All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e32 The Big Scandal

It is so peaceful in the chicken house,
and you are a rooster, the king of the

barnyard.

My,

there's a pretty -looking little hen.

Watch out, here comes the farmer with an
axe.

Thank you, thank you.

That is an example of complete
hypnotism.

All right, Sergeant Ritzick, wake up.

Who deals?

Okay, Sergeant, let's take a roost right
over there. Give him a hand, folks.

Now, my friends, this is the shoe for
the knee.

Thank you very much, Professor. On
behalf of everybody, I would like to...

Sergeant, why don't you let me try and
hypnotize you?

Me? I'm afraid it wouldn't work. I
wouldn't want to embarrass you in front

all these people.

Oh, I see. You mean your mind is too
strong and sharp to be influenced.

Well, I wouldn't put it so bluntly, but
since you said it... Oh, come on!

The sergeant is absolutely right.

Sergeant, let's demonstrate to them how
a man with your strength of mind cannot

be hypnotized. Do you mind, Sergeant?

Sergeant Bilko.

Master Sergeant Bilko.

Master Sergeant. How interesting.

I always wondered how Master Sergeant
spent the day. What did you do today?

Oh, it was a typical day. I was up at
six o 'clock, put my men through their

drill, and the rest of the day worked
like a dog on the Colonel's staff car.

Good heavens. After a day like that, you
must be tired.

Tired.

I am a little tired, yes.

Very tired.

Very, very tired.

Sergeant Bilko, open your eyes.

Yes, Master.

Sergeant Bilko, tell us, what time did
you get up today?

Noon.

And then where did you go?

To the motor pool.

Are you sure you went to the motor pool?

I had to. We had a crap game scheduled.

You were in the motor pool all afternoon
shooting crap? Please, Colonel, he's

hypnotized. Never mind.

Bilko, you mean you didn't even work on
my staff car?

It's a total wreck.

A wreck?

I drove it in the stock car races in
town last Saturday.

Bilko! Yes, sir, he's in a hypnotic
state.

Just a few more questions. We may find
out what happened at Pearl Harbor.

I'm sorry.

Wake up, Sergeant Bilko.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

After the motor pull, I put my men
through that drill. Quiet!

So you woke up at noon, ran a crap game,
and wrecked my car in a stock car race.

Me, sir? Yes, you.

So consider yourself confined to
quarters until my car is fixed at your

At my expense?

Sir, if you're going to take the word of
some dirty little spy, all right, who's

the wise guy? Stand up, you dirty stink.
I'll get my hands on you. Well, you'll

get a good grip on yourself.

Yes, you told us yourself while
hypnotized.

Me hypnotized?

So I'm afraid that's impossible.

Tell the Colonel, Professor, that I...
Yes?

That I'm one of the sharpest guys in...
In what?

In the barnyard.

The eye is the window of the brain.

Let the power of suggestion pierce
through the window into the brain of the

subject until domination is complete.

Look into my eyes.

Deep. Do not be afraid.

I am your friend.

Deep.

You're getting drowsy.

Drowsy.

Sleepy. You want to sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Hey, Sarge.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge, wake up. Sarge. What
is it? What? Nothing. You fell asleep.

I did?

It works. It works, I tell you. It
works.

What works? I can do it with my eyes. I
can bend people to my will. I tell you,

I got it. I got it. Well, what are you
going to do with it?

If it doesn't cost me a bundle of money
when I have to fix the colonel's car,

hypnotism will get me that money back.

Sarge, Sarge, are you sure? You haven't
told him in my eyes you want to be

destroyed. You're not aware of this?
Now, take the book. Come on.

If you make the shock, we win. I know
it, Rupert. I know it.

Don't be nervous.

Francis, you missed.

Oh.

What is this, sleeping on tables? You
know better than that. Up, up, sleep in

your barracks. Hey, look who's here. The
great man who could be hypnotized.

All right, knock it off, will you,
fellas?

You bet your bet. Well, you bet that
Professor Horatio.

That phony.

I know nothing about hypnotizing, but
even I can hypnotize you.

It's a bet. Ten dollars, you can't. Wait
a minute. I'll make a little statement.

I'll jump down my throat just because...
Oh, so you're going to weasel. Look,

he's weaseling.

I weasel for no man. Get your money.

Twenty dollars. How much?

Okay, go ahead.

It's a bet.

Get ready, Rupert.

Rupert, now be strong.

Don't worry. The Rock of Gibraltar.

