Original subtitles

Every year we have the same space problem. But, Colonel, we just have no

to put these old records anymore.

Well, get them out of here.

Every morning I have to cut my way into my office.

How about that old gun shed near the rifle range, sir? It must be in pretty

condition. No one's been in it for years.

But let's take a look at it anyway.

He's coming out for his point, and here he comes to hold better lot, win a lot.

The nine is four.

Four is his number, and I'm laying two to one. Much obliged. I'll take it for a

dollar. You got it for two dollars. Dollar, two dollars to a dollar. What's

pleasure? Thanks, thanks. The bargain basement is two blocks that way.

Hold it, hold it. What? The kindle. Kindle. All right, move, move. All

clean, clean, clean.

I want this place spotless. Clean.

That is.

Yes, sir. Now, what are you doing here?

Well, sir, we're just cleaning up a bit. You know how the men of my platoon ask

for one spot of dirt on the post. They can't sleep at night, sir. Well, how can

you sleep in those barracks of yours?

My barracks are there as clean as a whistle. Be free to come over any time

want, sir. I've been there.

And I don't know whether you should sweep it or plow it.

What do you suppose you hear about the colonel? Never mind.

Oh,

so you've been chuckling, chuckling all day long. Quiet! Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, all right, you can start bringing those files in here.

As you were.

Thank you. Back to work. Clean, clean. Work, work, work.

Drop it up.

Who's rolling? Oh, shut up.

He's watching us like a hawk. Sarge, he just dropped in. He just dropped in.

You don't believe that malarkey about bringing the files in here, do you?

Let's face it. The colonel found out about my Saturday afternoon floating

game.

All right. Back to the bags.

Undercover. Come on. Move, move. You got all the equipment? Yeah.

Get everything we got. Don't leave anything around here. Hey, Sarge. How do

find out?

I don't know.

All I know is we've got to find another place for our Saturday afternoon crap

game. A place he wouldn't find in a million years. All right, thank you.

Drill from 0900 to 0930.

Retreat will be at 1632 hours.

Lieutenant, can you think of anything else for the orders of the day? Well,

Mr. Simpson has finished all his repairs.

He can start on the gas testing chamber. Oh, yes. Until further notice.

There will be no gas mash drill in the gas testing chamber under any

That's all.

All right, who's got the dice?

Got money?

Now, remember, if the colonel finds out we're holding the crap game, over in the

guest test chamber, the only place left for us is the colonel's living room.

Now, I want you to march to that guest chamber like we've got a purpose in

March with us. Here are the orders of the day for the administration building.

All right, get your guest test. Let me see whether there's any unknown

circumstance in anybody going to get this. Nothing important. All right.

I want a nice snappy catch. Ah!

Right face!

Turn! Hold it.

All right, you can forget it. We're going no place.

It's off.

Dismissed. Dismissed? Well, what about the game?

The game is off. The colonel knows.

He knows?

Knows. He stopped it before we even got started. Nobody's allowed in the gas

chamber. Well, how come you found out? We're the only ones who know. Maybe

somebody told him.

You say that again as long as you live. But, Sarge. You've been hinting that

somebody in this platoon would... I don't even want to think about it.

didn't. I don't know who told the colonel. Well, one thing I do know. He

find it out from any one of my men.

Men, we may not have much.

But there's one thing we do have, and that's faith.

Trust. Yes.

Even love for each other.

Sarge, I'm so ashamed. Well, you should be, even casting the slightest doubt

against this platoon.

This is not a platoon of men.

It's a platoon of hearts wound around each other with complete faith and

Dismissed.

Beautiful, beautiful. Sarge, that was the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

Shut up!

There's a spy in the outfit.

knows exactly where the crap game is? Don't tell me he does it with a Ouija

board. Sarge, are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Some miserable rat out there is

tipping off the colonel to every one of my moves. Sarge, who could have done it?

Sarge, you gotta find out. Gotta find out? You're asking me the impossible.

You're asking me to find out from guys who are like my own flesh and blood.

I eat when I sleep and I know them like I know the back of my hand.

Any one of them could have done it.

