Original subtitles

I'm not doing it!

Basketball championship in a row.

You're not as terrific.

I don't know.

You don't know? I wasn't at the game. But you had a date with Bilko. I'm still

waiting. Oh, what a shame. Well, I'll stop waiting.

Sergeant Hogan. Yes.

Sergeant Bilko told me to tell you that he still held up on that emergency

cleanup detail.

He'll get here as soon as he can.

Private Paparelli?

Come here.

Tell me about this detail.

Please, Sarge, I'm just supposed to tell you what I said and then keep my mouth

closed. Oh, please.

You can tell me.

Remember, I'm the sergeant who makes out your furlough papers, and I'm the

sergeant who makes out your three -day passes, and it'd be so easy to forget

to spell your name, paparazzi.

Give. I gave my word. My lips are sealed.

Besides, he'll kill me.

Good for you.

I was just testing.

I wanted to see how loyal Bilko's men were.

Besides, I know anyway.

He spent a very busy afternoon with his three friends, Zwicky, Pendleton, and

Grover, in a crap game.

No, honest, it's a poker game.

Of course.

I meant poker game. You'd be proud of him.

Zwicky, Pendleton, and Grover had the game fixed, they thought. They put up a

big mirror behind Bilko so they could see his cards.

While the three of them are looking in the mirror at Bilko's cards, Bilko is

looking at their whole cards.

He should have them cleaned out any minute.

Thank you for telling me. Who told you? You knew.

Guess who?

I couldn't be less interested.

Oh, I love them when they try to fight off my charm, but it's a losing battle.

Sergeant Hogan, you are hereby ordered to accompany Sergeant E. Bilko on a tour

of the better cocktail bars in Roseville, Kansas, followed, of course,

at Antonucci's.

candlelight optional, followed by a reconnaissance of the northeast corner

Military Area B, sometimes referred to as Lover's Lane. Oh, no, no, I asked her

first. I'm sorry.

Well, my little symphony and khaki, how about it?

Well, as a matter of fact, Sergeant Bilko, apart from that Lover's Lane

that's exactly what I'm going to do. Good girl. Ready, Jones?

Oh, you're right on time, Mike. Well, let's go.

Wait a minute, what is this? You had a date with me? Yes, we had a date to

the finals of the Wackbasket. ball tournament. Where were you?

Well, you see, this business opportunity came up. I heard all about that with

the mirrors and everything.

That pepper really can't keep his mouth shut.

I've had it, Ernie.

I'm tired of waiting around for some poker session to end. I'm tired of

for a pool tournament to finish so we can go somewhere.

I'm tired of waiting around and being nothing but an interruption between your

big operations. Let's go, John. You heard her. She's tired. Go away. Go

I'll be with you in a minute, Mike. Right side.

You're kidding. You're not going with him, really.

Hey, Joan, you'll undermine the whole structure of the United States Army. A

sergeant going out with a corporal?

That's how France fell.

Do you mind? No, all right, all right. You pointed out to me where I was wrong.

You made your point. I've learned a lesson. Come on, let's go.

You don't seem to get the idea. I'd rather go out with Mike.

You're kidding.

You'd rather go out with him than with me?

Yes. Oh, you're upset.

You would actually rather go out with... Than with... Exactly.

You must be joking.

You would rather go with... But what has he got that I haven't got?

You're looking at it.

Oh. Oh, Ernie, I'm sorry. It just slipped out.

It's all right. All right, go.

It's good to find out that the girl I've admired, the girl I held on a pedestal,

is nothing but a hair lover.

Well, Joe?

You ever see anything so unsanitary?

If you're so crazy about hair, why don't you go out with a sheepdog?

Go on.

I'll tell you something else he's got that I haven't got and I never will

Dandruff.

Give me the barbershop.

Barbershop? A shave. A shave.

Tony, Bilko, I'll be there in ten minutes.

You're nothing but a bunch of hair lovers.

Just enough for a barbershop quartet. Be a lot of... You keep forgetting your

place. Oh, time to move.

Let me see. What would be a good thing for the quartet? Genie. You do the bail

genie with the light brown.

Bilko gets in that chair. Yeah, first he'll slop your newest hair -growing

preparation on his head. And then he takes a long nap until it dries. Look,

Tony, why don't you give up trying to grow fuzz on that cue ball? Cue ball?

All right, all right. I have enough hair jokes for one thing. Get out of here.

We'll wait outside.

So long, Carly.

Hey, so long, Carly.

