Original subtitles

Over here, over here.

Hey, look, I'm the nanny.

Get out of here.

Okay, the key to fitting into New York society is acting like you don't want to

be here.

Actually, the coolest thing would be if we just left right now. Oh, I don't want

to leave. New York parties are more exciting than I ever thought they could

And this one's for charity.

I don't know which one, but if Liz Taylor's involved, you know it has to be

something really bad.

Of course, this is nothing like New York in its prime.

Let's face it. This city died years ago when Lou Reed walked into that methadone

clinic. What are we going to talk to these people about?

Hey, we could talk to them about the Golden Chamber Spa.

Oh, how was it there?

Oh, it was...

Oh, God, I just remembered.

Spas are out.

No.

So, uh... I'm dating a prince. We can talk to him about that.

Well, that seems like bragging.

Bragging's in.

All right, we're home free.

Okay, girls, look.

I know you're new at this, so I'm going to volunteer to be your guide.

Now, look, if we get separated... Oh, Vendula, honey, I need to talk to you.

What? We get separated what?

Drink.

Until us is making us stronger, we're gonna last longer than that greatest

wall in China.

Oh, that rabbit with the drum is the one thing that I've heard

while waiting for my turn. It's that in each light of a rainbow, but you

also get some sun that will make us better.

Well, I don't know. I guess we ought to mingle a little better.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right.

So... How are things going at the diner?

Don't mingle with me!

Come on, we'll take a lap.

remarkable woman. Yes, she is the editor of Manhattan Magazine.

Oh, I love that magazine. It's extra heavy for killing the big bugs.

So I said to him, darling, you're Gore Vidal. Of course your story could be a

day late.

Genius does not punch a time clock.

I remember you from the Vanderbilt.

You're married to the delightful arms dealer, are you not?

Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, he's wrapping up a deal right now at

Junior High.

I'm Estée Lange.

You're Estée Lange?

Oh, my God. Oh, like in the perfume and the makeup and all that?

In the flesh. Oh, my God.

I'm Jackie Harris. This is Roseanne Connor.

I'm so glad to meet you.

Man, she must have a fever or something. Her hand is hot as hell.

Martini, boy!

They're really very good. I've just had three of them myself.

You look like 108 million dollars.

Astrid, remember?

You can call me Bobo. This is my husband, Gardner. You can call him

call him Peanut.

Were you in town for the Jackie O auction?

We couldn't wait to get our hands on some of her things.

Oh, she had wonderful things.

Colleen Dewar thought I hear she had lovely things. Yeah.

We've already got red dots on Barbara Streisand's things.

May she live forever.

I wish I brought a camera.

Oh, shall I tell you who's here? Let's see. Oh, there's Dibs Huntsford and, uh,

Dee Dee Rottweiler and over... Baby Doxant and Ulrika Schnauzer and

the woman I admire most in the world, Bixie Hamburfark and Burger Bender.

She is the perfect weight for New York. Two pounds above organ failure.

There's two other people you must meet. They were at the auction as well. You

stay here.

Stay money.

Thank you, darling.

There they are over there.

108 million lottery winners.

They'll be coming from their fingers like ticker tape by the time I finish

them.

That's them.

Liz? Oh, my God, what did Larry Fortensky do to her?

And who's that drag queen with her? Come, come, come.

Come meet, come meet. Come meet.

Eddie, Pat.

Hello. This is Ruthanne and Jackie. Hello.

We're dating a prince. Dating a prince.

It must be Edward.

I'll get some drinks, darling. We need olding up. Yeah, yeah.

Who's the drag queen?

Hey, Pat.

Need any help with those drinks?

Yeah, thanks, old man.

Eddie, you have to tell her what you bought at the auction. I'll leave.

Oh, not the pink dress.

Well, the pink dress.

The pink bick.

The pink bick?

The lady's chick. What do you want with a razor?

DNA.

Do you understand?

