Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Shh. Come here.

I'm playing a prank on Woody. You see, yesterday, he salted my pudding cup. You

don't salt a man's pudding cup.

Men don't eat pudding cups.

So, when Woody sees the plate of free goodies, he'll pick it up. Which will

the fishing line. Which is attached to a bucket of freezing ocean water on the

upper deck. Which will plummet to the earth, getting said Woody soaking wet.

Which will make me laugh until I wet myself.

And yet, you never have time to do your homework.

What are you doing?

Zach's playing a prank on you.

Somebody's idea of a joke?

What is going on here?

Zach just drenched Becky Muldoon.

Uh -oh. She's captain of the wrestling team. The boys' wrestling team.

Who did this?

He did. This guy. Radio.

after I beat you into tiny zap pieces.

Miss Muldoon, will you please put him down?

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Mosby may have saved you for now, but meet me here at three o 'clock and bring

bandages.

That's just an act.

That's one heck of an act.

Yep.

Pillow to rest my weedle head on while everyone else takes the quiz.

Night mask to cover my weedle wife so I can nap while everyone else takes the

quiz.

And for later, a weedle fashion magazine to read since I'll have detention for

sleeping while everyone else takes the quiz.

London, you have to try a weedle harder.

Look, I told your father you would do better at school.

I am. I didn't fail anything last semester.

I got straight Ds.

Look, London, you have to do better. For my sake.

I just don't want to let your father down.

I mean, the last person that let your father down... Actually, we don't know

what happened to the last person that let your father down.

I miss Uncle Teddy.

Well,

don't worry, Mosby. If worse comes to worse, I can set you up with a new name

life in the Andes Mountains.

How do you feel about being a goat herder?

How would you feel if I took away your diamond polisher?

Just me?

I thought you were Becky coming to pummel me early.

Man, I've been so nervous today, I've already sweated through three shirts.

Me too.

What are you worried about?

Nothing.

But if you want to win the fight, I have a great move.

Okay, come at me.

What are you doing?

It's called the armadillo. It protects the face and all vital organs.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

Please follow me. Please follow me. Please follow me.

It's the armadillo.

Okay, define the placebo effect.

It's what happens when you give someone a sugar pill and tell them it's

medicine. And because they believe it will help them, it does.

Kind of like when your mommy kisses your boo -boo.

All I know is that you're my little boo -boo.

in here because Mosby told you to study in front of me?

No, we're just doing our homework.

Something you should try.

Why should I do your homework?

If we don't ask you to do our homework for us, will this conversation be over?

Look, I'm just not a very good student.

Oh, and don't blame me if Mosby goes missing.

I'm guessing Mr. Tipton threatened Mosby to get London's grades up.

I bet I could help her get at least a B on the final if she would just want me

to tutor her.

I'll take that bet.

You're on.

Please, better than you have tried.

Meaning you?

Yes, and I once taught a monkey to divide fractions and make a killer

tort. Is that monkey back?

Maybe.

London, have you ever marveled at how beautiful math can be?

Bailey, there are a few things I marvel at. A diamond the size of a cat.

A giraffe. made out of solid gold.

And? Me!

But math?

No.

These problems aren't that hard.

Okay, take this one.

Your bus leaves the station at... I would never take the bus.

I would take my private jet.

Why?

Your private jet leaves the bus station at 6 a .m.

He's the one driving me.

So let's assume that your chauffeur has gotten you to your private jet at, say,

noon. But you'll have lunch on the plane.

Goodie! Wait, what are we having?

Ah, so I see the tutoring is going well.

Bailey's an even worse teacher than you. I mean, you didn't teach me anything

either, but at least you gave me treats. Ah, study break!

Might as well give up now.

No. We still have time before that final. I know inside London there's a

girl screaming to get out.

Yeah, she's screaming, help, I'm trapped inside a dimwit.

Stop saying that. I just need to get her to focus.

Not gonna happen. Unless you got some magic potion.

Or a placebo.

Man, what am I gonna do?

You know, if I dodge Becky, everyone will think I'm a wimp.

But if I stay here and get my butt kicked by a girl, everyone will think

wimp.

If I kick her butt... Martin!

You know what I'm going to do to you?

This is your head now.

That's your head when I'm done with you.

I'm guessing kicking her butt isn't an option.

of getting in a tussle and making some poor crewman mop up my blood from the

deck. We just shake hands and let bygones be bygones.

You know what?

You're right. You're right. Put her there.

Does anyone else see a bright white light?

Grammy, is that you?

Look,

Becky, I have nothing against you. I've always...

Yeah. I did not pray to him.

Get close to you.

I've always admired you since I saw you punch out that jerk.

Really? Really.

You know, in fact, you might even say I have a crush on you.

Kind of like what your butt is doing to my rib cage.

want to go out with me?

Isn't it obvious?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

Why are they at eight?

Right after you help them raise the anchor.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wow.

When did you start liking Becky?

When my spine went through my chest.

some last -minute studying to do for this quiz.

Okay, let me see. A squared plus B squared equals... Uh, equals...

Oh, that's right.

C squared.

Magic perfume, what would I do without you?

Uh, Bailey?

Why are you thinking your perfume?

I'm gonna give you my secret weapon for doing well in school.

Perfume that smells like donkey?

It's made with special amino acids, vitamins, and minerals that, when

seep through the pores of your skin and act as a brain neuron enhancer.

Huh?

Stinky help you thinky.

It has smarticle particles?

Yes.

It'll make everything easier to understand and help you to focus. Oh,

be a better student?

Aren't the lights pretty?

Where?

Here.

For the fifth time tonight, please stop lifting me.

Sorry, have it.

