Original subtitles

Bernard? Nope.

Bilko? Nope.

Billings? Wait a minute. Billings? Is that Wilbur J. Billings? Yes, sir, it

Oh, that's our man. Yep.

We'll have to call him in.

He's deduction happy.

Send him form 308. Yes, sir, I'll get one.

Elliot, investigation.

Billings? Check.

I'll bring it right in, sir. Right.

Anna, come back to the chief's office.

Yes, Mr. Elliot.

Oh, look, honey, will you send out a 308 form for me? Who to?

Oh, it's right here on top. And look, you better send it right away.

Bill Cole.

Ernest.

Gentlemen, I am shocked, utterly shocked, to think that not one of you

bought a ticket to Saturday night's dance.

Gentlemen, if we were celebrating just another holiday, I would say, so what?

But need I remind you, we are celebrating...

Donna Beachy's birthday.

Now, let's get those tickets moving.

Oh, come on, fellas. Look at it this way. It's not for you.

It's not for me.

It's for Don.

Come on.

All right, forget it. I tried.

Like my own flesh and blood, I tried. I can't help it if they won't cooperate.

It's gone fine.

Sarge, we didn't sell a ticket.

They'll be in here in a minute pleading for tickets.

A tight letter that I made myself. Did you slip it in the mailbag?

Yeah, the one you mailed to yourself, sir.

They should be ready about... There it is.

Oh,

is there something for me?

Yeah, here's one for you, sir. Oh, who can this be from?

Citizens Committee?

Crane?

Are they kidding?

Where are those miserable hypocrites? I'd like to see them stop me. How dare

they even think that they can stop me? I won't put up with it.

Boy. What's he left?

What's that letter?

It's from the Citizens Committee to protect the morals of the American

Our morals? Quiet.

Attention, Sergeant Vilko.

This is a final warning.

We have just been secretly informed as to the entertainment you have planned

under the innocent title of your Don Amici birthday dance.

We wish to remind you that it is punishable by fine or imprisonment to

beautiful, ravishing, scantily dressed showgirl wiggle her way out of a

cake. Hey, there's going to be a girl in the cake! Quiet, quiet. As for the film

portion of your entertainment, we have checked and we find that Mr. Amici never

appeared in a picture called Ladies Night in a Russian Bed.

Ladies, nightmares.

I want two tickets, Molly.

Hey, two tickets.

Fellas, please, I'm sorry. The dance is off. I can't take the risk.

All right, if you insist, but on these conditions.

I will only sell tickets to the older and more reliable men. Nobody in this

platoon under 12 can buy a ticket.

Sell those tickets outside the barracks. That's how we beat it for becoming a

federal rat. Okay, this way.

Oh, boy, a girl and a cake.

I hope it's chocolate.

You're right, Sarge. You are the greatest living American today.

I keep telling that to people, but they won't listen.

What's that?

Oh, a letter for you. For real? Yeah.

Bureau of Internal Revenue?

Bureau of Internal Revenue? That's probably nothing.

Well, look, if the government wants to write me about nothing, I wish they'd do

it through the Bureau of Wildlife Preservation or something.

What does it say, Sarge?

Your 1953 income tax is under investigation.

My 90?

Get me my 1953 taxi.

This is a laugh. You want to have a chat with me?

Must be a mistake, Sergeant.

Mistake? There it is in black and white. There's my measly sergeant's salary.

There's my legitimate directions. Are they kidding? They got me on nothing.

Except maybe poor penmanship.

I need more tickets.

I'll make it and I'll just walk out and I'll lay it right into his skis and I'll

say, there it is, buddy. There it is, every cent I made in 1953.

Sarge, this is your biggest take since the 300 bucks you made on the Lady

dance in 1953.

Well, look, I'm straight in the eye and I'll say, you're going to put me in jail

for a... I didn't report a measly $300 that I made on a Lady Godiva dance in

1953.

Sarge. This is it. This is what they had up their sleeve. You didn't report it?

Why?

All the money I make on these dances I lose on the horses. I'm a non -profit

organization.

But, but, but, Sark, you don't understand. You've got to report every

income. How could they have found out about that? Some informer. Some creeper

bought a ticket and didn't have a good time. He must have squealed. Well, who

could that be?

How many guys on his post?

About 4 ,000. That narrows it down to 4 ,000. What are you going to do, Sark?

