Original subtitles

Another two weeks?

But, Dan, I want you home. We've never been apart on Thanksgiving.

I miss you.

Oh, I'm not going to cry.

So how is your mom?

Good.

Well, you've missed a lot of stuff around here.

Darlene's oldest daughter won the spelling bee.

And the DJ just got out of the joint yesterday, served three of the fives.

And did I tell you? I want you home.

God, Dan, without you here, just... Things just aren't the same.

What's gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China?

Oh, that rhyming with a drum.

You're the one thing that I want.

While waiting for my turn in that age of lights on a rainbow.

But you also get some sun that will make out better than okay.

Do you hear what I say?

Yeah!

This new poster blows my mind. I mean, every morning I've selected a different

shade, you know?

And it has yet to disappoint.

Plus, you know, the toast doesn't just... pop up, it gently ascends.

Man, I hope that dullness gene is recessive.

Good morning.

Happy Turkey Day, Mrs. Connor. You want a cup of coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, where is my, my other mug is a shot glass mug?

I put the coffee mugs here above the coffee machine. It just makes more

I'll move them back now.

Hi everybody.

Darlene, how you doing?

Well, I've had morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the window when

you're driving sickness, my shoes don't fit, my rings don't fit, my clothes

don't fit, my vision's blurry, and if you want to sit a spell, I'll tell you

about my brand new hemorrhoids.

Takes about ten minutes.

I still cannot get over this place. It's so bright and shiny.

It's clean.

That's what it is. It's clean.

That's what it is. Cooking it to ruin it.

Hey, hey, hey. Have you checked out my new covers, though?

Real wood, not the peel -off kind.

Well, do you have any idea what these babies go for on the prices, right? You

are living large.

And it only gets larger, Jackie. Listen.

I don't hear a thing.

Exactly.

Whisper quiet, because this new dishwasher is top of the line.

Yes, sirree. The Connor family has entered the 1970s.

Hello.

Caterers, I love you. And it's real this time. Not like that fleeting love I had

for the pizza delivery boy.

Now, I need to know where you keep your silverware.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Where'd you move my spoons?

I thought of closer proximity to my mistake.

So, is there anything at all that we can do? Nothing. Excuse me. Sure.

You know, usually I'd be a lot more help.

Working.

Dear, why don't you do nothing in the living room?

Well, so, uh... Hey, let's watch the Macy's Parade. Yeah, you know, I've

actually seen that.

I could use a nap.

Isn't this couch awesome?

It's green and slanty.

What's not to like?

Yeah, and that TV just makes the room, doesn't it?

Watching insects do it on the Discovery Channel now is going to be really

creepy.

You don't think it's too big, do you? I mean, everything is kind of working,

right? Yeah, absolutely.

It works. It just, you know, it takes a little bit of getting used to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I'm the same size as these guys.

Hit me, I'm open, I'm open.

What a TV.

You know, it's no wonder men fall asleep on holidays.

It is exhausting watching people cook.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I would have been here sooner, but homeless people were lying.

up around the shelter and that caused a horrible traffic jam. It's so

inconvenient they should close on holidays.

Mother, I am so proud of you. You've learned to say homeless people instead

bombs.

What's that?

It's a jello mold with kiwis.

Mother, we have caterers this year. Everything is done.

Did they bring a jello mold?

No, they did not.

Well, then I suppose... Someone should say, thank you, mother.

Go ahead, Jimmy.

Thank you, mother.

Butterfingers.

Man, there must be like ten guys in that pile.

Ten guys in a pile.

New Year's Eve, 1976.

1938.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! There's no eating in the living room!

Since when?

Since... I don't know.

But you're not supposed to eat in a nice living room like this, are you?

Well, hey, we have our shirts on.

Yeah, well, that doesn't matter, because I've seen, you know, pictures of fancy

living rooms in magazines.

Now, they either have food in them or people in them, but they never have

God!

architectural digest is a dangerous thing.

