Original subtitles

Close your eyes.

And enter.

Okay,

you can open your eyes now.

Ta -da!

Welcome to the greatest bachelor pad afloat.

Add pizza and a big pile of meringue, I would never

leave.

You got it. I invited Tiffany down to play some foosball.

Nothing impresses a girl like romantic music and tiny plastic men in shorts.

Ooh, cool chair.

Ooh, and it reclines. Press this button.

You know what? I think I know what the problem is. Here, let me help you.

Sorry,

I didn't realize you had company.

Possibly. Sweet mama, you're a good tipper.

Right this way.

Sure, it's not as luxurious as what you're used to, but holy makeover, what

happened in here?

Not bad.

And how did you know I love foosball?

Oh, but who doesn't? I mean, there's a ball, and then you foos it.

Oh, that's my old recliner. I wonder what that's doing in here.

That's the reason.

Hey, hey.

Excuse me.

What are you doing in my room?

Your room? No. This is my room.

Really? You see, because I've lived here for a year and a half.

is to make a short but precise throw aimed just above the bullseye so that

dart's parabolic trajectory will take it directly to its mark.

That's a bullseye. If you were trying to hit Margaret's mole.

I suppose you can do better?

Well, I can try. Although I've never really played darts before.

board like this one, but one summer our screen door broke and we used darts to

get rid of the flies.

You killed flies with darts?

No! I didn't have the heart to kill them, so I just winged them and set them

free.

Want to play another game? Nope.

I mean, the nerve of this guy. He takes half of my dresser, half of the

bathroom, and one of the two beds.

to that room.

No, you didn't. You just somehow convinced Mosby that Bailey was a girl,

got stuck with a stupid roommate.

I'm stupid?

This from the girl who got trapped on a stalled escalator.

Help! The magic stairs are broken!

Hey! It was a terrifying 48 hours.

No, terrifying is having some creepy...

to have a new roommate.

Marcus, I'd like you to meet London, Woody, Bailey, and Cody, my clone, which

why he has no personality.

Hi, Marcus.

Nice to meet you.

Zach, I was looking at my class schedule.

Where it says lunch, do we actually eat?

Or is that a class where we learn about lunch?

It's where we eat.

Where did you live before?

Well, um, here, there, and everywhere.

What's everywhere like this time of year?

Warm, but breezy.

You know, you remind me of someone.

Well, Denzel and I get that all the time.

See ya.

See, there's something weird about that guy.

He's moved around a lot. He's evasive.

He's in the witness protection program. Probably a mob kid.

Woody,

he doesn't exactly look like a wise guy.

Well, that's the point. They give you a whole new look.

Yeah, but that doesn't explain why he's never seen a high school schedule.

Well, he's probably been homeschooled. Like my cousin, the pit snoggle.

Although, there's 23 of them, so it's just like going to a regular school.

Of course, the prom was creepy.

what you're looking for?

Nope.

Uh, here it is.

Mind if I borrow this?

Ebony sheen.

Yeah.

For when it gets humid outside, my hair.

Woo!

Look, if there's something you want to know about me, just ask.

Are you in the witness protection program?

No, but my mom's a cop and my dad's a judge. Touch my stuff again, I'll get

arrested and locked up with one phone call.

Gotcha.

King Pong table.

Want to play?

Sure.

Here you go.

That's okay.

I've got King Pong.

Wow. That's almost as cool as your custom -made pancake flipper. Count

Let's play.

I could, uh, I could slow it down if you want me to. Oh, no.

Don't go easy on me.

And I won't go easy on you.

Don't tell me. You also swatted flies with ping -pong paddles.

No.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hey, Addison.

Oh, nothing.

Just playing a game of ping pong with Cody.

Oh, Addison says hi.

Hey.

Hey, if you want to take a break, it's okay with me.

I don't need a break.

I wish that wasn't hot tea.

Wow, London.

You're really into this game.

No, I'm just testing my earrings for dangliness.

another fish down your shorts? Yes, but that's not why I'm here.

I know who Zach's roommate really is.

Who?

Marcus Little is Grammy -winning recording sensation Lil' Little.

I loved him! I slept on him every night.

Huh?

Oh, I had a sheet.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure. Though they could have been Gary Coleman.

They were pretty faded.

Mama bought him at a swap meet.

I was talking to Woody.

I found him on the internet.

Check it out.

Recognize anybody?

I knew I'd seen him before.

We used to eat at TV dinners.

Lil' Little Vittles.

I can't believe I didn't recognize him. Well, maybe because Lil' Little isn't so

little anymore.

You guessed it.

And that's why my record label dumped me.

So now you know who I am.

Happy?

Wow, a rock star and in the witness protection program?

She led a full life.

Hey, Marcus, I know you're upset, but it doesn't mean you have to leave.

Oh, I'm not.

These are your clothes.

I just want to start off fresh.

Once people figure out who I am, they start asking for favors and all sorts of

other stuff.

Autographs, pictures, tickets to concerts.

Can you get me in to see Beyonce? You mean B? Yeah. No.

No, you know what?

I get it.

You're tired of having people ask you how cool it was to be a rock star.

Exactly.

So how cool was it?

It wasn't all perks, believe me. It was hard work, late nights. long road trips,

then waking up and doing it all over again the next morning.

So, it wasn't fun having all those girls throw themselves at you?

Well, now that part was fun.

