Original subtitles

I do not!

What are we going to do? Spend the whole night here in the lobby waiting for him

to get a date. He'll get a date. It's just that he hasn't been in New York in

such a long time.

Hello, Zelda.

This is Danny Bilko. Yes, I'm in town with some friends. We have a reservation

at the Latin Quarter. I thought you'd like to join us for a little dancing.

Is that whatever comes later?

I thought you would like... Hello.

Hello.

She couldn't make it? That was her husband.

Look at that list. There must be somebody I forgot. Look, if you can't

date... I can't get a date? You must be kidding.

I can't get a date. May I point out to you I'm just a little more

than my friends here? Yes.

Yes, I don't just throw myself at it. Hello there.

You don't think I'm going to grab the first girl and go, hello, how are you?

You better go along without me. Oh, but Ernie, we came together. Look, what's so

terrible? I'll go to my room at the Y, I'll read a book, I'll look at some

television, then I'll throw myself out the window. Oh, come on. What do you

from me?

Ernie! Hello there.

Oh, Ernie, how are you? How are you?

You don't remember me. Of course, you're Harvey Mess.

How are you, Ernie Philco? I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing

I'm in the Navy. What am I doing?

This is my friend, Corporal Barbello. This is Corporal Henshaw. And of course,

you know, Jane Mansfield and Miss Helen Hayes.

Oh, same old thing. Very big in that business.

Very big. What a funny coincidence. Guess who I bumped into yesterday?

Who? Peggy LaSalle.

Peggy? Oh, you gotta remember her, the showgirl with the follies. You know, she

was so nuts about you. Peggy LaSalle? Yeah. That beautiful? Yeah. Did she

remember me? Remember you? You're all she talked about. She's trying to get in

touch with you. No kidding. Really, she gave me your phone number. You've got a

little card like this. Is this it, Harvey?

Is this the card I'm getting?

Look, I've got to run along now, Ernie. Why don't you give me a ring sometime?

Yeah, I'll call. Where can I get in touch with you? Same old place. Same old

place. I'll see you.

Can't get a date, huh?

Can't get a date. Are you kidding?

Oh, wait till you see this girl.

Peggy LaSalle. Remember her now.

A rare beauty.

Hensher, this dame is the most.

I'm sure.

And she makes you look like a boy. Wait till you see her.

Did she really build that?

I'll never forget her. When she used to walk in that runway, the follies and the

spots would hit those spangles and make shimmies and... Hello.

Hello.

Hello, Peggy.

Yes, who's calling?

This is your lucky day, baby. This is the most fascinating man in town. Mr.

Wonderful is here.

Oh, I...

Right away. Right away. Look, control yourself.

My mama's here.

Come in.

Ta -da! I'm here, you lucky girl.

Oh, no.

Oh, are you... Don't speak.

You're beautiful.

You're even more beautiful than you were in the folly.

Ernie Bilko? Yes.

Mother! Mother? My mother.

You haven't changed a bit.

Oh, there's my date pump. Oh, have a good time. Oh, Ernie, remember our first

date. When you took me through Central Park in that handsome cab at 3 o 'clock

in the morning. Oh, you dog.

Peggy, please.

Oh, you're still angelic, Ernie.

Peggy, Peg.

Peggy, honey, there's a gentleman here, Peggy. Oh, Ernie, this is my husband,

Bill. How do you do?

So you're Ernie Bilko.

Don't mind me. This does my heart good. I think you should see more of her, old

friend. I was just an acquaintance. I really got to run along. Oh, no. Run

along? Not before we have a talk. Talk? Yes. Why do you think I've been looking

all over for you? There's something we've got to discuss.

Discuss? I haven't seen you in 18 years. What is that? Hi, Mom.

Oh, Ernie, this is my son.

Jeff, this is Ernie Bilko. How do you do, sir? Is this your boy?

Yes. Nice -looking kid.

what I want to talk to you about.

What? Why would you want to talk to me about him?

Here, let's sit down and discuss the whole thing. Sit down and talk about it?

Now to be civilized about it. We've got to reach a decision about Jeff. And

you're the only one who can tell us. What can I tell you? What have I to

Ernie, Jeff is 17.

17? Let's get right to the point.

Hey, what year was it I met you in the folly? 39.

Now here's the situation.

He's out of high school.

And now he wants to enlist in the army. And you're the only one who can advise

us what to do. Look, if I met you in 39... What?

Oh, you want me to advise you about him in the army?

Oh, let's discuss it.

