Original subtitles

Purple.

Gentlemen,

the

regular meeting of the Company B Third Platoon Benevolent Association is now in

session.

Private Kodosky, our recording secretary, will read the minutes of the

meeting. Private Kodosky.

The meeting was called to order by the chairman, Sergeant Bilko.

The treasurer's report was read by the treasurer, Private Doberman, who, under

severe questioning, revealed the fact that Sergeant Bilko, without authority,

had appropriated $100 from a platoon treasury.

When order was restored, Sergeant Bilko promised to give an accounting of what

happened to the $100 at the next meeting.

Thank you. Do I hear a motion for adjournment? Motion to adjourn.

What is this?

Are we being conducted by mob rule?

May I remind you, gentlemen, this is a democratic meeting conducted under

parliamentary rules of order.

Now, you'll all have your say, but I insist we maintain order.

Now, let's do this in an orderly fashion. Any old business to discuss?

If you want the chair to recognize you, ask for recognition by raising your

hand. Mr. Chairman. Who's that?

Loosby, I hear a voice. Oh, yes. Private Pasquale, the chair recognizes you.

Now, isn't this a more orderly way of doing things? Yes.

What happened to the $100?

You're out of order. What do you mean out of order?

That's new business. We were discussing old business.

Oh. Well, don't feel bad. How else would you know parliamentary procedure if I

didn't have to mildly chastise you? You understand. Now, anything old to

discuss?

Anything new?

Mr. Chairman. I hear a voice. Now, who is that asking for?

Father Paparelli, the chair recognizes you. What happened to the $100?

You're out of order. That's old business. What do you mean, old

business. You brought it up. You're in new business, did you? Yes. Well, it's

old business now.

No,

Hank. I don't want this rabble -rousing.

Take a vote. I'll resign as chairman.

Take a vote. Go on. All right.

All those in favor of adjournment say aye.

All those opposed say no. No.

The meeting is adjourned. It was a lovely meeting. I thought it went very

What do you mean?

Josh, what happened to the $100? Please, you should have brought that up during

the meeting.

Never mind that razzle -dazzle. Yeah, give it to us straight. Josh, we had

in the treasury. We only got $300 now. What happened to the $100? What happened

to the $100?

Anything can happen to $100.

Well, let's pinpoint it. What happened to this $100? Oh, you mean this $100?

Yes. Well, let me... Well, it's a long story. You see, it all started... How

it end?

The horse lost.

Oh!

He did it again. Look, fellas, please. It was the hundreds of wonderwood that

meant $10 ,000 for the platoon. How long do you want to go on being just poor

slobs? We've still got $300 in the treasury.

Say, we have $300.

Eureka will merge with U .S. Steel.

Jerk. What are you with $300? A bunch of poor slobs who last week had $400.

Oh, come on. And you're not getting any more of it. Stay away from him,

Doberman. The dumb trash were letting him talk out of $100.

Look, he came to me with a... Just a moment. You answer to nobody.

I won't have this man penalized just for having paid.

and confidence in his leader. This confidence cost us a hundred clans.

have no more whining. I won't have it. This is a man with integrity, and don't

think to my dying day I won't appreciate your confidence. And let me assure you,

Doberman, every penny of that hundred dollars will be returned to you.

Every penny? Yes, and here's one to start with.

You know what I'll say to them at the next meeting? I'll say, here's your

hundred dollars, and I'll throw it right in their face. I'll say, here's your

pound of flesh.

But when one of my schemes hit, I'll tell them, don't come crowding around my

Jaguar whining.

Sarge, I'll be in on it with you. No, sir. I'll tell them, don't come paddling

out to my yacht screaming, remember us, Sarge.

How's that sound? Good, Sarge. That's a great idea, Sarge. Where are you going

to get the $100 to throw in their face?

Detail. Detail.

I'll run a dance.

That mumbo band is looking for you from the last dance.

Detail. Still details. What do I need? A measly $100? I'll do what any other

American businessman does.

