Original subtitles

I do not!

With this $100, which you get according to the rules of the platoon, help a

buddy fund, we send you into civilian life with memory.

Over here, over there.

Memories, memories. Remember your first 20 -mile hike? Remember how your feet

hurt and I used to let you wear sneakers?

Did he ever pay for the rental of those sneakers? No. How much was that? $8.

$8.

Memories of the barracks.

Don't cry on the money. The memories of the barracks that you spend with your

buddies. Did he pay the bunk tax?

$12. Let me see. Latrine toll?

140 times 10 cents, $14. Smoking license?

$2. What does that count to? $28.

$28.

$28. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, listen to that.

Remember the fun we used to have at the Christmas party? Yeah, what fun?

Fun we had.

Do you remember you fell into the Christmas tree and knocked it over?

What was the breakage on that?

$9. $9.

$9. memories,

memories. Do you remember the bivouac?

Oh, the bivouac? I was having fun with your buddy.

How does he stand on that?

Rental a sleeping bag, $5. Tent and cooking utensils, $5. Permit to build a

fire, $6.

Listen, what about water? For water, you may have to pay cash.

Oh, I see. Now, what does that come to?

$25. $25 makes us even. Even, but I... Hello.

Did you get the money?

That's some fun. Help a buddy fund.

Yeah, it's easier to get money on a Fort Knox with a can opener. Oh, wait a

minute. What's with you guys?

Rick Chickering is a civilian now. What would that $100 mean to him? It just put

him in a higher tax bracket.

And who gets the tax money?

Uncle Sam.

What does Uncle Sam do with the tax money?

Spend it on soldiers.

What are we?

Soldiers? See?

All I did was eliminate the middleman.

Look, we've got to replenish the welfare fund. Is that rookie here, the kid with

the freckles? Yes, sir. We'll start a pool on how many freckles a kid has.

All right, you all got your bet found, Ritzig? You got your bet in? Yeah. Now,

you're sure you never saw this kid before?

Are you kidding? He's a recruit. He just checked in 15 minutes ago. Okay. Hold

it.

$15 and avoid my single -core platoon.

What number? We'll take 175 freckles. Put down a signal, 175.

Will you all set it?

Go ahead.

Count. One, two, three, four, five... Hey, Josh, Josh!

Wait a minute, what's this? I know, but look, come here.

I just picked up this Detroit paper in the day room.

The will of the late Abner Chickering, industrialist, to be read Wednesday.

That's today.

Chickering? Yeah. Is that the kid that was... Yeah, yeah, the uncle of Gregory

Chickering, who used to be in our platoon.

Look, here's his name.

Gregory Chickering. He's one of the few heirs.

Gregory Chickering? Yeah. Gonna be a millionaire.

Hey, maybe he'll remember his buddies when the door rolls in. Are you kidding?

The only thing he'll remember is the four years he spent with us.

The wound up broke.

Thanks to a certain sergeant who shall be nameless.

What do you want from me? How did I know he was going to be a millionaire? He

dressed like us. He ate the same food. How else was he going to dress?

Well, I mean, he gave no indications of being nervous. I mean, I've been around

heirs before.

The minute a Western Union boy shows up, they start putting on a black armband.

I mean, I never even caught him once reading the obituary column. I read the

obituary column, and I come from a long, unbroken line of paupers.

Hey, get $20 out of the welfare fund. Right, Sarge. Why?

Flowers. We've got to show him we want to share his grief.

Yeah, but, Sarge, it's too late to be nice to him.

What do you mean, too late? I was always nice to him.

Didn't I treat him exactly like any other member of this platoon?

Yeah.

All right, it's too late. Back to the table.

I, Abner Chickering, being sound of mind and body...

I bequeath to my beloved nephew, Alfred, and his wife, Agnes, my townhouse and

all its possessions.

To my loving niece, Hester Reeves, and her husband, Carl, I leave my

And finally, to my nephew, Gregory Chickering, who thought more of going

the army than learning the family business, I leave one dollar and my pet

parrot.

