Original subtitles

I am sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

So you're just going to do it, aren't you? You're just going to go right ahead

and harden an artery right here in my kitchen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's back up here. You're calling me fat?

Yeah, I'm calling you fat.

Well, if that ain't the big fat pot calling the Colonel Black.

You better not be calling me fat. Well, that's what I'm doing.

Fat, fat, fat.

What doesn't kill us is making us stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum is the one thing that I've heard

while waiting for my turn. It's that in each loss of a rainfall, what you

also get some fun and will make us better than okay.

You poor

thing.

Down in one house, you in another.

You must be feeling so lost.

There, there, there.

All right.

No, it isn't your knockoff. Georgio's making me gag.

I'll pay you no mind, dear. You're just dehydrated.

I didn't invite her. I left the window open. She just flew in.

What are you going to do?

Roseanne, it's been three days. Dan's called here every 20 minutes.

So weird. It's as if I've lost my will to manipulate him.

Well, next time he calls, you pick up and let him do all the talking. Just

listen. My marriage is not based on me listening.

You know, now that Jackie is alone and you and Dan are estranged, the three of

us should live together like the ladies in Sense and Sensibility.

Me and my finster daughters.

You know, Mom, Lizzie Borden was a spinster.

Hey! Hey!

It's not a coaster. It's a lottery ticket.

Oh, really?

Well, it's nice you can still dream since reality's been so unkind.

Well, it's more, uh, Roseanne ticket.

It's worth about a hundred million bucks.

That's a lot of extra topping.

Well, if you ask me, the lottery is just a scam.

Well, yeah, maybe for all those suckers out there, but hey, I devised the system

while Dan was in the hospital.

Okay, I picked the number 36 for the number of times I had to salt my food,

8 for the number of parking tickets I got for parking in the ambulance zone,

then 4 for the number of planets in our solar system. And then the old, tired

numbers that Jackie had to pick.

For then, one, two, three is a classic run.

Hey, everybody.

The children.

I brought you a change of clothes.

I also brought you some lighter fluid and matches so you can burn the ones

you're wearing.

Connor, Mr.

Connor really wishes he could take back everything he said.

Yeah, well, I wish I could take back shoes after I've worn them.

Look, Mom, whatever you're going through here, you can easily go through at

home. All she has to do is apologize to Dan.

Apologize to Dan?

Dan should apologize to her.

Well, let's not get into blame here. This whole thing was just one big

misunderstanding. David, we don't need the touchy -feely right now.

Okay, I really appreciate... you're all coming over here to comfort me, but now

that it hasn't worked, could you leave?

Well, in that case, happy meals for everyone!

My treat!

I love happy meals.

Well, come on, then. I'll strap you in your car seat, and we can count little

red trucks on the way over.

I'll pick up the kids on the way home. You want me to bring you back anything?

Well, yeah, bring me back one of everything so I can pick.

Oh, cool.

Hi, honey. How was your day today?

But before you tell me, where's my kiss?

Donald Hollinger, you are five minutes late.

You only get one kiss.

You may change your mind after you see this.

Oh, champagne, and it's French.

Oh, la, la.

Yes, sirree, and...

This is a special night. I have a big surprise for you. Anne, will you marry

Oh, but Donald, I... Of course you will. Now let's open that champagne.

Donald, there's so much to think about, so much to talk about. I'm just getting

my career going.

But don't you want your next role to be Mrs. Donald Hollinger?

We'll move to a small town, have a few kids.

Every Halloween we'll throw a big weird party.

But I can't marry you. I'm...

Television's first feminist?

Well, television's first pretty feminist, that is. And I can't cop out

you just because the network can't handle a single career woman.

I don't understand. We've talked about this.

Remember that time at the lake?

Come in.

Dan sent us over with a message.

Well, I'm screening my messages, so you'll have to stand there till you hear

beep.

What are you doing?

I'm making a film of our dysfunctional family life.

You look terrible, Mom. That's great.

I bought DJ six pack of tapes at Target, so he made me a producer.

Spell producer, Mark.

Mark, I'm losing light. Give her the message from Dad.

Mr. Connor knows that you're not ready to go home yet, so he'd like to meet you

on neutered territory.

Neutral territory.

All right.

Anyway, Dan, he's really hurt, and he wants you back.

Oh, well, let me translate that for you, Mark. That means he can't find the

towels, and he's eating directly out of the cans.

I guess that's a wrap.

D .J., how's your dad holding up, anyway?

Terrible. Worse than me?

I'm not sure.

Did he usually cry when he vacuumed?

Oh, Master.

What is the point of dusting your house if you are never here?

I have the most boring life in all of Cocoa Beach.

Jeannie!

Jeannie, from your information, Major Healy and I were orbiting the moon.

Why do you always have to go, Master? Can they not ever send the monkey?

Jeannie, I command you to send me back.

Not without me.

NASA certainly doesn't need your help, and neither do I.

Oh, you do not need my help, Master?

Who do you think it is that takes the tang stains out of your spacesuit?

I'm going back to the moon.