And it wasn't great making all that money?

No, the money was good, too.

So I'm having a little trouble seeing the downside here.

The downside is I never got to be a kid and hang out with other kids.

Well, Marcus, heaven's light has shined upon you once again.

It already has. brought you to me.

Okay, now I'm not seeing the upside.

We are going to have 15 years of childhood fun in one day. Starting now,

your diapers.

What's fun about that?

When you jump in the pool, they pump up.

Hey, Cody, I'm tired of playing all these silly games.

Me too.

That's why I've entered us in a serious competition.

All right.

Boys and girls, time for a little Simon Says.

What's next?

Duck, duck, goose?

You'd like that, wouldn't you, farm girl?

London? Who's Simon?

I am.

But I thought you removed me.

No, I was twin brother Simon.

So if you say to do something, am I supposed to do it? Look, if Simon says

you do it. If not, you don't. What is this, Chaz? It's so complicated.

Now put them down. Oh, London, you're out.

But wait, Simon said it. No, he didn't. But he's Simon, and he told me to put my

hands down.

Yeah, but I didn't say Simon says put your hands down. Ah, see?

Well, I don't see, because Simon didn't say see. See?

Howard was a wonderful grandfather and father and husband.

As an avid sailor, he wanted nothing more than to spend eternity...

Pennsylvania. Which one has vampires?

Wait, wait, wait.

Why are we throwing water balloons at one of the hottest girls on the boat?

Because when you're nine years old, girls have cooties.

We're 12 now, and it's all about sports.

When do I get to care about girls?

We're actually doing this to impress girls. We just don't know that yet.

So, let's play a little three -on -three.

Hey, London, I love the Spangles.

Marcus, snap out of it. We're not into girls till after dinner. Hey, I'm mature

fast, and I'm guarding London.

Against Marcus, Bailey, and Woody. All right, a little help, a little help, a

little help.

Yeah, let's go.

All right, London, take the ball out and pass it to me.

to take you to the hole.

I think I got most of you, Howard.

Can we have Howard on our team instead of Cody?

Wow, Zach, who knew practical jokes could be this much fun?

Hey,

what do you think will happen when the girls do the sit and splash?

really get rid of this evidence uh where should we put it

second best and you will be happy to know that now we're 15 and

we're into girls finally by the way tiffany my true love

of the week would go crazy over an autograph from little little

oh yeah she's a big fan and she will love it and more importantly she'll love

I got this little puppy off of the Internet.

Signed it, Big Big Hugs from Little Little.

It's clever, huh?

I should have known better.

Known what?

The only reason you hung out with me today was so you could use me just like

everyone else.

That's not true.

Oh, yeah? So you don't care if I don't give you the autograph?

Absolutely not.

Get what?

This was my whole life.

Little, I know you're eating, but please, can you just sign this picture?

Little, I know we're in church, but please, can you just sing that song?

Little, I know you just broke your leg on a skiing trip, but please, can you

just bust that move?

People always want something.

You know what? You were much cooler when you were seven.

You seem to be having a wonderful time today. I knew you would enjoy being on

this ship.

Next port, I want off.

What did Zack do?

He wanted me to give him an autograph for some girl.

That's it?

None of you get this. He was using me.

Zack uses everybody.

Yeah, well, that's all I ever got when I was little.

And that's what I came on here to get away from.

I can't believe he pretended to be my friend.

Okay, all right, look.

Markets. I know that Zach has some faults.

A lot of faults.

More than there are stars in the heavens.

On a crystal clear night.

From the highest point in the... Speaking of point, can we get to yours?

My point is that Zach wouldn't steal toilet seats with just anyone.

You know he did that?

I do now.

You are good.

Look, Marcus.

I know this must be a difficult transition for you, but you have to

Oh, no. It's easy being a has -been at 15.

Look, you're not a has -been.

You are a yet -to -be.

You think?

Oh, I know.

Just because your career as Little Little is over for you, it doesn't mean

over for your fans.

I mean, you can't really blame them for wanting your autograph.

You're one of them, aren't you?

I do it to the treadmill every morning. I do boop, boop, boop. And then I walk

to retainer, baby.

Hey, baby, retainer, baby. I require that wire.

Say little, little. Say little, little. Say little, little. And then you do the

little, little.

Say little, little. Okay, okay, okay.

If I give you autographs, will you stop? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Just sign it to Marion.

Is that your mother?

Yes, yes, it is. Okay.

Hey, Tiffany.

I got something for you.

You see?

Little Little signed it just like I promised.

That's not how he spells his name.

And I recognize your handwriting from Tutwiler's gallery of fake doctor's

By the way, you can't donate a brain and live.

Okay, okay. I can explain.

I want to sign it in person for my buddy Zach.

Thanks, buddy. Ah, don't mention it.

Well, I better get out of here. That way, when she wakes up, she'll settle

you. Marcus, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I might also need a signed CD.

You got it. I'm gonna throw in a lunchbox, too.

Here. I thought you did use an ice pack.

I can't believe I couldn't beat you at anything.

I'm really sorry you hurt your arm.

It's not your fault.

I was the one who kept trying to beat you at something.

Like it would prove my manliness.

You did one of the most important things.

In what world is a participant ribbon for Simon Says the most important thing?

I was talking about my heart.

Oh, that is good.

No more competition?

Agreed.

Race you to the juice bar!