Original subtitles

Hey,

fellas, room for one more? Always room for a high roller. Sit down.

Thought you were going to town. Yeah, I was dead.

I saw Joan in town.

Joan?

My Joan?

She was with Mulligan. You know, the good -looking sergeant from

You sure?

Will you stop worrying about Joan, do you? All right, all right. Who's

about Joan?

I mean, ask a simple question. What's the deal?

A deal? Who's Joan worried?

If I was worried, would I be playing poker?

I mean, it's a ridiculous thing.

I mean, she lives her life, I live my life. She wants to, you know, I... I see

you. What do you got?

I got four aces, three sevens, a royal torch, and a pool house.

Are we going to play? Come on, Ernie. Deal, huh?

My hands are tired. I think I'll get a little air.

I'll go over to PX and get a little coffee. Look, Ernie, if you're worried

Joan... Joan? Who's worried about Joan? I'm worried about Joan.

Oh, hi, Ernie.

Hi, Freddy. Nice night, huh? Yeah, just like it's been every five minutes for

the last hour you've been out here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Freddy, by the way. No, Mulligan hasn't been back with Joan yet.

Look, if you're worried... Who's worried?

Worried.

Hey, Shiggy, how's it going?

Haven't seen her yet. Who?

The same ones you've been asking about for the last hour, Joan and Mulligan.

Look, don't make a big deal out of this. I just got to see Mulligan about some

duty rosters. I mean, it's not important.

Betty, anybody go through here while I was talking to Shiggy? Not a straw.

Well, I guess I'll get some little shut -eye.

Come on, Freddy.

Good night. Good night, Shiggy. Good night, Ernie.

Anybody come through here while I was gone?

When she comes through, we'll fire a rifle and let you know.

Don't make a federal case out of this, will you?

Here they come. Not a word.

Trying to speak him, Joan? Trying to hide something?

Ernie. Ernie, she knows my name, isn't that? Now she's been gone so long, I

thought maybe you'd forgotten. I'm sorry, Mulligan, the way she used you.

just ignore him. Oh, ignore him? Oh, you'll kill me if I wasn't wise to your

trick. If this is a little maneuver to make me jealous, may I say you failed

miserably? How long have you been wrong with him? Where'd you go? Oh, stop being

so suspicious, Ernie. How can I just went to a movie? Suspicious?

Who's suspicious?

Where's your ticket stubs? What was the name of the movie? Where's the salt from

the popcorn?

Who was playing in the picture?

Who's talking to you?

Don't be ridiculous, Ernie. Oh, I'm ridiculous.

Just a bit, huh? I'm ridiculous.

How come you go to the movies with him, you don't go with me?

You didn't want to go.

Pretty weak alibi, huh?

I didn't want to go, huh? Well, you listen to me. You listen to me, Ernie

I'm not married to you. Oh, thank heaven. Look, I hate family fights. I'll

you tomorrow.

Why, may I say he's just left in the nick of time?

Oh, you're a contemptible, suspicious beast.

Now she's trying to make up, you get it?

Now you listen to me, Ernie Bilko. I want something straightened out.

Every Saturday night when you're playing poker, do you expect me to sit alone in

the barracks all night?

No, my dear young lady. I do not expect you to sit alone in the barracks. This

is a pretty big camp. You can sit alone at the PX. You can sit alone at the

service club. There are plenty of places you can sit alone, my dear.

Now, you listen to me. You're the one that's always been saying, oh, no, no,

no, no, no. Just let's be pals. Nothing steady.

Well, I want to go even further than that.

I never want to see you again.

It's all right with me and good riddance.

Well, dames, huh?

I think I'll go into town and get drunk.

What am I talking about? I don't drink.

I'll fix it.

I'll overeat.

Now, why did you do work?

Don't come in here keeping a meal like the rest of us. Get out of here. Stop

whining. Man, he's mighty. Been like that all morning.

Been like what all morning? Trying to get a day's work out of you, boo -bobs?

You got a point job to do? Do it over. Sarge. And now talk back to me. Do it

over.

Sarge, just because you had a beef with your girl last night, don't take it out

on us. Look, Mellon, when I want advice to the loved one, I'll come to you.

