Original subtitles

I hope we're retired quickly. Emergency military message. Get this to your

announcer at once. Look, Sergeant Bilko, Mr. Neiman says no more free plugs.

Free plugs?

Free plugs indeed. The security of our nation is in danger. You are blocking

your vital military communication.

Are you a citizen? Bilko, Bilko, Bilko.

Don't tell yourself it's all settled. Get that to the announcer. Let me see

that. Oh, no, you won't understand. This is all in code. I do hope this gets to

the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Time. Gala dance this Saturday at Fort Baxter

Recreation Hall.

Oh, I don't think we should be meeting this unless you're cleared by

I wanted to use carry pages, but you wouldn't let me.

Princess Nadja, do her tantalizing voodoo dance of exotic passion.

Admission $2. Children in arms free.

This is a message for the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

All right, I'll level with you. It's the last dance of our season. Give us a

break. All right, Wilco. I'll put it on the air for you. You will? I will

personally see that Princess Nadja thanks you in the island fashion.

Now, this is just one final question.

You see, the radio station goes off the air tomorrow night at midnight for good.

For good? I thought you were doing very well with the local sponsors.

Oh, sure. Sure I am. So far this year, I've taken in $30 ,000.

But it costs me $40 ,000 to run the station.

I'm going into television.

He's going into television.

It means only one thing.

We're going into radio.

Radio? We can't let down the local sponsors who are begging us to take $30

a year to keep a station going in Roseville. But you've got to have a

station. We've got one right on the post. You mean Sergeant Grover's signal

hooker. But that's only for the camp.

And Grover will never go for it. Won't he? Let me tell you about Grover.

Grover is an Irish tenor. I have a way with Irish tenors. Shall we?

Look, this time you slipped your trolley all together. A public radio station

from here? You yourself said all you've got to do is synchronize the

wavelengths, boost the power, and use the old parachute jump tower as a

transmitter. Sure, and I can also walk into the guardhouse and close the door

right for me. I wouldn't... We've got all the programs lined up for the local

sponsors.

Dwayne Doberman analyzes the news.

Rupert Ritzik and his magic recipes.

Irving Fleischman, the Irish tenor.

And there he has it.

The Irish tenor. Of course.

You've got to have an Irish tenor. He's the only one on the post.

Are you kidding?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I'll take you home again, Kathleen.

Across the ocean, wild and wild.

Well? Who are you kidding? What do you think I was born yesterday?

What do you mean?

That wasn't you. You got a record of Morton Downey behind you. You're making

with the mouth. What are you kidding?

No, no, no. That was me. Now listen.

I'll take you home again, Kathleen.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

The man opens his mouth and the voice of an angel comes out. He says, what's

the... Francis, why didn't you tell me you could sing like that? Well, what do

you mean?

I already signed up, Fleishman, for 39 weeks as the Irish tenor. Oh, you did,

huh? Well, I got news for you. Unless I'm the Irish tenor on that station, you

ain't gonna have no radio station.

But I signed Fleishman. You heard me. I'm the Irish tenor.

All right, you got me over a barrel.

You're the Irish tenor.

Okay, I'll get working on the station right away. Gomez!

Hennessy! Come on, look alive!

Civilian clothes? Madison Avenue style. From this point on, we are advertising

agency men selling programs to sponsors. Here's what I want.

Thank you, Mr.

Schultz.

Bill Bailey was a lot of fun at the conference today. I always say, good

captain, good crew. How do you do? I'm J. Ernest Bilko of BB &H Advertising

Agency. I'd like to present my associates.

Stanton Barbella, Hubble Henshaw.

Advertising, look, the radio station's closing. I'm switching over to

No, no, no.

You're staying in radio. We represent WBBH, Roseville's new station. Glad to

have you aboard.

We'll carry the ball for you. I'm going to put you down for a half -hour program

every day, and may I guarantee you one thing? We'll give you a program with

in it.

Meat in it?

Here, here, man. It's only $10 a week. Name the kind of program you want and I

guarantee you we'll lock Periscope and pull for home.

$10? Take it out of these things, won't you? What can I lose? My customers like

soap operas. When they cry, they eat more meat.

Very true. Why didn't I think of it? That new show we've just developed.

John's Original Wife.

John's Original Wife? It'll destroy you. Clear sailing, let's up anchor and

spice away.

Madam Ramona, I am surprised. You're pulling out a radio advertising just

it's starting to grow. What grow?

Everybody's looking at television.

Oh, I see. You believe those phony surveys. Well, let's just see for

I beg your pardon, miss.

Have I ever seen you grow?