Can anybody hear the doorbell?

Yes, thank you.

Jackie,

happy Thanksgiving.

Carlos, it's a pleasure to see you again.

And you.

Everyone rise!

May I present to you Prince Carlos, Philip, Jonathan, Kent,

Arthur William Hobson Pepe Charmaine.

Hello, everyone.

Your Highness, I just want you to know we have that picture of you and Leon

dancing together right up on our mantle next to our wedding picture.

Yeah, it's lit by a baby spot in a soft pink filter.

Well, thank you.

Look at that. That guy's put his pants down the back.

Don't go to commercial.

Are you drinking Moldavia?

Yes, but don't feel you have to keep up with me.

I'll get us a couple more glasses and then we'll see who keeps up with whom,

naughty prince.

You scare him off, I'll break your good hip.

Suzanne, what are you doing in here?

I'm helping.

They're yams etouffee.

Yams? Where's the marshmallows?

Had a Girl Scout picnic where they belong.

Putting marshmallows on the yams is the fun part.

Listen, if you want marshmallows on your yams, let me do it. Now, come on. All

right. Roseanne, you're paying these guys a lot of money to do the job, so

let... Now, come on. Come on.

No, I have nothing to do out there. Well, you have nothing to do in here

All right, fine. I'll be out there in a minute.

59, 58, 57, 56, 55, 54.

Here's how.

Back in a jiffy.

Hey, Prince, did your father ever fix that leaky roof on the east wing of the

palace? Yes, but how on earth did you know about that?

Well, I boinked your father a couple of times.

To Moldavia.

Three Moldavia.

Mother, are you harassing the prince?

Must you puncture every balloon I send up?

Carlos, is she bothering you?

Oh, no, sirree, Bob.

No, sirree, what?

Oh, dear, I'm sorry. I went two years to the University of Texas.

Every now and again, after a...

A few cocktails, I have sort of a linguistic flashback. But you're okay

You betcha, sister.

I mean, yes, of course.

You know, you guys are pretty good with kids. How does a buck an hour and all

the Froot Loops you can eat sound?

We have been reading up a lot lately on raising children.

Should I tell them?

Leanne, we decided to wait until we were sure. Oh, I know. I know, but I'm just

so excited, Scott. Oh, go, go.

Everybody, Scott and I are going to adopt a baby.

That is so great!

Thank you.

is great. You know, that My Two Dads was a great show.

Congratulations, you guys. Thank you, David. You know, just for the hell of

why don't one of you have something ripped from your pelvis anyway?

You're gonna adopt a baby?

Well, we tried to conceive naturally, but we just didn't seem to have any luck

at all.

idea, two gay men adopting a child.

Mother! I read somewhere that this is how they recruit.

They can't have children of their own, so they have to adopt to freshen their

rank.

Hey, Ma, what do you say after dinner, me and you just march right into

Stay out of their business, Mother, okay? Don't you tell me what to do!

Why don't you just drink up? bev you've got a long drive home just a

minute i'm watching the game i know what i know and that is a fact i will not be

reasoned with you don't know squat i do know one thing daughters can tear the

heart out of a mother with one word oh

Well, don't start or they'll turn on us.

your theory about half the Supreme Court being on the Vatican payroll.

See, I told you we should have kept our mouths shut. You know, you're binding

me.

It's hotter than a jalapeno in hell in here.

I'm just getting homey, sweet pea. All right, well, what do you say we red

the wine for now?

Okay.

There's a lot of negativity and alcohol in this room. I think it would be great

if we all just went around the table and said one thing that we're really

thankful for.

Oh, God.

Hey,

come on now. I think David's dumb idea is great.

Everybody go around and say something that you're thankful for. That's

wonderful. Well, I'm happy we won all that money.

Well, not just the money, but the stuff the money borrows, you know?

No, no, no. Not about the money.

You know, something more meaningful, something important to you.