Right now, I want a bow job, dumbass. Do it over. Who's down here? Hang up.

What are you doing?

I'm texting the defense. Do it over.

I'll sign nothing.

Do it over.

Where are you going?

I said do it over. I was just on furlough. Come on, work, work.

It's three o 'clock, Scott.

It's three o 'clock, so you're through. Oh, heavens, fellas, did you hear it?

We've been unionized. Wait. Do it over. But you said I could go into town. I've

got to pick up something for my girl at the jeweler. May I tell you this is the

army and you'll do the work when you're told to? Wait, Fender. You're through?

Yeah. Do it over.

Stop it.

I don't know.

There's some plots waiting for the railroad station to be delivered here.

them right away. Sure thing. I'll have to get some bills of lightning. I'll

the bills of lightning. I had a fight with my girl last night. If I don't pick

up that package of the jewelers, I'm cooked.

Had a fight with your girl? Yeah, at least let Doberman pick it up for me.

Sure, sure.

It's in my name at Kramer's. It's paid for.

Sure thing. Thanks, Doberman. Doberman, here.

Come here.

What is it, Sarge? This is just between the two of us. Yeah?

And when you get to the jewelry stop, in the window, there's a little doll charm

that's in the form of a dog house. Yeah? I want you to get it.

Oh, me?

Sarge, my birthday's in January. Who's talking about you?

This is for Joan. Have it gift -wrapped and delivered to her. Can I defend it by

net? Yes, sir. Here he is!

Sarge, I just can't get this right.

What? It looks perfect to me, Dillinger. You're doing a great job. Keep working,

baby. You're doing fine.

Hey!

What's going on here?

What are you working?

Hello, BJ. Take it easy.

Relax, buddies.

What are you knocking your brains out?

Go figure him out.

He's a nut.

I'm totally early to think of a thing like that, huh? A little gold doghouse.

was real cute, Sarge. Look, you've got to keep out thinking. Hey, Doberman, did

you get it? Here it is, Kadosk. Oh, thanks.

Rain, how'd it go?

Perfect. Everything was at the depot like you said. No, no, not that. The

for Johnny. Did you get it to her?

She wasn't there, so I left it at her desk. Good boy. All I love is to see her

face when she opens that package and then she sees the little doghouse. All

girls running giggly -giggly.

Happy? Forget about the bogey in my bag playing Saturday.

Hey, Doberman, what's this you've got me?

It's a doghouse.

You jerk, you cut the wrong package. What was in your package? An engagement

ring. An engagement ring? Oh, no, don't you worry. You just stay here and relax.

I'm going to get over to see her. If she's already opened the package,

nothing to it. I'll just come back and kill you.

It's beautiful, Sergeant.

We're all so happy for you, Joan. It's funny.

Never thought Bill could do it. It's beautiful.

Oh, you did.

Honey,

you don't have to explain a thing. This explains everything. You've made me the

happiest girl in the whole world.

be sensible about this. You see, the rules said we've got to get an okay from

the colonel before we can do this.

You know how he hates me?

Ernie, my boy!

My heartiest congratulations.

I've always said all you needed was the steadying hand of a good wife.

Joan, my dear. I just heard about it. Oh, Joan, what a lovely ring.

Did you pick it up by yourself?

No, Doberman helped me.

Look, I'd like to talk to Joan a minute alone, if you don't mind. Oh, dear.

Thank you, sir. Now, remember... I want to announce the engagement officially at

a reception I'm giving for you at our house. Reception?

Yes. And remember, when you and Joan are married, no roping. The army needs men.

Joan! Gee, that was a good one. Let's get out of here.

Ernest! Chapel.

Congratulations, my children. Oh, thank you. Now, I think a quiet little

ceremony in the chapel followed by a small... Look, Chapel, I don't think we

should rush into this thing. No, Ernie's right.

You heard her. I'm right. We shouldn't. We can wait with the arrangements till

my folks get here. Yeah, when her folks are coming.

It's just happened ten minutes. What are they, guided missiles?

Worlds change in ten minutes. You're telling me.

Bill, this is terrible.

I think I'm going to cry.

I think I'll join you.

What a happy day for Port Baxter.

