Original subtitles

Are you guys back from project?

When Ronald Coleman told them they had to take an elevator.

What picture did you see? Around the world in 80 days. Boy, that was the end.

Yeah. There must have been a million stars in it. Frank Sinatra, David Niven,

Noel Collins. And Molly and Dietrich. Whoa!

And I wouldn't give to be ten years older.

Hey, don't worry.

Which star did you like best?

Which star?

David Niven. I think he's terrific.

Are you kidding? David Niven? He's nothing.

Does it?

Why, David Niven is the greatest.

Of course you would think he's the greatest. Just because you happen to

like him.

Oh, come on now. I don't look like David Niven.

Listen to him. The minute I saw David Niven in that picture, I said, there's

Doberman's double.

Oh, come on. Yeah, that's right. Come here, look.

Look at him.

David Niven to a T.

Boy, it's almost scary.

It's too close.

Doberman, the truth.

Are you really David Niven going under the name of Dwayne Doberman?

No, I'm Dwayne Doberman, honest.

I just look like David Niven.

Yeah? Then how come you happen to have the same English accent?

I got an English accent? Have you got an English accent?

Why, you make Anthony Eden sound like Maxie Rosenblum.

What is this, Grand Central Station?

Break it up. Break it up. Get out the cars. We're going to play some play.

on in, boys. Sit down.

Ritzig, I think this is going to be your lucky night. Well, look, boys. My wife

is homesick, and I can only play till four o 'clock in the morning. Sit down.

We've got to get back to the air race. I've got night dispatch duty.

Mac, relax.

We'll just play an hour.

I'll get some cider and some donuts. Right?

I'll get Doberman.

Doberman? How did you... Mirror, mirror on the

wall, who is the fairest? First of us all.

I am.

Alex.

Sergeant. Alex, get out of Wonderland. Get us some cider from the furnace room

and stop over at the PX and pick up some donuts on the double.

Right -o, Alvin.

A spot of cider and some crumpets.

Sounds like a jolly meeting, what?

Oh,

I see. We're playing I Got a Secret.

Your secret is you just escaped from the nuthouse. I gotta guess which one. Let

me get a cider.

He must have been left over from the canine call.

The five -card stud?

Got him.

All right, Ernie, let's get it over with.

What do you mean?

When from out of nowhere you pick me up at the airbase, blow me to a Chinese

dinner, treat me to a movie, then set up a card game with cider and donuts, it

means only one thing.

Of course.

That I like you. No, that you've got a furlough coming up and you want me to

you up on a free ride so you can get to New York and meet some waitress.

I'm shot.

You slapped me in the face. You couldn't...

Look, I... Aye, aye.

Did it ever occur to you I would do this simply out of the spirit of friendship?

Okay, I was wrong.

Wrong? You're so wrong, it isn't even funny.

First place, it isn't a waitress in New York. It's a telephone operator in San

Francisco.

Ernie, they're cutting down on those free rides.

I see. Going to play the big shot, huh? You know I'm broke.

You know my furlough with this blunt bombshell depends on you, huh? Going to

play it cozy. What do you want me to do, beg?

No, Ernie. I'm begging.

I'm begging. I've got to get to San Francisco, Mac. Wait till you see this

She's got a figure.

Well, all I can tell you, she makes Jane Mansfield look like one of those send

this girl to camp posters. I've got to get to San Francisco, Mac. Ernie,

only giving free rides on emergencies.

Mac, look at me good.

Did you ever see a greater emergency? Mac, I've got to get to San Francisco.

Okay, okay. Let me look at the schedule. Anything in the direction of San

Francisco. Not this Wednesday, you say? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, the only thing leaving our field is a B -52 jet bomber to Anchorage,

Alaska.

Alaska? Well, it gets to Anchorage in five and a half hours.

Only five and a half hours?

Well, look.

Suppose I go to Anchorage, right?

Can I catch a plane back from Anchorage to San Francisco? Well, let me check.