Isn't that funny? G .I. humor. Fun on the post. Uh -huh, uh -huh. Sergeant,

you're going to laugh at all of it.

I think I put together just the right thing. All right, Tony, enough is

huh? For seven years now, you've been using my head for an experimental area.

But, Sergeant, this time... This time? It's always this time. How many

disappointments can a man take?

For seven years, you've been rubbing all kinds of concoctions up there. What

have I got to show for it? Your fingerprints.

But we mustn't give up hope.

There are roots under there. I can feel them. This formula will make us a

million dollars. Sure, sure. The only way I'll get hair up there is to let my

eyebrows grow and then sweep it back.

You must have hope, Sergeant Bilko.

There. This will open the pores, and Tony's new Formula 76 will pull the

out. Okay, dream on, Tony, dream on. Now, just relax.

I'm going in the back to eat my lunch. Okay.

Oh, Jones, someday, Jones, someday.

Look at him in there, sleeping.

Probably dreaming up new ways to make monkeys out of us.

Watch.

Just once, I'd like to turn the cables on him. I'd like to make him the goat

a change. Thinking up a new gag to play?

Yeah.

All right, get off my back.

At least I'm trying to do something about it. You guys just sit there

for it to come to you. Hey, you guys coming to the play? Thanks, we're not in

the theater going moved.

Hey, what's this?

They're wigs for the play.

Hey, do these things stay on?

Are you kidding? You can't get them off.

You put gum spirit in there, and then if you don't let them get wet... They'll

stick like anything.

Hey, Kodowski.

Yeah. Hey, you better put it back. I got to get going. Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, Kodowski, look. Is that a P -37 or a P -38?

Well, I don't see any planes.

Yeah, right up... Oh, those jets.

Boom, and they're gone.

Yeah, yeah, coming.

Why don't you clip the wick? Yeah, maybe they need it. Not half as much as we

do. Boys, this is it.

What is it Bilko wants more than anything else in the world?

Our money.

Now, next to that.

He's still asleep.

Now, listen. We'll take this in, and I'll paste it on his head. He'll think

the real thing. And then in front of the post, I'll tear this thing off, and the

laugh will be terrific.

But, Grover, don't you give it away without laughing.

Tony, when you run your fingers through my hair.

It's real, but I can't feel it when I pull the hair.

That's because the roots are still numb.

We'll make a fortune. I'll start bottling it. You can handle the factory.

I don't want any money, Tony. No money at all.

This will be my reward.

You're a genius. You understand?

A genius.

Why, in France, they build you a park.

Where's my hat? Where are you going?

Oh, this I got to show to somebody.

Tony, I salute a...

of high living.

You knew this special detail caught me?

Right at the gate?

Ah, well, those things happen. That's army life.

As long as I'm here, I thought I'd pick up my duty rosters.

It'll be ready Monday like it always is. Oh, yes. Well, thought I might as well

be prepared.

My goodness!

It's hot in here, isn't it?

Ernie, I'm terribly sorry about that crack I made the other day. Forget it.

No, I really... Your head!

Well, what is it like?

What is it? What? What?

You've got hair.

Hair? Well, what?

Well, Ernie, you've got hair.

Of course I've got hair. Everybody has hair. I'm human like everybody else.

It's nonsense over a little bit of hair.

But you never had it before.

Maybe I never wanted it before.

Such a fuss about a little hair.

Is it real?

Is it real? No. I bought it so I looked dashing at the motor pool.

Well, feel it. Go on.

go. Have fun. Run barefoot through it.

Enjoy it.

Well, have your little pulses all come down to normal?

Well, then, now I can tell this little G .I. sorority something I've always

wanted to tell them.

Eat your hearts out.

Well, I guess I'll go wash my hair.

I don't know what to do with it. I may let it grow into a ponytail.

Who knows?

Overman and Gander working on that new Jeep. Oh, let me see that white Jeep.

You better check with Sergeant Booker on that. I don't know what it is. He's

still down at the barbershop. Oh, yeah?

We're in the powder room, Sarge!

Give me a hand with these.

You must have bought other... Hey, what's all this?

Hair tonic?

Shampoo? All permanent?

Hair dryer? I guess I overdid it, but all the things I've been dreaming out of

buying for years, there they are.

Well, guess I'll wash my hair.

It's hair.

He's always with the jokes. He's a caution.

Hey, he's got hair.

What? What's the big deal? He's got hair.

Sergeant Reagan, how did you do it? I don't know.

