Original subtitles

Guys, I just heard the most amazing news. You'll never, ever, ever guess

is. Never, ever. Guess what?

The Swedish bikini team came on board and the lotion boy missed the boat.

Why do you always guess that? Because if I say it enough, one day it might

really happen.

Judging by your level of excitement, I can only assume that botanists have

successfully cross -pollinated the rhododendron with the periwinkle,

the rhodo -winkle?

Uh, no.

Yes! Then the race is still on.

I think I'm guessing.

Jordan Sparks is on the boat. Jordan Sparks?

I love her. I voted for her like a hundred times on Idol. What?

Oh, Margaret, Jordan Sparks is on the boat. Can you please get me an

Sparky? Yeah. No.

Well, why not?

Well, the last time I saw her, I was hanging out with Fergie and Flo Rida.

And now I'm hanging out with you guys.

Miss Sparks, it is such an honor to have you on board.

And he's embarrassed by us.

Thank you so much for doing a couple of concerts for our guests.

Yeah, well, how could I say no after you sent the flowers, the muffin basket,

and the toy replica of the S .S. Simpson, which is so awesome in the

the way.

Yes, the toy boat is always a deal closer.

Plus, it'll give me a chance to try out some material for my new album. Oh, and

there's no better place to be creative than a peaceful cruise.

Leave Miss Sparks alone or I will cut you up and throw you out the sewage

And I thought Simon was mean.

people see.

We must maintain an aura of dignity.

London,

what are you doing?

I had a contest on gay me starting London Tipton for a viewer to come on

ship for a week and be best friends with me. Here, here in charge of confetti.

the t -shirt that says, Yay me!

talk to Jordan and pull a few strings. We could have gotten front row seats.

only string I'm pulling is this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special

guest performer tonight and I know you are as excited as I am. Well, maybe not

quite as excited because I can't feel my feet.

They do tend to swell up in the humidity. Jordan Sparks!

of all again

Regulant compound.

Call publisher.

Cody, I need your help. I'm doing homework.

Yeah, but this could actually get us ahead in life.

Let's write a song for Jordan Spark's new album.

You can't just sit down and write a hit song.

Why not?

You write all those sappy poems to Bailey, put one to music, and bam, it's

hit.

Bailey does love my poems, and so will all the other women in the world for a

buck twenty -nine download.

You're right.

I'm in. Let's do it.

Mmm.

I got it.

A love song.

Oh, good idea.

All right, you noodle with that and I'll go get us some snacks.

on our song we are just about done i love collaborating with you let me

hear it like water flows or falls from

above you shower me with a feeling of love

if you leave me i'll soon realize that's so

constriction we'll start in

We'll soon set in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Hypovolemia?

Yeah, it's what happens when your blood gets dehydrated. If not treated

properly, your eyes can crust over and fall out of your head.

Yeah.

I'm thinking we should get a professional to look at this.

You mean a hematologist?

No, I mean a musician.

Maybe we should run this past Marcus.

Why? Because he's won a Grammy.

And you rhymed windy with kidney.

I'll have the ahi tuna salad dressing on the side. No chives. Extra ginger.

And I'll have the ahi tuna salad dressing on the side. No chives.

Extra ginger.

Wow, we have the same taste.

We have so much in common. Except I'm way richer than you.

I'm sorry, but we just are the last tuna to that gentleman.

If there's anything else on the menu, I'd... What menu?

She wants tuna!

But we're... Don't say out!

You know, the flounder is extremely... Why?

that waiter?

She's just trying to get my order.

Isn't she sweet?

Okay, that girl is more unbalanced than a three -legged pig on a frozen pond.

Bailey, Bailey, Bailey, you're just jealous because you don't have a fan who

loves you as much as Alyssa loves me.

She's like a little angel.

find you falling from my eyes.

So what did you think?

Not bad. A couple of minor comments.

I'm all ears.

Well, your hook is weak, the melody is off, and the tempo is slower than a

with a limp.

Minor comments.

Remember, all ears. Happy ears.

Look, a hit song needs to reach out and grab people by the gut.

Like, um,

That's the sound the garbage disposal makes when there's a spoon in it.

You're telling me about music? It just so happens that I've played the French

horn since kindergarten.

I think I know what I'm talking about.

I won a Grammy and played Madison Square Garden. I win!

Guys, guys, guys, come on. It's just some creative differences.

And that's to be expected.

And, Cody, you can't be so defensive.

I'm not being so defensive.

I just don't want to take advice about the music biz from someone who got

out of it.

Or should I say, boo -da -boo -da -bapt out of it.

I'm going to boo -da -boo -da -bapt you upside the head.

You know, hearing it this much, it is kind of catchy.

Whose side are you on?

Whichever side will make me money.

Well, I'm not going to sell out. But you're telling me you won't sell

This is from the brilliant mind behind Retainer Baby.

That song went triple platinum. Because they gave it out in cereal boxes.

I was trying to sneak a carob -covered kiwi from your fruit basket.

I can't believe Cody said this.

Why? Is something misspelled?

No, he just seemed so mad before.

Oh, well, I'm going to go thank him.

No, no, no, no, no. I think the best way to thank him would be for us to make

that song a hit.

Starting with that boo -da -boo -da -bat thing, huh?

Huh? Oh, yeah, we got to have a beat. All right, well, you noodle with that

beat while I go get us some snacks.

You just go in there and give her the song.

No. I mean, I never liked it when people shoved their songs at me. I want the

music to speak for itself.

All right.

Ahem.

Hit it.

Like water flows, falls from above, you shower me

with a...

What are you doing?

We're trying to get Jordan to hear our song.

Our song?

And by the way, thanks for sending me the fruit basket.

I didn't send you a fruit basket.

But Zach said... Okay, I can

explain. Just give me a second to come up with something.

the hook and the beat.

You made it better.

she trick you? She said, get in the closet.

And I fell for it.

Now, I'm starting to think that Alyssa's a little creepy.

Come on.

Let's go, amigos.

Now, we have to get to Jordan before the show starts.

Not just because you're on a boat.

You guys are going to clap no matter what I say, aren't you?

Jordan, I love you!

Great. We missed her. No, that's okay.

We'll play it for her after the show.

I'd like to start with a new song. I'm not really sure who wrote it, but as

as I perform it, maybe the writer will come forward.

Oh, your mustache is crooked.

It's fine.

Guys, guys, guys.

Listen. Jordan is singing our song.

closet is trying to steal my astrology.

Identity. That too.

Arrest her. I'm London Tipton and she's trying to steal my identity.

Okay, what is going on here?

I'm London Tipton. Oh, no, you're not. I am.

Prove it. When's your birthday?

Really,

London?

Security. I'm going to call daddy and get you all fired.

Hey, you got to admire her.

You guys wrote this song?

Yes. Yes.

See?

Marcus?

Marcus Little?

What are you doing playing in a mariachi band?

I'm not.

This is just a disguise.

Although the tips are fantastic.

Well, listen, I emailed you a whole bunch of times and I never heard

back. Sorry, I guess after my record label dunked me, I was just a little

embarrassed.

I love the song you guys wrote.

Thanks.

So, let's talk about putting it on my new album.

Yes! And it's going to be very special because I'm going to donate all the

proceeds to charity.

No!

and I'm sure she understands me completely.

I'm taking care of my illicit problem.