All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e19 Bilko Goes To Monte Carlo

This is Ford Baxter, a small army post
in Kansas.

While the world around him sleeps, one
soldier works alone.

Above and beyond the call of duty, he
works on and on through the night.

This dedicated worker is Ernest Bilko,
Master Sergeant in the United States

Army. He is a true leader.

If he doesn't sleep, nobody on the post
sleeps.

Oh, five nights he's been at it. This
time he's going to take us good.

Oh, not this time.

Not this time.

Last night I saw his light on. I hid
your money.

Oh, good. And don't tell me where it is,
even if I ask you. Don't worry, dear.

What's he doing now?

Same thing, just figuring and figuring.

What's he up to?

He did it. I did it.

I did it. Sarge. Sarge. Now I remember.

I did it. Sarge, what is it? Boys, the
long struggle is over. The world is at

our feet. I have discovered.

Where's everybody?

Two missing.

What's he saying now? I don't know. He
stopped talking.

All right, all right, all right.

I will be in on it. I'm not interested.

Me neither. Okay.

What is it? What is it? All right, boys.

Give it your best.

Give it your strength.

For the first time in history, a system
to beat roulette has been perfected, and

this is it. Come on, let's go.

Jakes! What do you think I've been doing
in here for the past five days?

Balancing the military budget? I'm
telling you, I went over every system.

Pro and con, I looked at my ad and I
subtracted. This is it. I re -figured

checked it, re -checked it, tested it.
It never fails.

One out of every three numbers hits.

One out of every three?

You know what that means?

That means 30 to one for your money. If
you put up a dollar, you get $30. If you

put up a hundred, you get $3 ,000. $3
,000, you get $90 ,000. This I got to

All right, I expected this.

Don't mind me. Play any three numbers.

From the top, Sarge? As long as they're
three in a row. All right.

Spin it. Go ahead, number man.

Okay. 6, 33, and 9.

Nine! He did it! He did it!

I gotta get into Las Vegas, fracture
them with the sure prices before they

what happens, and out again. Because
once they get wise, I gotta show.

Here's where you come in. I'm gonna need
at least a thousand dollars.

I knew it.

Gotta have a bankroll.

I knew it.

I'll go to somebody.

I got $50. What do you have in the
morning?

Bank all the time.

Wasting in the morning. And every one of
you guys that give you... What's the

matter with you? My wife hid the money.
I'll have to kill her to get it.

I'll have to forget about you. No, no,
I'll do it. I know a good lawyer. All

right.

Ebba, where did you hide it? For the
last time, where did you hide the money?

won't tell you. Kill me, but I won't
tell you. Ebba, it's a thousand to one.

Where did you hide it? Never, never.

I hope you know what you're doing,
Corporal Fender, cashing in all your

bonds. Yes, sir, I know what I'm doing.
Thank you, sir.

I'd like to buy another $25 bond, sir.

Good, Sergeant Burch, I'll get one.

Hey, Sam, I thought you were saving that
money for your wife's next baby.

Babies? That's for poor people. Yeah,
what's up?

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

When the biggest miser on the post is
cashing in all of his savings, he's up

something. What is it? Nothing, sir. I
can't tell you. Nothing.

Sam!

Me, who kept you off KP for 17 years?
Me, you can't tell? Look, if Bilko finds

out, he'll kill me. Oh, Bilko? Bilko?

Look, now you've got to tell me, Sam.

What is it? All right, don't breathe
this to a soul.

Oh, sir.

I've changed my mind about buying that
barn.

Changed your mind?

Yes, sir, and I want to cash in all
these I've got.

Yes, sir, please, sir, I'm in a hurry.
Something just happened.

What's up? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Come on, Harry, give.

Look, now, now, don't breathe this to
her soul, see?

No. Then kill me, but I won't pay you!

I'm up for the last drive, I want it
now!

85,

95, 105.

Here's the payroll from the whole
fauteuil, gee, son.

Thanks for letting us in on it.
Remember, I'm not promising anything.

Bilko, the smartest guy in the whole
army with a surefire system.

That's all we gotta know.

It's like money in a bank.

Come on.

$300 a day.

If you can wait until tomorrow, my
mother's gonna raise money on her life

insurance. I can't. I gotta be in Las
Vegas tonight. Thanks.

Here's another $300, Sarge. My wife just
wired it. We were saving it to buy a

little ranch house.

Good boy. $300 for Fender. Put it down.
Yes, $400. Put me down.

$400 for Birch. I was saving that money
to send my son to college. You're making

a smart move. Next. I've got $36 .45 in
here, Sarge. A piggy bank. Come on,

break it open.

I can't, Sarge. I promised my mother I
wouldn't break it until I was 40. Sweet.

Sweet. I was going to take this money
and buy my mother something she's always

wanted. A newsstand. All right. Put it
down.