Hey, if you can't get a plane, you can always get a cab.

The greatest romance since Arthur and Catherine Murray is hanging in the

balance. He wants a play. I'm sorry. Ernie, that B -52 gets to Anchorage in

to connect with military air transport flight C -97.

Good. Now, does that get me close to San Francisco?

Well, not too close. It goes to Tokyo.

Tokyo? I want to go to San Francisco.

Well, you could always get a rickshaw.

Good morning, you. I am morning you. Don't give me grizzies. I'm warning you,

Richard. Now, I'm in Tokyo, right?

When does the next plane leave?

Right away.

To Karachi, India.

Karachi? Yeah. You can get an elephant.

That's the way it's when I caught him on his witty day.

That's right, honey. The plane in Karachi connects with the plane in

Yeah,

for Morocco you can get a camel.

Thanks a lot. I need a little help. This is what I get from you. Ernie, Ernie,

look, it's true. From Morocco, you catch the C -121 flight to Maguire Field in

New Jersey. And from New Jersey in a B -52 to here, you've been around this

world.

Welcome back home, Ernie.

Very great.

I'm in a spot. This is the way you'd help me, huh? Around the world on a

-day pass, huh? Well, why not? It'll only take you about 80 hours.

Yeah, just like that picture around the world in 80 days.

The only difference in the picture, David never won a bet for $20 ,000 for

it.

$20 ,000?

Yeah.

I can do this in 80 hours?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Huh? Well, why not? Yeah.

Yeah.

on Mrs. O 'Leary's cow.

Oh, now you're kidding. What do you mean the mayor won't let you burn Chicago

down? Okay.

Tell him to hold things off. Try Syracuse. Now, where was I?

Dear Mama Rush, in regard to the elephant whose tail you claim was singed

a production of Around the World in 80 Days... Pardon me.

Yes?

You spoke to the mayor of Syracuse, and he won't let you burn it.

Well, then buy it, and there's no law... against us burning our old property.

Where was it? Dear Maharaja, in regard to the... Excuse me, Mr. Todd. Yes, what

is it? Bob O'Donnell phoned in the Texas Grocers.

Not interested. Metro called about the next picture.

Don't talk. Your wife called. She wants you to pick up four lamb chops on your

way home. Four lamb chops on my way home.

Big ones.

And there's a long -distance call from Sergeant Ernest Bilko in Roseville,

Kansas. I don't know any Sergeant Bilko in Kansas.

It's a collect call.

Collect?

Mr. Todd, this is Ernie Bilko. I'm sorry to trouble you, sir, but we out here in

Kansas, we didn't get our entry blanks for the contest.

What contest?

What contest? The big $20 ,000 contest to be given to the one who goes around

the world first in 80 hours.

Around the world in 80 hours?

Oh, the minute I read about it, I said, who?

Who but that spectacular showman that Mike Todd could have thought of such a

wonderful exploitation idea?

Why, George, there's a million dollars worth of publicity for a measly $20

must be some mistake. I know nothing about a contest.

Oh, I see. Just one of those baseless rumors.

Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you, Mr. Todd. Goodbye.

Bye.

Now, where was I? Dear Maharaja, if you are... Wait a minute.

Call the publicity station.

Yes. What did he say? You've never heard of the contest. Give me a hand. Here.

You, get over to the dispatcher's office right away and start making

arrangements. Arrangements? I've got to get around the world in 80 hours. Set up

all the air bases. The minute Bilko comes in, he goes right through. And

that contest is announced, I want to be able to get right off. But, Ernie...

Don't barney me. There's $20 ,000 involved here. But my touch, there's

be no contest.

You're going to listen to Mike Todd or you're going to listen to me.

There's going to be around the world in 80 -hour contest. The first person goes

around the world in 80 hours.

It's $20 ,000.

Clear? Around the world in 80 hours. Hey, what great exploitation for the

picture. That's wonderful.

A million dollars worth of press for $20 ,000.