All right, Rupert, get ready. Now look
deep.

Give me the money. Oh, it's not fair.
It's not fair. He's still under the

professor's influence.

You hide him. Give me the money.

Sergeant Bilko, Sergeant Bilko. What is
it? The colonel's wife is coming here

looking for you. Hide the money.
Sergeant Bilko.

Well,

the USO has done it again, gentlemen.
They send us Betty Grable.

This is Harry James with you. He plays
like an angel on that trumpet.

Sergeant Bill Cole, would you please
send some of your men to take my trunk

the station this afternoon?

I do it. She's leaving for Hollywood.

They're bringing back the wampus baby.

Oh, I'd be delighted to pick up your
trunk, Mrs. Hall. Anything for you. Oh,

thank you so much. Give our love to the
kennel. He's doing a grand job. The men

are solidly... Give me that. Oh, no,
it's not fair.

Now, look, Rupert, you... I can say
something else.

All right.

It's a lead pipe, since.

All right, Rupert.

Remember, I am your master. Deep, look.

You belong to me mentally. You'll do
what I say.

Deep,

deep.

Let us know your hidden desires.

There was a beautiful lady in here a
moment ago.

You are in love with her.

That's it.

You are in love with the Colonel's wife.

Hopelessly.

Desperately.

passionately in love with the colonel's
wife.

Say it, Rupert. I am in love. Rupert.

Say it, go on.

With the buddy we just won.

Come on, Ernie, you blew it. It's our
money. Let's get out of here.

Come on, Rupert, let's go to the pier.

I am in love with the colonel's wife.

Okay, sleep.

That's good.

Passionately in love with the current
white man.

Now, Nell, don't lose these tickets. You
leave on the 935 train tonight. You'll

be in Toledo with Barbara and her
grandchildren tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, I hope I'm not too late.

Well, the kids have only got chicken
pox.

Oh, that's Sergeant Bilko. He's coming
to help me with the trunk. Good. I'd

better get dressed.

Come in.

Imagine me mistaking you for Betty
Grable, Miss Monroe.

Would you bring my trunk up from the
basement?

Gladly, basement. Hey, trunk up!

And now I want you to wait, but I want
you to taste some cookies I just baked.

Oh, thank you, but we never eat between
meals that Mess Sergeant Ritzig prepares

for us. You see, it breaks the routine
of our upset stomachs.

Oh, there. Thank you very much. I'll get
you some cookies.

Gee, she's a nice dame. Yeah.

Has he ever stayed with a sowpuss like
the Colonel all these years? I'd better

get that.

Is that you now, my darling?

I just called to tell you I am
desperately, passionately in love with

How long must we keep our love a secret?

I count the hours until I can hold you
in my arms.

What's matter, Sarge?

Nothing much.

Just that the colonel's wife has got
another man.

Oh, no.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure. I know the voice of
a gigolo when I hear one.

Suave, insinuating, like I only see the
sideburns and the greasy hair.

I can't believe it. But you can believe
it. Right here in front of us, a home is

being broken up. Shh, Mr. Colonel. Oh,
the poor kid. Now, where's my... Oh,

you, Bilko.

Yes, sir. Oh, still pouting over having
to pay out that money for wrecking my

car, huh?

Well, let me tell you, when somebody
wrecks something that's mine... Wrecks

something that's his.

Something wrong?

Something wrong.

Sir, I speak for all the men when I say
this. We're all behind you in your hour

of need.

My hour of need?

Bilko, did you hear something from the
Pentagon?

No, sir. How would I know?

I don't know. You always do.

I'm the last to know.

The husband's the last to know.

I'll take them myself.

Are your hands still greasy from his
hair?

What? Birko, stop gibbering. Now, where
is my jacket?

It's in your closet, dear. Oh, thank
you, darling.

I don't know how I get along without
you.

That husband of mine.

Things could disappear right under his
nose and he wouldn't notice.

Under his nose.

I'll get your milk.

Oh, the brazenness of it.

We've got to find who this snake is, see
who that is. Now, look, we'll check

with the telephone exchange.

We'll find where the phantom lover has
been operating from, and if I can get my

hands. That's who I love, those oily,
sneaky guys. I like to... Who is it?

was nobody there, just this rose and a
note.

Note?

My darling Nell, roses are red, violets
are blue.

I'm in love with a girl, and her name is
you.

Phantom lover has struck again. He could
have got too far.

Anybody there?

No. Just Doberman. Doberman! On the
other cat!