I'll go to the bank and borrow it. They know me there. They certainly do. As

soon as you walk in, the alarm goes off.

Oh, heavens to boobity -boo. We are funny today, aren't we? Why don't you

it's under -constructive? There must be many opportunities for industrious young

men. Look in the magazine.

Hey, you're right, Sarge. Look at these ads.

Tired of your dull, dreary, everyday job? Learn meat cutting.

Not for me. I look terrible in a straw hat.

Opportunity and adventure be a tree surgeon.

Oh, stop knocking. Those are no good. You've got to have money to invest or

you've got to learn a trade. Not this one. No experience necessary. No capital

needed. No capital needed. That's for us. Laugh at financial worries. See?

If you look around, you'll find things.

Laugh at financial worries.

Join the United States Army.

Mrs.

E .J. Perkins of Little Falls, Iowa says, I made $5 ,000 in my backyard.

$5 ,000 in a backyard?

Sarge, she raised me.

Oh, me.

Yeah, listen. My husband laughed at me when I asked him for $300 to buy a pair

of breeding mink. Today, he's working for me. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah,

Let me sell you a pair of mink so you too can reap a fortune. Hey, Sarge.

What are you looking at?

Our backyard.

Our backyard?

Yes. How many acres on Fort Baxter?

2 ,500.

2 ,500.

Sarge, you're not thinking... Why not?

Look what she did in the backyard. Do you imagine what we'd do with the space

got? We're going to raise mink at an army post? Why didn't I think of this

before? Well, it's just... Do you know what's going on in the civilian world?

They're mink mad.

I'm telling you, mad.

You think we're on the gold standard? No, sorry, boy. We're on the mink

standard. The mink standard? Yes. Look, what does every woman want more than

anything in the world? A mink. What does a man want? A woman.

How does a man get a woman? With a mink.

Sarge, how are we going to raise them?

Raise them? They raise them... What does every mink want more than anything in

the world? A mink.

The same.

Sarge. How are we going to compete with those big mink farms?

Compete? They'll be competing with us. We got free land. We get free food from

the mess hall. We got free labor with our platoon.

They may stage a little slavery vote, but it's a clear profit.

Where are you going to get the $300 to buy a pair of mink?

Oh.

Open it on the double. Look at that. Hey, open it.

You're not going to get the $300. I'm going to make those jerks rich in spite

themselves. Take a letter.

I want the ones in Perkins. This is E .G. Perkins, Little Falls, Idaho.

Here, madam, please enclose $300 for a pair of breeding mink as stated in your

ad. Come in.

Announce. Did you call me, Sarge? Come in, Doberman, come in.

But, Sarge, the fellas told me not to. The fellas?

I don't want the fellas. I want you. Come in. Close the door. Come in.

Come in.

Come, come.

What do you want, Sarge? I can't hear you.

What do you want it, Sarge?

You know.

No. I won't do it. Oh, yes, you will.

Not one cent.

You talked me out of a hundred the last time. You're all right, baby. But this

time I'm wise. You're all the time going to be being wrong. You have pushed me

just so far.

The fellas trusted me with that money. They told me you were going to talk me

out of it. No, no, boy, I can do it for you. But this time it won't work.

You're up against a stone wall.

You hear?

A stone wall.

And that?

The whole 300?

That's what I like, a man with initiative. Has a decision to make, and

it. Doberman.

Yes, sir, boys. You can keep your college bread, yes, men. Give me

that old Yankee know -how.

Know how to mail a letter? Yes, sir. Mail it.

Sarge. What?

What is it this time?

We're going to have a mink farm.

A mink farm!

Will you let me worry about it?

Sarge, you...

No, they won't. You'll be a hero. Let me handle them. Say nothing to them. I'll

do it. I don't know.

Mail a letter, little financier. Attaboy.

Boys, we're home. Sarge, the motor platoon's here now. How are you going to

them into any idea of yours? An idea of mine?

I'm going to let them talk me into their idea.

Look, if they want to start a mink farm, I can't stop them.

What is this? Come on, come on. Move. Let's work around here.