Now do I have to think of these things or do I have to do it myself? Mike,

that's a great idea. Where'd you get it?

I don't know. It just come to me when I was in a telephone.

Set up a press conference immediately.

And I'll get spot announcements on TV.

Yeah, and I'll contact you with the results. You'll contact nobody. I'm

right with you. We're back in show business, boys.

Todd.

Oh, boys, something big came up. You take care of it the best you can without

me. Okay, boss. Bye.

Uh, four lamb chops.

Did I tell you it's in the paper? They announced the contest. I know what I'm

talking about, don't I? What?

Shoot, the contest. I know, I know. The whole Air Force knows. Look at this,

Arnie. There's a warning out there afraid that some G .I. is going to try

a free trip around the world to win that prize. Oh, we care. There's $20 ,000

involved. All right, you're all set up, Ernie. I've been up all night talking to

airbases all over the world. They're going to push me through?

Yeah, but officially they only know that a package called Bilko is coming

through. I'm a package? Yeah, that's right.

P -E -B.

Priority Emergency Baggage. P -E -B?

Any F -ers we call that, grab it, fly it, don't ask any questions. Mac, you've

done a great job. All right, now look, Ernie, you've got less than an hour

before they grab you. Now, here's the schedule.

Make notes. Roger. Go ahead.

This is it.

Wait a minute.

How do you spell this?

T -H -I -S. Just write down the important facts.

Go ahead.

Ernie, the B -52 that was supposed to land here has been switched to Topeka.

do you spell B -52?

You know how to spell B -52?

Well, I can spell the B, but that 52 has got me a little stuck. Look at the city

you're in.

Yeah. Make notes. Ernie, look, you've got less than an hour. Let's get this

schedule. Let's get this right. Now, first, a jet fighter is going to grab

at the gate at 852 of the munitions.

Fly to Topeka so that you can make the flight that goes to Anchorage, leaving

Topeka at 9 .03.

I'm in Topeka. All right, you're in Topeka. Then you take the flight to

Anchorage, Alaska.

I'm in Anchorage. And when you arrive at Anchorage, there'll be a jeep to pick

you up to rush you the three miles to the Matt Air Base where you can catch

plane to Tokyo.

From Tokyo. From Tokyo, where you arrive at 2 .27 a .m., you take the flight to

Karachi. Karachi, right about.

From Karachi, you get a flight to our air base in Morocco. Morocco, you're

a great job. What now?

Parker. Winter clothes, snow shoes. Get the snow because that flight takes off

in less than an hour.

Magnificent show.

Magnificent. I got Charlie Johnson to Anchorage. There's snowed in. Thanks a

lot. Snowed in?

Oh, no.

It means it's all off. What do you mean, all?

Look, Ernie, you'd need a dog sled to get to that field to catch the Tokyo

plane. Hello, Charlie. You may as well catch it.

Hold it. We'll get a dog sled. A dog sled? Are you kidding?

No little patch of snow in Alaska is going to stand between me and $20 ,000.

Hello.

Say, you boys are doing a bang -up job up there in those frozen wastelands

guarding the country we all love so well. Why, only yesterday I was speaking

General Healy about you boys.

Well, thank you, thank you. Look, if we can do anything for you, just... What?

A dog sled?

Good boy.

Check. I ain't what we'll do. Wait, ah. Don't, man. Run over to Quartermaster's.

Get me a parka, some heavy gloves and snowshoes. Right, General. See?

You know, this just came in from Cushmore, Morocco. Wait a minute. What's

to go wrong in Morocco?

Sandstorm. All outbound flights to continental United States canceled.

That's it. Wait a minute. There must be another plane out of Morocco. I checked.

There is a plane from Morocco to Trinidad, but it's British Army.

So what? They're our allies.

Ernie, it leaves from Victoria Field, which is 12 miles from our base. Between

the two, there's nothing but sand.

Let's not have any panic, please.

Get me Morocco. He's still got a hold on. I'll talk to him.

Hello, Morocco.