Well, why don't you tell her the truth that it was all a mistake?

Oh, that's clever.

Did you think you let yourself just open your mouth and out it came? Why don't

you tell her the truth? I still say tell her the truth. That's too late!

Everybody in the post thinks she's engaged. They've given her four wedding

showers. The colonel's wife has given a reception at the house. Her folks are

coming in. The chaplain is starting to clear his throat. It's too late.

What if it was a mistake? Is that all you know how to say was a mistake?

How can I tell her you know Joan without pride?

All I have to do is tell her she's rejected or she'd be laughed off the

can't do this to her. She's a human being. Then why don't you marry her?

I'm a human being too.

I still say if you're telling the truth... You tell her the truth, Sarge.

got nothing to worry about. I ain't worried.

Just tell her. You tell her the truth. I have now given you permission. You tell

her. You look into those baby blue eyes brimming over with happiness.

You tell her it was a mistake. She got Kandowski's ring. It was never meant for

her. You tell her.

Sarge, I just cared about it. Let me off on my congratulations.

Sarge,

I tell you, if you tell her the truth, you got nothing to worry about. Tell her

the truth.

To tell you not to tell any truth.

The only thing that can save me is she's got to turn me down.

Then her pride is saved and I'm saved.

Morning, Paul.

It's for you. It's Joan. Joan? See that? She changed her mind. Hello, Joanie. If

you change your mind, I'm all right. I'm bleeding internally, but I have to

accept... What?

What is it, Sarge?

Our folks are here.

They're at the Roseville Hotel?

Yeah. All right.

Well, I want you to meet her folks. How do you like this?

Well, what?

Yeah. What?

I want to see if the folks approve of me. How do you like... Yeah.

Let's see if they approve.

Yeah. Yes, I... No, I don't think it's a silly idea. I think it's brilliant.

Why not? It's good common horse scent, after all. You're their child.

They have a right to approve of me. And if they don't, you have every right to

throw that ring right into my teeth.

Yes, I'll meet them today at the hotel.

Goodbye, dear.

The folks have to approve of me. I'm saved.

Saved? But they'll like you. Yeah, you're very... Unlikable. Sure, the

know is irresistible.

But the Bilko they're going to meet, that's another story.

Tell Godowski I'll have his ring back tonight.

Joan to find a quiet, steady young man to fall in love with.

You lucky peasant son of yours, son -in -law. You must be Daddy Boy. How do you

do? I got you with the old buzzer, Rooney. Look at life, pal. You're in a

city. There's no 20 feet skidway. A little candy for you, Mom.

Too much on the fat side. What do you do, marry a poor money one?

Ow! Give me a hat. Give me a hat, you want my hat? There it is. I'll take

If you buy this, it'll grow.

How about some meat? Would you have some? No, no, here, just have this

for me. All right, all right. Yep, I ought to go.

All right, all right.

Eat your boat in the pool room. Goodbye. Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Young man, your behavior is somewhat of a surprise.

Yeah? What did you expect, a dud?

No, but someone who at least had some of the qualities of this state flower in

my lapel. A flower that represents dignity and courage.

Take a close look at this flower, young man. I'm...

Folks are crazy about me. If I'd have given them both a hut, we'd be married

now.

Look, John, about this afternoon.

Oh, honey, my two maiden aunts came in all the way from Topeka just to see you.

They want to meet you over a cup of tea.

Johnny, two maiden aunts over a cup of tea. Come on, have a heart.

Now, honey, we're a very close family, and it's very important that Aunt Bertha

and Aunt Emily like you.

Oh, I see. They got to like me too, huh?

All right, honey, I'll be there.

Tell them I'll be there for tea. Goodbye, honey.

Rock. Get me a pint of corn whiskey.

Whiskey in Kansas? It's a dry state. What's the difference? If we get a

bottle full of tea, it doesn't make any difference. I've got to have tea with

two made men.

Do you want to open up a door for a gentleman?

I know who you are.

You're the sister.

Which one is Zsa Zsa?

Funny stuff to do.

Oh, you.

You think I'm drunk?

It's not true. I'm fighting a cold.

I've been fighting it for 14 years now.

How about that?

I want to know the truth.

