Original subtitles

Well, Jackie, some things never change.

Millions of dollars and still no life.

Dad?

You're looking for Roseanne.

She had to go back to the mall.

All the kids went to see that Dalmatian movie.

Some coffee?

No.

Hey,

how's your mom doing? Good.

She's good, real good.

Because I know we didn't get to...

You know, with all the holiday stuff going on and everything, and I just

wondered what you were doing to kill time out there in California.

Well, you know, I got my mom set up at the facility, and I saw some sights,

drove up the coast.

That's about it.

Oh, I spent a lot of time picking avocados off my sandwiches. They put it

everything out there.

Well, you were out there for a couple of months, though. Did you meet anybody

interesting?

Hey, I saw Don Rickles at a gas station.

That hockey puck.

But nobody else, though, huh?

Well, I didn't go out there celebrity stalking.

Well, what would you do on an average day? Because I know that you would go

visit your mom at the hospital, but then what would you do?

I don't know. Have one.

Alone?

That had to have been hard. You know, nobody to talk to or eat with. Well,

Jackie, obviously I talk to people. Yeah, but like who in particular?

Jackie, what else do you want to know? What color shirt I wore every day?

Hey, I got a jaywalking ticket from a bicycle cop. I gave him some sass about

his bare legs on the upside of me and a head with a bicycle pump. How's that?

Were you walking across the street all by yourself? What the hell are you

talking about? I'm just trying to figure out who you were on the phone with

yesterday.

Oh, you mean my mom.

Well, it didn't sound like that to me.

Thanks for being so great with my mom.

Well, it's one of my mom's doctors.

It was hard being away from you for Christmas. See, that's what I'm not

You wanted to spend Christmas with her doctor?

Well, I mean, where the hell do you get off listening to my conversations?

In my house? Don't turn it around on me. I just want to know what the hell's

going on. Nothing's going on. That's bull, and you know it.

What is going on, Dan?

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapid with a drum is the one thing that I've heard.

While waiting for my turn Is that in each light of a rainbow But you also get

some sun That will make out better than okay Hear what I

say Yeah, I got everything

Please tell me that it's not what I think it is.

Oh, my God.

It is.

Isn't it?

Oh, my God.

Who is she?

She's my mother's nurse.

Oh, Dan. Oh, my God.

Dan!

How could you do that?

Jackie, you don't understand.

No, I know it's got to be really complicated.

Jackie, nothing has happened.

We have feelings for each other. Dan, just, oh, come on. Do you... See,

now that you have money, you think now all of a sudden you're Mr. Popular?

Do you think that this woman wants you for your girlish figure?

This has nothing to do with money. No, right. No, it's a 45 -year -old married

man with four kids. What a catch.

Are you spending a lot of money on her?

Just because she likes me to take her to nice places doesn't mean that she's

after my money. No, no, of course it doesn't. She would like you just as much

you were still a drywaller. She would. See, you don't know her.

So you have no idea what you're talking about? No, but I don't need to know her

to know that she's not your wife.

Look, Jackie, I've been over and over this, trying to figure out what

I don't know. Maybe there's a part of me that needed something. Well, I know

exactly what part that was.

Jackie, you don't understand. Nothing has happened, and you have no idea what

this is doing to me.

Being back here around the family, trying to pretend that everything's back

way it was.

The guilt is eating me alive.

What are you going to tell Roseanne?

Soon, okay? I just... I have to find the right words. I still love her. Cut the

crap.

Feelings are one thing. It's what you do that counts. I'm not saying what I did

was right, but you've got to understand something. I married young.

I gave up a lot in my life. Oh, boo -hoo!

Who has to? Actually, you don't know what it's like. Things are different out

there.

Life is easier. People are 60 years old. They look 40. It's 72 degrees and sunny

all the time. It's not like here.

I don't know why I expected better from you, Dan.

It is very clear to me now that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

How's that supposed to mean? Your father also had kind of an eye for the ladies,

didn't he? Like father, like son.

Boy, that's a low blow. Well, it's true.

All these years thinking that you were better than your dad.

You're way out of line. First time out on the road, you do the exact same

I guess the Conner men don't travel very well.

And I will tell you something. It wouldn't surprise me if years from now

sons aren't visiting their mother in a mental institution. Who in the hell are

you to tell me what to do anyway?

Man, you tell her or I will.

Hi, Jackie.

I dropped the kids over at Mom's for an overnighter.

What's up with you guys?

Oh,

Jackie and I are having that same old fight about who's a better cop.

Jimmy Smitzer, that guy that's all showing his ass.

How was the weight sale?