Sarge, what did you do to Doberman today? He walked out of here whimpering

he'd just been whipped. Now, believe me, he should have been whipped.

Coming in there with that stupid idea of his what to do with the $300.

What was his idea, to give it to you?

No. Well, what was his idea?

Well, why embarrass him? What was it?

All right, but laugh now, but don't laugh in front of him.

I love him. I mean, he's a little funny.

He means well.

Don't make fun of him.

You know what he wanted to do with the $300?

He wanted a cake.

He wanted a cake. It's $300.

Buy a pair of breeding mink. It's not a mink.

Just because we've got 2 ,500 acres, we get free food.

What is this? What's that?

It's not such a crazy idea.

Oh, come now.

Sarge, just because you didn't think of it doesn't make it a bad idea. Fellas,

are you out of your mind? You've got to have space to raise me. We've got 2 ,500

acres. Yeah, what about food? We can get those scraps from the mess hole.

Fellas, we've got to have labor taken care of. We'll take care of it.

Fellas, am I the only sane member here? With two mink, you're going to do all

these things? In a few months, you've got 12.

Yeah, and in a year, you've got 1 ,000. 1 ,000 mink.

200 mink, coach. And we can sell them for 3 ,000 apiece. Wow, that's $600

And it only cost us... Three hundred dollars.

We're in the mink pit.

Am I the only sane member in this group? And may I remind you, I have some money

invested. Let's take it to a vote. All those in favor of mink, say aye. Aye.

All right, fellas.

We're in the mink pit.

Make it a corporation.

I got it. I got the name.

Mink Inc.

The only mean born and bred under government supervision.

No other fur industry can make this claim.

Emergency meeting. Emergency meeting. Come in.

Now, this carburetor... The guard's there? Check. All right. Now, look.

Just got word.

Rocco and Henshaw are at the railroad depot. They'll be here any minute.

You mean they're coming with the... Listen very carefully. I don't want that

word mentioned around here.

M -I -N -K is taboo. You don't say that word.

If they find out where we're up to, you know what can happen.

Our guests are to be referred to from now on as Mr. and Mrs.

Cavanaugh. Now, who are we expecting?

Mr. and Mrs.

Cavanaugh. Right.

The minx.

Now, I'm warning you, if any of you guys make this mistake, you wipe that word

out of your mind. Wipe it out of your mind like you wiped out other words, you

know, like work, soap, bathing, duty.

Wipe it out.

Now, who are we expecting?

Mr. and Mrs.

Cavanaugh.

Hey, they're cute.

From these they make coats?

Jack, why do you expect them to come with buttons and sleeves?

Here it is, men, the foundation of our fortune.

Hey, Sarge, here's some pamphlets that came with them. Read, read up on

everything. And?

Dillingham, how about food?

Right here, Sarge.

They would come when we have chipped beef on toast.

Well, if it's good enough for us, it's good enough for them.

Eat, you little rascals, you little money -makers, eat.

What's wrong with it? Sarge, you're not touching it.

They're smarter than us already.

Eat, eat. Come on, this is the army. You're not a Tootshaws.

You'll be a Tootshaws someday, but you'll be on the back of a debutante.

Eat, eat. All right, they won't touch it.

What's wrong with them? They're not eating the gift.

Read it.

In captivity, meat flourish on a diet of ground fish, tripe, chicken heads...

Hey, that sounds good. Oh, shut up.

Don't say it. Just write it out so I can get it over to our company cook.

What's wrong with them? They're not even... Look, we've got a big schedule

you, Miss and Mrs. Cavanaugh. We want a thousand Cavanaughs in a year. Come on,

now. Let's... Why are they separated? What's wrong? Sergeant, there's a door

between them. Get it open.

Come on, you little lovebirds.

Mingle. Mingle.

Don't crowd around them. Give me that list. I'll get it over to the Miss,

Sergeant. From now on, this is called Lover's Lane.

Get friendly.

Friendly.

I met Sergeant Ritzig, the Picasso of the pots and pans.