You won't tell nobody if I tell you something?

I'm drunk as a skunk.

Drunk? Loaded?

So what?

Stop moving around, kid. I see 19 ants in front of you.

So, I'm drunk. What about it? Go ahead. Tell Johnny's folks. So they'll tell

Johnny and she'll take the ring back. It's okay with me?

Dunk! What are you going to do about it?

Bertha, will you take the gentleman's hat?

Yes, I will, Emily.

Your hat, sir.

What are you drinking that stuff for?

Why don't you join us?

You? We've been on martinis all afternoon.

We won't tell Joan's folks.

You won't tell Joan's folks? No, there is a couple, but...

I've got that ring. My girl doesn't believe I got it. I've got to go to the

colonel's house for reception.

And you've got trouble.

But Gloria's getting mad.

Well, tell her to call the engagement off.

That's what she wants to do. But she has to have the ring first.

Sarge, please.

Let's go, Ernie. She's all gassed up. We can catch the first show. Can't see the

torsos in town.

Come on, Sarge. We're going to the burlesque show.

Sarge, the burlesque show.

Without me.

You're not going?

You're the Iron Man of the runway.

If you don't go tonight, you'll stop your 80th streak.

He heard once when he broke his glasses, and all he could do was listen. No,

will you stop? I've got to go to this wedding reception. I don't want to go,

I've got to. It's Thursday night, family night.

Sarge, Tessie will miss you. Sarge, without you, I'll make a sick way back

the second row.

I can't go, I told you. I've got to go to this reception.

Tell him you had to go and see your sick aunt.

Oh, that's clever. I haven't even got a man.

Go tell him.

Wait a minute.

I met that family.

It's only fair she meets my family, right?

Hello, Johnny.

This is Annie. Look, honey, my Aunt Tessie came in town unexpectedly.

Yes. No, she's not a bilko. She's a torso.

Yes. She's from the French side of our family. Her name is Tessie La Torso.

And I thought I'd bring her to the reception. What time is the reception?

I think it's only fair they meet my family. What?

7 .30?

Well, I'll see if she can be there by 7. What time does the show go on? 7 o

'clock. 7 o 'clock. Let me see if I can time this right. 7 o 'clock. First thing

that comes down is the guy walks down the aisle and says, All right, friends.

While they're moving, chalking up. Right.

I got a little knick -knack for each and every morning. They can't stop me from

giving it away. And the girls come out and do the opening chorus. Hello, hello.

Hello,

hello. And then the slave man comes up with the tuxedo eyes. Girls, I expect a

couple of millionaires. Here they come now. And then Shorty and Rags come in.

This must be the place. Meet you around the corner. In half an hour.

And the whole thing. And then the princess Marquis that comes out with the

disappearing doves, right?

And then the whole thing starts with a big ballet.

Girl, up tomorrow, you're tantalizing. And then Tessie comes out. Girl, up

tomorrow, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,

bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,

bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,

bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop,

bop, bop,

bop,

bop,

bop, I care. Look, I've got a very important date tonight, and I need a

dignified companion.

Where is she?

Tessie, I want to... I mean, when your own government won't protect you.

I have something... What is this, Russia? Look, Tessie, I didn't come here

discuss politics. I got something important to tell you. Look, there's a

town from the south, a real live one.

Lotus? Oh, yes, he's Lotus. And look, the only difficulty is his wife is

She's very jealous. I'm going to pass you off as my aunt.

His wife is along? Oh, don't worry about it. She's very nearsighted. She'll

never know the difference. Now, look, you do this thing right, you can't miss.

You know what this means. You've always wanted to do your own show.

Death of a salesman.

Yeah. A musical.

Yeah, nothing to worry about. I have one of my boys pick you up. Pat Reilly's

his name. Don't worry, I'll be there. I'll depend on you. So long, kid.

My own show.

Big deal.

Okay, girls, teddy bear number.

Stand up.

Watch that wiggle, stupid.

Gee, the sergeant must think a lot of you taking you to meet his girl and her

folks at the colonel's reception.

Girl and her folks?

At the colonel's house, saying I'm a dad?

I guess he's seen you so often, he thinks of you as part of the family.

Family?

No one's ever thought that much of me before.