What is it, Sarge?

Did you see a guy sneaking around here?

What did he look like? Greasy hair, long
sideburns. No, Sarge. Well, keep your

eyes open. Yes, Master. We've got to
support the force today. We couldn't

gotten too far. Come on, Sarge.

Roy, here's your milk.

Sergeant Bilko. I'll be back in... Oh,
now, I almost forgot.

Major Spengler, our medical officer,
will drop by here before you leave for

train to give you a vaccination against
chicken pox.

Now, you'd better get packed.

Really, John, you sound like you want to
get rid of me.

Oh, come now, Nell.

You know, I'm taking quite a chance
leaving a handsome man like you alone

on the post with all those good -looking
girls.

Oh, now, Nell, really, I'm just a broken
-down old...

I can't believe the colonel's wife has
fallen for another guy.

That colonel's got all the luck. It
couldn't have happened to my wife.

I didn't give my car in a tank of gas.
You shut up. What can we

do? We can trace that phantom lover and
deal with him in our own way. Besides,

it's four o 'clock. We've got to take
the colonel's wife's trunk to the

I almost forgot.

Wait a minute.

Why should she suddenly be leaving, huh?

It all fits.

Oh, no. You mean she's running off with
this guy? What else? We've got to get

over to that house and be ready to nab
him the minute he calls.

Would you recognize him?

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

That cheap, sexy, slimy baritone.

Sarge, can I talk to you?

Who's... Oh, it's Doberman. Look, not
now, Doberman. Come on.

Sarge. What?

I have a decision to make.

Well, you're over 21. Make your own
decision. We're busy.

Yes, sir.

Well, there's my wife's trunk. Get it
down to the station. Oh, sir, talk to

Tell her her place is here with you. You
who love her, sir. Oh, Bilko, I can't

be selfish. There are others that love
her, too.

Are there?

There's enough for all of us.

Oh, sir, please, don't let a few Noel
Coward plays and those modern books on

marriage turn your head, sir.

Oh, really, Bilko? Oh, please, sir, talk
to her. Convince her that where she's

going, there can only be danger.

Nonsense. She's going to be vaccinated.

Of course.

And now lock the trunk and get it down
to the station.

Yes, sir.

He's blind.

He's blind.

Oh, is the trunk still here? This is all
I plead with you. It's not too late.

Please, don't let a pair of greasy
sideburns wreck your entire life.

Sergeant Bilko, I don't know what you're
talking about. Oh, yes. Oh, I'll be

late for my beauty parlor appointment.
But please, you must understand we have

your... Hey, Bilko! Oh, excuse me. I
want to see Sergeant Bilko.

Well, well.

Well, we combed the post, and there's
not a stranger on it.

Must be. Look, if he's leaving with her
tonight, he must be lurking around here

someplace. We've just over... Talk to
him. Oh, yes,

I tell you, the morning drills are
getting very... All right, Mac, out of

Don't think that we... Come on, get it
down to the station.

There must be something we can do to
stop this. Something.

Oh, come on, Ernie.

Let's go. No, no. He's around here
someplace and we'll nab him. I swear to

we will.

All right, wise guy. We know who you
are. No filthy rat's going to break up

home of a friend of mine.

Don't give me that slimy... Yes. Yes,
General Hanson.

No, sir. The colonel isn't here, sir.

The language I use... Well, sir, I
thought it was the finance company.

No, I don't always talk that way, sir.
I'm new here.

Who am I?

Um... I'm Lieutenant Anderson, sir. Just
been transferred. Thank you very much,

General. Well, I give up. Come on, let's
get out. Ernie, we did our best. You

grab it.

Is that you, Nell?

My darling?

My heart?

Pretend you're the Colonel's wife.

Yes, it's me, my love.

I am already packed.

I'm ready to take you away with me.

Just a minute, dear.

He's already packed and ready to take
her away.

Good. Get him to come right over here,
right away.

Come right over, dear.

Tell him your husband's out of town.

My husband is out of town.

Tell him the coast is clear.

The coast is clear.

Yes.

Fly, my lover.

Fly.

Well, what did he say? He's coming. What
did he say? He's coming right over.

Good, and the minute he gets here, we'll
nab him, but good.

So soon. He must have crawled from the
phone booth across the road. Hide. Stop.

Hide.

Hide. Very quiet.

Come in.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm here.

Well, are you a... Major Spanger, our
medical officer.

Oh, how built. Oh, what are you doing
here?