Oh, he's a fine looking boy. He's got your chin. He's your boy. You can't deny

it. What should he do?

We think he should start college. He's got your eyes. He's the spitting

He's your boy. He always wanted to be a soldier. Tell him. Oh, is that what this

is about?

Look, son, I better tell you now. Army life is not a vacation, you know.

It's KP, 20 -mile hikes, open -air bid -backs. Of course, I just know this from

hearsay. It's the phase of the Army life. I never bought it.

Oh, don't kid me, Sergeant. Look at those campaign ribbons. Oh, that's in

past. Gee, Dad, look at this one. Tell me about this one, Sergeant. The bronze

star, this one. Oh, this one? I got that in the Marianas. You see, single

-handedly, I charge a Japanese pillbox. Gee. You see, I lost my glasses. I

thought it was a PX.

Oh, now no more talking. We'll have to dinner. James, you go wash up. Oh, Mom,

don't... Ernie will be right here when you get back. Now, get washed up. Now,

you heard your COT. Right about feet.

17.

Oh, Ernie, he sure took a shine to you.

Yes, he's 17. I married Bill the year you went into the Army.

That was 18 years ago.

You mean if I'd have got married at that time, I'd have a boy that age today,

wouldn't I?

kid. He showed me his report card. Straight A's. Hey, I got his picture

We've seen him. We've seen him.

Any of you flipped? You had one day left on your furlough. What did you do? You

took that kid to the ball game, to the movies, bowling. So what?

So what do you got planned for your next furlough? A father and son banquet?

All right, stop with the wisecracks, wise guys.

You know, if I'd have gotten married 18 years ago, I'd have had a boy that age

today. You married?

Dad is tired.

You better get his pipe and slippers.

Look, I'm one of both of you. Don't start grizzling me. Don't start with the

grizzly. If you can't have an intelligent conversation, don't talk to

right. That's wrong if I had a kid that age with all I know with me to guide

him. He'd be a well -beater. The president of the United States. All

right. Get some shut -eye. You're too clever for me today.

ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Hello, Americans.

Glad to see you.

As a tribute to my father, I have just legalized gambling.

Places and measurements. Plenty of time for that tonight. Come on, it's way past

lights out. We're not on a holiday. We've got a big day tomorrow.

Who's the kid? Just a kid. Did you call my wife up when you were in New York?

Yeah. What's he doing here? Oh, he's been trashing here on approval.

Here, I fixed up his papers. Just sign him and get rid of him.

My mother -in -law's still at the house. Yeah, well, look, if he's transferred

here, why do you want to get rid of him?

Serge. What? That's the one thing you can't stand.

Kids in the barracks. What's with you, Fender? Always trying to get rid of

people. Why? Me?

You're the guy that's always saying, who needs kids?

They got no money to bring mumps and measles into the barracks.

That's what this barracks needs. There's a little youth in it that you want to

know something.

Sarge, not this kid.

What do you mean?

Troublemaker. Yeah? Look at his record.

He's been in the army six months. He's been transferred 14 times.

Looks like a nice kid. I don't understand.

Sarge, 14 transfers. Look, let me handle it. I know how to handle kids.

Perkins. On a double. Yes, sir. How old are you?

18, sir.

18. Get in my office. I want to talk to you. On a double.

Is that all you've got to do around here, grin? What? What do I have?

What's with you, kid?

You've been in the army six months. You've been transferred 14 times. What,

you want a treasure hunt?

What's with you? Can't you get along with your fellow soldiers?

People just don't seem to like me.

I'm too quiet, I guess.

If only I had somebody to guide me.

Guide you?

Yeah. You see, I never had a father.

You didn't?

Someone who could be a pal.

A pal?

Oh, well.

Maybe there'll be someone at the next camp. Hey, hey, where are you going?

You're staying right here.

You mean, Sarge? Now, look, don't think I went soft on you. This is going to be

no breeze. You're going to work as hard as anybody else here. Do you understand

that? I'm appointing you barracks orderly. Now, get into the barracks and

bunk and nestle down for the night. Yes, sir. Come on. It's way past lights out.

Good night, Sarge. Good night.

Son?

Hello there.

Oh, I'm never good with kids in the back.

Where's that other picture at?

All right.

Come in.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Now what?

Well, there's no cop for me in the barracks room. No cop? Maybe you should

registered at the Waldorf Astoria.

Now, look, just because I went a little soft and I'm letting you stay here,

don't think this is a breeze, you understand? You haven't got it made.

Now, come on, look alive.