Have I paid you any money for this opinion?

I'll think before you answer. Which do you prefer, television or radio?

What's radio?

You heard her say, what's radio?

Are you content to remain a one -sink operation with radio advertising? Who

needs advertising?

All right. Don't take my word for it. Let's ask an impartial witness. I beg

pardon, miss. What brought you to Ramona's Beauty Shop? It's the only one

town. Who is this woman? She's my partner. Business is so bad, we take

rinsing each other.

No radio jingles.

Yes, Rogers and Hammerstein wrote this up on speculation, of course. Cole

wanted to crack at this for the agency. I'd like you to hear this. Now,

gentlemen, the jingle. Oh, just a minute. I want to witness this. Madam,

value your opinion. Would you mind listening? Oh,

we just came from the beauty shop, but beautiful to see. I got myself a henna

rinse, $1 .93.

Please fix my face for me. She will arch your brows. And curl your hair. And

clip your toenails free.

Well?

Let's hear what Cole Porter's got.

Oh, give me the contacts. You'll never... This is Bill

Neiman bringing to a close 25 years of broadcasting.

And so station WROS goes off the air forever.

Good night.

Switch over.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is WBVH, the station with the

conscience, carrying on where WROS left off. Our aim, a simple one, to bring

Roseville the finest in entertainment and public service programs.

Our motto, the truth.

And now, a word from Clark Gable.

Daya Fadge, my friends in Hollywood are continually asking me, Clark, why do you

go all the way to Roseville, Kansas to have your old clothes ordered? Well,

simple. Because Roseville, Kansas is the home of Schneiderman, Speedy Taylor.

We're right now the master of the neighborhood.

Sam Schneiderman. His running is special. Get acquainted off. For only $2

Sam will take this old double -breasted suit and turn it into a smart new single

-breasted Easter outfit.

Thank you, Tom.

We'll see you next time. And now, the correct time brought to you by

Patch Out.

At the sound, it will be two minutes after midnight.

courtesy of Ramona's Beauty Shop, it's time for your midnight rendezvous with

Lonesome Pierre.

Good evening, my darlings.

This is Lonesome Pierre.

Is your husband asleep?

Oh, what he does not know, he will not hate him.

Here, my darling, let me pour you a glass of wine.

To us, my darling.

Your sparkling eyes match the wine. I salute you.

Magnificent. This evening, Ramona has done wonders with your hair. So chic, so

mouton. How did you know I loved spit curl?

You're intoxicating, my dear. Let me whisper a little love poem in your ear.

Your lips are like a cherry's glow.

The sweetest taste I'll ever know.

So kiss me, dear, and say, oh, man, our love is like a vintage wine.

I cannot wait.

Your little ear, your fingertips.

Bowie?

Watch Women Alive.

Good morning, early birds. That was wake -up music played for you by the one and

only Harry James.

And thank you.

And now, for a quick resume of the morning news, we switch you to

where the Dean of America News Analyst is waiting.

Take it away, H .B. Doberman.

Thank my watching.

Washington, D .C.

Today at his press conference, President Eason...

Welcome, homemakers. It's kitchen magic time with Chef Rupert.

Hiya, babes.

What recipe are you going to give us today?

I think I'll take a shot at some popovers.

Popovers? Yum, yum. Get your pencils and papers ready, girls. Go ahead, Sarge. I

mean, myself.

First, pour 50 gallons of milk into four packs of chocolate.

Mix gently with a canoe paddle.

Now, in another 20 -gallon pot, separate 20 dozen eggs.

I'll wait.

If you have followed these instructions carefully, you should have now about 3

,000 popovers.

Unexpected. Oh.

Here's another little cooking hint for chip beef on toast.

First, it's six pies of beef. Thank you, Chef Rupert. And now we'll switch you

back to our main studios for a visit with the Irish Trust. Take it away.

I'll take you home again, Kathleen.

Across the ocean wide and wide.

Ladies, this is General Cummings.

One of you shut off that horrible singing.

General Cummings is here to inspect the entire post.

The entire post, sir? Top to bottom. Well, everything seems to be all right

here, as you were. Thank you, sir. I would like to see your signal car

installation. Yes, General. I think you'll find Sergeant Grover a crack

engineer. Excuse me, sir. Did you say Sergeant Grover? Yes, why?

Oh, he's a grand man. Grand. Thank you, sir.

I've got to get over to Grover. What time is it? The Tennessee Mountain Boys.

Set them up in the furnace room. Tell them to stand by. I've got to stop

Look out!

When first you were my...