Well, it was awesome. For the first time, I didn't have to buy any

All the fitted sheets I got are shaped just like a bed.

Because you must be anxious to get the bedroom remodeled. Hey, these babies are

top of the line.

350 thread count cotton. Nice.

Yeah, it's very nice.

Not too nice, though, I hope, because I still want to be the softest thing in

the bed.

Dan, do you hear what I said?

I was talking about the sheets, you know, so I go, I hope they're not too

because I still want to be the softest thing in the bed.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to go.

But I will be back.

Hey, yeah, that means we'll only have, what, six more weeks of winter, right?

Roseanne, I've got to tell you something. Hold it. You are not going to

this. I go by the gas and sip, you know, for a bladder buster.

And I look up there at the tabloid rack, you know, to see how the chicken boy

scored on his SAT.

And look what I found.

Disney to build theme park in Gaza Strip.

No, not that. Right there. That prince. That Prince Carlos at Jackie State. And

look at that.

Look at that. He married his chambermaid, Dan.

He just met her last month because, as it turns out, he had never even been to

the west wing of his own damn palace.

It says here it was love at first sight.

Look at her, Dan. She's 50 years old. She's got the crow's feet and everything

like that.

How am I going to tell Jackie?

God, men are so damn predictable.

Well, Rose, I mean, you don't know the whole situation. I mean, you know,

maybe... Don't go sticking up for the guy just because you are one.

You know, I'm just lucky that I got me one of the few good ones.

What were you going to tell me?

Nothing.

There you

go.

You got to keep them elevated to keep them from swelling up.

DJ, that's so sweet.

All right, what's the scam, you little grifter?

Oh, God, Darlene, you're 25 weeks pregnant.

Just trying to be nice.

Yeah, right.

Last night you didn't fight me for the remote. This morning you offered to make

me pancakes.

Now I'm getting fed up. Just tell me what you want.

Come on, Darlene, he's your little brother. Just because he's being nice

mean he wants something.

I think it's beautiful, DJ.

Shut up, Snow White.

She's right.

I do want something.

All right, I want to videotape you giving birth.

Forget it. You can bring in your coonskin cap to show and tell.

Wait a minute. I mean, this may not have been the best method of asking, but we

do need someone to film it.

I don't want this little creep looking at my patootie.

You film it.

Please, Darlene, it's a portal of life.

Besides, I can't film it. I'm going to be coaching you.

I'm getting really good with the camera.

Besides, who else are you going to get? David Stoner, a friend who did your

wedding? Another 45 minutes of Nana Mary passed out in your shrimp cocktail?

I think it's a great idea, DJ. We'll talk about it, and we'll get back to

All right, but you've got to let me know soon.

A tootie?

Portal of life?

Oh, yeah.

Bedroom's going to be great, Roseanne. Great. I like the, what do you call

the medieval theme.

Yeah, well, that's because I ordered a lot of it out of the sheriff's catalog

here.

Boy, she's just got great taste. She can make any room in your house look like a

dungeon for less than $10 ,000.

Jackie?

I want to talk to you.

Oh, we don't really need to talk, Roseanne. We talk all the time.

No, come on. It's different. Sit down.

It's best that you hear this from me.

What?

Sit down.

There's just no easy way to say this. Oh, my God.

Let's face it, Jackie.

Some relationships just are not meant to last forever.

Yeah, but this one, you know, I thought would be different.

Oh, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Men are dogs.

Oh, they are.

Roseanne, they are dogs.

And they are pigs. And they are swine.

Which are pigs.

Yeah, but at least pigs have an excuse.

They're pigs.

So what is it with men? Why are they so pathetic?

I don't know. I guess they're just little babies, you know, and they miss

mommies or something. They got to get somebody else to take care of them.

That's why they always fall in love with their maids or waitresses or nurses,

you know.

I can't believe it's over.

Finished. Good point.

Well, now that it's over, I want you to know something.

I never really liked the guy anyhow.

What? It was all like an act, you know? He smelled the money.

How can you say that?

Because I'm just being honest.

And honestly, I can't even believe that it lasted this long.

I mean, I didn't believe it when I read it in the Globe or the Star.

But when I seen it in the Enquirer, I knew it had to be true.

It was in the Enquirer?

Jackie, we are going to get through this together.

You know, I've always thought this about the royals. They're nothing but trailer

trash with titles.

Look at her. She looks just like Dr.

Ruth.

You

know, I

don't know about DJ Tape and the birth.

Oh, he'll be fine.

Hey, DJ, what's the tape of our friend Janet giving birth? This is an excellent

example of what we're looking for.

Yo, Spielberg, pillow?