One dollar?

And the parrot.

But I was one of my uncle's favorites.

Now, please.

Now, for the disposition.

Mrs. Gregory, here are the keys to the house.

Mrs. Reeves, here are the keys to the car.

Gregory, here's some seed for the parrot.

There must be some mistake.

Cousin Alfred, it was you who said that Uncle Abner wanted me to go into the

house. Nonsense, my boy. But you did.

It's too late for your tears, Gregory.

Four years in the army and you didn't even write him one letter.

Not one letter. I wrote every single week, Hester.

Oh, Cousin Hester, you always opened the mail for Uncle Abner at the factory.

Didn't you see them?

I never saw anything from you. Come, Carl. But that's impossible. I wrote

week.

Oh, Mr. Garner, they poisoned his mind against me. My son, I wouldn't accuse

anybody unless I had proof.

One dollar to Paris.

Isn't there anything I can do? Gregory, as a lawyer, I must tell you, they have

blocked all avenues of escape.

There must be someone I can turn to. Well, I'm afraid it would take a special

type of genius to outfox those cousins of yours. Special type of genius? Yes, a

master conniver, an ingenious finigular, a man with honey on his tongue and

larceny in his heart.

Then you know Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant who?

Bilko. May I use your phone, please?

Long distance? Give me Fort Baxter, Kansas. Gregory, the legal fees on these

will cases isn't as large as people think.

I understand.

Reverse the charges, please.

Here you come. All right, thank you. Hello, hello.

Please.

Hello, operator.

Yes, this is Sergeant Bilko.

I can't hear you.

You must be calling ship to shore.

His yacht may be in choppy water. Hello, operator. Yes, I can hear you now. What

is that?

Will I accept the call?

You mean he reversed the charges?

So what? You can't put $100 into a coin box.

Yes, Alfred, I'll be glad to accept those charges. Thank you.

Hello? Hello, Greg!

How much did you... Hiya, boy! Hiya, baby boy!

Ernie, you're the only one I can turn to. They just read the will and all I

was $1 and a parrot.

Gregory, what are you talking about? It's a bad connection.

Heck, it's weird. I heard you say that all you got was $1 and a parrot.

What?

That's what you did?

Opera, there's some mistake about accepting the charge. You've got the

number. This is the San Francisco Opera Company. We're doing bigoletto.

Well, I'll be here. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Now pull yourself, pry me the whole story. Go ahead.

Which cousin was that?

Well, is the lawyer to be trusted?

Hey, Sarge, are you really going to Detroit? It's the least I can do. I've

to see that chickering gets his legal inheritance. That jerky kid, he's been

with me four years. He figured we'd learn never to trust anybody.

Okay, Sarge, you're all packed. I'll put it in the jeep. I'll pack your bag.

Mine? You're going with me. Me? Help!

Come on, I've got to get some help around here. I'm dealing in millions.

Now, let me see. Now, who's got a three -day pass coming?

Dolman and Fleischman.

Fine. That's great. I'm shooting for high stakes. I ran over a pair of

All right.

Doberman, pack your bag. You pack your bag. You're coming with me to Detroit.

Detroit? I don't want to spend my three -day pass in Detroit, sir. Hey, listen

to him. Didn't you ever hear of Detroit F .O .B.? You know what F .O .B. stands

for? Sure.

Full of blonde.

Who's been talking to him?

He came here a sweet, innocent kid. Look at him now. All right.

Go on. Pack your stuff. I always keep bickering with underlings. You heard the

sergeant. That's right. Now hurry up, Doberman. Good boy. Now you pack your

Henshaw. Me? Yeah. I don't know anybody in Detroit.

You know Doberman? Yeah. He'll be there. All right.

Cool. Hey, Sarge, what plan are you going to use on those crooked cousins?

been thinking about it. Let me see.

I think I got it. They just got newly rich, you know? They'll be suckers for

culture.

That's it. I'll sell them an original Rembrandt.

Is Corporal Sam Rembrandt still with the kitchen platoon?

