Original subtitles

I'm ready for Thailand.

So, if we were in Poland, you'd be carrying a 10 -foot pole? Yep.

I'm so excited to finally meet my grandmother.

And I am so honored that you feel close enough to invite me to your room.

Yeah, don't let those touch the ground. Okay, now, I want to make a good

impression on my grandmother, so try not to humiliate me with your boring farm

talk. Yay!

Yeah, like that.

So my grandmother and I are going to be BFFWAOPs.

Best friends forever with an old person.

Give me G -I -T -C -B -M -A -F -O.

Get in the cab before my arms fall off.

Come along with me.

Let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now.

Whichever way the wind blows We say, hey ho, let's go This boat's rockin'

Ain't no stoppin' us now Cause we're livin' the sweet life

see any mansions around here. Are you sure you're reading the map right?

I'm pretty sure.

Then again, not much oxygen is getting to my head right now.

Oh!

Excuse me, commoner. I am looking for the Tatum Song estate.

London?

I'm your kunyai!

Bailey, why is this person wrinkling my tie?

Kunyai means grandmother.

This is your Grammy.

Kunyai!

I've been looking forward to this for many minutes. You look just like your

mother. So beautiful.

Thank you. And I'm sure you are, too, under that bamboo satellite dish.

Um, I'm Lyndon's friend, Bailey.

Sawatika. Sawatika.

I'm so happy to have you here at my home.

Don't you mean servant's quarters?

No, this is where I live.

Gravitational irrigation system?

No way. That's been on my Christmas list for, like, ever.

So, London, isn't this wonderful?

You come from farm stock just like me.

She always does that when she's happy.

Hi, Bailey.

It's me, Cody.

This is my missing you diary. Day one, hour one.

I miss you a lot.

and have to rewind and reshoot that.

Oh, then I did you a favor.

Oh, hey, babe at 10 o 'clock. Get lost, gossip girl.

Hello.

Uh, the strawberry banana swirl is out of this world.

And so am I.

So, you're an alien?

Yes. Take me to your leader.

Or I'll take you on a date. Your call.

She's from Highland Park. I'm from Oak Park.

So, Highland Park, is that far from Wrigley Field?

Well, it all depends on traffic. See, if you jump on the L and then you take a

left and then you take a right... Would you excuse me for just one second?

I miss you more than the particle beams missed each other at the Large Hadron

Collider since its superconducting magnets were damaged in September 2008.

Wait.

I need your help with a girl.

I'm not going to help you impress another girl with an important call from

Navy SEAL commander.

No, I like to keep that one in reserve.

No, I need you to occupy Chatty Cathy over there while I work the Zach magic

her friend.

Well, I can't talk to a girl.

I'm with Bailey.

Say hi to Bailey.

You don't even need to talk.

Besides, with this girl, you won't get a word in edgewise.

Cody, Cody, Hillary.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

Sparks.

All right, Sasha, let's give these two lovebirds some space.

Cody, what's with the camera? Are you a director or something?

Well, actually, I'm making a video about how much I miss Bailey.

She's my girl. Dog.

Girl dog?

She's at obedience school right now.

Learning to do what people ask her to do.

London, wake up.

I just had the worst nightmare. My grandmother was a farmer and lived in a

house.

It's a dream inside a dream.

Oh, London, I'm so glad you feel better. I brought you a snack.

I made some jinglid.

Mmm.

Tastes like french fries.

Yeah, they're delicious.

That's because they are fresh.

I cooked them.

Mayor Bun.

That's pretty.

What does it mean?

Cleaning lady and the lazy one at that.

Cleaning lady. Maybe we are related.

Well, I have a lot of fun things planned for your visit. Starting with planting

rice.

The only planting I do is my butt on the couch.

beside your grandmother will give you a chance to connect with her.

And me a chance to check out that sweet rotary hauler.

Hey, Doctor.

Oh, hey, Doc.

Hey, tonight I'm working, but I wanted to know if tomorrow you'd like to go to

dinner. They're serving Thai food at the buffet.

I've missed you so much, I folded a towel in your image.

It took me six hours. Dude!

Oh,

man. He's drying his back hair with Bailey.

Sorry, sweetie.

Dude, I'm the man. I just scored us a double date with Sasha and Hillary.

tape over these things so many times before it affects the resolution?

I'm not going on your date.

All right.

I didn't want to have to play this card, but you cannot say no to being a

wingman. It's in the guy rulebook.

There's no guy rulebook. But there is.

It's called the guyble.

Nice try.

Don't make me call the guy authorities.

Still don't believe you.

You should read my favorite chapter.

save my life.

And my boot is stuck.

Here, let me take this.

I'm covered in mud.

Well, you go to the spa for mud baths all the time, right? What's the

difference? This one is dirty.

Not then.

No sitting down on the job.

Although it's been 16 hours, so we should bake for lunch.

You plow faster than my water buffalo.

You're pretty amazing yourself.

I'm wet. I'm tired. I think something's eating my foot.

You know, you remind me a lot of your mother.

She had trouble with her ABD, too?

No, she complained all the time, too. Now go wash up. Oh, where's the

I can't take this anymore.

Are you kidding?

That elephant's amazing. Wish we had a water pressure like this on the farm.

There we go. Good.

Missing you diary. Day two. Hour three. Minute.

Nineteen.

mom's video of you being potty trained what are you doing here and it better

be about that date no no no forget the date i realize how important this lame

video thing is to you and i want to help you with it that's great get out of my

room okay okay okay but you know i think bailey might appreciate it if you

dressed up a bit girls like that kind of stuff What are you doing?