And stop always trying to control me. I do not try to control you, Master.

What do you call this?

Oh, all right. Maybe I am a little controlling, but it is only because I

you. Hey, I've got an idea. As soon as I get back from the moon, we'll go

someplace really romantic.

I have a better idea, Master.

Gene Healy!

So, Master, you would not really rather be with Major Healy now, would you?

What? I can't hear you.

You said you would not really rather be with Major Healy now, would you, Master?

Well, I guess the moon can wait.

Hi, it's Jackie. If this is Dan, please don't leave a real long message this

time. I have a life, too.

Roseanne, I don't know what you're doing or what's going on or why you can't

talk to me.

I'm all out of answers, so I'm just going to stop calling.

Bye.

Great. Here comes the telegram.

God, this is all so strange.

Your mom's not here, your dad's not talking.

Everything is either gone or busted.

Yeah, a treasure trove of American folk art destroyed in one afternoon.

Damn it, I can't take this anymore. Somebody has to talk to your dad.

I'm going in.

Wow, check out the new forceful attitude.

Don't bring it home with you.

Hey, Mr. Conner. Hey, David.

Got the, uh, disposal fix there, huh? That must give you a great sense of

satisfaction.

Well, it doesn't quite put the bounce in your step that cleaning the gutters

does, but it ain't bad.

Listen, Mr. Conner, this thing with you and Mrs. Conner, um...

I know it must be awful.

I mean, I find in my marriage that the highs are great.

Soaring highs.

And the lows... suck.

I mean, my wife and I have been through hell's fire, and I am here to tell

you... David, you've been married eight days.

Yeah.

but to Darlene.

Point and match.

So, if there's anything we can do for you, anything, we're here for

you.

We're here for you, Dad.

David, what did I tell you about climbing on dad?

Sorry.

You want a diet soda?

Sure.

So, did you hear from mom yet? Listen, darling, I don't want you kids worrying

about this. What with the baby coming and all.

Your mom and I will work this out.

Oh, I know you will.

I mean, what are your options here? No point in getting divorced because

nothing of value to divide.

God knows there's no one else out there for either one of you.

Basically, you guys are stuck with each other.

I'll get that.

Hello?

Yeah, hold on just a second.

David, it's for you.

Oh, Mr.

Connor, I'm sorry. That should have been for you.

We'll get you through this, son.

Now take the phony.

Sucks.

Sucks.

Sucks.

Mash!

Mash.

Mash.

with the station manager.

Mr. Grant, I've known you for a long time and I... Need a drink. Fine,

I'll join you.

Well, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Grant. Now, I know

you're not going to want to hear this. Mary, I assure you I'm always willing to

listen to anything you have to say.

Mine is an open -door policy.

So let me know any time you want to talk.

Well... Thank you, Mr. Grant.

Thanks for stopping by.

Oh, Mr.

Grant.

Sometimes you just make me so...

Mr. Grant. I mean, potato chips, booze,

donut, Mr.

Grant, six -pack of beer, pickled pig's feet,

Mr. Grant.

Mary, that's a well -balanced meal.

If you don't start eating healthy...

You haven't moved since I last saw you. I have so.

I've been in Manhattan, Minneapolis, and Cocoa Beach.

Cocoa Beach.

Roseanne, I was saving that Jägermeister for Thanksgiving.

I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to go talk to Dan.

Good. That's great.

I don't know if it's great, Jackie. I've spent the last three days trying not to

think about him, but, you know, he just keeps popping into my head. Let's see.

You want him in your head.

TV, too. You should have that checked.

Just stop talking about it and go before you change your mind. He's probably too

mad to even talk to me. Stop calling.

He's your husband, Roseanne. He loves you. Go.

Yeah, but maybe I ought to wash my hair or something before I go.

Go.

Oh, I know.

Just, you know.

All right, go!

Hey.

Hey.

You're here.

Yeah. Well, you hadn't called in seven minutes, so I was starting to get

worried.

Well, I was busy making dinner.

Well, I figured you'd be running short on stuff, so I stopped by the store.

I got you some razor and some shaving cream and

some air freshener.

Because they were out of your deodorant, so I figured you could just stick this

on your back.

Miss you.

Oh, I miss you too, Dan.

Well, then let's fix this. I know we can do it. We've always fixed things

before.

I don't know that.

It seems like we just left them.

broken and ignored them.

Something weird happened tonight, though, Dan. I went on this kind of

odyssey I did by Nick at Night.

Nick at Night.

Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but I spent the last three days trying not to

think about you, and then just everything I watched on TV turned into

You know?

Donald and Anne, Jeannie and Major Nelson.

They got nothing on us, Dan. I think we're one of the all -time great

I'll take better care of myself, I promise.

Good, because I'm really going to yell at you if you don't. Yeah, well, are you

going to yell at me from here or from Jackie's?

more fun from here I'm

dying to kiss you you think your heart can take it well if not

it'll be a hell of a way to go

than the planets in the solar system.

Eight. It's a parking ticket.

And 36.

36 times your salt of food in the...