Original subtitles

Oh, Dan, you look different.

I mean, good different. Did you cut your hair?

No, I washed it.

After a week in the hospital like that, my hair developed a permanent ledge in

the back there.

I got the cutest present for Darlene's baby. You know how a new outfit always

makes a girl feel better?

Oh, it's so cute.

Look at that.

Oh, my God, that is so cute that it's almost worth me dropping 200 pounds to

into it.

Well, Fred's got Andy tonight, so you want me to go to the hospital with you?

No, I want everybody to have a night off.

I send Darlene and David out for dinner because I told them, go ahead and enjoy

it. This is one of the last times you'll ever go to dinner without a cup of

crayon sitting on the table.

That's a good idea. Everybody's been under a lot of stress lately.

So I just want everybody to go out and have fun.

Fun. Yeah, geez.

What did I used to do for fun?

Oh, yeah, I came here.

Well, hey, if you're feeling desperate, you can go down to Chuck E. Cheese with

Dan and Jerry.

You know, I find you're never too old to dive headfirst into a room full of

plastic balls.

Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Any word on how soon the baby comes home?

No, the doctors say she's doing fine, but it could still be a whole other

That's got to be rough on you. You've got to wait for a whole week now to

her rotten.

Jackie, I really don't plan on being one of those grandmothers whose entire life

is about her grandchildren.

Roseanne, open up the coat.

What? Just open up the coat.

Now hand me the bag. No. Hand me the bag.

Hand me the bag.

How did that get in there?

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each life's a rainbow.

But you also get some sun that will make us better.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm ironing my shirt.

Now I'll just pick out our clothes by sniffing them.

No, idiot. You don't want to spray so close to the shirt. You want to mist it,

not soak it.

I hate you so much about ironing.

Hey, what do you call me, a girl?

Look, look, look, let me do that for you, okay?

So what are you doing tonight, man? I got an extra ticket to championship

wrestling. You know, Becky thinks it's stupid, but, you know, do you, partner?

Sorry, partner, I got plans with Heather.

Oh, a little wrestling match of your own, huh?

No, we're gonna go see Return of the Jedi.

Oh, then you're gonna need this.

I already have a wallet.

No, no, no, no, no, no. A love glove.

A raincoat.

An envelope for the night security deposit box.

You mean a condom? Well, yeah, if you want to get technical.

Look, we're not at that stage in our relationship.

DJ, you're a guy.

You're always at that stage in your relationship.

Let's just hope the force is with you.

That is fantastic.

What did you bring us? A bag of Kenyan Sumatra beans and a flourless chocolate

cake. Oh,

I just love you boys. You have such a flair.

Well, you know, Bev, we must admit we are more than a little curious to meet

your new special friend.

Yes, yes.

Joyce is dying to meet you, too.

I can't wait to see what she picked up.

She's probably some big butch.

Let's face it, Bev's only been with men up until now.

Well, that doesn't mean anything. Look at me.

Oh, stop.

So where is Joyce?

Oh, she'll be out in a minute. She's just putting on some lipstick.

Be a bumpy nut.

Oh,

my God, Leon, look.

Look, it's a hole. God, I don't believe it. It's her.

Oh, yes, Joyce. Joyce, the velvet voice from the rotating lounge on top of the

Holiday Inn.

Bev, why didn't you tell us that you were seeing Lambert's most fabulous

chanteuse? Oh, then you've seen my show. Oh, are you kidding? We adore you.

Darling, I can't count the times we have gone to the windows on Landford Lounge,

high atop the fourth floor of the fantastic Holiday Inn, and watched you

literally tear the roof off the place.

And the way you do send in the clowns. Oh, honey, I have not been able to go

back to the circus.

And the finale, when you do the wind beneath thy wings, and they turn the

on you.

Go up and you've got those little sequined wings sewn into your sleeves.

that is when the water works open for me, darling.

It is genius. It is just genius.

You are so nice.

Bev, they're not tatty at all.

