Original subtitles

Wow. I believe they're here.

Welcome to the Golden Chamber Spa. I'm Carol.

You must be Roseanne and Jackie?

Yeah. You got anything to drink?

Yeah, the air conditioner in our cab was busted. Oh, man. It was so sticky, I

about pulled the whole back seat out with me.

Why don't we check you in, rinse off, and I'll meet you down here for your

evaluation. Yama, the bags.

And can you put us close to the soda machine?

I'm sweating like a pig, ma 'am.

I know that this is a bit awkward, but I do have to identify the problem area.

Roseanne, what is this back here?

Oh, well, that's a dowager's hump. A lot of Eastern European women have them.

I don't have one.

That's because I smashed yours when you were little.

You really are quite hairy, aren't you?

Well, I think it's just, you know, it's kind of thick and dark, so it looks like

there's a lot. You should have a bikini wax immediately.

I shave my thighs regularly.

I can see the stubble.

Jackie, your hair is thin.

Follicles are clogged. Root texture is rough.

I'm very sorry.

And Roseanne, I see lots of gray and split ends. And what is going on with

eyebrows?

I tried to light the pilot light last week.

Your skin is dirty.

Some scarring, I would recommend a facial every day.

It's unusual, but so is your skin.

Jackie.

Okay, yeah, a lot of dead skin on this face.

And those eye bags.

Wow.

Okay, next skin is not firm. It has very little elasticity.

Yours is looser than most. I'm not really sure what to recommend here.

Well, maybe we should just pack our bags and go home.

We do have a product from France.

It is a thigh cream, but I think that your neck would respond.

Jackie.

Your breasts are oddly shaped and too small for your body.

I am so sorry.

And, Roseanne, your derriere is badly in need of a reshaping

and a lift.

I guess we're probably the most disgusting people you've ever tried to

right?

We don't judge. We reveal and heal.

That's what we do here.

So, Jackie, why don't you hop up on the bike and we'll test your endurance.

Okay. And, Roseanne, we will measure your body fat.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each light of a rainbow, but you also get some sun.

It will make us better.

Yeah, I ain't dating.

No, Cleo, I'm dead.

must be airtight.

Gap spaces and openings will not be tolerated.

So this cleans out all the toxins, huh?

It is not a mere cleaning.

The impurities are purged by a relentless drive through

the skin.

I'm scared, Roseanne.

Ta -ta!

At least I can still move my fingers.

You are weak.

Pull!

Okay,

now I can't breathe.

Perfect! Now you will feel itching. It means that the toxins are

fleeing from the purification.

After that, report to the showers.

she hadn't said that thing about the itching.

Well, I haven't seen a worse case since maybe Janet Reno.

That's hitting below the belt.

And Ms. Reno refused the products that I recommended.

Just like Tommy Lee Jones and James Woods.

Well, we'll buy your products.

Oh, yeah, we'll get all your products.

Oh, good.

Your pores are engorged.

Oh, with what?

Debris.

That's why your face looks so rough and peasant -like.

You eat a lot of cheese. No dairy.

You know, the pores define the face.

They're little fountains that squirt garbage out of the body, and sometimes

fountain gets clogged. And that's what enlarges your pores.

Large pores make a face look tired and sheep.

What is that?

It's an extractor. It gets rid of blackheads, pimples, etc.

Ow! One.

Ow!

I'm just going to have to peel off this top face.

I recommend an acid peel.

Michael Jackson just swears by him. Oh, he's got beautiful skin.

you both on a very strict 800 calorie diet.

Well, you know what? I would like to know what Carol is eating tonight.

Tell me.

Tell me!

Ma 'am, please.

There's still dessert.

get us a pizza here in 30 minutes. No, don't. Don't you start that.

I'm gonna get two pepperoni pizzas with extra topping of two pepperoni pizzas.

Roseanne, you'll never get that past the guard at the gate.