All I know tonight when I lay my head on the pillow, there'll be something there

besides skin.

Sergeant, beautiful.

Well, I think I'll wash my hair. Shall we, gentlemen?

Maybe that's all, please.

Watch that water. Watch it. Don't make it too hot. These are young hairs, you

know.

You know what I was thinking about?

Maybe for the beginning.

I ought to wash it in milk till it's weaned.

It's Yardburg.

This Yardburg tries to tell me that the best hitter in the league is... Hey,

Buster, you better beat it. Sergeant Booker don't like strange soldiers in

latrine. Hey!

Sounds like Bilko. From the eyebrows up, he's a total stranger.

It's Bilko. It's me, boys. You like it? Feel it. Feel it.

Sarge, I... Sarge, I'm so happy for you.

Wait till the folks find out about this.

Hey, Bilko!

Give me a shampoo, son.

Shampoo. What a beautiful word.

Shampoo. Shampoo.

Quickly. You know my temper. When I have hair, I go crazy.

All righty.

This is what I've been waiting for for years.

Get old shampoo.

Cody Curtis, watch out. Careful now. They're very young hair. I've got to get

the shampoo rubbed in. Give me the water now. Here we go. All right.

Gently, gently, gently.

Gently. Atta boy.

Atta good boy.

All right.

Okay. That's fine.

Hedge, you tell him. Come on, boys. Tell me what?

Sarge, look in the mirror.

I'm a blonde.

There was something in that shampoo.

There was a bleach in it. I'll sue that company. Sarge, Sarge. You ain't got

any. I ain't got one.

My hair.

Rocco, my hair.

Hedge, my hair.

Where's my hair?

Really, Sarge, it was just going down the drain.

Gee, that's kind of funny, isn't it? Don't you get it? It's a joke, going

the drain.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

It's funny, you know what I mean? It's really funny.

Oh, Sarge! It's all right, Ernie.

I deserve it. You're darn right it's all right. I deserve it. My vanity got the

best of me. It clouded all my thoughts. Vanity! Let that be your lesson here.

You're susceptible when you got vanity in you. I should have known.

Now, I remember now, in a barbershop, just falling asleep, that idiot's

I remember. But, Sarge, who would do anything like this to you? Hey, Sarge,

Wickie Pendleton and Grover are outside.

There's your answer. I told them about your hair. They want to see it. Sarge,

your hair!

You didn't see anything. I still got hair, you understand?

Don't say a word. I'm trusting you. This is an order. Say nothing to anybody.

Out of here. Come on, quick, my hat. Clean your glasses. Quick, quick. Let me

get rid of this.

Now, watch that. Get that and dry it out.

Dry it out. I'm going to have use for that again. All right, Sarge. I got it.

How do I look, all right? All right.

We heard the wonderful news. Did you? A full head of genuine hair.

That's kind of a kick at that, isn't it?

No,

no, please. I'm going to show it at the proper time.

I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't we throw a big party tonight in the day room?

A sort of an unveiling so the whole world can see Ernie's hair. Gosh, that

splendid idea, Andrew.

Party for me, fellas. It chokes me all up. We'll invite everybody.

The officers, the whole camp. We'll even have the guys come back from furlough

because this is something I don't want anybody to miss.

Oh, Grover, please.

Ernie, he's so carried away with happiness about you, he just can't keep

You know, I really misjudge you guys.

a really friend.

Oh, Ernie. Ernie, your happiness is ours.

That's swell, but I've got to run. I've got some big news to tell Tony. You can

understand that. Big news, Tony. See you later, fellas. See you.

Can you see him now standing up there, taking off his hat, showing that phony

hair, and then I come along and tear it off.

I'll fall head. I'll fall head. I'll fall head. I'll fall head.

I'll fall head.

I'll fall head.

I'll fall head. I'll fall head. I'll fall head. I'll fall head. I'll fall

I'll fall head.

I'll fall head.

He went that -a -way. Go on, go on, go on. Ernie, I gotta talk to you.

My, my, what a difference a little head of hair makes now. You're crawling, huh?

Don't be ridiculous. That has nothing to do with the way I feel. Nothing, huh?

Now that I have a head of hair, you're following me all over the post. But when

I was like this, nothing.

Ernie, you... That's it.

That's the way it is.

Oh, Ernie.

It doesn't make any difference.

Doesn't? It's...

Now, listen, you stay right here, and I'll get my hat, and you'll take me for

cup of coffee to the PA. Okay. Oh, no, no, no. I've got to meet the fellas.

is very important. It's a crap game. No, no, no.