Sarge, maybe Paparelli knows who it is. He's suspected Paparelli. Why didn't I

think of that?

Paparelli. Oh, Sarge, not Dino. Not Dino. He was the only one who had a

to tip off the Colonel to my move today. I picked up the orders of the day.

Paparelli. I knew he was a blabbermouth. And the biggest gossip on the post.

But a spy.

Oh, Sarge, I don't believe it. No, not Paparelli. Not Paparelli.

All right, if I prove it beyond a doubt, will you believe it? How? How? We tell

him something. If it gets back to the Colonel, can there be any doubt? No

What are you going to tell him?

I got it.

Tangerine.

Tangerine? When the colonel was in the war in South Pacific, the last war,

tangerine was the code word for radar.

So? So?

Paparelli slips in the word tangerine. The colonel puts two or two together. He

figures the crap game is in the radar hut. Let me hear it.

Paparelli, on a double, come and see us. That's a big boy. Hey, Paparelli.

The minute the colonel declares the radar hut out of bounds.

We know who the rat is. All right?

You know, fellas, we've got to give up. The colonel is too clever. He's just too

clever. If you call me, Sarge, we've got a dress for drill. I'll be with you in

a minute. Now, remember, the word Saturday is tangerine.

Mr. Pony, someone was here!

I really... You didn't hear anything I just said, did you? No, just tangerine.

Do me a favor.

You never heard... Here.

This is what I called you in for. Get these dirty rocks over to the colonel.

Look, I'm depending. I know your big mouth. Don't say a word. Don't let the

colonel know we know about... Tangerine? I asked you.

Don't say that word. I know your big mouth. Forget the word. Do me that

Sure, sure.

Goodbye.

All right, the trap is sprung.

Tangerine and the colonel?

The colonel and... All right, you men. Let's get some snap into it.

Order!

Hey, Corporal Solomon. What is it, Paparelli? Did you hear about it? Did I

about what? The colonel's running off with a dame. He's going where?

Tangerine, Saturday. Don't tell Bilko. Watch it.

Did you hear about the colonel? He's leaving for the Argentines, Saturday.

No kidding. Don't tell Bilko.

Watch it.

Present arms!

They shipped the colonel to the Philippines. He just got it from

Solomon.

Did you hear about it? What?

The colonel got caught with a Philippine woman. No, colonel.

I'm sending him to the Solomon. What? That's the cold turkey. Watch him. Right

shoulder. Arms.

It's Ed Kutowski. What? We're being shipped a turkey this winter.

He does it with the colonel? Where else are they going to ship a commanding

officer who got knifed in a dance hall trying to run off with a Chinese

It was an Egyptian belly dancer.

Uh -oh. That was the one who knifed him.

Mister's hurt by that much.

Port Baxter calling Bombay, India.

Hello, Sergeant Bernard?

Sergeant Grover. Yeah, we're all coming to Bombay next week.

Yeah, it's been confirmed.

Look, Bernie, I... Beat it. Restricted information.

Ernie, there's this girl, Peach Blossom, I was engaged to during the war.

Tell her that Lieutenant Pickinett is coming back.

Yeah. And I'll meet her under the temple bells a week from Saturday.

Yes,

Poopsie, my furlough starts tomorrow.

Your hero should be home by... Hey, Ernie, come on, get off the phone, will

I gotta call my folks. Please, I'm talking to my wife in Cleveland. Well,

goodbye. We're going to Malaya Saturday.

Malaya? Yeah.

Sweetheart, don't say a word to anybody. We're pulling out for Malaya.

No, dear, not Malaria.

It's not malaria.

Chuck's here. Chuck's here. Come on, girls, move.

Chuck, when we get everything organized, we're shipping out. Are you sure we're

going to Singapore?

Well, we can't stay here now that the post is condemned.

Come on, come on, girls, hurry up.

We've got to get out of here. But, sir, we just found out.

Save only the important papers.

This post will be burnt down by tomorrow morning.

Sir, are you sure they found malaria here?

Am I sure?

My brother... law called me from San Francisco.

San Francisco?

Yes. He read it in a Cleveland paper. Now get me the Pentagon. Why am I always

the last to know?