What am I going to do? I'll show them. Here, get me a list of every dance I ran

in the 90s. All of them?

So you may have settled with Billings. Well, do I ever fail? Good. That clears

us up to 53. You can start on 1954.

Sergeant Bilko? Yes, Sergeant Bilko of the United States Army. I'm terribly

proud of it.

Is there anything that we... Yes, perhaps you can explain why, with a

tax dodgers going around me, you see fit to take a soldier away from his line of

duty, away from the defense of his country. Defense? Yes.

While this minute Russia may be planning a sneak attack, I want you to be able

to explain what I'm doing in here, having an informal chat about the 1953

tax. Look, Sergeant. Oh, no, look, Sergeant, perhaps I'm treading on some

here. Perhaps I should... Look at me, man, when I'm addressing you!

I've stumbled on something. Perhaps I've stumbled on the answer to a question

that all America would like to know. Where was our army on Pearl Harbor Day?

Well, I think I can answer that question.

They were probably all in tax offices explaining their 1940 income tax.

Sergeant, if you'll explain. Oh, sure.

Have me in for a little chat, huh? Want some new faces around here. Probably got

tired of talking to Joe Lewis, eh?

Well, here I am.

Sergeant, what are you talking about? Oh, look, this is cute. What about

pretending he doesn't know? Pretending you don't know about bag dancers? That's

some filthy stool pigeon.

See, here it is. I have nothing to hide. Sergeant, Sergeant Philco.

Yes? What is it? I want this slow remove. What?

Sergeant Vilco, nobody wants to send you to jail. Oh, sure.

That's what they told poor old Mal Capone. No, you don't.

I want this law removed from my record. Right there, sir. Get it from your desk,

Tom. Clear it up.

Everybody, I'll get that. Vilco.

Sergeant Vil... Oh, now I remember.

This got mixed up with the Billings case. It was sent out by mistake. Don't

me that, Rudy, about mistakes.

I what?

It was a mistake? Yes.

You fellas are doing a bang -up job.

I think it's something to be admired the way you men stay.

You got Billings, huh? Well, give it to him. Good. Don't let him go.

Just a moment, Sergeant. Yes?

About these dancers.

What about the dancers? 87 dancers in 1953.

That comes to a dance every four days. Well, it just keeps the men awake. You

understand? Where are you stationed? Fort Arthur Murray?

Ha, ha, ha.

Say, that was the gym band. It's the way you came out with it. And they take

civil service employees.

Are you a militant? That's funny.

Funny. Well, I have to go. Wait!

I knew he'd say that, Jess.

Sergeant, inasmuch as you've now called our attention to all these money -making

activities, we have no other course than to investigate them.

Investigate? Why, this very moment in Moscow. We know about that, Sergeant. We

know about that. Yes?

We also know that anybody who comes in here and tries to browbeat us is usually

trying to hide something. I have nothing to hide. Good, please.

There's nothing to hide, sir. Good, good. Now, if you'll just bring in all

records about these activities.

Records? Of course, we can send some of our men down and talk to your boys. No.

No, I'll have the records here. I've kept the record. As we say in the army,

it down on paper.

And as we say in a bureau, where there's smoke, there's fire. Funny.

Funny. You do come out. Well, I'll go shrapnel in my hip, you see. You are 48

hours.

Duty rosters.

Oh, hi.

Pretend you're looking at the duty rosters. What?

Are there any strange men around here checking on me?

On you? Make believe I said something funny last night.

Yes, I just... Johnny, I'm in trouble. They're after me.

Do you? The treasury men, the tea men. It's about my 1953 income tax. I gotta

prove I didn't make a cent on any of my social activities. Well, honey, if

there's anything I can do... You can, you can, baby. You got the girl power

here. I'll bring in the records. You showed that it all balances. I showed no

profit. I don't know what I... Johnny, don't give me a brush up there until...

Look, if you don't want to see these stripes growing this way, you gotta help

me.

What do you want me to do? Shh, shh.

Have you been to any of Sergeant Bilko's dances?

Yes, I had a wonderful time. Doesn't he do a grand job? And he gives so much of

himself. And never makes a cent of profit. Only thinking about the boys

from home. He's never done anything.

Never seen more obvious disguise for a team man, huh? Honey, that's your

imagination. Imagination? Nothing. It's later than you think, honey. We've got

to work fast.

All right, fellas. Get ready.

Here, honey. Here's my records for the first two weeks of January.