What do you want, Bilko?

Why do you always say want?

Does it ever occur to you I may be in here to give?

No.

Come on, what is it, Bilko? I'm busy. I saw your wife downtown today.

Lucky you.

Yeah, she was standing in front of a fur shop, gazing plaintively at the mink

coats. Why not? She looks at mink coats. I look at Marilyn Monroe.

We both got the same chance.

No, sir, I happen to have inside information.

Somebody's going to give your wife a mink coat.

My wife?

Yes, sir, your wife.

You got the wrong woman.

No, no, no, your wife.

Who's going to give my wife with the curlers, with the things? Your wife is

going to get a mink coat.

Just a minute. Some guy is going to give my wife a mink coat? Yes, sir.

Now, tell me who it is. Now, I'm not jealous. I'm curious.

Well, I'll tell you. I'm going to give your wife a mink coat. You? Me, and I'll

put it in writing.

A mink coat? Yes, and it won't cost you anything.

For free? For free, except for one thing.

I knew it. Don't be a jerk.

Now, this is practically no risk.

I knew it. Now, listen to me. All you got to do once a day for a year is cook

this recipe.

No questions asked.

And my wife... It's a mean cook.

Here it is.

Ground fish, tripe, mineral oil.

Don't say it. Just cook it.

Chicken heads, splead, livers.

Must be Doberman's birthday.

Nothing. Fellas, I think we're stuck with a pair of brothers.

Oh, no.

Michael, what does it say in the pamphlet?

Well, there's nothing in the index on the love.

Look on the breeding.

Oh, here. The mating season for mink occurs principally during March and

through spring.

Spring, and here we are in November.

You mean we gotta wait till spring?

I gotta hunch spring will come a little early this year. What do you mean,

Sarge?

Not in front of them.

We've got to make them think it's spring.

Here's what I want. I want bird calls.

I want greenery. I want flowers. I want an Easter egg roll. I want... Well,

fellas, what do you say we cut out for a while?

So long, everybody.

My, the weather is turning warmer, isn't it?

Hey, tell Bilko his stuff is ready in the kitchen. Find him, tell him to get

of here.

Listen, see, I lost six KPs just making this stuff.

Well, this is our kitchen.

Head shut.

At ease. General Parker just dropped in for an inspection.

I knew it.

No food is served to my men unless I taste it first.

I knew it.

Lay low.

Yes, sir.

Good? Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

What is it, General?

Nothing. Nothing.

Have you seen our infirmary?

No.

Follow me, General.

I do it.

This spring, this spring, the love is seasoned.

When fire and passion know no reason. When up and blossoms fill the air and a

lover's heart is beat from care.

To spring.

To spring.

To cut.

To hopeless.

Now look, you two, what do you want? It's spring. It's been spring for three

weeks now.

I played you Jackie Gleason's album of music for lovers only. I've read your

poems. I sprayed Mrs. Cavanaugh with 12 different kinds of perfume.

It's so romantic around here, three of the platoon got engaged.

Come on!

Get friendly.

Nod to each other. Sarge, why don't you take it easy? Take it easy. These two

anti -social beasts are costing us a fortune.

Look, this is Kavanaugh. Right. Wingman, get up. Show him a leg. Do something.

And you, Mr.

Kavanaugh, face it. You're only a mink. You're not going to do any better.

Oh, God, give up.

Sarge, you may have fooled three of the platoon, but you're not fooling them.

They know it ain't spring.

I guess you're right. We've got to have patience. We've got to wait till it's

spring. Come on, let's get out of here.

Look, boys, we've got to have patience. That's what it says in every book on

mink raising.

Patience and chicken head. But, Sarge, it's been a month already.

So what?

You saw what happened to that lady, didn't you? Did she give up?

She had two minks. In her own backyard, she made $5 ,000.

They must have dug down and struck oil for her.

No, they didn't. They did what all minks do for their owners. Made a

millionaire. Sarge! Sarge!