Let's fix that hair. Pop that zit. No.

You see?

You look amazing.

Huh. I do look pretty good.

You know what?

I'm sorry I doubted you.

You really are a great brother.

I do what I can.

Who could that be?

What a complexion. Except for that one pesky blackhead. All right, let's go.

Let's go have some fun.

Easy. You're not scrubbing a pot.

I'll just blow it out.

Thank you, Mabon. And here's your tip. One peanut.

Hey, London.

Kunia and I are going down to the river to do some laundry. Come on. or all the

good rocks will be gone. I'm not going.

And stop trying to steal my grandmother.

London, I'm not trying to steal your Grammy.

You're pushing her away.

All Schaefer wants to do is play in the dirt.

Maybe if you quit turning your nose up at everything, you'd find something in

common with her.

You'll remember it.

What did you do?

Well, let's just call it an extreme hat makeover.

Now you can look like me, Kunyai.

London, this is very fancy, but I feel out of place.

Not for long.

is to give you a makeover.

Makeover?

Come on, you guys.

Just want to tweak your look a teensy little bit.

I don't want to recognize her when you're done.

I love eating with chopsticks.

I can use them all the time.

Me too.

As much fun as this has been, I have a ton of calculus homework to finish.

I love calculus.

What are we talking?

Integrals, derivatives.

Projective algebraic manifolds. You wouldn't understand.

Like the Riemann sphere?

Totally my favorite sphere.

I am captain of the Oak Park Mathletes.

Go Badgers!

On second thought, I can do it before class.

You know.

I got some math homework, too.

Maybe you can come to my cabin and tutor me?

Something tells me you already know too much.

Besides, I have to go to the ladies' room. Want to come?

Sure, I can study anywhere.

I meant Hillary.

Okay, be right back, Cody. Don't miss me too much.

Don't worry.

That's it.

apologize to Hillary and never speak to me again.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

I wouldn't leave if I were you.

Well, that is, of course, you want me to tell Bailey about your little date.

You wouldn't.

I think we both know I would.

I think my grandmother's really happy about our makeover. Don't you?

ridiculous. Too much bling.

If I wear all this in the rice patties, I will sink to my waist in mud.

Well, that's why I got you this brand new washer dryer.

And if you don't feel like wasting your time in the rice paddies, you can use

this.

Insta -Rite. Comes in a box and cooks in under a minute.

It's like magic moving pictures.

I know about the TV. I got rid of mine because I was wasting so much time

watching Thai Idol.

I still cannot believe they voted Arbentica.

Kunyai, how can you not want any of this?

Can't you see how much better it'll make your life? My life is wonderful the way

it is.

You eat crickets.

Crickets are very healthy.

Unless you eat the wrong one, then you die instantly.

But, Kunya, it's... Please, just take it away.

This stuff was expensive.

Expensive doesn't always mean better.

Oh, please.

This is something poor people tell themselves because they're not sad all

time.

No, money doesn't buy happiness. Oh, there's another one.

is a wonderful life. It brings you closer to nature.

I hate nature.

Why can't it be indoors?

Okay, my point is, until you learn to accept your grandmother's way of life,

you'll never connect with her.

Hmm. It's a little chilly out here, don't you think?

I'm a little chilly, too.

Maybe you should put your arm around me.

Actually, the proper way to fight hypothermia is to not... Okay.

Looks like you got a little something on your lip.

How embarrassing.

I'll go get a napkin.

Allow me.

Not you, Bailey.

You're dating your dog?

She's not my dog. She's my human girlfriend.

Then why is she at obedience school?

Okay, you're not getting this?

Zach, the truth is, I only went out with you so Hillary could spend time with

Cody. Wait a minute.

You're her wingman, and I'm the pathetic friend?

I'm sorry, Hillary.

You're a great girl, but I'm in love.

But not with me, right?

Oy.

So that video you're making is for your girlfriend?

Yeah. I'm doing the same thing for my boyfriend.

Isn't being in love great?

The best.

This one Valentine's Day?

Oh, yes, this was just a big waste of time.

It doesn't have to be. I mean, I prefer Cody, but I've said it before.

I'm not anybody's second.

Now what the heck?

London?

Are you working?

Yes, but please don't tell anyone.

A pickle brain?

No.

I'm just trying to say I'm sorry.

I even pulled out these nasty weeds.

That's the rice.

I can't do anything right.

No wonder you wish Bailey was your granddaughter, not me.

What? Are you crazy? I love you.

You do?

Of course.

Just the way you are.

I don't want to change you.

Please don't try to change me.

My eyebrows still hurt from all that plucking.

Sorry, Ian.

Sorry I messed up your eyes.

That's okay.

Your mother wasn't meant for farming either.

That's why she left.

Well, don't take it personally, but she doesn't like to hang around anywhere

very long.

But thanks to her, now I have...

And I'll always be here for you, Kunyai.

I mean, not here, here, because here's, you know, ugh.

But maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle. You know, like a three -star

hotel.

Deal. Deal.

So, I guess I'll take all this stuff out of here.

Maybe you can leave the high heels.

They are good for planting seeds.

you a pair too, but nothing is going to help those cankles.

Cody, I'm home.

Bailey. Oh, I missed you so much. I missed you too. I brought you something.

prior river. Now you can stop complaining about the ship's laundry and

clothes in the sink.

Ooh, a laundry rock.

There's even a smooth side for delicates.

Thanks, Bailey.

You're welcome.

Oh, I have something for you, too. I was working on it the whole time you were

gone. Oh.

Okay.

Press play.

Cody.

video of you being potty trained.