Original subtitles

Could use a little more work, but I think Darlene, David, and the baby will

comfortable here for a month or two or whenever they decide to go back to

Chicago. Yeah, what could Chicago possibly have to offer them besides

and excitement?

Let's see, we need some room darkening shades, some of them outlet cover

thingies, and we can baby -proof the room later.

Yeah, and at some point we're going to have to repaint.

Oh, no, honey, the paint's holding up pretty well.

Well, of course it is. There's nothing more durable than lead.

That ain't lead paint. They haven't made lead paint in 20 years.

Replace lead paint.

Don't forget the baby monitor.

What are you talking about?

Dave and Darlene are going to be sleeping right next to the crib.

It's not for them. It's for me.

If that baby cries, I want to hear it.

And if Darlene and David just happen to be talking about us, well, then I'll

turn it down.

Or not.

Sly puss.

Yeah, I think it's totally cool.

Our granddaughter's going to be living in this room.

Yeah, well, all our kids pass through here at some point.

Like our own personal Ellis Island.

What are you doing in my room?

You handle this, Dan.

Actually, DJ, your niece is coming home from the hospital next week.

And, uh, David, Darlene... Oh, God, you're shipping me to the basement,

you? Well, come on, a basement isn't that bad. It's pretty nice. It's... It's

warm. You got your own furnace.

Yeah, my own spiderwebs, my own asbestos. That's right.

Spiderwebs, no flies.

Asbestos, no fires.

Case closed.

But, Mom, you're gonna turn the basement back into your writing room.

Well, we all have to make sacrifices, and that's mine.

That's DJ.

A basement is a perfect environment for a growing lad such as yourself.

Yeah, hey, have you ever heard Inigata DeVita played down there?

It's awesome.

Plus, you've got them ground floor windows. You can sneak out whenever you

want. Yeah, well, how am I going to do that when I'm gasping for air and

covering spider bites?

Ask David. He did it for years.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn, it's

that in each light of a rainbow, but you also get some sun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Hear what I say.

Yeah, every day.

I can't believe the baby's really coming home today. I thought she'd never make

it out of the shop.

Excited too, and the best part is that this time I'm not recovering from the

birth.

Yeah, we got a lot to be thankful for, babe.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's one of those deals where it sounds like the mom's heartbeat.

Whoa, so that's what a healthy heart sounds like.

Oh, hey, did DJ get all his stuff moved out of the basement? Yeah, he did. Good.

Now I can volunteer to help him.

Do you think that, uh...

Am I asking Darlene and David to move in here was the right thing to do?

Well, isn't that what you want?

Yeah. Well, that used to be the right thing to do. Does something change

here?

No, I was just wondering if maybe I'm being a little selfish. You know, maybe

I'm doing this more for me than for them.

Well, you probably are, but it's still a nice thing to do.

What if they don't want to move in here?

Honey, why are you so worried about this?

Figure it out, Dan. If they don't like the accommodations, okay, they check out

early, and they'll probably try to sneak that baby out of here with them.

Honey, that's what kids do. They leave the nest.

Now, you should be proud.

We've raised some independent, free -spirited individuals.

What the hell were we thinking?

Everything's going to be okay.

Oh, I've got to go.

You've got to pick everybody up from the hospital.

Our granddaughter will be coming home shortly.

Wow, that sounds so great. Say it again, Dan, louder.

Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter is coming home today.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Cassie, spin around and let me check out that caboose.

That's it, Roseanne. Four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of lemon

This house is clean.

Okay.

I got the bathroom clean as a whistle. Okay, that sandpaper and bleach goes a

long way.

Hey, good job. Now get on the phone and tell everybody that we're having a

homecoming party for the baby and they gotta get here before the house gets

dirty again.

Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.

Can you believe it, Roseanne? We're bringing another baby home.

This is a lucky house.

It adapts well to new life. I can't imagine this family living anywhere

Yeah, lottery or no, I could never get rid of this house.

Okay, Mark is asking if you want him to score a cake.

Um, no, that's okay. I think I'll just fire up the Harley and take the baby out

on her first beer run myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Ms. Harris Connor Healy.

So, what do you think of the joint?

What's not to like? At least she's not under that grow bulb anymore.

Sweetie, it's your new house.

Look at those eyes. I think she likes it here. Of course she does. This is where

all the Connors belong.

Smells like pine forest.

Next to a lemon grove.

Over a landfill.

Yeah, and then I was thinking this rocking chair here should be right in

of the window so you can sit there, feed the baby, and then look out and yell at

the neighbor kids to stay off your lawn.

Well, Mom, I don't want to turn into you all at once.