Work on those. There's old posters in there. Tickets.

All kinds of stubs. Just make them balanced. All right, fellas.

Don't talk to that man with the water cooler. Get away.

Get it moving. Come on, come on.

What's going on? Don't ask questions. Just do as you're told. Now, don't talk

any strangers carrying water coolers. How's it going? How's everything

balancing? We're stuck on the Lady Godiva dance. What do you mean?

Any time, any time we add up the profits, you show a profit. We got the

of the horse down. Wait a minute. How about that girl who was supposed to play

Lady Godiva? She walked out and I laid out $40 of my personal money to get a

long, blonde wig for Doberman. Yeah, but Sarge, we can't find a bill for the

wig. I got to think of everything. Don't worry. We got to get Doberman to

testify.

Doberman on the road.

Hey, Doberman. Now, look. I want everything to balance. Work on every

that you see. You wanted me, Sarge? Oh, look, Dwayne. I want you to go down to

administration and have it notarized that you were our Lady Godiva in the

we ran in 1953.

But Sarge, you promised nobody would know. I didn't say a word. The horse

talked. Sarge, we still show a profit of $160.

Put it down that I gave $160 to a veterinarian. Veterinarian? Yes,

sprung the horse.

Sarge, now look.

You're supposed to be mathematical geniuses. I had you transferred for pay

and I'm paying you 20 cents an hour. Let's see some results in here. I'll

this with you. Some of the entries are blurred. 50 paradise, $5, 10 cases of

beer, 7 harem girl costumes. What affair was that?

Oh, yes.

That was the 4 -H dance.

What's wrong? It's goodbye April, hello maid dance. Is that one dance or two?

Sarge, that's two dances. Don't you remember? At midnight, you emptied the

at a goodbye April's, and then you let in the hello maid.

Right. It was a twilight doubleheader. Put it down.

Put it down.

Hey, Tom, we can't start checking 1954 until every 53 cases in. I see you've

still got one unfinished case. Oh, it's just the Sergeant Bilko 1953 tax. You

need any help? The boys are just sitting around.

No, I'm waiting for him now. I'll finish this up in 15 minutes.

What's this?

Sergeant Bilko's tax records from 1953.

His records?

Now, where do you want the rest? The rest!

This is just the first two weeks in January.

First two weeks in January?

Hello, Chief. What did you do to us?

All I did was ask you to... All I did was put it on our list for

so now we've got to check it.

Henderson, Goldberg, Abernathy, give Tom a hand here and clean up this mess.

Don't worry, Chief. If I work all night, I can clean this up.

Tony, Tony. Yes, sir? I found the figures on my essay contest, why I want

Arthur Miller.

Where are they? There was a scribble on the door in the stockroom. I had the

door taken off. The boys are bringing it open.

How's everything going here?

Well, we finally balanced your list. Get behind Miss America Dance.

Good girl.

We found that Paparelli won the door prize. You know, that all -expense trip

Atlantic City? Yeah. That took care of $160 profit.

Fine. Let's look. Hold it. Take that out of the record. Quick. Well, honey, it's

a tax office.

Oh, now they got me. Now they got me.

What's the matter? that Paparelli won, didn't he? He won, but he didn't get

there. He never got to Atlantic City. I convinced him Atlantic City was a

condemned city. I told him there were termites in the boardwalk. Sarge, think

something. Sarge, them tax guys are going to ask Paparelli if he ever went

Atlantic City and he's going to say no. He's the one guy in the platoon that

never lies. Yeah, I know. If I could just gotten my hand on him in his

years.

Pure tax evasion.

I got it. What?

Good. All we've got to do is refresh Paparelli's memory about his glorious

weekend in Atlantic City. Sergeant, what memory? He didn't go.

His memory will be completely refreshed when he sees the souvenirs of the trip.

You know, the saltwater taffy, the picture of the girl he left behind, the

towel. Sergeant, he has no souvenirs from Atlantic City. I know, but I have.

Come on, let's go.

Bernie, you can't.

Honey, look.

Face it.

It's Atlantic City for Paparelli or Atlanta for me. I get it.

Don't talk to that man with the water cooler.

Where? Go on, everything's a tally. I mean, you check.

Paparelli just came in. Did you get everything planted? Yeah. The saltwater

the picture, the towel, everything? Sarge, everything. Move, move.

All right, work around here. Everyone sit down in there. I don't move. And the

rest of you guys stop goofing off. We've got a full day ahead.

