Original subtitles

Fine. Hey, you know, that show last night got terrific reaction.

CBS operators told me the switchboards were loaded with calls. And I got the

ratings. The ratings?

Yes, sir. How'd we do? Great.

We got a 51.

A 51.

And how about the opposition?

A two.

Listen, fellas, we've got to buckle down. Those fellas are picking up on us.

Yes, Florence?

Captain Anderson is here. Oh, send Captain Anderson in.

How about the talent for the Army show next week?

So they got... Two, huh?

Mr. Sullivan?

Hi, good morning, Captain Anderson. How are you? You know Marlo Lewis, my co

-producer. Johnny Ray, our director.

Hello, Captain. Ray Block, our musical conductor.

And now, Captain, just one question.

Have we got a good show for Sunday? Well, I hope so. Here's the list.

We have a glee club from Camp Stanley, Virginia.

Good. An acrobatic team from Fort Mills, California.

Captain, just looking through this, if there's one point I'd like to bring up.

Now, I see that most of this talent...

Comes from army camps and installations from the west coast, and then along the

east coast and down in the south. Could we get something right out of the center

of the country? Around Kansas, huh? Yeah. Well, there is a camp there, Fort

Baxter, but it was pretty barren. Well, if we could just get something. You see,

we like to... Say that.

Yeah? We're planning a finale built around a jeep. Maybe you could get

from Fort Baxter to drive it.

That's a wonderful idea, Captain.

Fine, I'll get the motor pool, Sergeant. I'll send him a wire. That would do it.

Well, thank you. Everybody else will be here this afternoon. It'll be so nice to

see you all again. Thank you, Captain.

Gee, it looks like another great show.

You said it, and why do you hear that quiet?

Yeah, but they got two.

Here he comes, back from the post office again.

How does he look?

Well, dancing he ain't.

You know, if he don't hear from the Sullivan show by today, he's never going

hear. Take my word, he's never going to hear.

I don't get it.

A guy as smart as Ernie really gets it into his head he's a great singer. Is

that something?

If I hear Granada once more, I'm going to desire it.

Are you kidding? Every morning he's got the dough packing his bag, ready to go

to New York.

Every afternoon after the mail, the dough bath's done packed.

All right, come on, you guys, pick it up. Here he comes. Don't stay here.

All right, fellas. Hi, Si.

I was passing by the post office. I thought I'd stop and get the mail.

some letters for you, Rock.

This is a couple for you, Hensher. Thanks, Ernie. I guess I'll go over

duty rosters. You look at them.

Tiny.

Was there any mail for you? Oh, just something from the finance company. They

found me again.

I'll blind them with footwork. Don't worry about it.

Sarge, I mean... Well, you know... What, what, what, what? Well, you know... Ed

Sullivan.

You gonna bring that up again?

Let's not get ridiculous. Let's look alive.

I mean, how silly could I have gotten?

What were they all in love with me? That's right.

Am I a singer?

You heard my audition. Did you ever get anything so funny?

I sang one note. The captain said, thank you. Wasn't that funny?

I wish I was dead.

Don't make it so hard, Sarge. Pull yourself together, Ernie.

I'm sorry, fellas, for talking about the fun.

That's understandable.

They just don't appreciate a great voice. Sarge, that captain never gave

chance. Yes, he did.

Gave me the biggest chance of my life.

A chance to see myself as I really am. A big, loud -mouthed, no -talent who

thinks he's better than anybody else. Oh, Sarge, you're all upset. Sure I'm

upset. But I think of what you guys have been putting up with me all these

years. And you can forget that.

It's going to be different around here from now on.

This is not going to be a sergeant and two corporals. No, siree.

This is going to be three pals.

Si, Sarge.

Pals. Boys, help me find myself.

What are you doing, Doberman?

I'm packing your bag, Sarge.

Why? Why?

Yes, why? Tell me why one human being should unpack a bag for another human

being. Sarge, what did I do?

You know what I mean? You make me cry.

These are the little people I've been pushing around.

Sarge, if you'd only tell me what I did wrong.

Nothing, nothing.

But, Sarge, I got your washout on the line, your ties need pressing, and your

socks are soaking.

What have I done?

I've taken an American soldier and turned him into a wash woman.

I don't mind, Sarge. If you could only give me someone to help with the

Don't worry about it. Sit down, Dwayne. From now on, things are going to... Sit

down. You have a rip and you're caught. I'll sew it. No, I can do it. Oh, I'll

do it. Get me a needle and thread.