Well, as long as you're in here, you might as well settle down here. Come on,

find a place for yourself here. Thanks, Sergeant.

Here, here. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm going to make room here so I can lay down right on the floor. Lay down

on the floor. You can see you're 18 years old. You haven't got a brain in

head. On the floor, you'll catch your death of cold.

Come on, take my bun right away. But what about you, sir? What are you going

do? Do what I tell you.

I slept on a train. I won't be able to sleep tonight anyway. Come on, I'm a

double. I haven't got all my... But, sir, do as you're told.

Now, look.

You're no better than anybody else, honey. You're not going to be babies. Do

understand? Yes, sir.

Did you brush your teeth? Yes, sir.

Did you say your prayers?

Yes, sir, in the barracks. Well, congratulations. At least you thought of

something. Gee, sir, I... Now, look, I don't like kids jabbering around here.

Go to sleep.

Kids. Noisy kids. Always bothering you.

Like a kid who's asleep already.

Did you do that?

Kid's got a sense of humor. Come on. That's not funny. Yeah, it was very

Come on. Take it. You're all right.

Crazy kid.

Go on, then.

Hello?

Henshaw? Where is everybody?

They should be back from town. I don't know, Sarge. I've been working here all

day, and I've just finished up in the bed. Good boy. Now, clean the latrine.

Now, you're a good boy. Do everything nice. Nice and clean.

I'm dead.

Oh, I just do it.

I'm dead.

What? What is it?

What?

What's going on here? It's the size of my feet.

Where have you guys been?

Where have we been? We've been on a 20 -mile hike. That's where we've been. 20

-mile hike? Are you out of your mind? I didn't authorize any 20 -mile hike. Sure

you did. Right here with fulfilled equipment.

What are you talking about?

Who signed my name? Is this some kind of a crazy joke?

Hey, did I sign your name right?

Did you do this? Yeah.

Kill him! Kill him!

What's the matter with you guys? This kid's full of fun.

And you fell for it. It was fun. Yeah. So much fun you're having. Come on.

Take it in good... You bad boy.

Come on, fellas. Come on.

Take it in good spirits. He's only a kid. He's having some fun with you.

get rid of him, Si. Now, look. That's no attitude.

He's the best barracks order he ever had. Now, I'll leave it to you. Did you

ever have your bed made better than he's been making it? Now, tell the truth.

Well, we'll give him credit for that. All right. Now, go on. We have a general

inspection this afternoon. Hit the sack.

Crazy little kid.

You crazy little kid. Now, remember, no more gags.

Remember, you promised Uncle Ernie.

Now, look, there's going to be a general inspection.

I'll be there. I'm going to take a little nap. The minute the general gets

you wake me. Can I depend upon you? Don't worry, Ernie. Wait a minute.

Okay, go ahead.

Crazy little kid.

Remember, you guys, General Billings is tough. I want everyone to look GI. Watch

it. Stand up.

Stand up.

The motor pool platoon, General.

Nice looking men.

Why don't you call... Take him!

Can I

show the General around the post, sir?

No, thank you, Sergeant.

I've seen enough.

Let's get out of here.

What is it? Something funny?

Something the kid did?

What is it, Ginger? Tell me what he did. You've got to get rid of him. Get rid

of him? Are you crazy? It's the only fun we've had here since he's been out of

town.

What did he do? What did he do?

What did he do? Tell me what he did.

My little rat. Get rid of him. Get him out of here. I'll kill him. Come

on, Sergeant. Say you signed it. Signed it. You better.

Besides, it's a good thing we're getting rid of him. Look what he had in his

barracks bag.

Exploding cigars. Itching powder.

You like that little phony kid? He convinced me he was an orphan. The other

sergeants didn't understand. Hey, hey. Get a load of this. What's that? What is

that?

That's a .45.

What is it?

Wait a minute. What is it? How do you like that little cat? He's got it rigged

up. It's a water pistol.

Water pistol? It's a real .45 converted into a water pistol.

Let's get rid of this character.

So I get to get rid of him? No.

That's too good for him. That's what the other guy did. It was too easy to get

rid of him.

Likes practical jokes, huh?

We'll give him a lesson he'll never forget. What do you mean? He's going to

think he killed a man. Killed someone? Yeah. He's got a .45 and put it into a

water pistol.

I'll switch. I'll give him a .45 with blanks in it. Get him into a fight. Hey,

that sounds great.

Wait a minute. He's got to think he killed somebody. Who's he going to kill?

Why does it always have to be me? I'll look, Doberman. I'll die. I'll die. Of

course you will. And make it look good. Here's what we do.

