Original subtitles

At the end of World War I, the Austro -Hungarian Empire was divided into eight

separate regions.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Hey, Donna, are you free tonight?

No.

Hey, Brandy, are you free tonight?

Hey, Chelsea.

Isn't texting great? You're supposed to spell stuff wrong.

I wish my thumbs weren't so big.

Class, for your midterm papers, I'd like everyone to pick an historical

royal figure and discuss their rise to power, accomplishments, and legacy.

And Zach, despite his name, King Kong is not technically royalty.

Zach? Huh?

Zach?

Who are you texting?

You're all doing it? No using your phones unless there is an emergency.

London, the fact that you think my makeup is kind of clowny, It is not an

emergency.

at the Tanaka Family Reunion.

You'll never pass as a Tanaka unless you're a family of sumo wrestlers.

What are you doing?

I'm playing Better Life.

It's a virtual world where you can travel around and meet other people and

property. You can do all that in the real world.

Not in your underpants.

Most of the kids in the school have avatars in Better Life.

Mine happens to be on the arcade.

Why does your character have a lizard tail?

Dude, it's called better life.

I can hold a drink and a sandwich and still scratch my butt.

Cool. Can I write your paper for Miss Totweiler's class?

Oh, no.

Is that due tomorrow?

Oh, I completely forgot. I'm never going to be able to finish it in time.

Maybe I can get a note from my virtual doctor.

I know.

I can go on the computer.

Access Cody's files and use one of his old papers.

Oh, Cody won't like that. He's into recycling.

Password. Let me think.

Bailey?

Well, at least he changed it from, I miss mommy.

Who can tell me what they know about the Kaiser?

If you want your pastrami on it.

an extra dollar.

She means the Kaiser of Germany.

Oh, an extra euro.

London, I said no texting in class.

OMG, Chelsea.

Fuddy -duddy -tuddy just totally chewed me out.

to go to an airport with you.

You're not getting these back for a week.

My babies.

Mommy will miss you. Take good care of them. Make sure you charge them.

Wait, Zach.

Hold on a second.

I want to talk to you about the term paper you turned in.

Yeah.

Some of my best work, wouldn't you say?

Actually, yes.

The paper was quite well written.

By me?

That's what concerns me.

Particularly this paragraph in the middle here.

I'm terrified of bananas.

I imagine them chasing me, gnashing their fangs and growling.

It's gotten so bad I can't sleep.

Please help.

Does that not belong in a paper about...

something to be taken lightly.

Now, I want you to see Mr.

Blanket, the school counselor, here at three o 'clock.

Do I at least get an A on the rest of the paper?

Oh, I'm not going to grade it until we see if you get put in.

Don't tell me you're into that stupid fake world, too.

You're stupid!

Better life is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My BL character,

Brock Worthington, is rich, handsome, adventurous.

I have tons of friends. All the girls are easy to talk to.

Oh, and you're not there bothering me!

Hey, Cody.

I have something for you.

What did you think I'm afraid of bananas?

You stole my fifth grade paper on Louis XIV.

How did you know?

I always bury one bizarre paragraph in each of my papers before I archive them.

Just to foil thieving slime like you.

So you have no banana issues?

Please. If anything, I admire the banana for its hearty protective peel and

abundance of potassium.

But you can read all about that in my award -winning second grade paper, The

Yellow Miracle.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

Now Miss Tumpweiler is making me see Mr.

Blanket because she thinks I have emotional problems.

I've been saying that for years.

Well, yeah, but I'm not afraid of bananas.

Well, then I guess you'll just have to admit that you cheated and take your

punishment like a man.

You know what I think about it?

The banana is kind of creepy.

It's like a giant infected demon claw.

to occupy your idle hand.

How's about some thumb wrestling?

How's about not?

Come on, it'll be fun.

Ready?

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war.

That is some thumb.

You are a good person.

You are of value.

You need to trim your nose hair.

Mr. Blanket, I'm Zach.

Ah, yes.

Mr. Tutwiler told me about your problem with bananas.

Ah!

Sorry, bananas.

Ah!

Please have a seat so we can do a few simple tests.

I'm going to ask you what you think about these pictures.

I think you should have painted them with the lights on.

No, they're ink blots, ambiguous images.

What you see will help us understand what you're feeling inside.

I feel that you're a terrible artist.

I didn't paint them!

Now, what do you see?

That's a banana.

Making one of its scary faces right before it eats you.

Okay.

What about this one?

A bunch of bananas.

Getting ready to make me slip on them.

And this?

I see a woman.

Oh, good, good.

Stabbing me with a banana.

I've helped kids with many fears.

Flying, spiders, flying spiders, clowns, the dark, soup,

ping pong balls.

But I don't think I've ever heard of anyone with your particular phobia.

Well. As you can see, my fear is very real. So just sign this card and give me

hug or whatever it is you do and we'll go our separate ways.

No, no, no. I will not rest until I have helped you overcome your fear.

Even if it takes many sessions and countless hours, we will not stop until

squashed this banana problem.

Countless hours, huh?

Believe in me, Zach.