I can't. I'm sorry.

You're married to my daughter, Mark.

Dear Lord, thank you for Miss Conner's daughter, the blonde one. Thanks again.

Yeah, and I'm thankful for all this delicious food and the cute guys who are

serving it.

Well, I'm thankful that my life experience...

It allowed me to remain open -minded.

Stop making a ball out of your bread.

They're all cut from the same cloth, which is why I don't particularly care

men. Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them. By the end

of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I

off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first.

Most everybody's gay.

We just marry so folks won't hang us.

You know what just really fries me?

Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls, you

know. You paint our fingernails. You tell us always to cross our legs and act

like little ladies.

You're like, don't ever act too smart because you may not get a man.

Republican mother is a great big old lesbo.

Welcome to the club, Bev.

We'll teach you the secret handshake.

Like I miss them stuff, you know. Like the couch and that spot on the rug that

used to look like Mr.

French.

Well, I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this, but I didn't give all our

to charity like you asked.

I saved some stuff.

Yeah, no kidding. Like what?

Like that picture of the dogs playing poker and that lamp that DJ hit his head

on, you know, after I threw it at him.

And there's one other thing.

That looks different. You didn't wash it, did you?

God, no.

Yeah.

I don't know. It just didn't feel like a regular Thanksgiving, did it?

Well, it did have its weird moments.

What with Grandma saying she was gay and the prince going Ozark on us.

No, that part felt like the regular Thanksgiving.

It's just, I mean, like, I'm not tired. My back doesn't hurt. I don't have any

burns on my hands.

Well, have another piece of pie. Maybe you'll get indigestion.

It's just the weirdest thing, you know, because, like, when you're poor, you

hear people say stuff like money doesn't buy happiness, and right away you

think, oh, yeah, you're just not shopping in the right place, idiot.

And then we win this big lottery, you know, we go crazy at the spa and in New

York, and then come back home and your dad's not here, and it's Thanksgiving,

you know. I haven't done anything for my family.

I don't know. I just realized money is just money.

You guys, do you know, are we supposed to tip the caterers? Because I just

one of them say, those rich bozos wouldn't know the holiday spirit if it

them in the ass.

Tip the caterers?

Usually our biggest problem is whether to scrub the pan or just throw it out.

I just feel like I want to do something, you know?

I don't want to feel like this big...

useless, rich jerk.

Come on, Mom, you're not useless.

You bought dinner for all of us.

Yeah, but that's not my style. I'm not the kind of person that buys stuff. I'm

the kind of person that does stuff.

You can buy stuff and do stuff, too.

Yeah.

Here's what we ought to do.

Here's a plate and an extra plate in case that guy you're talking to ever

up.

There you go.

You know, if you were down at the mission, they'd make you sing a dozen

before they doled out the chow.

Hey, weren't you in line just a couple of minutes ago with a different hat?

I admire your style.

Jackie, give this guy an extra helping of French yam.

Buttery yams. If you want any more, come back. But do remember, they are high in

fat.

Hey, Mom, this was a great idea.

Yeah, it really was, wasn't it? I mean, I'm feeding people.

I'm exhausted.

I busted up a fight. I burned the hell out of my finger.

Finally, it feels like Thanksgiving.

Every man's dream, huh? A great meal, an overtime football game, and now we get

to watch The Wizard of Oz.

Perfect. Perfect holiday.

Judy. Oh, Judy.

It's all about our cowardly lion here. I heard he wasn't so cowardly. Oh, stop

it.

I'll tell you something else I've heard about the tin man.

What? All true. He was not just tin. Steel. Man of steel. You know, there

rumors that they were gay.

Oh, yeah, but in those days there were rumors that everyone was gay, except, of

course, ironically, Rock Hudson and Liberace.

Nobody dreamt that Rock Hudson... Well, they dreamt that Rock Hudson... God, I'm

not a lesbian, though.

Why's that?

Well, you know, what do you do?