I got it. I got it.

Put me down for $175.

Rope it. You didn't. No.

She cracked and she told me what her
money is.

You know something? She ain't got too
much guts.

Sorry, sorry. The jeep's all set to take
you to the airport. Oh, Padgett. This

is it. How much have I got? How much?
How much?

$5 ,560.

The dream come true. A real life -size
bankroll and a sure -fire system. Now

you'll see Bilko in operation.

The Bilko you know that sick can be.
This is the real Bilko. A thousand.

Everything packed? Everything packed,
sir. You got gunny sacks to bring the

money back? They're all in there.

You got to go get a weekend pass from
the colonel. And number one, I'll tell

you. You got any friends in Las Vegas
with real estate holdings? Tell them to

dump it. Why? Because when I get
through, it's going to be a ghost city.

So you want a weekend pass?

Yes, to visit my aunt, sir. She's been
feeling poorly lately.

And somehow or other, she always gets
cheered up when I come to see her, sir.

doubt.

Where does she live? Oh, in the little
town in Nevada, sir. I'll fill it in

later, sir. Oh, I'd better do it. What's
the name of the town? Oh, uh, the

little... Las Vegas, sir. Las Vegas?
That's a big town, Sister Gamp.

Las Vegas?

So that's it.

What, sir? So that's where the money is
going. The men cashing their bonds and

making loans.

I knew you were at the bottom of this,
Bilko. Sir, you're jumping to

conclusions. I'm not jumping. I'm
already there.

But, sir... Bilko, you're not going to
Las Vegas.

Give me the promo, Marshal. But, sir,
the men are... Quiet!

Hello? Put this on the national military
wire.

Alert all military police stations. The
state of Nevada is out of bounds for

Sergeant Ernest Bilko.

Fingerprints, serial number, and picture
to follow.

But, sir, the men are... Quiet!

If he so much as puts one foot over the
Nevada state line, permission is granted

to shoot.

Sir, isn't that a little... You heard
me? That's all, Bilko.

Yes, sir.

That allowed you to go to Las Vegas.
That's un -American. That's what it is.

-American. Denying the right of an
American soldier to gamble in Las Vegas.

the cruelest thing I ever heard in my
life. Nothing we can do about it. Here,

Rocco. Give the money back. That's the
last humiliation.

Me giving money back. Sarge, isn't there
someplace else you can gamble besides

Nevada? No, that's the only place you
can gamble for these kind of stakes.

How about Monte Carlo?

Monte Carlo.

I'm a 36 -hour pass, sir. Without
orders, without passports, without

just go there, play roulette, go there
overseas, be back for Monday Reveille,

huh? Monte Carlo. No, but believe me,
you are really brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Monte Carlo.

Are you crazy on a weekend pass?

That's out of French Riviera. That's
near Europe. What am I listening to

Sergeant, you've got to go through to go
overseas?

No, but I happen to know the chief
dispatcher at the air base.

I happen to know he likes poker. He
likes to win at poker more than anything

he's liked in his life, right?

Yeah. I have a hunch tonight he's going
to win. It's me, fella.

Yeah.

Nothing, huh? Nothing?

There are jacks. What a lucky guy. This
is my night. I bet $2. Teach me. Teach

me. Well, I'm out.

I raise you $2. What are you doing? You
got nothing.

Like a queen. What are you...

Oh, I get it. I'm out.

I got that. Come on, let's break it up.
Well, that's it for me.

Well, gentlemen, it's been a pleasure,
I'm sure.

Well, you sure were lucky tonight, Bill.
I thought I'd never walk out of this

room without you.

Hey, Bill.

Yeah? I got a 36 -hour pass starting
tonight.

Oh, I get it. You want to hitch a plane
ride.

Ernie, they're cracking down on me. You
ain't got a chance.

Bill, for me?

I'll try.

Well, where to?

Topeka, Kansas City?

No, Monte Carlo.

You mean Monte Carlo in Europe? Yeah.
Are you nuts? In 36 hours, Monte Carlo?

Why, the paperwork alone would take 36
hours. Even if I could get you out of

Kansas at night, it would take a jet to
get you to the overseas terminal in time

to meet the military and transport to
Paris.

And that Paris plane. Boy, that got a
waiting list of officers alone a mile

just waiting for seats.

And that Orly Field?

Man, they got MPs so tough.

What's this?

Take any three numbers.

Any three? Anything at all.

6 -19 -27. Remember that 6 -19 -27?

Control to dispatcher. Sergeant
Henderson must hold up jet flight 74A.

planet is waiting for clearance. We're
holding up the runway.

Please stand by.