See, the camera is present, but unobtrusive, you know?

Okay, DJ, just to help you out, that person in the middle of the screen is a

woman.

Well, okay, there she is. She's 100 % effaced.

Okay, it's crowning.

The doctor picking up the scissors to perform the episiotomy.

Just a little clip of the perineum to make room for the baby's head.

Man, that's a lot of blood.

Here comes the baby. God, isn't that beautiful?

Wow, look at that gush of amniotic fluid.

This share catalog's got some stuff I think we'll both like, like this

wallpaper. Okay, this here's a chastity belt, but from a distance, I think it

looks like a tool belt.

Yeah, great.

So, I told Jackie about the prince.

She didn't even seem mad at that.

But you know Jackie.

Yeah, well, if he's anything like the Moldavians, I've met the hell with him.

Well, she said his toes were all webbed and stuff, you know, because all the

inbreeding, I guess.

Look, Roseanne, a lot's gone down over the last six months, and I've had a real

hard time dealing with it.

Well, yeah, it's been rough on all of us, Dan, but, you know, now that you're

home, we'll get back to normal.

Well, yeah, even though I'm home, I still feel like I'm somewhere else.

Well, that's because you've got a lot of that residual California crap still

left out in your system, you know.

You'll be fine again once you get back to drinking water out of the tap.

You know, I was alone in a way out there. I had a lot of time to think

things.

And I feel like there's something inside. You know, something's missing.

Like there's a big hole there.

Well, as long as there's no exit wound, I don't think we should worry about it.

I don't know what I'm seeing here.

I got something really hard to tell you, and I don't know how to start.

Well... I am your wife, Dan.

Roseanne, something really, really awful has happened. I've met someone.

Someone? I met a woman.

Okay, so by met, you don't mean just met, or it wouldn't

have taken you so long to tell me.

It's more than just met.

How much more?

I met her at the hospital.

Oh, yeah?

So there's a chance she'll be dead soon?

She's my mother's nurse.

What? I didn't sleep with her.

Roseanne, you've got to believe this. I did not go looking for this. I didn't

plan on this. If I had a choice, this wouldn't have happened. If you had a

choice... You didn't really say that to me, did you? I'm sorry. It's just...

Look, after I had my heart attack, I got spooked. I started facing my own

mortality.

Oh, I get it.

She's younger.

Oh, Rosie. No, I'm right, aren't I? How much younger than me is she?

Come on, Rosie. What do you want me to say?

So what does she do for you, Dan?

She hangs on your every word? What, she rubs the knots out of the back of your

neck? Does your mother know what you are doing out there?

No. I don't know what I was doing out there.

I don't know what else to say.

Well, are you in love with her?

I'm very confused.

I know that I still love you.

Oh, my God. Who wrote that line?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, this never would have happened if we hadn't won that money, would it?

So what now, Dan? We're part of the privileged class, and I get to give you

typical response of the numb society wife, like I'm supposed to look the

way when they catch you in a hotel with some call girl?

Well, I don't have that blindness that only money can buy, Dan. I'm not Rose

Kennedy.

I'm working class.

And that means there's a right and there's wrong.

There's black and there's white.

And no amount of money is going to get me to see gray.

I know that.

And I know that I have a duty to this family and I intend to see it through.

So that's what we are to you after all these years, Dan, your duty, right?

Well, isn't that just great for you? Then you get to be the hero and the

Well, don't bother, Dan, because while you were gone, I learned something, too.

I'm going to be fine.

It's killing me, Roseanne. You've got to understand this is tearing me apart.

After all these years, this is truly, truly the very last thing I would have

ever expected out of you, Dana.

Your duty is over.

You're free.

Go.

You know.

I overheard him on the phone. Why didn't you tell me? I thought it was better

coming from him, but if he didn't tell you, then I was gonna.

God. God, it's like I never knew him.

If he could do this to you after everything that you guys have been

then maybe you're better off.

You know what I just figured out?

We got dumped on the very same day.

Oh, now that's a first.

Well, I know you're not used to it, but I am, so.

And I'll tell you something, too. This is not an ending. This is a beginning.

I knew something was going on. I told you. Listen to me.

We are young, we are rich, and...

We are free. We are entering the prime of our lives, and there is no man there

to hold us back.

We have got one less egg to answer, one less bell to fry.

We can do anything we want to do.

So don't you worry, because we're going to get through this together.

Okay, I can do this.

Having a child is just a natural part of life.

Okay, just like watching ER.

Here we go.

Oh, boy.

Okay, here we go. You can do it.

Come on, Janet.

Way to go, Janet.

You can do it.

I can see the...