Well, what do you want?

Sergeant Bilko's duty rosters, sir. Duty rosters at a time like this? Why aren't

you down taking your tropical shots?

Tropical shots?

Yes. We're shipping out to Singapore Saturday.

Singapore? Yes. Now get me the Pentagon.

condemned. We're all being shipped overseas.

Overseas where?

Overseas? Now, who started this silly rumor? It's no rumor, Sarge.

Oh.

Paparelli. It's true, Sarge. The post has been condemned. We're all shipping

to Singapore Saturday. We are shipping out to Singapore Saturday. Now, who told

you this? The colonel himself told me. Oh, the colonel. Had a little chat with

the colonel.

Oh, just a few words.

Hmm. I'll be lucky, fellas, to have a fellow in our platoon on such intimate

terms with the colonel.

Oh, it's just a casual acquaintance.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you go and get my duty rosters back from the colonel? I want to work out.

I'm just a little bit... I'm sure, Sarge.

Don't tell me... What is he hitting us for? Is another of us coming?

Are you sure?

You believe that the force is being condemned and we're being shipped out to

Singapore? What did he say? What?

But Sarge... You of all people. I'm ashamed of all of you. You trained under

for years and you fall for this stuff?

What stuff?

It's a typical army maneuver. This is the way the army operates. When the army

wants something done, they send out rumors to the opposite. Don't you see

The colonel sends his private little carrier pigeon, Paparelli, around to say

the post is being condemned. We're being shipped out to Singapore.

Can I only mean one thing?

What? Not only are we not shipping out, they're enlarging this post, making it a

major military installation.

Yeah? What did he say? That's what they got to do.

Why? Why, if it ever gets out that they're enlarging the post and certain

unscrupulous, slimy real estate operators hear about this, they buy up

real estate for peanuts, sell it back to the army at a big profit.

Sarge, how do you know?

Because that's exactly what we're going to do. We are?

Maybe we're in the real estate business? Just long enough for the army when they

want to enlarge to buy us out.

But Sarge, how can they enlarge Fort Baxter? There's town property on the

the rivers on the east, the highways on the west. Haven't we forgotten the

south? Luscious territory, 25 acres.

Sarge, Bimmelman Swamp?

That's the only place the army can move.

Sarge, we're going to buy a swamp?

Just for a few pennies a acre, and then make a tremendous profit. Get me the

patrol welfare fund money. We're going to do it.

We're going to do it. We're going to do it. Let me out of here. I told you Elvis

was coming here, and he's going to bring his guitar.

There you are, Mr. Tyler.

Who do you want the deed made of? Oh, it's a corporation. Make it up to the

Wisdick Land Developing Corporation.

Wisdick? Yes, that's an abbreviation for we'll all soon be driving Cadillacs.

What do you want with 25 acres of swamp?

Don't let this get around, but I think we've located Chloe.

Yes, General?

Yes, General?

About Singapore.

Nothing to it, huh?

Just a rumor.

Oh, no.

I didn't pay any attention to it at all. Where shall I put your mosquito net?

Quiet.

Just checking.

Yes, General, I... I'll take care of that little matter as soon as I can.

Thank you, General.

Put that back.

But, sir, we're packing.

And we're going nowhere.

Put everything back.

You men have to believe every rumor that floats around the post.

Well, sir, now that that little maneuver has fizzled out, shall we talk

business?

Business about what? Well, shall we say about changing the size of the camp,

sir? How did you find out? Just this minute I found out myself.

Well, sir, let's just say that I felt it in my bones that Washington would call

you and give you orders to enlarge the camp.

Enlarge the camp? They think it's too big. I've got orders to cut it down.

You'll find that I am the sole... Cut it down?

Yes. They want me to sell that ten acres next to Bimmerman Swamp.

Bimmerman Swamp? Yeah, what idiot would buy that?

Yeah.

Well,

that was the business deal of the year. Two hundred and fifty bucks for a swamp.

All right, all right.

We're in. If anybody in Kansas wants mosquitoes, they got to come to us.

