Original subtitles

Another near beard, Dan?

Thank you, barkeep.

Put a big head on it so I can pretend to enjoy it.

So did you buy anything with all that cash you want? Not really.

You know, the truth is I'm still trying to figure the whole thing out.

I mean, you know, a month ago I'm laying in a hospital bed not knowing whether

I'm going to live or die.

And now here I am in good health, a big -time lottery winner.

What do you think it is?

God or fate or chance?

What was the first one again?

Club soda, in a glass, no lipstick.

Hi, Dan.

Leon. Hey, Leon.

You're a guy that thinks sometimes.

You think there's a reason that we're all here?

Well, I'm here because I ran out of gas.

When the tow truck gets here, I'll have my reason to leave.

No, seriously, I'm talking big picture stuff here.

I forget.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just not used to sharing my feelings in a place where

the restrooms are labeled pointers and setters.

Hmm, my opinion.

Yes, I think there's a reason we're all here. Really? Yeah, that's right.

Cynical old Leon still thinks that people here all serve a purpose on this

spinning ball of dirt.

Hey, I have to believe that. Otherwise, it's just too hard to get up in the

morning and face the horrors of the hetero world.

Well, I guess that makes some kind of weird sense.

The hard part is figuring out what we're put here to do.

Oh, well, I think you've done your part, Dan.

You married Roseanne.

And saved some other poor soul.

Hell on earth.

Well, thanks, I guess.

Come to the poker game later? Oh, you betcha. Well, there's my auto club guy.

In a tank top.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each life some rain falls, but you also get some sun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Yeah.

I've got it narrowed down to the Golden Chamber or the Elysian Fields Health

Spa. So you make the final decision.

No, I'm not going to pick, because then you'll be mad that I didn't pick the one

that I didn't pick. You pick. No, I'm not going to pick.

I'm not a picker.

You know this wishy -washy thing that you've got going? It's not working for

anymore.

You know what? You're right.

You are absolutely right. That's done.

We're going to that one.

End of story.

See, now, I think that this decisive thing really works well on you, and you

should have done it a long time ago.

Roseanne, you wouldn't let me.

Well, all that is about to change, Jackie, because I no longer have the

the energy to be living everybody else's life for them. There is a me underneath

me, and she has been smothered by grease, grit, and crap for way too long.

Now, this whole spa experience is going to unlock my divine female essence.

But unlocking essences, they charge extra for that.

I am going to get my pore shrunk down to nothing, Jackie.

I'm going to get pounded and beaten to a pulp by some hideous old Korean

masseuse.

I'm going to get my chakras opened, my kundalini awakened. I'm going to do japa

on my mala.

Then I'm going to find my channels, meridians, and my G -spots. And after

look here, I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations because you can lose

about 60 pounds per time.

Well, I am going to get whacked and wrapped and buffed and filed.

And soaked and steamed and purged and peeled till there is not one original

left in my body. And then I am going to go out and find a guy with pecs to knock

on.

And I'm going to start knocking.

We're definitely not sharing a room.

place where you have to get naked and covered in mud with about 400 other

people?

Yeah, that sounds okay to me.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure.

Have you guys ever wondered why we all exist?

Well, I think because we're here to evolve into the people that we were

to turn into.

Yeah, that's what the guy at the gas station said.

I'm just driving myself crazy. I guess I'll go tinker in the garage.

Going out to tinker again, huh? What's that mean?

Another macaroni ashtray.

Hey, dude, it's me.

Oh, Spielberg's your man, huh?

Yeah. I'm gonna work for him someday, learn everything I can from him, then

become this huge movie director and crush him.

You are your mother's son.

Where'd you get these?

Uh, friends.

And I just sort of found the rest.

You found them?

Yeah, you know how you're walking through the city and you're not really

for anything and...

Often you look down and there's a sign.

Yeah, I used to find mine on the tops of poles at the end of the street.

What, you did this stuff too?

Oh, yeah, it was what you call your regular wild youth.

I remember one time me and some buddies of mine broke into a junkyard.

We got chased by this big Doberman. Oh, man, did you get bit?