Which reminds me, I have a big wrestling match this weekend.

I'm taking on a visiting team from the Ukraine.

Ah, dadgummit. That means I won't be able to see.

in the stands cheering me on with other guys' girlfriends.

Right?

So now I'm a girlfriend?

Which reminds me, I signed you up to bring the team snack.

Well, I have to go use the little girls' room.

Will you miss me?

I can't take this anymore.

I need to break up with Becky.

First, I have to make lemon squares for 12.

Can you make it 13?

So, what'd you get?

An A.

Same old, same old. What'd you get?

I got a C+. A C plus?

And it's all thanks to Bailey. I told you, you could... do it.

You're the bestest teacher in the whole whitestest world.

We'll work on grammar next week.

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

How'd you do it?

Easy. I was patient, organized. Make sure you have enough of that magic brain

perfume so I can ace the final. Yeah.

And you lied.

I prefer the word inspired.

Lied. Motivated.

myself look ugly so Becky will break up with me.

But it can't be done. I don't have a bad angle. Why would I curse with these

drop -dead good looks?

Let's not forget your charming modesty.

I know.

I'm the complete package.

Look, Woodford, I need your help.

How do you repel girls?

Well, it usually starts right after I say hello.

interested in some other guy.

Wait, that's it. You're a genius.

I am?

Yes, I need you to woo and win Becky Muldoon.

I told you I'm not good with females.

Don't you worry, Plywood.

I'm gonna teach you how to flirt.

Okay, now, just pretend this is Becky.

Now watch and learn.

Excuse me, but...

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

That's good.

I know.

Or... Are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only ten.

I see.

Okay, now you draw it.

Hey there.

Did it hurt when you fell from Tennessee?

Oh, that's wrong. That's wrong.

You know what?

Just be bold and sweep her off her feet.

Come here, gorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself.

Okay, now you try.

Hey there, gorgeous.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help myself.

Zach, I think I broke Becky.

I can't believe London thinks that cheap perfume is making her smart.

Cheap? You bought me that perfume.

That's how I know it's cheap.

Well, cheap or not, it made her smart, so pay up.

The bet was a B on the final, and the final's not till tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm sure London's back to figuring out how doorknobs work.

Good day, fellow smarty arties.

London, I love this new look. Thank you, thank you. It's your basic smart person

look.

So, are we discussing something smart?

We're talking about Cody's job.

Is it a smart job?

I hand out towels.

Are they smart towels?

Yeah, they absorb everything.

So does my brain.

And it's all thanks to Bailey's tutoring.

I don't know. Don't you smell? Shouldn't you be studying?

Oh, that's right. I even called my daddy and told him I plan on getting an A.

So bring like a bucket of that Smurper milk.

London, is it true?

I heard from your teacher you got a C.

Nope.

I got a C plus.

Joy of joys. London, I haven't been this proud of you since you learned that

socks don't go over your head.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, I don't have to hurt goats. I don't have to hurt goats.

someone smarter, but I also saved a bunch of goats from a dangerously

inexperienced herder.

I still don't think it's fair that you lied to London about that perfume.

Hey, a bet's a bet. You never said I couldn't use a placebo.

Well, are you ever going to tell London that it's just ordinary perfume and it

can't make her smart?

What London doesn't know won't hurt her.

And in her case, that's a lot.

Hey, London.

How's it going?

I'm not really smart.

I just smell smart.

Well, that was odd, even for London.

Hey, woodchuck, you clean up nicely.

Oh, okay, now remember what I told you. You go over there, and you sweep Becky

off her feet.

Okay, but if she hurts me, it's on your conscience.

I'll take that chance.

And you fell from heaven.

No, but it's gonna hurt when I throw you from the crow's nest.

Okay.

But I wanted to know if you were from Tennessee, because you're the only 10 I

see.

Get it?

10? Like, you're hot?

You think I'm hot?

Oh, this herbal shampoo is really paying off.

But you should know that I'm with somebody.

Okay.

Uh, look, Becky.

Oh, jeez!

Oh, what is this I see?

My best friend in the arms of my best girl?

Zach, you don't understand.

No, I do understand, you two -timer. This relationship is over.

Zach!

cannot help. I must try and mend my broken heart with a pudding cup. Oh,

please stop. Haven't you hurt me enough?

I'm a dildo.

Please let me be. Please let me be. Please let me be.

Hey, what's up? You look kind of down. I am.

I don't suppose you have a perfume for that.

What do you mean?

phony baloney perfume how did you find out i overheard you and cody talking

about fooling me with that fake perfume that's just a gazebo but on the bright

side it did get you to study and you got a better grade you've always been able

to do it on your own

You have special smart lipstick?

Yeah, here.

Oh, it's working.

I feel smarter already.

You even look smarter.

Let me at that final.

You know, it hurts being smart.

Like a girl.

Thank you.

I think.

Well, you know, if you come here to win me back, you've won.

I actually already have a date with someone else.

What about us?

What happened?

What happened is I met someone who really connects with me.

And he makes me feel beautiful.

Who is this Casanova?

talk to you for a second come here what are you doing dating my girl you told me

to you were so worried about looking like a wimp you didn't even notice becky

sweet smart funny and she can birth the minute waltz in 30 seconds she's every

man's dream

you been kissing a clown?

Oh, this?

It's just something to help me study.

Well, in that case, you've never looked lovely.

Thank you.

So, Cody, now that Bailey and my new smarticles have won your bet, what did

get? A limo? A boat? A million dollars?

A kiss on the cheek? Heya.

My pleasure.

Ugh. Poor people.

foot rub, I can convince London a giant merman is holding up the ship.