Original subtitles

It's a Winnie the Pooh cake.

Look at what it says on the card. Happy two months birthday, Harris. We love

you. If you stick your finger in that, I'll kill you.

Wait a minute. I'm confused. I thought birthdays only come in years.

No, this little girl has been through so much that we're going to celebrate

every little milestone, no matter how small it is. Wait till you see what

got planned for our first ear infection.

Hello. Hello, hello.

We come bearing gifts.

Dolls and a tea set.

And a G .I. Joe and a football.

We figured we'll put them at opposite ends of her room and let her gender

identify herself.

You ought to be young again.

So where is she?

She's so cute. You know, she doesn't really belong in this family.

Leon, we all started out cute.

Well, I'm going up to check on her right now, and I'll let you all know when

she's ready to receive guests.

Well, Bev is still out there trying to park the Econoline.

Oh, yes. None of you happen to own a red Datsun, do you?

I do. Why?

No reason, really.

It's just, it's, um, very sporty.

Sorry I'm late. A couple of mason jars exploded.

No jam this Christmas.

Oh, rats.

Rats, rats, rats.

I'm ready to see my namesake. Sound the trumpets. Tell her that her great

-grandmother is here.

Don't worry. She's been warned.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapid with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've learned while waiting for my turn, it's that

in each light of a rainbow, but you also get some sun, and we'll make out

better than okay.

Hear what I say?

Yeah, I do.

I hear movement. No, Matt!

She's awake!

Hey, hey, hey! One at a time. You people are scary enough individually.

Oh, we just want to see the baby, Roseanne. Me first. Me first. Okay,

We're going in order of sanity.

Well, we can't all be last.

Oh.

You must be so cold in this drafty old house.

Amy, I just want to put you on a keychain.

Oh, look at this, Harris.

This is a picture of your mother when she was a teenager.

She never was much of a smiler.

And this is my daughter, your grandmother.

I don't know who that child is she's holding underwater.

and grandmother. My head is spinning.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I've set you up with a little savings bond.

Now, it could be for college or a car when you're 16 or

in case your husband runs out on you and leaves you broke.

and depressed and miserable and angry at the whole world.

Anyway.

Hi, Harris.

You're such a beautiful child.

And I know your life is going to be filled with love and happiness.

Does that sound sincere?

A lot of times people accuse me of not sounding sincere when I really am.

Hey, Harris, you're going to be a star.

Good evening.

This is a little piece I call baby.

Baby's eye.

Baby's chin.

Baby's ear.

Put them all together, and you have baby.

This has been a DJ Connor film

If you ever need somebody to talk to, I mean when you can, I'm a good listener.

I'm not pushy like some people in this family.

I'm not naming names.

Hey, you can't pop a big smile, huh?

Hmm? Huh?

God,

Darlene is so lucky.

Hey, so when are we going to... Tell everybody that we're lucky, too.

Mark, we just found out.

It's too early to say anything.

Besides, we don't want to take all the attention away from Darlene.

You know, let's wait a couple of weeks until they're tired of the baby.

Hey, do you think it would be okay if I touched her?

Let me see your hands.

No.

This is your cousin Andy and your uncle Jerry.

Oh, honey.

Oh, jeez. There you go.

Okay.

Hey.

You had a lot of visitors today, didn't you?

I hope nobody frightened you because they all love you very much.

There's a lot of love here in this house.

You might hear some yelling or some naughty words.

Sometimes the love is just so strong that they can't contain it.

Hey, kid.

I used lava.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Oh, man.

This dad thing is going to be great.

You guys, that baby is so wonderful.

Thanks, Nancy.

No, I mean, she's really special.

Wouldn't it be incredible if she turned out to be the first woman president?

I think it's more important to raise honest children.

You know, seeing the baby and then seeing you and then seeing the baby

made me realize that, hey, you're a real dad.

Get out of here.

Well, it is. It's starting to feel that way just now, you know.

Mr. Conner, when did you start to feel like a real dad?

Oh, well, that was when we had little Jerry.

I had had some children before that, but they were just for practice.

I think it became real for me at my wedding when I was breastfeeding Andy at

altar.

First time I helped Becky, the way she looked at me, you never forget that.

Yeah, those little blue eyes that know nothing about the world around them.

She still looks like that.

Gosh, babies are so amazing.

Can't wait till I'm a dad.

I think you will.

Oh, now, you never know, Dan, because these days are having sex a lot sooner.

Things happen.

I don't think so.

Leon and I have a little announcement to make, don't we? No, we don't. Yes, we

do. How can we keep quiet? It is in the air. All right, I will tell them.

Scott and I are going to adopt a baby, which I think I told you all at

Thanksgiving. Yes, and I behaved dreadfully.

Yes, but not for the first time. And all is forgiven, sweetheart. All is

forgiven. At any rate, today I am overjoyed to announce that we have begun

adoption paperwork, and in two months we will be the proud parents of little

three -year -old Nadia.

She is from Romania. We're going to San Francisco to pick her up.

Imagine that. We're going to San Francisco.

pick up a girl you guys are rescuing a little girl you're the best your karma

rating just went through the roof well i couldn't be happier i can't think of

two better mothers

you will need some experienced parents to give you advice.

Leave them alone, Mother, unless you want to take five or ten seconds and

down everything you know.

I mean, babies are hard enough, and then once they start toddling, I mean, you

have to watch them every minute.

Well, I'm going to take the even moment, and Leanne will take the odd.

I don't know the other way around. Well, whatever.

Roseanne was always getting into everything. You know, she would just sit

the sink with a bucket on her head.