Jokes. I'm trying to think. Jokes, I guess. So we got stuck, Sarge. They'll

never get stuck. I've just begun the fight. So we own a swamp, right? Right.

what are we going to do with it? We're going to do with it what anybody who

owned the swamp does.

We're going to subdivide it and sell lots. We're going to sell lots?

Dimmelman Swamp?

Sarge, if they take one look. What's the matter with you? Don't you know what's

going on these days? People read, listen, and buy. They don't look.

Here's what we do.

How much money we got in the welfare fund?

About $100. Oh, no.

Not more money.

Twenty -five acres is a thousand dollars an acre. Are you sure? Look, Ernie,

that's just another... Why? Here's what we do. I want you to put ads in the

papers. Put them up to my head. It's open here. Get down to the swamp. Have

somebody help you.

Kill the mosquitoes in the swamp.

Mosquitoes? You heard me.

Sarge, how do you kill mosquitoes?

I don't know that. Somebody had it up. Hey, help!

I want some street signs made to put up on our property. Nice names.

Sarge, street signs at Bimelman Swamp? I never want to hear you use that name

again. From now on, we refer to our property by its righteous title.

Paradise Acres.

Paradise Acres. Just a good place to live.

Gentlemen, you're a highly intelligent group of people, and I didn't bring you

out here to promote.

I didn't bring you out here to sell. I brought you out here to give away

Paradise Acres. Yes, that's what it is. At $1 ,000 an acre, it's a giveaway.

And what was that, lady? You're wondering why are we breaking up this

beautiful estate where we simply cannot stand in the way of progress. Yes, the

beauty of Paradise Acres is not meant for one man. It's meant for all of you.

Unfortunately, a selling agent, Mr. Marbella, informs me there are still

choice locations left.

Would you bring in the exact replica of Paradise Acres? Isn't this a thrilling

panorama of modern living? Right here are the locations next to the modern

shopping center, which is, of course, right across the street away from the

school. The school bothers you, doesn't it? You'll love it when you do go there.

And for those of you who are sports -minded, right along San Susie

there are still some choice locations left, just a stone's throw away from the

Paradise Golf Club. And the president promises to play the first round of

Sweet of him, isn't it?

You can see it. There it is. The Palatian Country Club. How can't we go

see for ourselves?

No, you can't. I informed you we're not allowed in there while the construction

is going on. There's a bedroom of activity in there and a fun little hair.

And one little touch, head was injured. I could never face myself again. All

right, folks, this is your opportunity.

There are only a thousand dollars a naked. Did you hear that? One thousand.

do I hear say in the first... What was that, sir?

What?

No, but it's your money, Mr. Barbello. Are you sure? Mr. Barbello informs me

to some cracks in the sidewalk along Honeysucker Lane here, he's letting the

lots go at only... Are you sure?

Only $500 an acre.

Ladies and gentlemen, take advantage of this man's foolish generosity.

Only $500 an acre. First come, first served. And you'd better hurry because

staring right at me, I see one of Rosal's leading real estate operators,

Burke. I see that theme in your eyes, sir. Perhaps he'll buy the entire

Look, Bilko, I'm just here because I didn't believe it. You hate it yourself,

folks. He doesn't believe it, and neither will you believe it when you see

modern community... Don't go!

What's going on here? And you're worried about your neighbors? This is the type

of neighbor you'll have right next door to you... Quiet!

You men know the medical officer warned you against being in this unhealthy

area? Say, halt!

Right face!

All right, halt!

You're in the modern shopping center. Step over there.

All right. Tell you what I'm going to do. I know you're a man of vision.

Visualize what can be done. Don't go. I visualized it years ago.

It's Billman's swamp.

Billman's. Good heavens. That must be at least 14 miles.

Don't kid me.

All right. But you did get rid of the mosquitoes.

Give me $10 a leg and give me a chance to break even. Oh, look, Bilko. The only

reason I'm here is because I'm the local agent for the International Land

Development Company. And I've got to look at everything that's for sale.

I'll have a good report for them on this.

Yes, what is it, Miss Basie? I have Mr. Robinson in New York. Oh, Mr. Robinson.

Hello, Mr. Robinson.

Yes, I was out there. No, nothing whatever. Just a swamp land.