Oh, hiya, Paparelli.

Hiya, Sarge. How are things going on the paint shop? Oh, we finished the staff

car. We were just about to start on the captains, but the fellas, they... Sarge,

what are you looking for in my footlocker? Here it is.

What's that?

Saltwater tap that you brought back from your weekend in Atlantic City in 1953.

Look. I was thinking about the paint shop. Sarge. What weekend trip to

City in 1953?

I'll cut it out, Pepper.

You know, I read someplace, if you work too long amongst paint, it accounts for

loss of memory.

Maybe I ought to transfer you. Sarge, I was never in Atlantic City.

That business about Esther, it still rankles you, doesn't it?

Now look, suppose I switch you to carburetor. Sarge. What?

Who's Esther?

Three years and you're still carrying a torch, huh? A torch?

Why don't you forget about it, Dina? There are lots of other girls in the

Maybe they haven't got Esther's figure, but there are... Sarge. What?

Who's Esther?

Who's Esther?

Are you kidding? That's all you talked about when you came back from your

weekend. You and Esther on the veranda of the Edgewater Hotel. Esther? You and

Esther here, you and Esther there. Look, Sarge. Once and for all, I don't know

anybody named Esther and I was never in Atlantic City in my entire life.

You weren't, huh? No.

I gotta get you out of that paint shop.

Atlantic City.

Thanks for the use of your towel, Dino.

My towel?

Hotel Edgewater, Atlantic City.

Hey, Hans, I just picked up some mail. Hey, you got a letter from home. Hey.

Sorry, Dino. There's nothing from Esther.

Esther?

I've got to get out of that paint shop.

Where did this... Hey, who...

To Dino Paparelli with all my love, Esther.

Atlantic City, 1953.

Esther?

Hey, she was really something, huh? Yeah.

And you mean you've never once been back since 1953?

It was one of those things.

Are you kidding? The way he makes time with Danes, what's one more beauty?

Cut it out.

Man, she really fills out a bathing suit, huh? Believe me, this picture

do her justice.

You dark... keeping that all to yourself.

Hey, come on. Why is it the social? There's work to be done.

Oh, that's a pretty looking girl. Who's that?

Esther.

Esther? The little chick I met on the veranda of the Hotel Edgewater in

City in 1953.

You were in Atlantic City in 1953?

Don't you remember? I won that free trip to Atlantic City at your dance.

Oh, yes. I completely forgot that. That's right.

Did you hear about it? He was in Atlantic City in 1953.

I found it. I found it. The unused tickets for the Parade for Robert Fulton

dance. That'll show a loss. Put it down.

Now, how's everything going? Well, we can't find any records on your armed

forces three -legged day race.

Wasn't that rained out? Oh, no. Don't you remember Fleischman and Zimmerman

it? Oh, yes, I remember. We couldn't get them untied in time for the parade.

Remember how mad the colonel was when they hopped by the reviewing stand?

Amber, I can't seem to make out the name of it. It's simple.

It's Hail to our fearless leader, Colonel John T. Haldane. That's good.

balances. It does? Yes. See, that's when you took in $85 to have a silver loving

cup engraved for the colonel.

Oh, yeah.

Trouble. Trouble. Now what is it? The colonel never got the cup. Oh, no. Now,

look, I lost it in the crap game and that jeweler wouldn't cooperate. He

to test. Sarge, what if they check with the colonel and he don't even know about

it? He'll want to see the loving cup, Sarge.

Don't worry, they'll see the Loving Cup. Take a letter.

But, Sarge, we're broke. How are we going to buy a Loving Cup for the

now? We're not going to buy it. The Colonel's going to buy it. The Colonel's

going to buy himself a Loving Cup? Of course, to replace the one he lost that

gave him.

Sarge, how can you lose some if we didn't give it to him?

Carelessness.

Now, date the letter.

September 10th, 1953.

Sergeant E. Bilgo and Committee.

Thank you so much for the beautiful Loving Cup and the lovely inscription to

Colonel John T. Hall.

leader of men, gallant fighter, human being.

Sign, Colonel Dante. All I've got to do is get him to sign. He's going to sign

that? Give me some papers. Which papers? Any kind of papers. A lot of papers.

Get Gomez and Dillingham out and stand by. Right, sir.

Come in.

Excuse me, sir. I hate to trouble you, sir, but these papers have to be signed.