Hurry it up, will you? Now look,
Sergeant, are you going to clear me for

or aren't you? I'm sorry, sir. It's an
emergency passenger. A passenger? Yes,

sir. And besides, we're having radio
trouble on that plane of yours. Well,

it, Sergeant. I'm ready to take off.
Yes, sir.

Hurry it up. Come on, will you?

Be quiet. I hear your papers. Now get
this. You're Sergeant Elmer Peterson.

You're a jet mechanic being transferred
to McGuire Air Force Base, New Jersey.

Repeat. I'm Sergeant Elmer Peterson. I'm
a jet mechanic being transferred to

McGuire Field in New Jersey. Sergeant
Henderson, clear!

That's it for the radio picture in a
moment, sir.

All right.

You'll be in New Jersey in an hour and
55 minutes. An hour and 55 minutes.

Sarge, hurry up.

All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's this? Here's 1 ,700 bucks.

Every guy in the airbase is riding on
that system of yours. Don't you worry,

pal. You're home free. Come on, let's
go. All right, get him on board. Good

luck, Bilko.

Put the tubes back in that radio.

Bedford to dispatcher, McGuire Air Force
Base, New Jersey.

McGuire Air Base, New Jersey. Come in
Bedford, Kansas.

Look, Johnny, you're going to have a jet
coming in about an hour and 55 minutes.

There's a VIP on it that's got to make
that flight to Orly Field, Paris

I know, Ollie.

Are you kidding?

It's getting ready to take off right
now.

Look, Johnny, this guy has got to make
that Paris plane. This is a must.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll level with you.

This guy, Sergeant Bilko, has got a
system.

Okay, okay, over and out.

Port Flight TX -92 for Orly Field,
Paris.

There has been another delay.

Please stand by.

This is ridiculous.

I'm due in Paris in the morning. We've
been off two hours now. I'm sorry,

General. Engine trouble. Well, get that
plane off the ground. We're checking it,

sir. Jet 74A checking in from Bedford
Field, Kansas. We expected you over an

hour ago, sir. Well, I ran into some
engine trouble.

I had this mechanic along. He was no
help at all.

Well, reality, sir. It's Stephen
Michael, Sergeant. There's no check in

please. Name? Name. Oh, my name. I had
it on the tip of my tongue a minute ago.

Yes. Sergeant Peterson, I'm a jet
mechanic.

I'm a jet mechanic.

If I'm not the air attendant, I'm a jet
mechanic.

I'm a jet mechanic. The place is
crawling with breath, and you walk right

the general. Do you realize we've been
holding up this Paris flight over an

for you? Really? Yeah, come on, get that
armband on. What is this all about?

Yeah, now look, I want you to get this
straight. You're Sergeant Hugo Watkins,

military courier to St. Louis.

I'll see you.

I'm Sergeant Hugo Watkins, military
courier to St.

Louis. All right, now look, you'll be in
Paris in six hours.

Six hours. And watch out for those MPs
over there. They were sick as flies, and

God, that was your life. What's in here?
$2 ,200 from the boys at McGuire.

What do you mean my seat's been taken?
We just got this top priority.

Top priority?

I'm a general.

Military courier, sir, cannot be
detained.

Military courier cannot be detained.

Will you check me through? There's a
helicopter waiting to take me to confer

with Admiral Dunn. I'm sorry, sir.
Routine in French customs, you know. See

now. Military courier, stand back. Do
not delay.

Thank you.

Now, where is my staff car?

Oh, we don't know about any... You don't
know? The fate of the world is in here

and you don't know?

Sergeant, don't be a taxi.

Oh, I know.

Sergeant... Who?

Who, Sergeant? Oh, no.

I'm Sergeant...

Watkins. I mean Peterson.

I think I'm Peterson. Sergeant Watkins.
Sergeant Peterson.

Well, you see, we've got to use a lot of
names in this kind of secret place.

What's going on here? It looks like a
case of illegal entry, sir. We'll take

care of it. You've got a lot of
explaining to do.

Carlos, will you give me a break? Shut
up. I don't hear this. What?

Sergeant Raphael Coburn, our special
assignment to go to Monte Carlo to take

to prison.

Sam, Sam.

in Monte Carlo. Yeah.

There's going to be a staff car waiting
there to pick you up. Yeah. Okay, now.

Go ahead, Colby. Wait.

What's the matter?

Here. For $1 ,300 for the boys who can't
get through.

The whole army's riding on you, Bilko.
Don't let us down. Ain't got a thing to

worry about, pal. Wait. What?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

yes. Upstairs, they said there's a room
here you play for high stakes.

Yes, monsieur. This is the salon privé.
The sky is the limit. Oh, merci.

Je vous en prie.

The sky's the limit.

This is it.

The end of the rainbow.

Monte Carlo.

Wow!

Are you? Oh, yes, monsieur. You.

You see, this isn't all mine. I
represent a large syndicate.