No, he was transferred.

Well, that's that odd.

Hey, have I got any of that phony South American uranium stock left?

Phony? You sold it all to us.

Oh. I just wanted to see if you boys were awake.

Hey, Sarge, what about that stock? Hold on to it.

But you said we'd make millions. I just got a wire from the president of Peru.

They're starting to excavate. The Inca people are helping. They've come down

the mines, and they're digging furiously. Come on. Let's go.

Give me time. I haven't picked my comic books for the trip yet.

Train number 76, the Midwesterner from Omaha, will arrive on schedule on track

34. All passages changing for Toronto.

Suspense.

You know how to do his call, right?

Here we go again with the bit, come here.

Look, we haven't got much time. I've got to find out all the information I can

quickly. Now, you're out of it.

Where's Dortmund? He's right up in... Chuck, I told you to keep an eye on him.

This is a big city. If they find him wandering around, I'll put him in a

There he is.

Do you have Elvis Presley in outer space?

Dortmund, stick with the group like I told you. Stick with the group. Keep an

eye on him.

Now, look, I've got to find out quickly.

Your relatives, are they sporting people? I mean, will they bet on a fixed

race? No, they never play the races. Oh, that's sad. How about this? Will they

buy a mean coat without seeing it first?

No. Well, I've got to think.

Uh, if I... If I get the... Where's Doberman?

Did I tell you to keep an eye on him? Didn't I? Where is he?

Doberman! Doberman!

Two Mickey Mouse's for one Donald Duck, okay?

Come on, come on, Dalton, come on.

Sarge, I got the sucker about to be fleeced.

Okay, come on.

Now listen, I'll tell you what, stick with the group.

Hey, Sarge, did you see the way I handled it? Oh, that was so clever.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

She took me. What do you mean?

She slipped in the National Geographic.

Keep an eye on her, Sarge. Did you think of anything yet?

Yes, Dalton just gave me an idea.

We'll make a trade. A trade?

What if I got the trade? The parrot.

Cyclops? Cyclops. That's what they call him because he only has one eye.

One eye or not. They're going to be so anxious to get that parrot, they'll

you anything to get it. Leave it to me. I don't understand.

If you understood, it wouldn't be any good. Let me see.

Where are your relatives now?

They're probably over at Uncle Abner's house. I got the address and phone

number, Sarge. All right, Jack. Now you, don't stop. Hold it. Hold it. If you

want to do any crying, go down to the Y where you're registered. We'll call you

when we want you. Come on. Now we've got to move fast. Let's go.

I mean...

Come on. Come on before she gets your uniform. Come on.

Why don't you pick on somebody else's sides, miss?

We're too sorry.

The first thing we do, we get out of these clothes, right? Then a quick

rehearsal. Do you know how to pick the pony points? Let me try it.

Let's go.

Don't let them have it, Hester. No, it's part of the estate. We got half the

estate. Don't think you can pull that.

You're not talking to a sap like Cousin Gregory.

All we want is something to remember beloved Uncle Abner by.

Good. Then take the portrait.

Oh, I don't want that ugly old picture in my house.

I'll take this. Oh, no, you don't. What?

Who can that be?

This house has been closed up for two years.

See what it is.

Oh!

Well, is there anything I can... Shut up!

See here, you just can't break it. Shut up!

Just keep perfectly still and nobody will get hurt. There must be some

This is the home of the late Abner Chickering.

Chickering. So that's the name Hard Rock went by, huh?

Hard Rock?

Shut up!

Where is it? Where is what? Shut up!

Wherever it is, I'll find it. I'll find it.

That's for me.

Hello. Yeah, this is a weasel.

I didn't find it yet, but it's here and I'll find it.

Now, there's nobody here but a group of stupid relatives.

What? Yes. Now, get ready to sail. The minute I get it, we're off.

You got the crew together?

No ears?

The beast? The hook?

The rat?

Don't tell anybody but the rat. He's the only one I can trust.

Here. I'll find it. Don't you worry. I'll find it and away we go with it. All

right.