What is it? Well, it's a 36 -page resume about how he found Doberman's fatigue

cap in 1953.

I think I can read it. Yes. Oh, at 0900 on a Friday.

There's no line. I'll sign it. Oh, would you sign it here, sir?

Thank you very much. Would you sign this, sir? This is the virtues of the PX

the soldier consumer.

It's very important. Would you sign that? And this one here, sir. It's not

important. Right here. Yes, sign that one there. Thank you very much, sir. Oh,

you can sign just X that one, sir. Just give it an X. Thank you very much. Sign

it with W, sir.

What?

I can't remember what happened to those reports. The way things are going, I'm

lucky to remember my own name.

Come in.

Sir, so sorry to disturb you, but they weren't here when it happened, sir, and

they want to see it.

See what?

The loving cup we gave you in 1953, sir.

You gave me a loving cup in 1953? Oh, yes.

You were a friend of mine. We saved pennies until it came to $85, and we had

this lovely club engraved to you, sir, and they'd love to see it, sir. It was

engraved? Yes, sir.

Oh, I don't blame the Colonel for forgetting it. I forgot it myself until

accidentally I came upon this lovely thank you note that you took the trouble

write us, sir. My thank you note?

It is, sir. Thank you.

Thank you for the beautiful holding cup and the lovely inscription.

To Colonel Hall, leader of men, gallant fighter, human being.

Yes, sir, and time hasn't diluted our enthusiasm. We feel the same way today,

sir. Oh, thank you, Bilko.

Could we see it, sir? Because the boys are so anxious. They weren't here when

was presented. They weren't. The Loving Cup. That's in great, sir. Oh, yes, the

Loving Cup.

Well, I don't see it here anywhere.

Sir.

Don't. Don't break our hearts, sir, and tell us that when you moved from your

other office, you threw it out with some other junk, sir. Please don't say that.

Oh, no, I'd never throw it out.

It must be at home.

Oh, may we stop by your home as well? No, no, no, no.

I'll bring it in tomorrow and I'll show it to you. Oh, goody. Then you can see

it tomorrow. Yes, I'll bring it in tomorrow and I'll show it to everybody.

That was a nice gesture.

Hello.

Kramer's Jewelry Store.

I'd like to order a loving cup for immediate delivery.

Here's the inscription.

To Colonel Hall.

Gallant fighter, human being.

Who's this talking?

Colonel Hall.

Check this one.

June 10th, Insta -Platoon, Canasta Tournament. Oh, Mr. Henderson had the

photographs of the winners. I'll get them. All right. Now, on June 12th,

Benedict Arnold's birthday, he ran a forgive and forget dance.

I've got the expenses on the Arbor Day plant -me -now, dig -me -later

See, Hannah. Hannah.

For heaven's sake. We've got the start of 1954.

Where do you stand on 53?

January and February in Washington. March is on its way. I'm checking April,

May, and June. July and August are piled up in the corridors.

Oh, no.

Here comes autumn.

Come on, come on. We're in the stretch.

Sarge, it's midnight.

Look, we only got one day less than 53. Now, what do I do? You ran a New Year's

Eve party. Goodbye, 1953. Hello, 1954.

Oh, yeah. You collected $26 ,000 in tickets. Is that check?

That checks, except that the New Year's Eve party never came off. Come on, get

the New Year's hats and the horns. Sorry, Sarge, you're going to run a 1953

Year's Eve party now in the middle of June? I got to. When they're asked if

had a 1953 New Year's Eve party, they got to say yes. Come on, get all the

stuff.

Sarge, everybody just sleep out here.

Up, up, up, up, up. Fun, everybody, fun.

Up, up, up. All right, hats for everyone.

a 1953 New Year's party, and you're going to get it.

We've got ten seconds to go.

Let me see this. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...

Bye, 1953.

Hello, 1954 party.

26. It checks.

That's it.

Regular investigators stand by for a week's vacation.

Now we can get back to normal.

We're ready for the 1954 cases. Send in the first case.

Oh, it's going to be good to get home tonight.

1954. I want that man's name!

Oh, you're tired of hounding me in 1953, eh? What do you got, a Jean Valjean

complex? What do you want to do, chase me? Well, I have the record.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Elizabeth

Fraser as Sergeant Hogan, Alan Hewitt as Drummond, and Dan Fraser as Elliot.

Coming next, here at Comedy...