Oh, Mrs. Hall, we do appreciate all you're doing so very much. Oh, we're so

happy to have you.

May I get you some tea? No, thank you. We brought our own.

Oh, Sergeant Bilko, don't be so nervous. I'm sure your aunt will be here in

time. Well, I just want everything to go perfect for when she gets here.

Colonel, do you have any records here? Do you have Gene Cooper's record of Girl

of Tomorrow?

Oh, he's certainly devoted. You must be very fond of your aunt. Oh, good

heavens, yes. I've been looking up to her since I was a little boy.

That must be them. That's the car. Oh, I'm so anxious to know her.

Will you leave room for a runway? I mean, a little room here, please.

Oh, pardon me, madam.

Pardon me.

Ladies, was there a girl out here who was dressed with a... Ernest, it is I,

your Aunt Teresa.

Tessie!

Tessie, you're my only hope.

Don't worry, I won't let you down.

I know, but what are you doing, Tessie? You're dressed in some... Tessie, what

is it? Son, won't you please do the honors?

Oh, yeah, this is my Aunt Teresa. Ernest, she's lovely. This is Colonel

Hall.

Charmed. But haven't we met someplace before? No, Colonel.

Don't tell me I never forget a face. A face?

Oh, thank you, Colonel. No one's ever said that about me before. She's

Oh, Bilko, we must see more of her.

Ma, you heard that. He wants us in. Go.

Go.

But I'm going.

I'm going back home to Charleston.

Oh, it's the Southermen. This must be the place. You know the Southermen go

there. Tell them the truth. I certainly will. I want you folks to know he's the

nicest boy I've known in my whole life. Joni, come in and meet Ernest's aunt.

Oh, Ernest. She's beautiful.

Joni. Well, I never... Well, you've been hiding.

Welcome, Aunt Teresa.

Oh, thank you. Thank all you wonderful married people for showing me the way.

Thank you.

Thank you.

John, isn't she wonderful?

I'm sure I've seen her somewhere before.

Isn't she a member of your garden club?

Yeah, my aunt has shown me the way. Hey, let's make that announcement now. I'm

ready. Come on. Put that ball and chain on me. Throw away the shackles of

bachelors. I'm ready. Let's go.

Sacrifice me on the altar of marriage.

Well, what, what?

Joanie, haven't you told him? Haven't told me what?

Well, Ernie, my boy, we're all crazy about you. You're the funniest guy we

met. I know that.

Southern family. He's charming.

Solid. And the fact that you're taking it like this shows that you've got

character. That's the way to be. That's the way I always am.

What?

Take like what? Take what?

Well, there's nothing we can do. Joanie is a woman, and she changed her mind.

Joanie.

You mean you don't want to marry me? I'm sorry, Ernie. I just... Well, Joanie,

you know I'm crazy about you. It's no use talking. We pleaded with her. Well,

why do we... What's this reception for? Oh, don't arrange this for...

friend of hers who's getting married.

Oh, Joey, it's the most beautiful ring. Oh, this lovely Doberman has such

wonderful taste.

Oh, boy, congratulations.

Thank you, Colonel. Well, shall we all go into the dining room and make it

official? Oh, yes, fine. If Joe were such a stubborn little fool.

John.

Now, Ernie, don't be like a baby.

Now, Joan, what are you doing to me? You know I'm crazy about you.

When I get engaged, I don't want it to be by mistake.

I want it with a ring that's meant for me. I promise you, first thing in the

morning, I'll get you your own ring.

Man, after all, I hardly know you.

Hardly? Joan, we've been going together five years.

Five years of spending every Saturday night alone while you're playing poker.

Ernie, I promise you, you'll never be without me on a Saturday night again.

Is that a promise? It's a promise my word of honor we'll spend every Saturday

night together.

Well, it's enough for me. Where are you going on Saturday night?

My girl's way. Your girl? Doesn't she know Saturday night belongs to Polka?

Look, if you can't convince your girl Saturday night is Polka night, you're no

man. Shut up and deal. Oh, yes, I am.

All right, who's in? I'm in.

Okay, what'll we play?

One -Eyed Jack the Wild and Black Egg Count and Old Flush.