A little surprised to see me here,
aren't you? No, as a matter of fact, I

over to see the colonel's wife.

Indeed, you did.

She's leaving tonight, you know.

Yes, we know.

I just came over to give her a couple of
shots.

Figured she couldn't go through with it
sober, eh?

Sober? What are you talking about,
Bilko? You know what I'm talking about,

Major. Bilko, you're speaking to an
officer.

Oh, let's put our cards on the table,
Major. We know your secret.

Found out?

Yes, we certainly did.

I was a fool. I should have known I
couldn't keep it a secret.

I first met her when I was in medical
school.

She was young and beautiful, and I was
lonely. Any man would have done what I

did, Bilko. She was the flame, and I was
the moth.

I'll never forget that first... Hold it.
Hold it a minute.

Hello. Hello, Nell, my darling.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to get the bus tickets.

Okay, Phantom.

Go ahead.

It was one of those nights that happens
once in a lifetime.

We were at her apartment. I had bought a
bottle of champagne.

There was a song playing on the radio.
I'll never forget it. I dream of Jeannie

with the light brown hair.

Her name was Stella.

Stella. Oh, look, Maggie, there's been
some mistake.

Yes, there was a mistake. Listening to
my parents, they said don't marry a

waitress. I appeal to you. Is it wrong
to be young and foolish and in love with

your mom? Major, Major, please.

Come in, dear.

Is anybody home? Yes, there's somebody
home.

Sir. Look, didn't I tell you I was busy?
Now, not now. Out. Out.

She worked at this little restaurant,
the Busy Bee Diner. It was a small,

clubbing family. It was the first order.
Colonel Hall!

I have my staff car here at 8 o 'clock,
Bill. Gladly, sir.

I want to take my wife to the station.
The station, that's where I used to meet

Stella. Stella? Who's Stella? I'll begin
at the beginning.

Her name was Stella. She was a waitress.

I was the loft, and she was the flame.

As I circled around her, endlessly
moving towards my destruction. That

destruction that comes to a man who
loves not wisely, but too well.

We're up against a shrewd operator.

Sarge. Not now, Doberman. We're busy.

Sarge, I've got a problem. We've got a
bigger problem here. Shut up. That

Listen, Sarge, maybe this guy's really
in love with her. I don't know. When a

guy's really desperately in love and he
runs into opposition, he don't horse

around. He waits till it's dark, gets a
ladder, puts it up against the window,

throws some pebbles up against the
window, and they elope.

Gee, it's getting dark.

All right, what's your problem?

Sarge, I know what to do with my problem
now.

All right, go ahead. Do it. Yes, master.

Stop calling me yes, master. It's true
he's my slave, but it doesn't sound nice

in front of people. The train leaves in
two hours. Hey, maybe we could have him

at the station.

Yeah, maybe we can talk her out of it.
Wait a minute.

Hold it. We're going at this all wrong.

What do you mean?

Here's what I mean. When a woman her age
starts running around with a gigolo, it

can mean only one thing.

The colonel has lost his hold on her.

He has?

Twenty -five years, the same face, the
same conversation. She probably thinks

the old boy has run his last race. She
probably thinks he's lost his sex

It's the old story.

We've got to convince her that he's
still in that pigeon. What do you mean,

Sarge? Here's what I mean.

We've got to show her there's still a
sparkle in his eye. We've got to make

afraid to leave him alone for even a
minute.

You mean while the cat's away, the mouse
will play?

Now I've got to find a mouse for him to
play with.

Who? I happen to know a mouse who owes
me a favor.

Who? Stack, Susie.

That's Susie. That's Susie. That's
Susie. That's Susie. That's Susie.

Susie. That's Susie.

That's

Susie.

Oh, Bill, come on. You're right. I saw a
couple of our brother has a staff car

in the back. Don't you think you'd
better check on it, sir? Yeah, yeah,

good. Your husband seemed quite
reasonable at first. He's a jolly sort

fellow.

Come on, come on.

In here, Susie.

Let me see.

That's the best costume you can get.

I told you something scanty.

It's too late. Come on, out, out.

Come on.

Now, look, Susie, remember, you're just
a maid.

But I don't know nothing about
housework. What do you have to know? The

you wave a cloth and Mrs. Hall sees you,
your career of a maid is through. Come

on. Wait.

What is it?

I don't know.

So silly, me doing housework.

Was it silly when I got your picture in
all the papers, when I made you miss

three -day pass? Was that silly?

Am I to be condemned to be doing...