It's of no value whatsoever.

What is it, Miss Basie? What's that on your shoes?

I just got back from that swamp. They're wet. That doesn't look like water.

Just one moment, Mr. Robinson.

Oil?

Mr.

Robinson, I'll call you right back.

It's crude oil, all right. It's oil, Mr. Robinson.

25 acres of it.

Now, listen, Bert, don't panic. Buy every lot of it and be smart.

Offer him so little, no one suspects.

I'm flying out to Kansas at once.

What is it, J .R.? You think our eye on Kansas paid off? We've got oil.

Mr. Tyler, be reasonable. We're offering to sell the property back to the county

and half of what we paid for it.

Oh, sure.

What is it, Sarge? I don't want to take it back. He says we owe him $16 in taxes

already. Come on.

Hello?

Hello, Bilko? This is Mr. Burke.

I've been thinking about that property you have a sale. You know, that

swampland? Well, Mr. Burke, if you're interested, perhaps I can talk my show

sheets into disposing of the property. Well, Mr. Robinson, who I represent,

hates to see a soldier get stuck. Now, we'll take it off your hands, shall we

say $2 an acre?

Two... You say $2 an acre. I think that's terribly unfair, Mr. Burke. After

we spent $10 an acre for the property. Well, can't you boost it just a little?

Well, as long as it's for you boys...

up to $5 an acre. Maybe I could just stop at a monocle.

What's this on your shoe?

It must be something I picked up at the swampland.

Oh, Mr. Robinson says it's okay, Bilko.

$5 an acre.

Oh, Bilko.

How about $6 an acre? That's all.

$7? $8?

$9?

Hello, Mr. Burke. Stop wasting my time.

If you want to do business with me, stop talking in the millions.

Millions?

They know about the oil. Oh, I knew you'd mess it up. Now, listen, Bilkoff.

We'll go as high as any oil company. We've got millions.

Now, let's get together at once.

All right, Mr. Robinson. I'll speak to my board of directors. I'm sure they'll

be willing to make some sort of deal. I'll get in touch with you.

Mr. Pilko, we've been on this contract for eight hours. Will you please sign?

Please, please, Mr. Robinson. I'm just the voice of the board of the director.

Gentlemen, we're down to this. We get $11 million as a down payment.

Then 10 cents a barrel, which will bring us in another million dollars.

How about the details? Sergeant, it's a standard contract. Please sign. I want

to get my drillers in there. Please, please, just a moment. You specify right

this clause here to build us each a home in Miami Beach, right?

You don't say anything about the type of construction.

It specifies a $50 ,000 home. They can have any kind of price they want.

I'll speak to the men. Now, gentlemen, there it is. How does it sit with all of

you?

He speaks for the group.

All right, a swimming pool. Sergeant, an operation like this, what's a million

dollars one way or another? Now, please, let's settle it now. Let's not go into

litigation later. This is the time to clarify it. Here's your clause.

You guarantee us each a limousine, but there's nothing said about a chauffeur

with each house.

Mosquito. Mosquito.

Now, will you please sign, Sergeant?

Another mosquito.

Mosquito, I thought we got rid of them. Yep.

Mosquitoes are back. Get rid of them. I'll do what I did before.

Goodbye. I'll spray oil on this one.

Oil?

I said, I'll spray oil.

He said, Earl, that's Corporal Earl. They have a lot of fun. They spray each

other with garden hoses. Go spray oil. I'm Dick.

Out! I'm Simon. Quiet.

Has that oil been used to exterminate the mosquitoes?

I guess that's what I'm saying. We're taking the boat.

Unanimous? Okay, we're signing. No, please. We're very happy to hold the

right away. You yourself said tonight. I want you to drive me to the airport.

I'll sign it. Thank goodness I found out about this.

Please!

It became that close.

And it all started with one word.

Tangerine.

Tangerine. Hey, wait a minute.

It never did get back to the Colonel, did it?

Boy, we're lucky.

Lucky? It cost us $11 million.

Cheap. Cheap.

To find out that we haven't got a spy in the outfit.

Come on, Dino.

I want to tell you a secret.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.