The blanket method has helped many, many kids.

for days at least get up and stretch okay okay i guess i could take a break

while brock's busy at the gym oh i can't move my

legs what is so appealing about better life everything

my character even has a girlfriend now and she is hot she's not

She happens to be a student here at Seven Seas High.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Beats me. I only know her by her BL name, Peaches LaRoy.

I think it might be in love.

You can't be in love. It's not even a relationship.

You're right.

It's better.

All my real -life relationships have ended in disaster.

I mean, that's why with Peaches, if I screw up, I can just delete myself and

start over.

Still, you can't even kiss her.

Sure I can.

Just hit K. Watch.

Oops. Kissing is alt -K.

Well, I mean, you deserved that one.

That's a little boring.

Plus, a cat would never fit in here.

None of your stupid hand hobbies are working. Not the thumb wrestling, not

shadow puppets, not the hand bone. Hand bone, hand bone, he's so funny.

Too bad, because you've got rhythm.

I have to text Chelsea.

I need a cell phone.

London, that's a calculator.

Okay,

look. If you're so desperate to communicate with Chelsea, there are

Write her a letter.

Go to the ship's library and check out a book on handwriting.

A book?

How did you get into this school?

Daddy bought it for me.

Still.

Okay, Zach.

The best way to overcome a phobia is to slowly desensitize yourself to the thing

that you fear.

Come on!

See, Zach?

Bananas aren't scary.

They're not dangerous. They can't hurt you. Ow!

Are you okay, Mr. Blanket? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Good thing I'm not afraid of knitting needles.

Now I want you to touch it.

Touch the banana.

Good. See?

No reason to be afraid.

You're right.

Externalizing your fear.

Oh, don't you worry. I'm sure later this evening I'll externalize it.

No, our work here has just begun.

We need to find the root cause of your banana phobia.

Perhaps it stems from a traumatic experience you had as a child.

No. No, I don't think so. I had a great childhood. I got to do whatever I

wanted. So your parents never pressured you at all?

No. My brother Cody, though...

He took all that pressure off of me. What with all those honor classes and

extracurriculars and award ceremonies with the mayor.

I just sat on my tree stump, jamming out on a frying pan drum.

Oh, I see.

Well, only figuratively, of course, because I think that banana detached my

retina.

Sorry I kicked you in the face the other day, Peaches. I was trying to kiss you.

Virtual doctor's appointment.

I'm getting angel wing.

You're already my angel.

Woody. Woody.

Down here.

Cody? Yeah.

I've been trying to talk to you for days.

This is the only way I could reach you. Why are you a kitty cat?

I clicked the wrong box, okay? And they charge an extra activation fee just to

change... Never mind.

Aw, you're so cute.

Don't you dare alt -k me.

you want to tell me? I'm worried about you.

You can't live your whole life in here.

Don't you want to meet Peaches and find out who she really is?

Well, sure, but what if she's disappointed in the real me?

Look, you may not be as conventionally handsome as Brock, but you're fun and

cuddly. Do you really think so?

Absolutely.

Maybe you're right. I mean, none of us ever thought you'd get a girlfriend.

And now you've got Bailey who's way out of your league.

Sorry, did that hurt your feelings?

No.

Hairball.

I'm going to make a date with peaches in the real world.

Hey, broseth. Did you know that I'm running a business here? And if you

play, you don't stay.

Goal!

And even... The ham bone didn't help London.

Really? But the ham bone always works.

That's how I quit biting my nails.

Ham bone, ham bone, went to school to learn himself the golden rule.

Every time. I know.

Look, guys, I just finished my letter to Chelsea.

Wow. London, this isn't handwriting. This is calligraphy. It's art.

It is lovely.

So you're not insulted that I called you a yam -faced yokel?

but you wrote it so beautifully.

London, you have a gift.

Oh, oh, when did it arrive? Who is it from? I hope it's diamonds.

And to think this talent would have gone unnoticed had I not confiscated your

cell phones last week.

Hey, it has been a week, hasn't it? See, you barely made it.

gonna have her do my Christmas cards.

week in better life?

That was Brock.

He's a great conversationalist.

I wish I was Brock.

You are Brock.

It's so much easier in better life.

You need to forget about better life and find a way to make your real life

better. But Brock is... Brock is a collection of pixels. You're a real man.

It's a very soft center.

Zach, I think I'm finally starting to see the real you.

Where are you?

Still over here, sir.

Ah.

Thought I heard movement.

Anyway, Zach, I figured this out.

You're not afraid of bananas. You're here because of your brother.

Look, I can explain.

No need. You grew up in the shadow of an overachieving brother, always feeling

unwanted and unloved, if you will.

second banana okay this sort of thing

produces a fight or flight reaction and so far you have been fleeing it's time

to face

being compared to you.

How do you think I feel? You've always been better at sports and girls and had

more friends than me.

Academics is the one place I can excel and be my own person.

Not just Zach's nerdy brother.

I didn't know you felt that way.

I didn't know you felt that way either.

I'm sorry, man.

Me too.

I'm so glad you said yes.

You look really pretty tonight at a, I mean, peaches.