Take a big fat look in the mirror, Darlene. You lost.

Okay, well, uh, you know, if you guys don't need me, I'll go get the rest of

stuff out of the car.

Right. I'm going.

Oh, I can't wait to see the baby in these cute little outfits.

Is this all the T -shirts you've got?

Uh, I think so. Why does she need more?

Yeah, I mean, when you were her age, I had at least twice this many.

Of course, some of them were your dad's old socks.

I'm really glad you're here, Darlene.

I am, too.

Good, because, you know, I don't want you to be here unless you want to be

Oh, yeah, I mean, and I wouldn't be here unless I wanted to be here.

And, of course, you wanted me to be here. Oh, yeah, definitely I want you to

here. Uh, for now.

Right. Yeah, for now. Yeah, now's great. I mean, because now could be an hour

or, you know.

Or more.

Yeah, whatever. I mean, you have to do what makes you happy.

You can't worry about hurting my feelings.

Well, I never worry about hurting your feelings.

I just want to stick around for a little while so I can learn some stuff from

you. Oh, darling, you already know a lot of stuff.

You changed DJ's guy for once?

Oh, don't remind me.

See, you're lucky you got a girl. Their aim isn't nearly as good.

Oh, you know, I mean, it's not the little things, like how often do I feed

or when do I change her or stuff like that.

It's the big things, you know? I mean, like, God, how do I help her become a

good person?

You just have her watch a lot of public television, and the rest takes care of

itself.

You don't have to know everything all at once, Darlene. I sure didn't.

You didn't? No.

I mean, I was your age when I had Becky, and I didn't even know half of what you

know now.

Oh, so that's why you kept her, right?

I did what I had to do to make sure my kids got what they needed, and you'll do

the same. You really think so? Of course. I'll give you a great example.

Remember that time when I had to go down to your school to talk to your teacher

because you'd been barking in class?

Vaguely. Well, see, I'd never been in a situation like that before.

And I didn't really know what to do. But then all of a sudden, my mother

instincts kicked in and I did the exact right thing.

What'd you do?

Oh, good. You're still repressing that memory of obedience school.

Come on, Mom.

Look, darling.

everything's going to be okay, you know.

I mean, the hard part doesn't even come until later when you look at your kid

and realize it's not just your baby, it's a real human being, and she's going

do things the way she wants to do them.

But that's also the best part.

You really think so?

No, not really.

Actually, the best part is when you can mold their tender little egos to fit

your every whim.

I can't believe I barked.

Oh, honey, we all barked.

Hey, what's this? Some new religious thing?

A little help here.

I think I snapped my pelvis.

Just remember, they're not cockroaches.

They're water beetles.

Okay.

Well, you know, I kind of feel bad about moving you down here to the basement,

but the only thing I can say to you is the same thing I said to Becky and then

to Darlene.

We love the new baby more than you.

It's okay. I'm kind of fond of her myself.

You know, but... Down here, I can have more than just a bedroom.

I can have, like, a whole studio.

Okay, over here, I'm going to put, like, my editing bay.

You know what that is, right?

Where you edit?

Right. Okay, now, I'll put my computer over here, and that'll be, like, my pre

-production area, and all I need is, like, a corkboard, a couple of pushpins,

and, of course, a project.

Wait, I'm going to leave this space over here blank.

It's going to be, like, my home theater system.

Pass that along to Santa.

Santa, huh?

Well, there's another little talk we need to have.

No, I'm really proud of you, son.

Mom. No, I know. I've said this all before, haven't I?

Mm -hmm.

Well, this is a different kind of proud, though. It's not like the same kind of

proud I was when you took your first steps or when you got your first C in

It's more of a grown -up kind of a proud, you know.

It's like you have a little boy, and you watch him eat all his crayons, and he's

biting people and stuff, and you wonder what kind of a guy he's going to grow up

to be.

And then one day he does something very classy, and you realize that some woman

is going to owe you a great big thank you note for raising such a wonderful

Wow, a woman.

Did you hear any of that other stuff I said?

Yeah.

You know, this was going to be your writing room. I can teach you how to use

computer. My own dungeon.

It's an office, so you can write.

Oh, my own office.

You like it?

It's my own office.

It's just so you don't bother us when you write.

Oh, it's great.

It's fantastic.

Yeah, I put all these shelves in here for your, you know, the stuff you write.

Manuscripts.

Man, I can't believe that you remember when this was going to be my writing

room. It was like one of your greatest birthdays.

We

got

some shoesies and a cute little hat and some

kind of damn little girly thing and, oh, this.

The last dress Darlene ever wore.

Yeah. See?

It's fun poking through old stuff, ain't it?