Mrs. Cavanaugh! What about Mrs. Cavanaugh? She's just lying down making

noises. This may be it. This may be our way of asking for pickles and ice cream.

Boys, I think spring has sprung.

There's the little mother.

Look.

Thunder, you have seven children. Does your wife make these kind of noises?

you got a sick big day.

Yeah? Hey, fellas, we gotta get a doctor. Sergeant, you nuts, you can't

vet on this post. How about our medical officer, Captain Stiles?

That's a brilliant idea. All we gotta do is go to an officer with a mink.

That's like knocking on a guardhouse if they let us in.

Sarge, she's going fast. Hey,

Captain Stiles, not too bad an idea.

What do you mean?

What do we mean? I think we've got to get somebody there with the same

as the mink. And he'll prescribe something and we'll give it to the mink.

Sarge, that's crazy. No, it isn't at all. All we've got to do is have a guy

emulate everything she's doing. Now, the noises and everything, whatever

medicine he prescribes for this fella, we give to him.

Let me think.

Who in this platoon looks most like a mink?

It's an emergency.

Wilco, what is it? Captain, sir, it's an opening. Bring him in, boys. Bring him

in, boys.

Wilco.

We don't know what happened. I was in the morgue. Suddenly he collapsed. We

thought it was a head call until he started making these strange noises.

These noises.

Sir, could you prescribe something for him?

anything very serious?

Oh, his heart, lungs, pulse, everything's normal. It's just that...

Well, it's so fantastic, I hesitate even to mention it. Oh, you can tell us,

sir. We're all men, sir. I've had experience with this before.

Yes, sir? Yes, but never in a human being.

Really, sir? In medical school, we had occasion to work on animals. Animals,

sir? We were conducting experiments with mink. Mink?

Doberman's symptoms are exactly the same as those found in a variconous mink.

Variconous mink, sir? No, that's a non -breathing mink.

All right, get Doberman out of here.

Doberman, please, let me bake it.

Doberman, face it. You won't be a father. There are other things in life.

I can't believe it.

Sir, the men were so interested in what you had to say about mink. I mean, these

varicornis minks, are they utterly worthless?

Oh, no, they're killed. Their pelts bring as high as $75 a piece.

Oh, they do, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

How are they killed, sir?

Well, so their coats aren't harmed. They're usually gassed.

Gassed? Yes, in an airtight chamber.

Oh, you mean like our gas mask drill?

It's the same principle.

Oh, I see. Thank you very much, sir.

Sir,

is it painless?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Thank you very much, sir.

We are gathered here to say goodbye to our friends the Cavanaughs.

Although they've been with us a short time, we've grown to love them.

Oh, come on, let's get it over with. Come on, Rocco, turn on the gas. Not me.

And so go on. Not me.

Paparelli. What?

Paparelli, that's an order. Turn on the gas.

It's you. I knew you were going to kill these little brats.

Nobody's going to kill them. There must be another way. But there is no other

way. Wait a minute.

Where's that air?

Mrs. Perkins, look at that. Look at that honest face.

We'll send them back to her, and she'll send us another pair.

That's a great idea.

Sorry, little friends. You're going back home. Hello.

Hello. Are you sure the colonel's off the post? Yes, Sergeant.

Hello. Hello, Mrs. Perkins. This is Sergeant Bilger. You may remember you

me a pair of breeding mink.

Well, they didn't.

I thought, Mrs. Perkins, you're doing an honest business. We can send these pair

back to you and send us another pair.

What?

Is this the only pair you have?

The only pair you ever had?

Well, what are we going to do?

I mean, it isn't... I see.

Oh, I see. Well, thank you very much.

What are we going to do? Just what she did. Take out a nap.

Yes.

I made $5 ,000 in my backyard, says Sergeant Bilko. And then put a picture

me. Get one of my old pictures before I was drafted. You know, with the honest

faces, with the dimples showing.

You two can make a fortune. Add that to it.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig and John Driggs

Captain Stiles.

Coming next here at Comedy Central is McHale's Navy starring Ernest Borgnine.