Original subtitles

I helped pick the numbers.

Again.

I helped pick the numbers.

Again.

I helped pick the numbers.

The more I watch, the more beautiful she becomes.

I must meet her.

Her name is Jackie Harris.

She's divorced, part owner of a diner, lives in a small town called Landford.

In high school, she was spirit captain.

Whatever that is.

Lovely.

We're going to Lanford.

Where is Lanford?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Grandma.

Say hi to Dad.

Yeah, I love you, too.

I miss you, too.

Yeah, I really love you, too.

This is DJ.

DJ Connor.

It's the same. It's not different.

You know, I thought that I had been to the dark side of dating Roseanne, but I

was wrong.

He whined to me all night long about how his ex -wife was trying to soak every

last dime from him, and then he waited for me to pick up the check.

So that makes me Jackie the Loser Magnet.

Now at least you're going after guys that are ambitious enough to date you

your money.

You don't even know, Roseanne. You've never had to date.

Oh, please. Dating's just like hunting. You get lucky, you go home early.

I don't need a man. I am financially secure.

I am emotionally stable.

I have my Andy. I have my family.

What about sex?

I am...

So through with that.

I'm giving up on the whole mess. I'm getting rid of my short skirts and my

and my makeup and my tweezers, and I'm free. I'm a free woman.

I feel great.

I'm going to go upstairs and get my son, and we're going to go home and start

our new life.

You want a day over?

Yeah. Yeah.

some things don't change no matter how much money you've got.

Like, I don't consider doing the catch -ups work.

You see?

It's more like a challenge.

No, it's work, Jackie, and I'm no longer up to that challenge.

Um,

can

you help me?

I mean, can I... Can you help me?

Is there something that I could get for you?

Lunch.

Yes, lunch.

We have no real specials, but without getting too personal, could I recommend

the double loose meat combo? It comes with a drink, so that's your best buy.

I don't know what that is, but I'll try it if you say so, Jackie.

How did you know my name?

I saw you on television and I had to meet you.

Oh, really?

I'm Carlos Charmaine.

I'm from Moldavia.

Oh, Moldavia. Oh, I've heard of Moldavia.

I watched that Carmen Sandiego show.

It's one of my favorite shows as well. Oh, really?

Well, what do you do there in Moldavia, Carlos?

Well, actually, I'm a prince.

A prince.

The prince of Moldavia. The prince of Moldavia.

Okay.

I have a duke and duchess waiting on their fries, and so I will be right

Okay?

Loser!

Loser! Loser!

See? Ripped -eye, looking really good, and then he goes and tells me he's a

prince. Can you believe that? Well, give him a chance, Jackie. I mean, if he was

a big loser, he would have told you he was the king.

Well, Sam, where'd you put the... Home?

My God.

Prince Carlos.

The only straight man in the world that can get away with wearing purple.

Wait a minute.

You're telling me that guy's for real? Hello?

No, that's not possible.

Look, trust me to point out royalty, and I will trust you to point out rodeo

stars.

He can't be a prince. He has no scepter, no entourage.

Except for that double -wide limousine out there with the little flags on the

antennas. Oh, my God!

My God, he's a prince!

And he came here to see me!

Oh, now, what if you're supposed to be a virgin?

There's no easy way to tell someone you're a prince.

Cough, cough, cough.

This is my sister, Roseanne Conner, of the Lanford Conners. My pleasure. And

I say that television does neither of you justice.

Oh, that's so sweet, even if you are just blowing smoke.

That's Leon Karp.

Mr. Conner.

Hi.

My husband. Elizabeth is not going to believe this.

Jackie, at the risk of seeming forward, I would like to ask for the pleasure of

your company at dinner.

Oh, no, that's not forward at all. That is, that's right.

Oh, what's she said?

I thought perhaps we would go to one of my favorite eating places.

Oh, my God, you have a favorite eating place in Lanford? We don't.

No, I was thinking of Manhattan.

Oh, Manhattan!

We'll take my plane if that's all right with you. Oh, well, I don't know, Carlo.

Well, what she means is that she doesn't know you, so in the tradition of

royalty and the dating game, I should chaperone.

Well, of course, you're welcome to join us. I am fit.

And bring the rest of your family as well.

Whatever makes Jackie happy.

Oh, I think that makes her happy. Oh, I'm happy, too.

And I'll get Darlene and David to watch Little Andy and Jerry, and that'll make

me happy.

Well, you guys have fun. I'll be...

Home, sitting in the tub, listening to Mahler and brooding.

Hey, can our cousin Leon come too?

Of course, the more the merrier.

I'll make the arrangements.

Until tomorrow.

The commode is exquisite. It has one of those delightful old world spritzing

devices.

The only thing we're missing is people riding in coats to feel superior to.

You know, this pillow is goose down filled. I just want to bite it.

So, what do you guys want to do first when we get to New York?

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but me and Leon are going down to

village to get something pierced.

Yeah, and then we'll all head over to Saturday Night Live and see if they've

figured out when to end their skits yet.

I want to go to the Cots Club, sing a hot jazz tune with the boys in the band,

be part of the Harlem Renaissance.

