Original subtitles

I don't know what to do about Astrid who keeps bringing home these stray people.

Well, then, Mother, why don't you just have her committed again?

Just for a few weeks.

Like last time.

Oh, I hate to spend the money.

Mother, it's me, your Astrid. I'm home.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, darling, I missed you so.

And look what I've brought.

Connors.

I met Roseanne and Jackie at the spa, fell in love, they're so fresh, met them

again in New York, even fresher, and I brought them here.

Yeah, so this is Andy, DJ, Bev, Jerry, Mark, Becky, Jackie, and Roseanne.

And this is Kiki, Lily, Chip, Doris, Astrid, and... Where's my porson?

You know I like to have my porson here when I get home.

Porson's somebody's name?

Yes, it's Astrid's son.

Whether it's a name is debatable, but it's what she chose.

Now, Mommy, I know I am not your precious chippy, but couldn't you at

pretend to like me?

Oh, darling, don't be so oversensitive. You know I love all my children the

same. Well, just because I was the one on the boat with Daddy when he died does

not mean I am responsible for his death. No, of course not, darling.

Daddy just fell off all by himself.

Man, I'm starving.

Oh, forgive me. That's so rude of us.

Won't you join us?

The eggs benedict are absolutely divine.

And if you don't favor eggs, cook and prepare almost anything you'd like.

No, that's okay. We'll just see what... Would you like to change?

Why, all we're going to do is eat.

But you're in your travel clothes.

We really don't mind eating in our travel clothes. I mean, sometimes we

sleep in them.

Um, darling, do show your friends up to their room so they can freshen up.

Verna, set a few more places at the table, please.

What if I just want to grab a sausage? Do I have to change for that?

You see, we change our clothes for each unit of the day.

Morning, breakfast, morning activities, lunch, nap, cocktails, dinner, and after

dinner. You change your clothes eight times a day?

On average.

We don't have eight changes of clothes total.

We're never going to fit in here.

I watched that Martha Stewart. We'll be fine.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

What's going to last longer than that greatest wall in China?

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I...

While waiting for my turn Is that in each life of a rainfall But you also

get some sun And we'll make out better than okay Hear

what I say Yeah, I do

like a sweater.

Oh, no, thanks. They're all fine. All right.

They all changed their clothes again.

I've asked Werner to put out some extra clothes for them.

Yes, the primary colors. The hallmark of the working class.

Hello, fellow. Hey.

Ow.

I got you.

Marge, DJ, I'd like you to meet Flip and Skip.

Skip, Flip, and Skip?

You gotta be hosing me.

Oh, we've taken that ribbing before, eh, fellows?

Have we?

Of course, at Chote, we always gave the business to Ray, Trey, and Gray.

So, we were hoping maybe you boys would like to join us for a little game of,

uh, touch football.

Sounds cool.

Okay, we're not changing clothes between borders.

Would anyone like a drink? We've got screwdrivers, mimosas, Bloody Marys, Tom

Collins, Boilermaker.

Astrid, it's 10 .30 in the morning. I know.

My daughter is a child of the modern age. In my day, we had our first drink

10 .15 sharp.

Beverly, you look like a mimosa girl.

Oh, Doris, it's like you've known me all my life.

Well, anyone can tell that you're a woman of taste and breeding.

Yeah, anybody that starts drinking at 10...

Touch football?

Yeah, I'm begging your pardon.

Well, Astrid, where's your husband?

Well, he went to visit his mother in a mental institution.

That's where my husband is, too.

We really have moved up in class.

There we go, sugar.

He's still breathing.

Now, you knock that off.

I've told you before, you do not throw things at the nice rich lady.

Stop it.

Hello, how are you?

Hello.

I'm afraid Grandmama's a little hard of hearing.

Women in football don't mix old sport.

DJ, why don't you take a break and I'll give you a tour of the house?

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Hey, filling in for DJ Connor, number 32 on your program, number one in your

heart is Jackie Harris!

All right, go get him, Jackie.