With this system, you just watch. This
whole joint is going to blow up to me.

Excuse me while I get some chips.

Would you give me $10 ,000 worth of...
Business.

Affair Rouge Mark.

Oh, poor man.

He lost everything.

Well, you know, amateurs shouldn't play
this game. Amateurs?

That was Dr. Goodman, professor of
mathematics at Heidelberg.

I would... Heidelberg?

Aren't you going to play, monsieur?

Well, now I don't know.

You see, this is my money. The boys put
up their money. But you have a system,

monsieur. That's right, I have a system.
And it's sure fire.

Do you wish to play, monsieur?

Give me $10 ,000.

$10 ,000?

Sarge, if you lose that $300, neither do
I. I can't buy that ranch house.

Look, Sam, I didn't want...

I was going to buy my mother something
she always wanted.

A new stick.

I didn't want to give away your money. I
don't want to even... Monsieur, you are

keeping us waiting.

No. I don't think I'd better play.

You're so big. So this is what you
dreamed about.

Flicking thousands around, huh?

Pretty easy when you were talking to the
boys in the barracks. But when the

chips were down, you'd come up lame.

Get up, you poor flusher.

Let a gambler sit down.

Will you come with me? I insist.

Please follow me.

Mr.

Director, one moment please.

It is like the world has come to an end.
All right, so you lost all your money,

but that is no reason to take your life.
Take my life? As the manager of the

casino, I cannot afford the publicity of
an American soldier committing suicide.

Suicide? How much money did you bring
here?

By the time I got here, it was $10 ,000.

$10 ,000?

But you see... Here you are, Sergeant.

Please, we are here at the casino to
make money, but not at the cost of a

life.

I'm going off duty. I'm going off duty
now.

Let's have a drink to your trip back
home. Thank you. Thank you very much.

a pleasure.

Thank you. I hope you will leave now as
soon as possible. Oh, yes, of course.

This has been a remembrance to you, you
naughty boy, you.

So, goodbye.

Have a nice trip and remember as well.

What's the airport?

No, I got a Jeep right over here.
Goodbye.

Thank you very much.

Checks! Checks!

Give me thousands of dollars.

I'll show you. Here, baby, this is for
you. All right, roll out, we are

Thank you.

Oh,

monsieur, you just sent me the network.

It was just starting to operate, too.

Well, I got to get some more chips.

Wait a minute, why should I use the
boys' money?

a new floor manager over there?

Keep it going. I'll be right back.
Excuse me.

Pardon,

monsieur. Yeah, come on.

Oh, no, monsieur. The casino does not
need the life savings of an American

soldier. That's what you return home.

Remember us kindly, will you? I
certainly will. By the way, may I give

lift to the airport? Thank you. Which
way are you going? This way. Oh, my

is that way. Oh, yes. Bon voyage.

Bon voyage. Bon voyage.

Bon voyage. Bon voyage.

Bon voyage. Bon voyage.

Bon voyage.

Bon voyage.

Champagne! Champagne for everybody!

Champagne!

Well, don't worry. There's more over
there. Here. Come on.

See if that table will have some
champagne. Everybody, have a drink with

nitric. Wait a minute. Let me look at
that.

1906. That was a terrible year.

Look, I don't want any of this domestic
stuff. You got something? Got a

California wine?

Yeah. Tell you what.

See if you can find that wine back in
Kansas. We'd be a prairie dog.

It's a blue champagne. It's one of them.
See if you can find some of that. All

right. Another row, buddy. Bye. Big
water. Big water.

Big water.

Oh,

you lost again.

Well, what are you going to do? Don't
move.

Keep the wheel going. Be right back.

Having fun?

Oh, big water.

Big water. Big water.

Yes? Compliments of the manager.

We were here and might suggest that the
place to do it is right over there. Do

it? Yes, monsieur. Your body will just
drop over the parapet into the

Mediterranean. You still have the money
you came with? Yes, sir, but I was just

clouded. I didn't want to... I suggest
you go to Las Vegas and try it on them.

Perhaps it works.

Out. You shouldn't take the parachute.

Put this on the red, will you, please?

Morning, sir.

Oh, good morning, Velko. Duty rested,
sir. Now, put him there. You got a

Oh, here's some matches, sir. You can
keep them if you want. Oh, thank you.

a nice weekend.

So -so.

Now, where'd you go?

Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo?

Yes, sir.

That's a good one.

Yes, sir.

Monte Carlo.

I'll have to tell that at the officer's
club.

Joe's Diner, Monaco.

Oh, no.

Even Velko couldn't make it over the
weekend.

Ridiculous.

Or could he?

Paul Joey Roth as Sergeant Rittig, James
Little as Sergeant Grover, and

Frederick O 'Neill as Sergeant Birch.
This is Borg -9S, Lieutenant.