Say, you boys are doing a bad job.

Camel? Oh, look, Sarge. Victoria Field is 12 miles away, and you've got to make

it in 23 minutes in order to catch that Trinidad plane.

I don't know if any camel around here can do it.

Oh, well, look, Sarge, I'll try. All I can do is try.

Good boy. I got Trinidad. Ernie, you toss him. Come on.

Hello? Hello?

Hello, you there?

What's that?

Oh, I say, you can't land without visas and all that.

This guy sounds like Doberman.

Listen, if you don't understand it's an around -the -world flight, this will

make your airbase famous.

Oh, we could do with a bit of excitement around here.

Yes, I'll check with the governor.

Pip -pip. We can do it.

Anchorage, boys!

Anchorage. Hello, Belko.

I got your dog sled.

Wait, here's Nanook. Hello, Nanook. I got to get from Anchorage to Myrtle

in 15 minutes. Now, can you do it? How many dog you want?

How many dogs? What's the difference?

To me, he make no difference.

To you?

$10 a dog.

This is why it's important.

The minute I get there, you understand?

No questions asked. I'll have a tag around me marked P .E .B.

Put me on a sled and mush.

Not using mush anymore.

Outmoded expression.

Today, modern Eskimo, thanks to radio, television, and communications... He's

giving me a lecture on modern Eskimo here. You make the deal with him, don't

over $50.

Roger. Turn it on, won't you?

Ernie, Ernie, that jet from Topeka will be here to pick you up any minute. We'll

make it.

things for you to do. I need a tropical outfit. I'm going to be riding on the

desert. Go, go, move.

Topo. What are you talking about?

Sarge, you mean to say you still don't see it? See what?

My remarkable resemblance to David Niven?

David Niven. All I need is a mustache. All you need is a new head. You look

nothing like David Niven. But Sarge, your fellas... The fellas have been

you. Now stop being such a jerk. Now come on. Wait, wait, move.

Okay. Now look, I didn't mean to break your heart.

make it to Victoria Field in 15 minutes.

Fatima can make it in 14 minutes.

Hello, Abdul. Look, the sergeant will tell you where to have the camel when I

get to the airport. Now, how much do you want?

I am sorry. I cannot rent you my camel.

Why not?

No, because I do not have a camel.

I have a dromedary.

What's the difference between a dromedary and a camel? What is the

Look, Abdul, I got the... How much do you want? What's your price?

I suppose you also think camels can go without water for eight days.

Admit it.

Okay, I admit it. You are wrong, my friend.

How long do you think a camel can go without water?

Ernie, you've got to get across the field. Hey, hold on. I think I'm

the first plateau.

All right, I give up. How long?

I think it gets.

Come here, robot.

I've got no patience. Make a deal with him. Any deal. Ernie, the jet will be

here in five minutes. If you miss the anchorage plane, you're dead.

All right, let's get moving. Ernie, I made a deal with that Eskimo for his

Forty bucks. Goodbye.

Imagine that guy. He wanted to stick us, you know. He wanted to rent us a sled.

Trans -Kansas line now boarding for O'Meara, Wichita, Elmira, Platteville,

Elkhorn, and Garfield City.

You're all set. The jet's circling the field. You've got about three minutes.

Three minutes.

Remember, as far as these guys are concerned, you're nothing but baggage.

they've got to do is see that tag.

Don't worry, they'll see it. Henshaw, take a wire. Right, sir. Mike, Todd, you

know the address. Our name is Mr. Todd. It is Bilko, left Bedford Field at...

8 .52 a .m. Wednesday to arrive back at Bedford Field at 3 .46 Friday.

Yeah, by completing a trip around the world in 80 hours.

Right. And then add this.

Please bring check.

Got it, Sarge. All right. Good luck, Sarge. Thank you. Oh, look, Goldman,

because I said you don't look... Military jet from Topeka now landing

six. That's it, Ernie. Now stay here right near the gate where they can see

and watch out for the MPs. Good luck. Thank you.