Hey, Becky, Connor, women are not just cheerleaders. Get out of here.

Both ears. Now you guys are toast!

My dear departed husband, Reginald Wentworth. To Daddy.

What a life, man. You guys, you just sit around, drink until you get gout, and

then your servant carts you around in a wheelchair.

Yes, but to break up the busy day, I thought we might bring the children out

amuse us.

here. Mommy's playing football, huh? And Mommy's kicking butt.

Oh, hello, Jerry. Did you like your nap?

How did that 100 % pure Egyptian cotton treat you, huh?

Would you like to play ball, Parson?

Yeah. He would.

Go over.

Look how wonderful he is.

No, don't go after it. Don't go up the porch. Come to Mommy.

have like a whole party in here.

Oh, yeah.

You can do a lot of things in here.

You've got great hair.

Thanks.

Have some pretzels.

You're one of those bad boys, aren't you?

What'd I do?

Nothing. But I know what you want to do.

You do?

Public schools?

Your torn jeans and sweaty t -shirts?

You like to stay out late at night.

Rip antennas off cars.

Steal?

Well,

I did take my parents' car once, but... I knew it!

I bet you have African -American friends, too.

Yeah, don't you?

Oh, DJ.

I've always wanted to do it with a boy from the street.

This isn't your first time, is it? Yes, I mean, no, I mean, I've been with lots

of women, just not here in the vineyard.

Must have been mall chicks and waitresses.

Shouldn't you two be wearing sweaters?

I thought this was dinner.

No, Mark, it's an appetizer, like that thing they put in the upper right -hand

corner of the TV dinner.

Hey, where are all the Wentworths?

Oh, they're upstairs.

Changing again.

Sitting here in the lap of luxury, I just can't help thinking about the

starving children of the world. I really don't think I've been doing all I can

for the great unwashed. So, the next time I'm at the drive -by...

an extra quarter in the Sally Struthers can.

Oh, man.

Look at this.

Oh, wow. I think we found Doris' stash.

Emerald, Valium, Rosac.

Wow. Xanax, Percocet, Lithium. This chick is loose.

What do you think this is for?

Hey, look at that. You made a butler appear.

And he's bearing gifts.

You really liven up a poor butler's life.

You know, I must suck having a job with the word but in it.

Hey, take a load off here, Verner. We want to buy you a drink.

Mind you, I simply cannot have you laughing in your dining attire.

Verna, would you tell Cook that we're ready for dinner?

Man, look at that.

Three, four plates.

I don't know how many glasses.

I know, there's so many things on the table, I don't even know where to put my

elbows.

So, Roseanne, what do people in the Midwest do?

You know, raise family, farm, just regular stuff like, you know, work at

Hmm, you lost me.

Doris, could you please pass me the bread there, if it isn't a bother or

anything?

Bread is never a bother, dear.

Not when it's baked, not when it's sliced, and not when it's served.

Oh, I know, I was just... Excuse me, Astrid?

Yes? I don't mean to be rude, but who's that?

You missed the introduction. This is Dr.

Harundi V. Bhasti of the University of Calcutta.

Hello?

So, Dr.

Bakshi there, what brings you to the good old U .S. of A.? I'm doing a

fellowship at the Kennedy School of Government in Boston.

Oh, well, that sounds like fun.

I get a kick out of it.

What I'm finding, however, is that the American views on foreign policy are at

their very least cloistered. No, I totally disagree.

I think the cliché of the cloistered American is an anachronism.

Did you say...

India or Indiana?

India.

India. Oh.

Yeah, I didn't ever see that Gandhi movie.

But was it Gandhi 2 or 3 where he gets in that big fight with Mr. T?

Oh, anyway. Hey, what's the deal with the untouchables?

In our country, we have a caste system.

The untouchables are on the lowest rung.

They are less than us.

Their lives are a drudgery.

They get the most undesirable jobs.

Oh. Yeah, we have that here. We just call them illegal aliens.

Nobody else is talking to him.