Oh, yeah, I will, because you'll distract the guy, and I'll smack him

hump.

Roseanne.

Listen, if you are not with me, then you're against me. You can do it. People

can go a month without food.

Yeah, because they're idiots.

I need food.

I'm not going to make it, Jackie.

of protein.

Bean ham!

Hey.

Hi. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

No, but can I eat your dinner?

Let me know when you're the last man on earth.

Come on, let's shuffle back to our room and nap before lunch.

Maybe we'll get lucky and drop dead in our sleep. Now see, here we're in

trouble. Here comes the hike leader.

Excuse me, ladies.

Okay, well, yeah, we're going to quit the hike. Yeah, I'm kind of amazed you

made it this far.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, a woman of your size really shouldn't put so much strain on her

Are you saying that I can't finish that hike?

I'm just saying that not everyone was meant to be fit. Well, I'm fit.

Yeah, right, and I'm the World Boxing Council lightweight champion.

you bitch.

Jackie. What?

There's another squirrel and I am not letting this one get away.

Oh my God.

And reach forward to the fingertips of your left hand.

Drop the right shoulder underneath your thigh. Reach your right hand between

your legs.

Wrap your left arm around your body with your right hand. Grab onto your left

wrist. Inhale. Lift the chest away from the tailbone. Exhale. Press the arm

straight. Open up your chest towards the sky.

This is not human.

I thought yoga was about reefer and Ravi Shankar.

And now back on your buttocks.

Press the left heel forward. And with both hands, lift the foot.

over your head.

Hi, Pete.

I hate to disturb you, but I have a couple of openings for past life

therapy if anyone's interested.

I think at this point I would volunteer for lab testing.

for a person to question the reality of past lives. So let's begin by shaking

off our uncertainty and doubt. Just shake off that cosmic debris.

into this lifetime with these obstacles.

You with the eye bag and you so unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by breathing in the air through

our eyeball and bringing it down into our diaphragm.

Just follow Yama and I.

I didn't hear a thaw.

Inhale.

Thaw! Very nice.

Now just continue that gentle breathing in silence and close your eyes.

And know that what we call life, we have experienced many times in the

past.

Imagine yourselves in nature.

There's a fridge up ahead.

On the other side lies a lifetime you have not visited in

many years.

Go ahead, girl.

Cross the bridge.

Ha -ha! There she is. Xena, the warrior princess.

Get her!

you not to hit girls.

Zantepi, I should have known these men were with you.

Forget them, Zena.

I have come to give you a real challenge.

a big hand for all the hard work that you've accomplished this fall.

Now that you've achieved these beautiful bodies, it's a shame to cover them up.

But it is the law.

So it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you world -renowned fashion

designer

the era that we live in, and we're living in an era of self -expression,

colors, patterns, and textures all mingle perfectly together, where what's

fashionable is what makes you feel good. So today I want to show you a few

pieces from my fall 1996 collection.

So do you make anything oversized three?

Yes, we do.

Oh, great.

Todd, maybe you could give Roseanne some help.

I think to cantilever the top section, a really strong foundation garment is in

order. And the midsection, just keep it dark and go with long cuts to sort of de

-emphasize this area and bring your attention elsewhere.

And then to avoid that cloven hoof problem, I think a closed -toe shoe

in order.

So don't wear anything reflective. Keep it simple. Nothing shiny.

No furs. It'll add too much bulk.

No belts.

Go with what you want to do, what you feel good about.

And you have such pretty skin, such a pretty face.

Oh, thank you. Oh, sure.

Now, girls, is there anything special that

you'd like in your makeup today?

No, you're the artist. Yeah, just go with your instinct.

Good. Because from my experience, I have found out that natural is best.

You know, let your face tell its own story.

Would that be okay?

Great. All right.

Wow.

unpleasantly fat so let's begin

by breathing in the air through our eyeball and bringing it down

into our diaphragm