No, I didn't.

See, the trick is...

You don't have to be faster than the dog. You just got to be faster than one

your friends.

So did you get in big trouble with your parents?

No, I could always get away with stuff.

I think my dad wasn't around much and my mom... Yeah, I know about Grandma.

Well, I guess I should go.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Just moving a little slow.

Well, you look kind of out of it.

No, I'm just thinking.

Thinking and out of it look a lot alike.

You know, I'm not a kid anymore, Dad. We can talk about stuff.

That's right. You're not a kid anymore, are you?

You're dating. Next year, you're going to be driving?

Well, you're almost a man.

I'm not shaving yet.

Eh, it's a hassle anyway.

You know, you're getting to the age, Deej, where a lot of kids stop getting

along with their parents. I hope that doesn't happen to us.

Yeah, I hope you don't get all weird on me like some kids' parents.

How am I doing so far?

I'd say you have like a 3 .7 average.

Well, that's way better than I did in high school.

I enjoyed this.

Sure, stop by any time.

Yeah.

Your mom won't let me put up cool stuff in my room.

All right, I see that. All right.

Read them and weep, gentlemen.

Oh, man,

I was this close.

You'd have picked up three more queens. You might have won that hand.

So, David, Darlene let you out to play tonight, huh?

Oh, actually, she sort of insisted on it.

Since she's been pregnant, she says I've been kind of hovering over her.

You know, David, it's kind of a poker tradition that the guys complain about

their wives.

Oh, I'd rather not.

Oh, come on.

All right, fine.

Sometimes, sometimes Darlene won't

let me do all the things I want to do for her. And it just, it makes me so

Damn mad.

This, boys, is a pathetic result of the woman's liberation movement.

Well, Dan, it's good to see you pulled out of that funk. You know, after we

talked at the Lobo, I was actually a little worried about you.

I was just a little off this morning. I got up on Rosie's side of the bed.

You were in a funk, Mr. Conner? Oh, yeah. He was asking me for the reason

all here.

Where?

You were getting philosophical?

That doesn't sound like you, Dan. Yeah, well... Hey, you know what I do when I'm

in a funk?

I lay on top of the trailer.

and count the stars.

It's like a hundred of them.

David, you always look like you're in a funk.

No, I don't.

Really?

Yeah, we here to play cards or what?

All right, five -card draw, trips to win, suicide, kidding for once.

Sounds good. All right.

Hey, after the game tonight, any of you guys want to go shoot some pool?

Nah, Wyatt's going to wait up for me.

I don't know what's gotten into her since she's hit 40, but I ain't

I know what you mean, when Scott turned the big 4 -0.

I tell you, it was like somebody set off a bomb at the testosterone factory.

I lost count.

What cards you got? I think we all have...

About 11.

Somebody else's deal, I gotta go see about something.

You want all the money, you just gotta walk away, Dad.

I'll let Mark play my game.

Oh, take your time.

Oh, deal me out, guys.

David, what are you doing?

Stop playing.

I just come out to get some fresh air.

Yeah.

Hey, Dan, you know, I hadn't thanked you enough, you know, for the money and

all. Oh, man, that's okay. I mean, you know, living room needed painting

You do a bad job, I know where you live.

What's on your mind, Dan?

I don't know.

Lately I've been having all these questions about life and...

Stuff I've done, and I'm being eager to think I'm nuts.

Not any more than I did before.

I think you need to lighten up, Dan.

I mean, you're a good guy.

And all the time, not since you came into all this money.

So you got nothing to worry about.

Yeah, look, I'm just going to hang out here for a while, kid.

Yeah, okay.

Come to mama, girl.

Damn it, I had an ace that time.

Where's Dan?

Hey, Rosa.

Dan's on the front porch.

Okay, gentlemen, what's your pleasure? Seven thud, hold them, five card draw?

How about five card thud, but each player gets as many cards as he wants?

All righty, I'll take 52.

The aliens aren't going to take you if you act too eager.

I just had to take a break to clear my head.

Really?

I would have thought that sitting there with them for an hour would have sucked

everything right out of it.