Okay, you've got Jackie Kennedy's DNA on the razor. No, I don't get it.

Why? See this little spot of blood here? Don't touch it. I don't want yours

mingling in there.

See that?

This spot of blood contains Jackie's dino...

Borrelinic nuclear acid.

Jurassic Park.

That's nice.

What do you think?

Hmm.

Delicious.

Seventy proof.

We're going to clone Jackie O.

Just one of them. We can have hundreds of them. We can have thousands of them.

You know, we can have little Jackies of all ages.

We can have herds of Jackie, raptors, rolling through the Misty Valley.

It's going to be a theme park.

You can go from Bouvier to Onassis in one simple tram ride. It's fantastic.

Oh, I get it. It's kind of like Dollywood.

Except for, like, Jackiewood.

Yeah.

Six flags over Jackie. That's it.

Eurojackie. Yeah.

But it's only the beginning. I mean, with your money, we can have a DNA bank.

People can leave their DNA now so they can be theme -parked when they die.

Yeah? Are you in?

Well, I don't know. Do I get to be chairman of the board or skipper or

How much did you go?

108 million. Hello, boss.

How about you?

Well, I gotta hand it to you. The way you walk so well in those heels, you

had me convinced.

That's a very covering foundation you use.

You have a problem with stubble? Yeah, yeah.

Not on my face.

Rosanna Connolly.

I'm going to do your publicity, darling.

Come on, talk to me, talk to me.

Come on, tell me, how many children have you got, darling?

How many?

Four.

Well, you'll have to lose two. We'll get Mia Farrow to adopt him.

You're not a man at all, are you, Jackie? I'm not a man.

I'm not a man. No, no, I can't believe you actually thought I was an actual

because I'm, like, so far away from being an actual man.

birth to a child. I breastfed a little baby.

These are real.

The milk comes out of these.

The ironic thing is that I thought that you were a man.

Well, I was once for about a year.

And then what happened?

Well, it dropped off.

I'm going to change your image for you. I'm going to change your image for you.

I don't want my image to be changed. Oh, dear, when's your image changed? Get

yourself another drink.

I'm going to make you the next Heavy Belly Illy Billy.

Fat is back. I can see it now. You can never be too fat or too rich. Go,

Brittany.

It won't cost you very much. It's just going to be a small percentage of your

total capital growthage.

Come on, you're so mad at me, darling. I'll get you anything. I'll get you...

people spread. I'll get you the Kathy Reese's to the East Coast. No, no, no.

No, Rodan, don't do Kathy Lee. Not Kathy Lee. Kathy Lee made little children

work in sweatshirts in the heat.

between her show, her Christmas special, all the things she does for little

Cody, plus the daughter, whatever the hell her name is.

Do you really think she has time to be on a cruise ship as well as overseeing

things in some Honduras sweatshop at the very same time? My God, the woman is

only human.

You know, when you think about it, maybe those children were lucky.

not even FINE!

Bow unto our midnight dance. The souls of hell have chosen you. For a purpose

you will discover.

In another world, a parallel reality.

The scent. The scent.

It is ready.

It is ready.

You shall deliver what we want.

It belongs to your daughter, Darlene.

Drink, drink.

All right, all right. But if I'm going to drink it, I want it from that witch.

Mom, is this normal? I mean, I'm so big and I'm only eight weeks pregnant.

I don't know how to tell you this, Darlene, but this isn't normal for eight

years pregnant.

Good evening, neighbors. Hello there.

Hello. We would invite you in, but then I guess we would be too late.

It's okay, Mom. This is Al and Edna Von Mies. They live next door.

My dear, you are getting bigger every day.

We know the top obstetrician in town. I'll have him sent right over.

Well, we already have a doctor that we like.

I strongly recommend you switch to ours.

What are you, one of those thugs from Blue Cross?

Oh, Ed, look.

We brought you a thermos of tannis root tea.

Yes, we did.