Get me some cookies for Dwayne. Right, Sarge. Sit down, baby. Sit down.

Your chair?

What do you mean, my chair? It's as much your chair as it is mine. Sit down.

Things are going to be different. Here's some cookies.

Get him a pillow. Make him come.

A needle and thread?

Thank you very much.

I'll have to speak to him later.

Go on, baby. Eat your cookies. You baked them.

Sarge. What is it? Now, don't start. You'll have me gone again.

Sarge, you're so good to me. It's not half as good as I intend to be to you.

I've got to make up a lot for you, you comfy.

Eat your cookies. Go on, eat.

Eat and enjoy.

Everything all right?

Is there anything I can do for you?

Just one thing, Sarge. You name it, Dwayne.

Sing to me.

In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty,

it was there that I met a sweet Molly Maroon.

She wheeled a wheelbarrow, if these dreams were at all.

What is this, King for a Day?

I don't blame you for... Good heavens, Fender, what are you doing? A man your

age carrying things around.

I'll handle that.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing. I'm just going to give you one last command, and it's the last command

I'm going to... Lie down.

Rest. Lie down, old soldier. You've earned it.

Bless your heart.

Lie. You've worked hard enough for me and for everybody else. Just relax.

Paparelli, I'm not tired. No, no.

You don't understand.

It just occurred to me, when's the last time you saw your folks? Last month.

Well, you're going to see them again.

I am? And real soon. Here, take my photo. I won't need it now.

Sarge! No, I want you to have it. I ask for one thing.

When you get home, wire me, so I know you got home safe.

Sarge, I'll write every day.

Now, where were we? There he is. Fast asleep.

Old warrior pendant.

Bless his heart. Sleep fender.

Sleep.

Eat. Eat, old faithful, eat.

I'd forgotten what it was like to be a G .I., just a normal human being.

Just a face in the crowd.

Telegram for Sergeant Bilko. Yes, of course.

Wait a minute, here you are.

What is it, Sarge?

I don't know.

You have been chosen to appear on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Report at once to New York. Sarge, you made it! You made it!

Was there ever any doubt?

I'm not back, and you're stuffing your fat face.

Where is it? Where's my jeep?

Send it. Send it.

Why don't you stay awake and not get the jeep out of the window? The window. The

window. I told you. I told you.

Over hill, over dale, we will hit the street trail as the case on...

loud, a little soft, and my orchestra has to be heard. I've got relatives

listening, too.

Listen, UGIs, don't mind what the maestro says, because anything that can

out his music is fine for the show.

Ray, how's the music?

Almost ready. Sid, will you finish that arrangement, please? Yes, Mr. Block.

Well, I'll tell you what to do, Johnny.

Suppose you take over, because Marlowe and I are going to be working on next

week's show. Excuse me, Ed, but I'm continually amazed.

At what?

Well, I thought we had teamwork in the Army, but the way this show is organized

is miraculous.

Well, thank you, Captain. You know, it's been suggested the reason we've stayed

nine years on the air is because this is a well -oiled team.

Actually, it goes deeper than that. This whole thing is based on friendship.

I was telling Eddie Brinkman, our stage manager, this morning, I don't think

we've had a crossword in nine years. That's right. Well, I've never seen a

happier team.

Well, actually, it'd have to be that way because, you know...

One monkey wrench in our operation, and boom, the show goes right out the

window. Just one monkey wrench.

I'm here! I'm here!

Why wasn't anybody to meet me at the plane? Oh, cut, cut, cut. That number's

out. You'll be at my number, Granada. You are not... Yes, but isn't anything

arranged? What's no organist? Where's Ed?

Ed! Where's Ed?

Ed, where is he? Ed? Ed, don't... Oh, good heavens, he must be at the airport

waiting for me. Here, here's the guy. I want you to call him. Tell him Dilko is

here. He'll understand. Dilko? I'm a high elf!

Now we have to... Where's the other fellow?

Well, just don't stand there. You see a sergeant holding a bag. Look at that.

And a high hand.

Cut, cut, cut.

That number is out.

Get up in Granada with the peel and show you all the Greco stuff. I'll show you

what we do later. You work on my number.

Over hill, over dale, people hit the... What's the matter? This number is out.

Number is out? Yes.

It's not Granada.

Granada? Granada's not on the program.