It's a poker session. Will you listen?

It's a pool tour. Will you listen? Now, trust me.

You'll just be at the day room at 8 o 'clock, and you'll see what I mean. Be

there.

Same old Ernie.

280, 285, 290, 295, 300.

Just right.

$300. Thank you, Mr. Minnelli. Get ready to send more chemicals.

Boy, looks like you got something big.

Big, big, he says.

A million dollars.

Let me look, Sergeant.

Please let me look. Will you stop a minute, Tony? Listen to me. Prepare

for a shock.

I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. Too good to be true. It was so

beautiful. It was too young to die. Look, Tony.

It never died. It never happened. It was a practical joke.

Practical joke?

$300. My life savings.

I bought solutions.

Bottles. Sarge, $300. Box them. All right, all right. I'll take care of

You're going to get your money back. Don't worry about it.

It was miserable.

$300, huh?

I want you to bottle 300 bottles of this stuff. We're going to sell them at a

dollar a piece. You'll get your money back.

Shame on you, Sergeant Bilko. We can't do that to people. We ain't going to do

it to people. We're going to sell it to Sawicki, Pendleton, and Grover. Sell it

or no.

They're going to plead with me to buy it.

I'll do what I tell you. 300 bottles. Do you understand?

Yes. Here it is, Sergeant. Use the head right. All right, here.

Help me with this. Everything all set up? All set. You better make that 350

bottles. After what you went through, you deserve a small profit.

We'll fix those creeps. Oh, Tanger with Belko, will they?

350 bottles. Who is your toilet? Are you in the day room? All right.

Everything's going to be all right, Tony.

all together this afternoon to show you that those rumors you've been hearing

around the post are all true.

And we're gathered here this afternoon to honor one of our pals.

A man who is finally getting what he deserves.

Your friend and mine, Ernie Bilko.

Thanks.

Come on, Ernie. Take off your hat.

I don't know what to say to you. Oh, we understand, Ernie. And I have been

appointed to bear the facts.

No, no. I know how you feel. You're anxious to share this happiness with me.

after all, when you consider the things I pulled off on you guys... Well, we may

pull something off on you, too.

Well, I want to thank you all for all your interest in this thing and

everything. But I also want to apologize. Because Tony and I, Tony

who thought of this wonderful construction of his... Well...

We know it's going to make millions when we put it on the market. On the market?

Yes. But I must apologize to all of you. We can't let you in on it. We have

decided only the people who really need money and need it badly can be in it.

And so that's why we have a wonderful Widow Parker, the grand old lady who

our laundry.

She's putting her entire life savings into this.

You all know Gus Miller, the blind newsboy who we love so. He's putting all

money into it.

You talk those people into putting money into that?

$350 worth. Talk them into it. I didn't have to talk to them at all.

This talked for me.

Ernie, Ernie, do Widow Parker, Gus Miller?

Yeah. They gotta get their money back.

Oh, they will. The first 350 bottles we sell at a dollar a bottle, they'll get

their money back. Ernie, what if they lose their money?

Yes. Suppose it was all a trick?

A trick? How could it be a trick?

I mean, who would do a thing? Whoever it was would pull a trick like this.

He'd be torn to pieces.

I mean, anybody would trick a dear old widow and a blind man. It couldn't be. I

mean, it's a wonderful... I'm so happy for these people.

350 bottles?

Yes, and a dollar a bottle.

Oh, they'll get their money back, I'm sure.

I'll take 100 bottles. Me too.

I'll take 100 too. Say, this is awfully nice.

Follow them to buy the first three. Oh, there was 350 bottles. That leaves 50

bottles left.

Well, we'll cover it. There's 20 more.

Really? I'll take 20 more. Oh, that's 300. Oh, they'll be so happy, and this

will be a wonderful thing for them. I want to thank you. It was awfully nice

you boys.

Rocco. Yo, excuse me. You know where to get this? And to whom? Yes. On the

double.

Aren't they swell to do a thing like this? Aren't they really?

Yeah. Bernie, this cost us a lot of money.

But I got news for you. We're going to get the last laugh. Are you really?

because we know something that you don't know, but we want to show everybody

here right now.

You mean this?

Yeah.

Elizabeth Fraser appeared as Sergeant Hogan.

Sergeant Pendleton was portrayed by Ned Glass.

Sergeant Grover by Jimmy Little.

Sergeant Zwicky by Harry Clark.

The only channel that funny... on carpet