She made me.

stand guard with a broom.

I never understood what she was hiding from.

Okay, guys, lunch is here.

Courtesy of Uncle Wong.

I'll go help Mom set the table.

You know that place that's on her third Uncle Wong?

It's like Lassie.

Man, there's a lot of people out there.

Yeah, well, as soon as the free food's gone, they'll be gone, too.

You know, Mom, it really is too crowded around here.

So David and I were thinking that instead of spending a couple months

could probably be out of here in a couple weeks.

A couple weeks isn't long enough for me to teach you all the stuff that I want

to teach you. I mean, when we had that talk, you said you wanted to learn stuff

from me. I mean, what would you do if the baby got an ear infection?

Talk to her from the opposite side?

No, I'm serious, Darlene. I mean, I just want to make sure that you know this

stuff. Well, there's always a phone, Mom.

Because I know you don't want us camping out here forever. I mean, you made that

pretty clear.

When? When did I make that clear?

For now.

You're the one that said for now first.

Well, you didn't exactly beg me to stay around here.

Well, okay, so do you want me to beg you to stay? Please, please, please, stay,

stay, stay. I beg you. I double dog beg you. Is that clear enough there for now?

I want to stay home with you, Mom.

Really?

Yeah. You do?

For how long?

You first.

Okay, well, this is my, you know, opening negotiating point.

Forever?

Well, seeing as I planned to outlive you, I'll meet you halfway.

It's a deal.

So welcome home, darling.

You're grounded.

Hey! What's with the food?

Shut up!

Oh, I love it here.

Was I right? Can Uncle Wong's whip up a lo mein or what?

No, no, no. That's chow mein. You can tell by the noodles. All Chinese noodles

are the same.

Oh, Dad, that's ridiculous.

Come on, Dad. Lo mein noodles are soft. Chow mein noodles are good.

Okay,

I'm warning everybody.

I am not going to live through another version of that pepperoni sausage debate

from last week. There are completely different parts of the cow.

Four.

meat, meat byproducts, rodent parts, hair, sawdust, encased in a tube, or

sausage.

Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration.

Actually, I found it's all around you.

Take Leon, for instance.

Bullies, I'm sorry, Dan. No whistling at the dining room table.

Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He's the only gay guy I know who

belongs to the Elks Club.

As far as I'm concerned, George Bush was the best president we ever had. I mean,

look at all the fat that he cut out of Medicare.

You know, in China, they believe in reincarnation, so they have a hell of a

with their probate law.

And there's Scott.

He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon.

I guess I didn't get too creative there.

Hey, DJ, quit Fogart and the Moogoo guy pants.

Really? Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.

And now that you're distracted, I took the Moogoo guy pants.

Confucius say, you snooze, you lose.

A lot of kids have called my son a nerd, but as I

told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd, too.

A lot of times, nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a

different drummer.

Roseanne, will you keep your children in line? I didn't raise my children to

search. My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be

about everything.

I never bought into that, and I wish mom had neither.

I wish she had made different choices.

So I think that's why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself

as a woman.

You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the

family unit.

Oh, yeah.

And she's nuts.

Check out my fortune here.

True love lies where you least expect it. It better not.

Mark, I think I got yours. Deep thoughts run shallow.

There are plenty of numbers on the back. Let's play the lottery.

I can't get rid of all this money now.

My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay.

She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with

a man.

She's been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her.

I guess Nancy's kind of my hero, too. Women's shelter needs furniture, so if

there's anything you don't want, let me know, and I'll have it picked up.

Because she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual

I don't know what happened to that husband of hers, but in my book, I sent

into outer space.

When Becky brought David home a few years ago, I thought, this is wrong. He

much more Darlene's type.

Do you want to go to this poetry reading before the museum?

Yeah, before. I want to pick up some books first.

Okay.

When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky.

Get me a beer.

Get it yourself, slob.

I guess I was wrong, but... I still think they'd be more compatible the

way around.

So, in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it.

I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack.

He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I

think about before I go to sleep.

I miss him.

Roseanne?

Roseanne?

Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the

lives of our children by 50 % over our own. And we did.

We didn't hit our children as we were hit.

We didn't demand their unquestioning silence.

And we didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons.

As a modern wife, I walked a tightrope between tradition and progress, and

usually I failed by one outsider's standards or another's.

But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do

for men.

We women are the ones who transform everything we touch, and nothing on

earth is higher than that.

My writing is really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean,

at first, I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another woman.

When you're a blue -collar woman and your husband dies, it takes away your

sense of security.

So I began writing about having all the money in the world, and I imagined

myself going to spas and swanky New York parties, just like the people on TV,

where nobody has any real problems and everything's solved within 30 minutes.

I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie.

That girl? But I was so angry. I was more like a female Steven Seagal wanting

fight the whole world.

For a while, I lost myself in food and in a depression so deep that I couldn't

even get out of bed until I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that

they could pull through.

One day, I actually imagined being with another man.

But then I felt so guilty, I had to pretend it was for some altruistic

And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died.

I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy

choosing life.

In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just

true. I had to do the work.

And as I wrote about my life, I relived it.

And whatever I didn't like, I rearranged.

I made a commitment to finish my story, even if I had to write in the basement

in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep.

But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the

choices I made. And that was the real jackpot.

I learned that dreams don't work without action. I learned that no one could

stop me but me.

I learned that love is stronger than hate.

And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and or she

is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.

I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Here, pencil.

Yeah, and I got you some notepads. And I got you a dictionary of the sort.

You know, Stephen King started this way.

We'll make it.