Oh, gee, Sarge, I'm sorry about that. Don't be, Sarge. It was a funny gag.

ready to put the eye on us. He's not mad.

How do you think of all those... Hey, look.

Doberman is sleeping in my bunk.

Let's do something to him. Let's play a joke on him. How about a hot foot?

Yeah! Hey, you know another thing about Doberman? He's deadly afraid of guns.

Afraid of guns? Yeah.

I got a Regulation 45. I converted it into a water pistol. A water pistol?

Now, here's what we do. We get him mad, see? Then I pretend I lose my temper,

and then I let him have it.

Instead of a bullet, water!

Hey, that's great! I'll go get it. Wait, no, no. I'd better go and see if he's

asleep. I'll call you.

You got everything? Yes. You got the blood? Right. All right, shoot. Fine.

That's it. Fine. You got the blanks? All set, Josh. Right.

Ah!

Why don't you punch me right in the nose? Let him come. Let him come.

I'm not afraid of the fat slob. We called you a fat slob. A fat slob? Hey,

what are you pointing that gun at me for?

Shark! He snatched!

You're nuts, huh?

Shark!

Shark! Hank!

Toby!

What did you do?

You shot him! That's a real gun! That's my gun!

What do we do?

Sarge. Look at Doberman. Sarge, I'll get a doctor. Wait a minute.

Too late.

But it was only a joke.

Some joke.

Doberman's not laughing.

Look, we've got to cover for the kid. Sarge, Sarge, he's a murderer.

He deserves the chair.

I know.

Well, will that bring back the dear departed Doberman?

Listen, just the three of us know. We've got to cover for him.

I'll tell you why we do as much as I hate to. We've got to do it.

One life is better than two.

Take Doberman, put him in the rifle pits. It'll look like a rifle accident

Target practice. You understand?

Yeah. And you, be quiet.

I'll see if the coast is clear.

Come on. Nobody's seen him. Come on.

What are you taking a rifle for? In case anybody sees us, we're up at night

target practice.

Thinking all the time. Thinking.

Doc, handsh... Oh, it's you.

Anybody see a kid?

Did you get rid of Doberman?

And Rocco and Henshaw, too.

What do you mean, Rocco and Henshaw? The two shots.

The only witnesses.

Right.

You shot Rocco and Henshaw?

You couldn't. You couldn't. But after you kill one man, it's easy the next

Well, you must be nuts.

It was only a joke we were playing on you. A joke?

Well, they're not laughing, Ernie.

Hey, I'd better get up. Maybe I can help. No, no, no. You stay right here.

do you mean, stay here? They may be bleeding to death.

Ernie, please, don't.

It's so easy.

Yes, I won't do anything. Just go out there like nothing happened. Like

happened. Like nothing happened.

I'll go headshot. Like nothing happened.

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

He's crazy.

He's a psychopath.

He killed a guy. He's a psychopath. I'm not a psychopath.

What's the matter? He shot Rocco in the headshot. It was just a joke. What?

You all right? Yeah. He just shot me in the ass for laughs.

For laughs?

It was just for laughs and you fell for it.

All you think I fell, I was just ripping it.

Feel better, Sarge? I'll feel all right when I know that kid's out of here and

gone.

Well, did you put him on a train? Yes, Sarge. Did you watch him? Until it was

out of sight. Good. Now I can get some rest. I don't want any characters like

that. Go on, fellas. I want to hit the sack. All right, Sarge.

I don't know what... Hey.

What's this?

It's got a letter with it.

You know something about this? No.

From the kid.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, if I live to be a thousand years, I'll never forget the

kindness and consideration you showed me.

You're the closest thing to a father I ever had.

When my own dear daddy died, he left me this old music box.

It's the only thing of value I have, but I want you to have it.

Daddy's music box, huh?

Slash, don't open it!

What's the matter with you guys?

Now, you see?

How suspicious can you be?

Just because a kid does a couple of wrong things, you want to condemn him

everything. Hey, Sarge, that's beautiful. Look at that.

That's a rare old piece. Yeah.

How do you like that? It was his own daddy's and he wanted me to have it.

The only thing of value he had.

Fellas, you mind if I'm alone for a minute? Sure, we understand, Sarge.

How do you like a kid like that?

What happened?

The kid left him a music box that his father gave him. Oh, no.

Listen, listen, listen.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Rob Kilgallen as Perkins, Colette Lyons as

Peggy LaSalle, and Joe Silver as Harvey Metz.