Boys, is the Lansford Armory the greatest place to see wrestling or what?

I forgot the rodeo was here last week.

I got a gut full of nachos and a giant foam finger. I am ready to rumble!

I think tonight's going to be my night, Jackie. I can't wait to get into that

ring. You can do that?

Yeah, sure. What you do, you fill out a card and they pick a different audience

member every week.

Not to worry, I fill that one for you.

Sounds dangerous.

No, no, no, no. Maybe for some guys. But check out these guns.

Yeah, right. You've got to be a little bit afraid.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the fabulous ladies of the wrestling.

Check out that Yoda over there.

That's a homeless guy.

How many dogs did he have to kill to make that outfit?

I tell people that in their lives.

Apparently not.

Do you want your lightsaber? Yeah.

Careful, DJ, that's not a toy.

The movie starts in like ten minutes.

I'm going to have nosebleed stinks.

All right, two for Return of the Jedi.

Sorry, sold out.

Oh, no.

We have plenty of seats available for a beautician and a beast.

I want to do now.

Well, we can rent this movie, and your mom's not home.

With the trumpet player? Well, of course, they can hold their breath

Well, that's right.

Well, I just told her that if she was going to carry on like that with the

no way we were going to live together. I just cannot believe that you and Edie

Gourmet were roommates.

It's nothing.

Tell them about the time you and Mitzi Gaynor got into a fist fight at the

Pacific Callback.

Mitzi Gaynor, bitch!

You would die every juicy bit. Well, I would, but I've just won another hand.

You can say that again, Debbie.

Scotty, how cute are they?

Bev, we've got a hand at you. Joyce is really something.

A great singer, divine card player, and a mouth like a sailor. Ooh, if only I

were a woman. But you're not.

Wonderful. Listen, I'm not against giving you boys a chance to win a game

two. Why don't we play something else? Your choice.

Oh, Joyce, you are going to live to regret those words.

What am I missing? Oh, nothing at all. Just that Leon and I were Fire Island

Canasta champions 1985.

Thank you. Really? Thank you. Then how's about we make things a little more

interesting? All right. Anything but strip poker. I haven't waxed.

What do you say we raise the stakes? Well, he's raised the stakes.

So, Joyce, have you met Rosanna?

Is she out of her coma?

And who wants coffee?

This is so stupid.

What? I mean, this whole thing with Princess Leia and Han Solo.

I mean, they obviously want each other, but they don't even do anything about

it. Yeah, well, she's not exactly sending him any signals or anything.

That's why it's so lame.

I mean, here they are, these two total outcasts. They have no one in the world

except each other, and they're playing these stupid junior high games. I mean,

just don't buy it.

Maybe you're just waiting for her to do something first.

Think about it.

Let's say if there was this really hot girl, and you really liked her, and you

know that she liked you back, plus the fact that you could die any second.

Wouldn't you just want to push the Wookiee off the console and do it?

They had the perfect chance and did nothing.

I just think that...

I'll

rip your head off your neck and pull your lungs out through your shoulders,

little... You little stain!

have a telephone call.

Nothing's wrong in the hospital.

Who's calling, baby?

Your mama.

Yeah, this is Mark Healy.

DJ. Is everything okay?

Yeah, what's up, DJ? This better be good because they call my name here and I

miss it. You're dead meat.

I can't hear you. What? What?

I said, do you still have that con... Do you have that glove, you know?

He's still... He's looking for his gloves.

Oh, let me do that.

It's worse than a gentleman's one.

DJ, I have no idea where your gloves are. Why don't you try the whole closet?

Oh, wait.

Wait a minute. The glove.

Well, yeah, it's in my wallet.

Wait a minute. Well, there's another package in Papa Bear's den.

What are you talking about?

Your dad's sock drawer. Papa Bear's den.

How do you know there's one there? Well, everybody knows that's where Bear

stashed him, man. That's where me and Goldie watch him to find him all the

All right, no problem, Baby Bear.

Later.