All right, Hard Rock.

I'll find it. If it's here, I'll find it.

Thought you had the last laugh on me, didn't you, Hard Rock?

I'm the last one of the gang left.

You left me for dead on an anthill in the Gobi Desert.

But you didn't figure out my one, the Camel Zimum, who nursed me back to

and untied me. And you're dead and I'm alive?

You may find it. You may find it.

We've got to find it before he does. Find what? Whatever it is your uncle hid

from the rest of his gang. Oh, gang?

Uncle Abner was a timid little man. I don't think he ever left Detroit.

it is, we've got to find it first. Yes.

I'll find it, Hard Rock. Wherever you put it, Hard Rock, I'll find it. Don't

worry about that. I'll find it, Hard Rock. You're never going to outsmart me.

You'll find it. Find what?

Well, if you'll just tell us what you're looking for. Sam!

Get this straight right away. I'm not sharing this with anybody.

I didn't travel halfway around the world.

I didn't outwit 30 secret police officers in different countries.

No, sir, it's all mine. I'm the last one left. The last one left.

You were the last one left, Wolf.

Wolf Larson.

Hello, Wolf. I didn't know that... I wouldn't... Reach, Weasel. Grab some

Surprised to see me?

Surprised? I say I'd be surprised. No reason, except you pushed me into a

pit in the middle of Africa.

Now, look, you know what I mean. Yeah, you took those tigers to take care of

didn't you? But one thing you didn't figure out, that I'd be saved in the

of time by a passing band of friendly Mau -Maus.

Oh, those friendly Mau -Maus. Yeah, they'd nice me back to health.

Now, look, Wolf, you know I was under instructions from Hard Rock. Shut up.

your prayers.

Is this it? Yeah.

All right.

Wolf, let me go out like a man.

Give me a cigarette.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks, Wolf. I knew you'd... All

right,

say your prayers, Wolf.

All right, Weasel, kill me. Make the biggest mistake of your life.

What do you mean? If you kill me, you'll never find Hard Rock's map of the

island. They don't know about the island.

They didn't hear me say nothing about Hard Rock's map of the island.

All right.

Keep talking.

I got half the map, see? And I'm the only one who knows where the other half

If you kill me, you'll never find where Hard Rock buried it. All right, Wolf.

You've bought yourself a pot. Where's the other half of the map? Now you're

getting smart.

Right here.

This is what happened.

Come on in the next room.

Walls have ears and nobody moves.

Did you hear that? Uncle Abner buried it on an island.

Buried what? It's ours. It's ours. What? I don't know. We've got to find it.

Yes. We've got to find it.

Looking for something?

Oh, no.

We're just spacing up the house.

We'll be out of here in a minute. Find a map.

Right. It's in the wall safe, right behind this picture.

What wall safe? Are you out of process? I swear to you, weasel, I was told it

was in the safe behind that picture. Who told you?

Was it the title?

Yeah. He's a liar.

Yeah.

Let me see. Where did you get your half of the map? From Hilda.

Hilda? Yeah. Hong Kong Hilda? Yeah, that crazy hunk of stuff who used to sing in

the half gas joint. Are you nuts?

She's Crazy China Charlie's gal. Why would she give you half of the map? If

gave it to anybody, she'd give it to Crazy China Charlie.

Why dig him up just to give him a map?

What do you mean?

I had to. We usually knew about the Duchess.

The Duchess?

Who told him about the Duchess?

Was it Noah Schmidt? Who could tell Noah?

He heard it from

me. Crazy China Charlie.

Look, Charlie, I want to talk to you.

Throw me your half of the map.

What good is half a map for you?

Because I've got the other half.

Where'd you get it?

The Eskimo gave it to me.

The Eskimo. You'll never figure on the obvious. The Eskimo.

Now look, you don't want this half of the map. Give me the map.

There's enough here for the rest of us?

There certainly is.

Thirty million dollars worth of diamonds.

What? Thirty million dollars worth of diamonds. Quiet, they'll hear you.