I'm going to take a walk for a while, kid.

Why do we have to have wheatgrass now?

Because it's a thing to do, and we are now the people who do the things to do,

whether we want to do them or not.

But why can't we just wait till we go to the spa?

No. I'm not going to chant some allergic reaction and blow up to four times my

normal size in front of those people.

Just drink it. All right. But you don't get any lime or salt or anything?

Listen, in Vanity Fair, they said that this is the stuff that Demi Moore drank

to get her figure back after she had all them kids. Really?

He's just like grass.

Are my teeth green?

No, they're still yellow.

for the spa.

Everything I have stinks like Lanford.

Well, that's why we went and bought all these $10 magazines, Jackie, to get you

looking hip.

I am tired of being the happening one in this relationship.

Oh my God, look. Look at this here.

Feng Shui.

What? Feng Shui.

The ancient Chinese art of arranging your furniture and other objects so that

you can better live in harmony in your environment.

can't be done.

Well, it says here that Barbara Streisand would not even set foot in her

until it had been totally feng shui'd.

That sounds like Barbara.

God, I love her.

I heard she had her chin done and just left the nose.

That's class.

Next year's fashion news, Roseanne.

Heroin chic is out.

Waitress meets schoolmarm is in.

Well, I guess next year's your year, Jackie.

You know that Dalai Lama dude? He goes out on tour more than the Rolling

Now, does he live with Richard Gere?

No, he's a holy man. He lives in the mountains somewhere, but I think they

have the same publicist.

I'm going to go out and run a few errands. I'll be back in a bit.

Dan, it's Monday night football.

You haven't left this house on a Monday night in damn near 18 years.

Well, I'll be in the paper tomorrow.

She's getting worse.

I know that, Jackie. I'm just trying to enjoy what's left of my denial.

ass rush.

Set him up again.

What are you doing, Dan?

We hired Chuck to paint this room.

I just thought I'd prop it for him. I know where all the holes are and

everything.

Yeah, so, all right.

What's really going on, Dan?

I'm spackling.

Well, it's 11 o 'clock at night and... and you've just spackled over an outlet.

So do you want to tell me what's going on?

What?

I've been really patient with you for the past three days, but I want to know

what's wrong.

You know, Rosie, I'm a good father.

I am a decent husband, but I am a lousy son.

Lousy son?

Where's that all coming from?

Well, you know, my life's getting better.

But my mom's in a psychiatric hospital, and nothing changes for her.

Last time I went to see her, she didn't even know who I was, so I stayed for all

of 30 minutes.

Well, you can't go being hard on yourself, Dan. You've done every single

that you could do. Yeah, well, she deserves better.

She was a great mom.

I mean, when I was a kid, I didn't think she was weird at all.

She was funny and wild, you know, in a good way.

No, she was totally awesome.

Remember that one time where we were just going to go out for ice cream and

she just happened to show up with ice cream and it was the exact same flavors

that we were going to go out and get? It was like she was psychic.

I remember.

Well, maybe she's not in such bad shape after all, you know?

Because, I mean, when you're poor and you act different, everybody

assumes that you're crazy.

But when you're rich and you act different, I mean, they just call you

eccentric.

I would love to take her to a place and get a real good diagnosis, you know,

something really thorough, find out what's really wrong with her.

So I've been looking around, and I heard about this place in California, in

Santa Monica, that she could go to.

So now that I've got the dough, I'm going to take her there.

I'm not going to go on the spa trip with you.

Well, yeah, definitely. You've got way more important things to do. I think

that's a great idea. I'm glad you're doing that.

God,

look at this mess. Why the hell did I start this?

Because it needed to be done sooner or later, Dan.

It's just another one of those things we put off for way, way too long.

Yeah, we should have kept up with it. It's a shame that we let it get this

It wasn't our fault, Dan.

We didn't have the time and we didn't have the money.

But we do now.

Yeah, what do you say before I put the lids on the cans? You want to paint crap

on the wall?

Yeah, give me that roller.

The woman who raised me.

Hello, America.

Hello.

And my sister, Jackie. I helped pick the numbers.

I helped pick the numbers.