Where's that selfie? Oh, Barbara, what? Stop fidgeting. Sidney, wipe your nose.

Barbara, what is this?

Oh, dear. Are you sure?

Sergeant. Yes? Please watch my children. Oh, no. I have to take my little girl

to the... You see, I'm like... Lady, would you wait a... Military jet from

Topeka now landed.

Kids, you have to... I can't go.

Mommy wants you to go. I can't wait. Wait a minute.

Yes? Let's see your papers. Where are you off to? Papers, indeed.

The hot school minister man has with his beloved family to say goodbye.

Papers, indeed. Goodbye, children. While Daddy is overseas protecting you and

other soldiers are busy bullying G .I .s... But you're not... Michael!

Michael!

What's that card?

Oh, uh, this is Matthew. You see, I have to put this on because this brave

little boy, he's only 12, you know, he's going by himself to California to see

his nanny. Is there anything wrong about you, Cossacks?

Don't get sore. Well, I'm not sore, but I don't like to... What is this, Russia?

Go away!

I gotta go. I can't leave you. I can't leave! No!

Where's your mother? Where'd she go? Come here.

How can he be lost? To be the little boy I put a tag around him, huh?

We've got to stop that plane. We've got to stop it. Let's go.

Wait here.

Where's the plane?

Roger.

Roger. Come on, get the car. It can't be Topeka. Topeka. Topeka just reported.

Everything is on schedule.

Ernie, they took you off the jet and they put you on a B -52 and you're on

way to Alaska.

I'm on my way to Alaska.

Jax, it's me.

Oh, you're back.

Oh, you set a new record. A new record.

We'll have your boy back. Hold it, hold it. I got the plane.

I got the plane.

Flight 97 to Bedford. Come in, Bedford.

Look, you gotta come back. You've got a kid who's a passenger on your plane by

mistake. Sidney on a plane. He hasn't got a ticket.

Flight 97 to Bedford. This is a transport run. There are no passengers

flight. Just a B -E -B. We grab it. We're flying it. Don't ask any

Over and out.

They just grab it and fly it and they don't ask questions. Well, I...

Your inch.

Did you like the dogs?

You left your key open.

Quiet. It's Cindy there. It's Cindy there.

Are you going to answer it? Are you kidding?

Hello, right?

Flight 820 anchors to Tokyo. We told you there's no personnel listed on our bill

of aid. Just cargo, P .E .B. Over and out.

Look, I'm sorry, but the only thing that came through here in Tokyo was a P .E

.B. And we put it on the Karachi plane.

According to regulations. Where's Cindy? Where's my Cindy?

Who's Cindy?

That's nothing, sir.

Somebody wants Sidney.

Oh, here's Sidney.

We got him. We got him. Hello, this is Sidney.

Sidney. Sidney, Australia.

with this woman's child?

I keep trying to tell you the little boy's on a plane. He's on a trip around

world. Oh, you stick to that story, eh? But it's the truth. Look, Ken, I can...

Do you want to speak to Sidney? Yes.

In the next few minutes, he'll be arriving in Trinidad. Trinidad. He's

to take his violin lesson this afternoon.

Look, Sarge, I give you my word. If you'll just come to the dispatch office

the airbase, I can prove it to you. You'd better prove it. Come on, let's

That's in the United States, you know.

I'm happy to present this man with $20 ,000 for being the first one to go

the world in 80 hours. Thank you so much for giving my children a chance to get

an education.

And Sergeant Bilko, thank you.

Mr.

Todd, I want to explain. This was all my idea.

Oh, please.

I don't want anything. Just one little thing. Please. The guy in my platoon.

David Niven?

Really, Mr. Todd? There, David. I'd be very happy to see you back in Hollywood

for your next picture.

Sarge. He mistook me for David Niven. Why not? You're the spitting image of

Let's get back to the post.

Right.

and Michael Todd as himself.

Stay tuned.

The Addams Family is coming up next, right here in TV Land.