I want to tell you something, Charlie. I always liked you. This may come as a

surprise to you, but if I ever had a son, I was going to call him Crazy China

Charlie Jr.

Give me the map.

The map.

The knife. The map.

I'll give you the map for the knife. It's a deal.

I got the map. I got the map. I got the knife.

I got a gun.

I'll give you the knife for the gun.

Not the gun.

Now to put the two halves of the map together.

What's wrong? Look.

It's just the outline of an island with an X on it and some crazy foreign

writing. There's no writing, no nothing. That's funny.

Fire. There must be a million islands.

Maybe there's a clue in these maps where the island is.

Yeah. Hey, Charlie, who did you kill to get the map?

Singapore Sam.

Singapore Sam. Hey, we should hear that. Singapore Sam is dead.

Singapore Sam. Wait a minute. Isn't he the one who works for? Oh, no.

The bad man.

I'm going to get out of here. Me too. Wait for me.

Wait a minute, man. We were only trying to get...

Good evening.

Well, well, gentlemen.

So glad you could come. Look, fat man, if we wouldn't have a question... If we

knew you were involved... Made me dirty an excellent pair of gloves.

Now, uh, what have we here? Now, wasn't I the one that said... Oh, he's at the

block. Silence!

The meth's wrong to you, fat man. You're the only one that can sign with a code.

This is interesting.

What is it, Batman?

Mongolian hieroglyphics.

My native tongue.

To find exactly where the treasures lie, ask Cyclops, who has one eye.

Wait a minute. There's no guy in this cave who has one eye, Batman.

Maybe they know something.

Let me interrogate them. No, let me. But, Sarge.

He remembers my name from that old Russian bank job. Serge Kuzitsky.

Fat man wants to know, you got any heirs or any relatives with one eye?

Psycho! What? What was that what she's saying? What?

Nothing, nothing.

We're up against a stone wall. They won't talk, fat man.

What'll I do with them?

Oh, let them go.

I beat it and thank your lucky stars that the fat man's in a good mood. You

didn't see nothing. You don't know nothing. No, no, no.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

No, quick, let's get to him first. We'll get in the house.

We'll get in the house.

Yes.

Boys,

you are magnificent.

No, but what was that with the, with the brassards?

Brassards. Oh, shut up.

Hello. Hello, is this the Y? Let me speak to Gregory Chickering. Hey, Sarge,

when you said one eye and her face is lit up.

All right, all right, it's over.

Hello, Gregory?

Gregory, I've got to talk fast. This is Sergeant Billigan. I hear me. I can only

tell you once. I've got to get your train back to the camp. Now, look.

Your beloved cousins are on their way over there to see you. Now, look. They

want that parrot.

Don't ask me why they want it. But don't give it to them unless you get the rest

of the estate.

The house, the car, the works.

Everything is yours if you pay it right.

Averelli? Zimmerman?

Mullen? Bender? Yeah.

That all? That's it, Sarge.

There you like that. Now, one postcard.

Not one postcard. Here I am, practically laying an inheritance in his lap. You

think he would write and show his gratitude? No.

You know what I think of Gregory Chickering? He's just a no -good,

Sarge, look!

Gregory, maybe I'm just talking about you.

What? I'm going to share the inheritance with all of you equally.

Is that hot?

Hot? You don't have to. How much did it come to? I mean, the cars, the house?

Sarge, I've been around you too long to fall for that kind of stuff.

What do you mean? My cousin has to burn it out. We got 30 million coming to us.

Oh, I've got to go through all this again. Who's got a three -day pass?

All right, you're Aram, a Syrian rug dealer with a secret patent woven into a

Persian rug.

Sarge, this pirate knows where a fortune is buried.

Yeah. You're Abdullah, secret son of a chief of the Moorish tribe.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Bruce Kirby as Gregory Chickory.

Members of the family were played by Abby Lewis, Martha Greenhouse, Bernd

Thornton, and Ben Lachlan.

Harry Bannister was the attorney.