Oh, good heavens. Another typical Ed Sullivan mess.

Thank heavens I thought I'd bring my own arrangement. Pass it out to the boys.

In the middle part, you'll notice how I see I may have to be governed.

What is it, Corporal?

Yes, Sergeant.

All right, you got your parts?

And... What

is this?

What's going on?

Well, if you see this number, I'm working with the boys. They gave me some

to sing with, but I'm working. They're going to be all right.

And...

What is it?

This isn't the number they're supposed to say. Well, they had some silly

number rehearse with a mishmash arrangement. I thought this would give

spot. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

I'm the arranger.

The arranger?

Don't tell me I'm face to face with the great, uh... Uh, Sidney Milnick. Sidney

Milnick. Why, it's like saying hello to the great Beethoven. Oh, please.

Oh, no, don't say oh, please. Don't be modest.

Back in Kansas, you know what we call the show?

Milnick time.

Well, I don't think we have time to make changes. You see, Mr. Block wouldn't

permit the... Mr. Block, Block, Block, what Block? Our conductor, Mr. Ray

Oh, yes, Ray Block, the parasite. We refer to him in the musical world as the

parasite. Now,

what is your problem? Yes, well, he's a very fine... Fine what?

Why does he do that so fine? He stands in front of an orchestra, waves his

Any sailor can do the same thing and send messages at the same time.

Here's what I want. I never quite thought of it. No, no, here's the way

look at it.

Take away Milnick, the heart of the Ray Block Orchestra.

What have you got?

Twenty men and a stick. Isn't that so?

I thought, now in this Granada number, just a suggestion, some fiddles.

Nice. You know, the Milnick touch.

The Milnick touch?

Oh, but what's the use of us talking? Ray Block will never hold still for

Why not? Why not? Isn't it obvious? People start asking who makes those

arrangements. The name Milnick will torture him. Milnick, Milnick. He don't

that. Oh, he won't, eh? Give me that music.

Let him try to refuse.

Go get him, Sidney boy, I swear.

Hold that. Hold that. Why are you doing my notes?

You have a part here.

Read your part.

Please. Dance.

What are we rehearsing in an entrance to an alley? What is it?

A Spanish song?

Well, of course it's a... No, it's a Hungarian polka.

Of course. What's a Spanish song doing on an army show? Well, I thought it

be a special treat for the Ed Sullivan fans instead of those draft numbers this

idiot director keeps giving him. You understand? Why am I telling this to

I'm John Ray.

He's John Ray. The director.

Sergeant,

you're crying.

You must excuse me.

How often am I face to face with genius?

Oh, come now, Sergeant. No, I can see it now. I see that brain of yours twirling

around, the imaginative mind. I see it going.

Gypsy girls, caskets, a Spanish street scene.

But Sullivan wants to do an army show.

Well, of course he does. I can understand why, too. Give you half a

put on production, you know what would happen.

How long are you going to have your hands tied?

My hands tied? Yes, what else could you call it? Your hands tied.

Here you come up with a brilliant idea for production. What do you want me to

do? Some silly drill number, I suppose?

Don't you see his thinking?

Don't you see it?

Don't let Hollywood see what John Ray can do. It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, I can see your brain going.

Your brain is going a mile a minute, isn't it? Oh, Spanish numbers.

Castanets. Bullfighters in the background. And a real bull.

Do you hear a genius working? Just like that. A real bull.

Thank you very much, but just forget it. Mr. Sullivan will never allow it.

What's Sullivan got to say about it? There's going to be changes. You tell

John.

We must be rehearsing in an empty lot. Who is Sergeant Bilko? I am Sergeant

Bilko. Why did you tell my arranger he took a swing at me?

You must be Ray Block. I am? Well, how was I to know? I mean, I... It doesn't

seem... Would you turn around, please? Turn around? Yes, so I can see the back

of your head.

Well, of course. Now I recognize you.

And it's very obvious, too, why we only see the back of your head on the

program. Your face has a little too much warmth, a little too much charm to suit

Mr. Sullivan. He can't compete with it, can he? My face? Yes, I can think of

another conductor whose face we never saw. His back was always to the camera.

And one day he turned toward the camera.

Lawrence Welk.

This is the song that he made his first hit with.

Renato, I have the very same arrangement right here.

Oh, I couldn't do that now. It's too late to do that. Mr. Sullivan wouldn't

allow it. Excuse me, would you say that again, please? I couldn't do it at this

time. No, I mean the last part. Mr.