The roses all have... Ladies and gentlemen, do the... Well, it's not

Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical difficulties, we switch you over to the

Blue Ridge Mountain Boys for the Mountain Boys rhythm music.

Rascal, quit, quit.

Sergeant Grover, do you actually think that radar is superior to smoke signal?

Yes, sir.

Good boy. Well, I just saw you in the kitchen.

Just trying to help out, sir. Good man.

Interesting in every department. Thank you, sir. Yes, he certainly is.

Well, shall we go on? Yes, I'd like to show you our furnace installation.

Yes, I'd like to see it. As you were. Thank you, sir.

You're doing a grand job here, Grover.

Wait!

Thank you, Mountain Boys. We'll switch you back now to the Irish Thrush. Brad's

coming. Move.

Remarkable man.

Thank you, sir. Yes, yes.

Colonel, I didn't notice. Has your signal core received the new TWX

transmitters? Let's check with Grover. Grover?

Yes. Good man, sir. Good man.

Oh, Troy.

Thank you, Irish Trush. And now we take you to that popular local quiz program.

Come and get it. Take it away, Quizmaster.

I'll start.

Where's it coming from? Give it to me.

Tell me, Sergeant Grover. The boys were only staying the other day. What a grand

job you do.

Change it.

As you were.

Just checking.

Well, yes, sir.

We're here at your disposal. We'll go.

50 ,000 watts.

Well, isn't that a lot of power to cover just one camp?

Sir, we're prepared to cover the entire state in case you -know -who strikes

first. Of course, of course.

Well, what's next?

I'd like to show you our motor pool.

Yes, I was saying to the boys about a motor pool. Look out!

And now, Mr. Hazelcorn of Sioux City, Iowa, for $165 ,000, what

president was the Washington Bridge named after?

I got it!

It was a figure! Sorry, sir. We've run out of time. I'm sure you can come back

next week. Thank you very much. And now back to our main studios for a visit

with the Irish thrush. Take it away!

I'll take you home again.

Now we have to do a full day's work, gentlemen, because we're working all

This is the motor pool. Sergeant Bilko is in charge here.

It's the last place I expected to find him.

Keeps us chuckling all the time. Show me your leader. That can make us anything

wrong, General.

50 ,000 watts.

I'd like to see that Sergeant Grover again.

Of course, of course. Now, men, we have to wait, because I've got to get to

Grover.

To where I have never been before.

Thank you, Irish crush, and now we switch you to... Ladies and gentlemen,

honor of that great American, we now observe five minutes of silence.

Oh, it's you, Wilco. For a moment, I had a terrible feeling that you wouldn't be

here.

About that 50 ,000... Colonel, this man's exhausted.

Sir, this man's been on duty for 24 hours, and as far as that equipment is

concerned, sir, it was put here by mistake. Take it away, Grover.

I'll take... I'll take over all his duties, sir. A remarkable soldier. Thank

very much, sir. Yes.

Oh, Bilko, have my staff card in my quarters at 6 o 'clock. My wife and I

going to the Hobsons for Canasta tonight.

Yes, sir.

Ernie! Ernie, it's my... Ooh!

Sorry, sir.

Carry on.

What? What? Sarge, I've been in that phone booth all day. The sponsors have

cancelled everything.

The Irish thrush did it again. Oh, come on, Ernie. Why don't we just dismantle

this stuff? What are you talking about? We've still got another program to do.

For Schultz's butcher shop. You know, John's original wife. Oh, and he gave

What do you mean, give up? He's the only guy that paid his cash. We got him down

for a week. Well, where are we going to do it? That general is all over the

post.

Wait a minute.

What time is John's original wife supposed to go on?

Six o 'clock.

That's it. What?

The one place we're sure that'll be empty at six o 'clock. The colonel's

We're going to broadcast from the colonel's house?

Listen, if person to person can do it.

I thought your car was waiting. I left the motor running. Oh, thank you, Bill.

Come along, dear. Have a good time, kids.

Bye, Campily.

Have a lot of fun.

Come on, come on, wait there. Come on, hook up the money, quickly.

Come on, it's almost six o 'clock.

I'll take you home.

I'm not going to wait.

Who's John?

Who's the wife? I'm here. All right, six o 'clock. Switch us over.

And now it's six o 'clock.

Time for John's original wife.

Brought to you by Schultz's Butcher Shop.

tops and chops.

The oldest name in roadkill butchery, Otto Schultz. His thumb has never lost

touch.

And now, for the first episode of John's Original Wife. This is the story of one

man's struggle to find happiness, although married.

Although married, there's a woman who doesn't understand him.