Aren't you forgetting something, Al?

What, dear?

Oh, he'd lose his head if it wasn't spiked onto his neck.

The amulet.

Oh, yes, the amulet.

Here it is.

Now, you just wear this all the time.

It'll keep away the good.

I mean, evil spirit.

Listen, you just keep drinking that tea, all right?

All right. Bye -bye. Drink the tea, dear.

You know, Darlene, I don't want to pick your friends for you, but I hate those

people.

Man, I'm hungry.

Ew. Oh!

What is that you're eating, Darlene?

Raw chicken gizzards.

Alan Edmondson would be good for the baby.

You're not an animal.

Oh, my God. What did you say their names were again?

Al and Edna Von Meest. Al and Edna Von Meest.

My God, Darlene, their names spell out Evil Demon Satan.

No way.

Yes, and they also spell out Save Damien, not El.

And Damien was that horrible devil kid in The Omen. Who's El? I don't know.

Listen, we've got to get you out of here now.

You worry about a thing.

You can trust us.

This is my first grandkid, and I'll be damned if I don't see it.

How ironic.

You'll also be damned if you do.

What have you done to it?

What have you done to its eyes?

They're his father's eyes, Roseanne.

What are you talking about?

Those are not David's eyes.

David is not his father, Roseanne. His father is the Prince of Darkness.

Your daughter, you should be very honored.

There's nothing wrong with my baby.

He's just my widdle -biddle precious.

Man,

is he going to be difficult as a teenager.

It's really not fair for the devil to take my grandchild.

I have never done anything to the devil. It's not like I go to church or

nothing.

Roseanne, now that you know the truth, I think it would be better if you left.

That's right, but don't worry. You can visit the child any time you like.

It'll be hot, but it's a nice dry heat.

No, not so fast. I demand to talk to the baby's father.

Well, unfortunately, Roseanne, the devil couldn't make it, but he did send a

lovely fruit basket.

Well, you tell him to get his ass in here right now, if he has an ass.

All right.

is not going to be happy about it.

I don't get it. Are you the devil?

No, Roseanne, I'm just his advocate.

But you look exactly like me. I take on whatever form your subconscious chooses

to give me. I almost came as a hamburger.

Well, whoever you are, I'm taking my grandson back.

I think that would be a mistake, Roseanne. What do you know about my

We know how to get him into the right network of people.

They only want what's best for him, Roseanne.

You'll be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.

You think that some amount of money is enough for me to sell you my flesh and

blood? Well, it's not like you're going to be able to go back home anymore.

You have become a have in a world of have -nots.

And that puts your grandson in a weird position.

Hey, I practically raised my sister and my husband and myself, my three grown

kids, plus my daughter's husband.

I was strong as a mother, but I am unstoppable as a grandmother.

You think you're so cool, but you've given me a lot of power. I can make you

too much, and I can make you steal. Remember those towels from Disney World?

What towels?

And I can make you lie.

Well, I'm a damn good mother, and you know that.

Obviously, the devil has a problem with women and a huge problem with mothers.

Well, mothers are the hardest to turn. But when we do get one, we party for

centuries.

I love my kids, even if they do have red beady eyes and horns and

hooves.

I love this kid no matter his race, creed, nationality, or sexual

Darn! I mean, damn!

Darlene, get your baby. We're going home.

You are so beyond grounded, Darlene.

Hey, that's my sister.

I'll do it.

What's happened?

You just tossed out them. To be blunt, darling, you're about three rounds

us.

Rox, now there you are. How can I ever thank you for your $100 ,000 donation to

our charity?

I didn't give you $100 ,000.

I'll need some of that to rehabilitate your image a percentage.

You are very happening right now. Do you know that? You are coming to stay at my

house on the vineyard this weekend. I won't take no.

We can go back to the party now. Everyone's willing to meet her.

I feel a little woozy. Oh, drink it up, sweetheart. Drink it up, sweetie.

You