Okay, listen.

Can I just say something? You know, before dinner when you came out there

you saw us and we were kind of... making a joke at the expense of your family.

Well, we would really like to say that we're sorry and we didn't mean to offend

you.

Yes, well, thank you for your words, Roseanne.

A brilliant long gustine, eh, Chubby?

Never you.

No, really, I just want you to know that we're very, very sorry.

Roseanne, we thank you for your words.

And that was the end.

a light on?

No. These people are like moths. They'll be down here in a second.

Think they're still mad at us?

Well, I think we'd have to cut them open to find out.

God, they've got rules for everything.

Rules for what to wear, rules for how to eat, rules for how to sit.

Uh -oh.

Oh, it's you.

Thought maybe the help was stealing again.

Well, since I'm here, I'm going to get a little bicarb. I've got indigestion.

Well, that's understandable.

I thought it was Daddy.

I thought I saw Daddy's ghost.

Daddy's ghost stole my pen. He broke my glass unicorn.

I am sick to death of Daddy's ghost.

Maybe Daddy broke the horn of the unicorn so it would feel like the other

Come on, Doris, you hardly ate anything at dinner.

I'm fine, really. I mean, really, you only had, like, what, a couple of peas,

and who's to say you kept any of that down? I said I'm not hungry.

Mother, it's all right. There's nothing wrong with coming down to the kitchen

for a sandwich.

But it's not why I came here.

Take the damn sandwich!

Did you just yell at me? You bet your ass I did.

Take the damn sandwich!

How can you speak to me like that?

Oh, who are you to be putting on those ears?

We all know what the family was built on.

Bootlegging, gambling, bimbos.

God, that felt good. I've kept it inside for 80 years.

Lucky for you, my teeth didn't fly out.

This is just what all of you people need.

What in heaven's name is she talking about? You need to get mad. You need to

yell. Let it out. Then you won't need to drink so much or to start foreign wars.

We don't start wars, we just profit from them.

Oh, we start some.

Now listen to what this lady has to say.

Roseanne Keecha.

Doris Wentworth, I'm going to tutor you in the fine art of female anger.

I don't think so.

Well, I'm sure with your proper upbringing you realize that it is rude

the request of a guest.

She's got you there, Mumsy.

I'll give you one minute.

Great. Well...

Start by loosening up.

Unclasp those arms, Doris. Take the pole out.

Come on, put your legs apart, Doris.

And plan on firmly, because once you start yelling, you might find yourself

balance. How do you feel?

A tad wrong.

Good. Now repeat after me.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone.

I am not... Stop. It is not I am. It's I'm.

I'm not taking any...

Do I have to say the C word? Yes, you do, Doris. You have to say it because

the most important word in the whole damn Senate.

Trust her, Doris. She's very good at this.

I'm not taking any crap from anyone.

That was pretty good, but are you serving tea, Doris? You've got to make

shrill and grating. I'm not taking any crap from anyone. You know what?

Fingernails on a chalkboard.

any damn crap from anyone. Do you hear that, Asherine?

How do you feel?

I feel... fan -freaking -tastic.

See, now you won't need to take those pills anymore.

I won't? No, women who yell don't need pills.

Men invented pills to shut women...

me that that's not the first time you've done that, Astrid. She's a little too

good to be a beginner.

No, no, no, no, no. This is the first time I've ever done it, I swear.

Roseanne, I think we've got ourselves a natural.

All right, practice makes perfect. Give it to me again, baby, right in the face.

I said no, Debbie!

I believe our work here is done.

I'm hungry,

too. Yelling makes you hungry. Hungry. Wait till you see how much you can eat

after you start breaking things.

May I make a suggestion?

Stella. My God, the help.

Roseanne, you're good, but there's something missing.

Do tell.

You got to put some bottom into it.

Give it some body language.

You know, get that hip going.

Okay, and then get that head going.

That's it, that's it. Now give them the hand.

That's it. And then you tell them, get up!

Connors are a hoop.