Sullivan wouldn't allow it. Good heavens, if I didn't hear it with my own

I never would have believed it.

Mr. Sullivan won't allow it indeed. You know what we call this show back in

Kansas? No.

Ray Blott Festival Time.

Ray Blott Festival Time. Well, of course. The show is 99 % music, isn't

Who handles that music?

I do. Of course. What does Mr. Sullivan do? He announces the numbers. He's just

an announcer. Oh, come now. He's more than an announcer. Well, perhaps I

one or two of the show. Why, does he sing a few songs once in a while?

No. Is he funny? Does he tell a joke?

No. Or perhaps I've missed him. He's a dancer. He's a hooper.

Oh, no. Well, why does he do?

Well, I guess Granada is out now. Give me that music. Where's Don Granada? Oh,

no. Wait a second. Mr. Sullivan will never stand for that.

No announcer's going to tell me what to do.

free Spanish costumes.

No, I didn't order any.

No.

Johnny Ray couldn't have ordered them. We're doing an army show next week.

How do you like that? Spanish costumes yet?

Say, Ed, do you want me to see if David Niven's in New York? Oh, he'd be

wonderful. He'd be wonderful.

Johnny, some crackpot just called up and said you wanted Spanish costumes. I

told him it was a mistake.

I didn't make a mistake. I made the mistake nine years ago when I went to

for you. What's the matter with you? You know what's the matter with me. Trying

to hold me down. Trying to keep Hollywood from finding out what I could

Vilco was right. Vilco?

For nine years. But Vilco opened my eyes.

Johnny.

What's wrong with him? I don't know, Ed. Would you check right away, please? I

certainly will.

That's astounding.

Hi, Ray. Have you seen Johnny?

He seems to be awfully sore about something.

Take him. Take a good look at this face.

Face?

You've seen a lot of it, haven't you? Naturally.

Well, nobody else has.

For nine years on this show, all I've seen is the back of my head.

Is everybody in this place going crazy? Not crazy, just stupid. Bilko was right.

Now, Ray, baby. Don't Ray, baby me, you nonsense.

Did you find out what's wrong?

Yes, I found out. Nine years too late. Tomorrow night. Not you.

Don't, Milo, me, you parasite, living off of my talent for nine years.

Bilko was right.

Bilko, I'd better go down there and find out myself.

Bilko.

A new CBS vice president. I'll take care of him.

You promised me real fruit.

I'm sorry, Ernie. Now, please, watch that, will you, please?

You're supposed

to come in on the exact beat. Johnny, if you can do it.

Give me one more chance, Ernie. Watch it, Johnny, baby. All right, Ernie. All

right.

You're not... Oh, really, Ray?

I don't want that. Just give me some support.

Hold it. Hold it, buddy. This is a private rehearsal.

What are you

doing here? Wait, hold it. Now, just a minute. It's a close... Marlowe, no

relatives, please.

No, I'm on the show. Oh, are you? Oh, you must be that gypsy knife thrower we

had. You kept party people waiting your age and said you had your own knives.

I wish I had them with me.

Marlowe, troublemaker.

Troublemaker.

So you must be Bilko. Well, of course. And you?

I'm Ed Sullivan.

What did I do? What did I say?

It's not what you said. It's the way you said it. There you are. The idol of all

America. The number one television star.

takes time out to talk to a lowly soldier and very humbly say, I'm Ed

Thank you.

Sergeant, you've really taken over, haven't you? Take me take over from the

great Ziegfeld? I mean the great Sullivan. I'm always making that

Now, watch that, Sergeant. Look at him standing there. There he is, Mr. Sunday

Night. The star maker. What am I, a lump of clay? That's all. Take me. Mold me.

Mold me. Later, when we go outside.

Now, what goes on here? I don't know what. We're just doing... Now, look,

mean Ed.

Quiet! Yes, all right.

Marlowe! Johnny Ray!

I don't want a Spanish number on the show.

It's going away. I don't want it. I don't want it.

idea. Now I want you to hear mine. Quiet on the set. This is a television face.

Sullivan has an idea. Listen.

Now in the first place.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You are about to see a very colorful and

exciting survey show. Unfortunately, we had to postpone the Army show because I

ran into a little trouble.

But I've air expressed the trouble back to the state of Kansas.

Tonight, tonight here is a... tribute to another great branch of the services,

the United States Navy. So let me hear it here.

funny on