We'll drop you off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Carlos. Oh,

I... Oh.

I will definitely get this dry cleaned.

Oh, that is gorgeous. Thank you so much.

Well, New York gets rather chilly this time of year. And it matches perfectly

what I have on.

I bought several of them. I picked that one out when I saw what you were

wearing.

They're all for you.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Carlos, I know that you only saw me on television for eight seconds, and I have

been told that I do make a very strong first impression, especially in a dress.

But what exactly was it?

You seemed so real.

Your look, your smile, the way your hair touches your eyelash, and your voice.

When I heard your voice, I had to find you.

I helped pick the numbers.

You do a good need.

Now, skid it on over there, Prince.

Wow, this is incredible.

So, give me the dirt on your family. What is it?

Adultery, alcoholism, bleeders?

Oh, dear.

Isn't she fun?

Well, actually, if you wouldn't find it too boring, I have some home movies.

Oh, great.

Here's some of the royal family.

That's the queen mother.

Oh, sweet.

Well, now, is she the queen or the mother of the queen?

We've been trying to figure that out for centuries.

We just sort of let them both sit there.

Here's the coronation of my father, King Carlos IX.

He died a few years ago. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Was he beheaded?

Well,

now, if the king died, why aren't you the king?

In my country, the queen rules after the king's death.

Viva Moldavia!

Here's my aunt, Princess Marguerite.

She has a great personality, makes all of her own clothes, and just loves

horses.

Well, she's not exactly postage stamp material, now is she?

Look at the parade.

So, is this some big national holiday?

No, that's when I got an A on my report card.

Oh, here's the wedding of my brother to Princess Bergeson. We call her Bergie.

It was a beautiful affair.

We had Sir George Schulte conducting the National Orchestra.

Dan and I had the Belinda Zielinski Five.

We are approaching the airport.

Everyone please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.

Look, Jackie, New York City is lit up just for you.

You know what?

I'm so happy I almost believe that.

I say we buzz the stacks! to a liberty.

Wow, this is so beautiful. I can't believe it.

How much did this cost?

Don't answer her.

I don't mind.

Seven Norum.

I read that if you drop a marshmallow off the top, you could kill someone.

Ma 'am, what a brutal way to go.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

I'm with the prince. I'd like a gin and tonic.

We're playing our song.

Oh, we have a song.

Shall we dance?

Thank you.

Thank heaven I've been dying to tell you what I heard in the powder room.

Well, I hope it wasn't, hey, lady, you're in the men's room.

No, I heard that a certain prince has a questionable reputation.

He's been linked with everyone from Princess Stephanie to Marky Post.

So what? Jackie's been linked with everyone from the meter man to that

photographer just passing through town. What's the difference?

Suzanne? I know I'm about to violate the entire foundation of our six -year

relationship, but dance with me.

Oh, Leon, I hoped you'd never ask.

Come on, little fan. If you have a good time, you can blame it on the champagne.

Fine, I'll do it. Just keep moving your feet and don't look at me.

Prince is just a regular guy.

Kind of needy. He leans on me a lot.

Okay.

How about dancing with your poor, lonesome old grandma?

Nice timing, Grandma.

Now, listen, if an interested gentleman should cut in, you just cha -cha -cha

away, all right?

I know one fun thing about being a prince.

If I start to dance faster, the band will keep up with me.

Oh, really?

What?

Oh, well, then I don't know what it is. I can't explain the feeling, but I think

I'm in love.

Kill me.

that fight between the cabbie and the screaming transvestite.

Man, Central Park is awesome.

You know, now that we have the money, we should build a house here.

Oh, yeah. What the New York City skyline really needs is an aluminum -sided

track tone with a satellite dish.

Don't wait back. This town is full of grifters and confidence men.

just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Your carriage, my lady.

Thank you, my sir.

Shotgun! Wait, I got shotgun! I want to sit in the middle like Audrey Hepburn in

Breakfast at Tiffany's. No, oddly enough, this smells better than a

DJ, get in the back. I want to sit in the front so I can do tricks with a

Roseanne, may I have a word with you?

Yes, of course, Carlos. But, I mean...

It was only an ash tree and there was a million of them laying around.

Roseanne, I think you know the great affection I have for you and your entire

family. Oh, well, we think you are one hell of a prince.

It's just that I wanted to ride alone with Jackie.

She really likes you.

And I really like her.

Well, how... How are we supposed to know for sure that this isn't just another

one of your royal flings?

Roseanne, if all I wanted was to have a fling with your sister, do you think I

would have invited your entire family?

Well,

you do have a point there, Carlos.

And I'll tell you what, I don't care... if you're a prince or whatever you are,

as long as you are decent to my sister, because she's the only one I've got and

she's been through enough.

You have my word.

My royal word.

Everybody out of the cab! This one's for Jackie and Carlo!

Shall we?

Let's shall.

These kind of perfect days don't usually happen to me. Or any kind of perfect

day, as a matter of fact.

Jackie, words can't express the effect you've had on me.

I feel as though I've known you my entire life.

God,

I love this town!