Our story opens in John's new home.

John and Una are just returning from their honeymoon.

As our scene opens, their car pulls into the driveway.

the map. The map? Who can find the map the way you keep this place? Don't you

dare talk to me like that. If you can't find your way by now without the map,

maybe I should drive.

You drive?

You drove once without my permission and you came back without fenders.

Well,

that was a close call. Now it's the end of WBBH. Hey, Grover, dismantle this

thing. Grover.

I'll take you home again.

It's over with.

Over? Yes. When you switched us off the air, that was it. Fini. Who switched you

off?

I'm going home to mother.

Good. I'll drive you there. I don't need a map for that.

So that concludes John's Original Wife.

So, ladies and gentlemen, this was the first and final episode of John's

Original Wife.

WBBH now leaves the air. Goodbye.

Oh, that's it. Too bad, Ernie. Well, we tried. We just write it off as a total

loss. Come on, let's get some sleep.

Well, that's a signal call.

What's for you, Ernie Rocco? Figures. The butcher wants his ten dollars back.

Hello, Rock. Tell him I'll bring the ten dollars around first thing in the

morning.

What? I tell you, Ernie, this town is crazy about the show.

Mr. Schultz wants to sign for another five years. I can't wait till tomorrow's

program. Rock, now listen.

Keep him away from anybody. You understand? If the army finds out what

it means Alcatraz for all of us.

I'll think of something in the morning.

We've got to think of something.

Look who I'm asking.

Did you hear that show last night, Tom's original wife? Hear it? I thought I'd

split.

Did you hear it? Did I hear it? Come on, come on. Edna, get me the duty rosters,

will you? Ernie, Ernie.

Did Schultz take his money back? No, he insists on that show going on. He says

the way they fight, that reminds him of home. Oh, no.

Here are the rosters. Check with the colonel. Okay.

I'm sorry I said those things about you. Oh, what's the difference? Nobody

heard.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Oh, Bilko. It's duty, Rasmus, but I can come back, sir.

wait. My wife is leaving. Yes, I was just going to beauty parlor.

Dinner at six, dear.

Bye, boo -boo. Bye, then.

Goodbye, dear.

We had a little tip last night. Oh, that's too bad, sir. Oh, well, it's all

now. Oh, I see. Then you're back to being dull. I mean, you two are an

inspiration to all of us, sir. Oh, thank you, Bilko.

Thank you, sir.

Jose, I just snicked a microphone out of the colonel's house. Oh, did you? Well,

sneak it right back in. Oh, not again.

Will you listen to me?

Schultz is paying for a show he thinks is a lot of fun about a couple arguing

all the time. When he hears tonight's dull, lumpy, dumpy episode, he'll be

begging us to cancel him out. Let me worry about these things. Come on. But I

thought when this John had to go all the way back home because his wife forgot

the map.

I'm sorry, sir. Oh, it's all right. Have your fun. Now, where are the office

requisitions? In the top file, sir. Thank you.

But the funniest thing, though, Edna, was when she said, if you don't know

way around by now without a mask, maybe I ought to drive.

The funniest

thing was when he said she brought the car back without...

Good evening. It's six o 'clock in time for John's original wife.

Brought to you by Schultz's Butcher Shop, where you meet the meat you want

eat. Once again, we join that sweet everyday couple, John and Nell, as they

enter their honeymoon cottage.

Let's listen.

John, I want to speak to you. I think you've done enough talking for one day.

What do you mean? You blabbed it all over town that we had a little argument

last night. I blabbed it? You and your big mouth. I... heard it in the beauty

parlor. My big mouth? You're just like your mother. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Isn't that terrific? Better than yesterday.

What's this? They're still fighting.

Sarge, if they keep that up, they're going to be on the air longer than I

Lucy.

Oh, they're nuts.

They're going off the air tonight for good.

I'm going home to mother.

Stop threatening me and go to your mother. This time I mean it.

What is it?

What? is it? You say. I just saw a mouse come in here.

What is this? I think I saw a prowler in the backyard, sir. Oh, no.

Oh, no, you say.

Oh, yes, I say, John. I got Nell, and I'll get you, too.

And that is the end of John and Nell.

Well, it must have been one of the guards taking the shortcuts to the

ground, sir. Kill the mouse! He put up a fight, but I got him.

Now, it was my fault. Boo -boo.

Well, I'll run along, folks. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. No, Belker, you

must stay for dinner. No, I really must be back at the post, sir. Oh, nonsense.

You must stay for dinner.

Oh, it's time for the news.

I'll take you home again.