Well, we haven't had much fun around here in a while.

Yeah, these are good times.

I guess we deserve some.

It's been a very weird year.

Yeah, well.

I think that Roseanne is really glad to have you back in the house, Dan.

I was sitting in that motel by the airport.

I finally realized the whole California thing was so stupid.

I belong here.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

And I think Roseanne is glad to be home, too. You know, the time we spent

running around on trains and going to spas and hobnobbing in the Hamptons, it

just didn't work for us. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was fun.

Well, not for me.

Okay.

It's time for the dumping of the nipples.

Looks like a naked synchronized swim team.

Hey, hey, you got the peaches.

Man, look at all this stuff.

Oh, Darlene used to tie up DJ with these ones.

Yeah, I used to string up David with my mom's nylons.

Very resourceful, Mark.

You know, I do what I can.

God, I think it is so great that Mom saved all this stuff.

I wonder if she saved any stuff for you.

Mom!

Maybe you were right, Dan. It is kind of cool saving stuff like this.

Yoo -hoo! I'm here!

Haul out the holly!

Then again, there is something to be said for throwing out the old.

Did you get a border -to -border? What on earth is that?

Canadian bacon and jalapeno peppers.

What's the matter? Don't you know you're international cuisine?

One border -to -border.

Right here.

Who wants a soda?

No, no, no.

Oh, anchovies.

Oh, wait, I'll take that one.

I just feel like anchovies.

If you fold your pizza over, you can make your own calzone.

Olé!

Baby woke up when she smelled the pizza.

Oh, it's official. She's a real conner.

This is just the best.

Yeah.

I really like the way this place's cheese grips across.

You know?

And if you ever had scalded hot cheese in your life, you'd appreciate what I'm

talking about.

Um, no, honey, I wasn't talking about the... I was talking about, you know,

of us being together like this, you know, just being here together.

Yeah, I like that.

Hey, what about somebody saying grace?

Grace? We never say grace. No, I know, but isn't it about time to start? I

we owe God in a big way.

Yeah, I must have said a thousand prayers in every corner of that

Well, you know, everybody prays when stuff's, like, in crisis, but...

How many people really pray when stuff's going good?

I do.

Nobody say anything bad about her.

Okay, well, what do we do? Do we hold hands or something? No, I just think the

important thing is that, you know, we need to stop praying in dark corners and

hiding, you know. We should start praying the way we fight, out loud and

public where everybody can hear it.

Okay, I'll go.

All right.

Dear God, we thank you for everything, not just for the pizza, which we are

about to receive, although we do love pizza, as you well know.

I don't know if I can really find the words to express how grateful I am

to just have the family here all together and everybody being healthy.

That's more important than winning the lottery a hundred times.

But I think most of all, we would like to thank you for answering our prayers

and letting Darlene and David's little girl beat all the odds, just like us

Connors always do.

Amen.

Amen.

That was really nice, honey.

Thank you. Well, you know, words are like my thing.

I put the baby down in Mom and Dad's bed.

You're sure she won't roll over the edge?

David, she's surrounded by pillows.

Besides, she's in that huge divot in the middle.

Hey.

You okay with all this?

With what?

You know, staying here with my parents for a while.

Are you kidding?

I love it here.

It's... It's never dull.

Well, cool, because, you know, I just feel safe being near my mom right now.

know, at least until the baby's bigger and stronger.

Well, people in this house do tend to get bigger, don't they?

And, you know, I mean, I think it'll be really great for my dad, too. He acts

like 20 years younger when he's around the baby.

It's got to be good for him after the heart attack and everything, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great. You know what this is? It's really tribal.

Tribal?

Note to myself, I alone will teach the baby new words.

No, I just mean that Harris will get to start off her life in a real extended

family. I never thought about it like that.

Darlene, it's going to be so great.

I mean, it's very natural. It's like throughout history, that's how every

grew up. You know, there wasn't daycare or babysitters. It was just the family.

It's perfect.

You should tell your parents how grateful we really are.

Well, I'll do it. You tend to gush.

Besides, I'm not sure they're crazy about this whole idea in the first

What are you talking about? They love having us here, don't they?

I mean, I thought they did, but then I talked to my mom and I got this weird

feeling that they don't want us around here for too long.

Maybe they just met you.

No, David.

It's just my mom, you know, she's usually, like, so direct about

Or haven't you noticed?

No, I noticed.

Well, so I just think if she wanted us to stay for an extended period of time,

she would have said stay for an extended period of time.

Of course, she would have used shorter words.

So what does this mean?

It means, I think, that we should get out of here as soon as we can.

I should go put the baby upstairs.