zack!

The pageant is canceled.

Oh, so I hear. I don't really keep up on events I had nothing to do with.

Don't even try it. I know everything.

Uh, yeah?

What number am I thinking of?

Pizza.

Wow.

A fake beauty pageant? I mean, this is a new low, even for you, Zach.

Is that what these two...

Mr. Celebrity Judge.

I mistook you for stylish and jaunty.

Jaunty?

Mr. Mosby, chill.

We've seen the error of our ways, and that's why we put this whole incident

behind us and canceled the whole thing.

It's too late. Now I have a bunch of disappointed girls on my hands.

Oh, come on. Can't be the first time.

contestants from your pageant, which, by the way, I'm uncanceling.

Really? Mm -hmm. And the three of you will be the judges of those girls.

Really? Let's not get too excited, because you will be responsible for

cleanup, and if the girls get nervous, throw up.

Really? Mm -hmm.

And to be impartial, there will be absolutely no contact of any kind with

the girls.

before, during, or after the pageant.

Really?

Really.

All right. Now that the pageant's back on, we have to make up for lost

time. Let's have a look -see.

Gown is perfect.

Hair's a little high. Just don't stand under any ceiling fans.

And this petroleum jelly on my teeth tastes gross.

But it makes it impossible to stop smiling.

And you have such a beautiful smile.

Really? Yeah, and a good thing, too. Helps draw the eye away from your poor

posture.

I do not have poor posture.

Oh, please. You look like you should be ringing a bell at Notre Dame.

Uh -huh.

All right, perfect.

Let's talk talent.

Got it covered.

I'm going to be singing a song that I wrote.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

You know what would go really well with this? What? A sash that says loser.

Everyone's going to sing. It's so common. You need to do something that no

girl would ever think of doing.

You mean like be your girlfriend?

Oh, well then I guess I just won't be your coach anymore.

Good. Fine.

I'll win this pageant without you. You'll see.

I won't see because I'm not going.

I really wish I could stop smiling.

Straighten up now.

I wish I could. I got a knot in my back that stops with a guinea pig.

Ow! Okay, you know, I told you guys, I can't sew.

I mean, there's more blood on those sashes than there is on my body.

Isaac, I hear you're judging the pageants.

I would be so grateful if I won.

to fraternize until the third date.

This stinks.

I haven't talked to a girl in a month.

We've only been working the pageant for two days.

Yeah, what's your point?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Mischief Didn't...

the most beautiful girls on the cruise.

And they're lined up for you all to peruse.

And they're here for a very good reason.

We have discount travel often.

Now the dresses they wear are so chic.

They're for sale in the cruise ship boutique. Two for $99 .50. How close are

spa is first rate?

If you'd like to make a reservation, just dial 8.

The most beautiful girl.

Hey, when I see him, I dip him.

Winner of the evening gown competition, obviously Capri.

Are you crazy?

London's dress is made of silk, interwoven with 200 carats of rare pink

diamonds. Plus, she called me her little boo -boo.

And thus, by balancing classic Keynesian economics with the best of Malthusian

theory, we can decrease third world debt while increasing our... gross domestic

product.

Boring.

I love puppies.

Okay, London. If you could have any historical figure for dinner, who would

be and why?

Good question.

But I would not have anyone for dinner because I feel that eating people is

wrong.

It just seems gross.

Okay, it's not exactly the answer we were looking for. Oh, fine.

Santa Claus.

I bet he tastes like candy canes and pudding.

Let's continue

the talent portion of our competition.

Capri's up next. I bet her talent's hot.

My talent is shopping.

I can order up anything and have it show up in seconds.

What color boots should I buy?

MC Mosby.

Come on, let's hear it for her.

Now, please welcome Bailey Pickett.

Hi, y 'all.

For my talent, I'm going to sing a little song I wrote.

I was born on a farm where my mom left the cattle.

I could ride a tractor before I could ride a bike My very first

date took me to the theater That boy's biggest dream was to grow the best tater

But I wanted to be much more than a farmhand's wife So I packed up my bag

and I headed for the water They all waved goodbye to their little farmer's

daughter I was set in sail for the best time of my life

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

We're deadlocked. Plus we can't agree.

for a girl who bribed you with money?

Yeah!

Well, now that you've got your money, you can vote for the most brilliant, the

most beautiful, and the most talented contestant.

Thank you, Cody.

I was talking about Bailey.

I guess you were right.

You didn't need my coaching after all.

No, I just needed to believe in myself.

But it sure helped that you came to support me.

turned out rather well.

Even if it did start out as a depraved scam to meet girls.

Damn.

Did you fake this whole thing just so you guys could check us out?

Sure, now she gets smart.

Oh, come on. We didn't even have a swimsuit competition.

You know what?

You're right.

Maybe we should have...

hearts and souls to me