Is one mad mistake in a man's youth to
condemn him forever?

Is it to make a millstone around his
neck so that he'll always... Oh, Major!

Thank heavens you're still here. What is
it? It's terrible. There have been

mumps all over the post. My bad. Good
heavens. Please. They're dropping like

wildflowers. Wait a moment. Did you say
mumps? Yes, sir.

Stella had the mumps. She blew up like a
balloon. Please, sir. I don't believe I

ever should be... Sir, they're dropping
like flies out there.

Yes, yes. Where will you be later? I'll
be right here.

Remind me to tell you about it. Go run,
sir. Remember the Hippocratic Oath? Save

humanity if you can...

Thank you, Bilko.

Sir, I'd like to explain. The reason for
my strange attitude all day, sir, when

I find your wife was going to leave you
alone, it rather upset me, sir. Oh, so

that was it.

Yes, sir, and we know how it is without
a woman around the house to keep things

tidy, sir, so we took the liberty of
hiring a maid to clean up after you,

maid? Yes, a cleaning woman.

Well, I don't like a stranger in the
house. A stranger? So why, in 15

you'll feel like you've known her all
your life.

You know, there's plenty of time.

No, I'm going to feel lost without you.
Oh, don't you worry, Mrs. Hall. We'll

take good care of him. And with the maid
to tidy up while your house will stay

as clean as a whistle.

A maid?

Yes. Kendall, didn't you tell Mrs. Hall?

Yes. There's a cleaning woman here.
She's waiting in the bedroom right now.

I'll feel strange with someone around.
Well, I think it's a very good idea.

Kendall, while you have a minute, why
don't you make the financial

with the maid in the bedroom now? Oh,
all right.

I know no one can take your place, Mrs.
Hall, but I'm sure Susie will do the

best she can. Oh, thank you, Sergeant
Bilko. Of course, John doesn't want me

go, but anything that'll make him more
comfortable.

Yes, I can... John!

Oh, Nell, are you still here? You missed
your train.

Let's get down to the stage. Oh,
nonsense!

Did you interview the new maid?

The new maid?

Yes. Does she speak English?

Who cares?

Now, if you miss that train... Excuse
me, sir. Don't you think Mrs. Hall

see the new maid? No. Why not?

When you've seen one, you've seen them
all.

Oh, really?

Don't talk about the house.

Oh, I'll go and fetch her. Oh, no. Bill,
go.

Suzanne, Mrs. Hall would like to see
you.

Please be tolerant of her. You see,
she's rather a judge, but it's the best

could do at such short notice.

Oh, I know. We're lucky to have it.

Did you call?

Just take orders, sir.

Quiet! Nell, be reasonable.

Now, your train leaves. I am not going,
and that's final.

I'll never forget that smile on your
face when you came out of the bedroom.

It was a beautiful smile, sort of like
the Mona Lisa. You shut up! Now, Nell,

you think that I... What's that?

Pebbles on the window.

The masquerade is over. I had hoped to
spare you this.

What are you talking about? What am I
talking... Yes.

Sir, in a minute you will see the
scoundrel who was running off with your

Come, my darling.

Drive with me.

Dob... Looks like he's in a trance.
Dobman.

Dobman, snap out of it.

I've got to get a doctor.

Am I to be blamed for something that
happened when I was hot -blooded and

when the whole world sang a what? What?
Come quickly. There's been an accident.

An accident?

Don't go away.

Wilco, if you ever try any hypnotism
again... Sir, I give you my word. I

even know Dublin was there, sir. ...a
man to be condemned for one moment of

madness. I tell you, I felt like a
bubble. Major!

Good morning, Colonel.

How is Private Overman? Oh, he'll be
fine. Fortunately, he fell on the part

him that's most padded. Oh, thank
heavens. Now I can leave for Toledo with

clear mind.

Come, dear. Vilco. Excuse me, sir. Oh,
Vilco. Sir.

No offense meant, but I'm not interested
in anything that happened 20 years ago.

I know, but it's happened again.

Again? Yes, she's a housemaid. Just last
night. Her name is Susie. Oh, yes, yes.

You were the one. She was the flame.
That's right. How can a man be condemned

for one indiscretion? It was the
moonlight. Oh, a ragamone. A hankerhead.

is an animal.

and tonight's show were Haywood Broon
Jr.

as Major Spengler, Joey Ross as Sergeant
Ritzik, Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall,
Julie Umar as Susie, and Lee Papel as

hypnotist.