You're sure that everything's okay? Yeah, DJ just wanted a condom.

What?

read them and weep. Oh, no.

Where in the world did you learn to play cards like that? Oh, darling, please.

All those years I spent in Reno.

I mean, after the show is over, there is nothing to do but play cards or hit the

buffet. Well, you must give us a chance to win some of our money back.

What do you have in mind?

No, no more cards, please. I'm going to be seeing queens in my sleep.

So now you sound like my Scotty. Oh, wait, you speak quiet. You have... Quite

cheeky attitude.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

I have an idea, boys. How about we have a show tune trivia challenge? Yes, here,

here. Sounds like fun. Who goes first? I don't know. Me. No, Leon. I will.

Okay.

Help me, honey.

Yes, good.

What tune was cut from A Little Night Music?

Out of Town Tryouts or Broadway?

Hello.

Damn, she is good.

Anyone for martinis? Great idea, Bev. I will make them. I will make them.

Scotty, are you having? I thought you'd never ask, and you're only having one

tonight, mister.

Mr. Stick in the mud.

How about you, Georgie?

You know what I'd love?

A big, fat bourbon. Oh, you go, girl.

How do you like it?

I like my whiskey like I like my women.

Smooth -bodied and, uh... Well -aged.

Sock drawer, sock drawer, which one's the sock drawer?

Ooh, I'm not thinking about my parents having sex.

I'm not thinking about my parents having sex.

Ho, ho.

Ho, ho.

Ho, ho.

TV Guide 40th Anniversary Issue.

It's a special collector's edition?

Water gun.

That's where he put it.

Dad has no TV remote in here?

What is that?

To my dearest Dan, thanks for everything.

Julie Newmar.

Julie Newmar.

Oh, Scotty, you should hear him sing Don't Rain on My Parade. Scotty, please.

Scotty, you can come to the club and sing any time you want. No, no, no, no.

are the diva. I'm an amateur. I'm just an amateur. There is one star when

on stage.

That's it. You're it, sweetie.

Who wants another martini?

All right. Well, listen, people.

Joyce may be the singer.

Leon,

I told you. Three is your limit tonight.

fundraiser. Everyone was taking something over.

But we haven't been allowed back in the Olympic pool since. I hit that place

anyway. That's where that man was so cruel.

Joyce may be the singer, my hat's off to you, but can she dance?

You just keep on getting up and leaving me here. You trying to tell me

something? No, I was just, you know, going... DJ, DJ, um, just so you know,

for future reference, I have some condoms in my backpack.

You do?

Yeah, my mom makes me carry them around.

She says it makes her feel protected.

So, say, you ever use them?

No, I was actually kind of saving them, you know, for something special.

That's a good idea. I mean, some things ought to be special.

Yeah.

So if you and I ever decide to use them, I guess we'll be prepared.

So you won't have to go calling Mark or looking through your dad's drawers.

It's good, because nothing but ho -ho's in there anyway.

DJ. You're not upset we didn't do anything tonight, are you?

No, actually, I'm kind of relieved.

Me too.

It's getting late.

I'll walk you home.

No, that's okay. I got my bike.

Okay, well, call me as soon as you get there so I know you're okay.

Tell you the truth, Black Widow, I always thought those professional

matches were fake.

Well, yeah, that's true for the guys like Rowdy Rowdy Piper. But when we

fight, it's for real. Yeah, well, I guess I know that now.

Hey, listen,

I'm sorry you didn't get a crack at me.

Oh, that's okay. I mean, if this stuff is real, I can see why you wouldn't want

to wrestle a guy anyway.

Oh, yeah?

Let's go.

I wouldn't do that if I was you. You know, I carry most of my strength in my

forearms.

got 50 ,000 bucks on the Black Widow.

All right, Popeye, let's go.

Okay.

Now, don't hold back because I'm a woman. Oh, okay.

All right, you got me, buddy.

Get

that

for me, would you, DJ?

I apologize for my family.

I'm sure every idiot who meets you wants to see if they can take you.