Original subtitles

Yeah, that's right, operator.

Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas.

I don't like it. I'd get thrown off the track for this. Look, Tom, this guy

saved my life in the South Pacific. It's my one chance to make it up to him.

Fort Baxter.

Oh, can I speak to Sergeant Ernest Bilko?

He's on duty at the motor pool. Look, I'm calling all the way from New York.

It's very important.

I'll connect you with the motor pool.

Hold it, you guys!

Motor pool!

Private Doberman speaking.

Can I speak to Sergeant Bilko?

Bilko?

Wait a minute. I have to write it down.

B -I -L -K -O.

When I tell you I've got piston rods, I want, what is this, chatting time? For

you, Sarge. For me?

Yeah, why do I write it down?

It's for me, young man.

Hello.

Sergeant Bilko talking.

Hello, Ernie.

Bill Kropansky, remember?

Saipan, Okinawa?

Hey, Bill, how you been?

Hey, look, Ernie, I'm calling all the way from New York, so I gotta make this

quick. New York? Yeah, remember I told you that my brother Tom was a jockey?

Yeah, well, here he is.

Hello, Philco.

Hello, Tom. Say, I've been following your career.

I'm running your horse called Up over in the fifth race tomorrow at Belmont.

This morning at a secret workout, this horse beat the track record.

Ernie, he's going off at 40 to 1.

Ernie, I waited a long time to be able to pay you back, and this is it.

Now, remember, outside of ourselves, you're the only guy in the country that

knows about this. Put everything you've got on it.

Everything I got on it.

I'm the only one that knows it's 40 to 1.

Sarge, Sarge, you're as white as a ghost. What is it?

How about my honor? I can't tell you.

Write this down.

Fifth race at Belmont, popover, 40 to 1.

That took them a whole strike.

You been eavesdropping again, Doberman? Oh, Sarge, not another tip.

Not just another tip from one of the leading jockeys in the country.

Oh, the break of my life. Here it is. And I'm broke.

How much money you got? Forty cents.

He's been staking me.

I got a... Pendleton. He owes me $50.

No, no, you owe him.

Oh, that's the way it was, yeah.

Hock Sunday.

Kodowski's typewriter. It's Kodowski's.

Besides, we hocked it three months ago.

Yeah. Well, we got it out, didn't we, when we were hocking again. Not anymore.

Kodowski carries it around strapped to his back.

I've got to think. I've got to think.

Sarge, the platoon welfare fund.

Yeah, I've got to think.

What, Doberman? Oh, no.

Not that.

Not what? I know what you're thinking.

I'm thinking? You're thinking about the $200 in the platoon welfare fund which

the boys entrusted to you.

I'm ashamed of you, Doberman. You know that money is just for any member of the

platoon who needs the money for an emergency.

That's right.

It's for any member who needs to get married or has a baby or has a... In

of that, you want to bet it on a horse?

I know why. So you can get the credit when you distribute the $8 ,000 we'll

with that $200, huh?

$8 ,000? Tired of being the patsy of the outfit, huh? You want them to call you

the benefactor, don't you? You want them to say Doberman the brain. Oh, I wish I

could be like you.

Cold, razor sharp, one step ahead of the mob all the time.

Tell me, Doberman, how do you do it?

Well, I figured it was no good laying around there, not drawing you. All

get the money out of the way. Here I am.

Sarge, the platoon's money.

They'll spend the rest of their life thanking me. Get me an overnight pass.

got to get in town and place that bet with a bookmaker. Not a chance, Sarge.

Why? Nobody can leave the post. You see, Colonel Hall's gone to Topeka on an

enlistment program.

He wants nobody off the post while he's away.

Transportation. Order Colonel J .T. Hall and one sergeant to Topeka for duty at

enlistment booth State Fair Auditorium. Hey, hey!

That's it, boys.

You're looking at an enlisting sergeant.

Sarge, you are the last guy that Colonel will trust around rookies who've still

got money from home.

Let me speak to Colonel Hall, please.

The minute I get to Pika, I'll contact Lolita, a dancer that works at the Mambo

Hut. She'll steer me to a bookmaker. Sarge, the colonel will never take you

him. And I packed your winter pajamas, too, in case the nights get cold in

Topeka. Well, I'll only be gone for two days. Now, watch this.

You've packed my money belt, too?

Well, John, I thought that... Well, for goodness sakes, my money belt. I'm going

to Topeka, not the Barbary Coast.

Hello?

Sir, this is Sergeant Bilko. Sir, I wonder if I could ask the colonel, did

colonel intend to take me with him to Topeka, sir?

You? Bilko, I wouldn't take you to Topeka with me if the enemy was marching

the main street.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

What did he say? He's insisting I go with him. Get the staff car out of here.

John, why must you always be so suspicious of that nice Sergeant Bilko?

Why was he so happy to hear that I was going to be away? Now, John.

I never thought of it.

Bilko, alone on the post with me a hundred miles away.

The last time I went away, he had rookies down at the rifle range and was

charging them three shots per quarter.

And another time, he entered one of our Sherman tanks in the local stock car

race.

So that's what he's up to, seeing that I'm safely off to Topeka while he runs

one of his schemes.

Oh, no, he won't. He's not going to get away with it. Come in.

Also, the staff car's waiting to take you to Topeka, sir. And you're going

along. Me, sir? I'm not prepared, sir. I know, but you're not going to be alone

on this post. You're coming to Topeka with me.

Sir, you distinctly... That's an order. And don't try to wriggle out of it. No,

sir. Go and get your clothes packed.

Packed in the trunk of the car, ready to go, sir. Oh, well, I know you'd be in a

hurry, sir, because post time... I mean, the rookie, sir. And we'll have to go

on out.

Sorry, Mrs. Hall, we have to go after all. Duty before duty.

You are sweet.

Colonel, Colonel, come on. I'm double parked.

Goodbye, Nell. Oh, John, I do hope that during these two days alone with

Sergeant Bilko, you'll find out his true character.

Yes, dear.

Two days alone with Bilko?

Nell. What is it, dear?

Give me my money back.

Join the Marines right here. Join the Navy right here, men. Join the Navy

Just a second, young man, if you thought of the Marines as a career. I want to

join the Army. Well, you look over our brochure right here, and then you can

come back. Yes, quickly. Just a second, young man. Young man, have you

considered the opportunities the Navy offers you?

Lolita, I'm desperate. I've got to find a bookmaker right away.

The Army's in the next group.

Look, Lolita, you don't understand. It's a chance of a lifetime.

Wait, what is it? What? Go, go, go. Now, look, it's very important.

If I don't find a bookmaker, I'm going to grow the biggest opportunity of my

life. Now, look, Lolita, you must know what I can find. Excuse me. You want,

what is it? What, can't you see I'm busy? I'd like to sign up in the army.

Go some, we got no pencils. Go away. Look, it's very important, Lolita. I

one.

Look, Lolita, I'm stuck here with a troublemaker. Just a minute.

Did you take the marching test yet? That's very important. All right, look,

Lolita, you must know one bookmaker in town because this is the opportunity

been waiting for all my life.

Now, go away. What is it? What do you want? I want to join the army. We're out

of uniforms.

Go to the Navy. Look, honey.

Now, you must know one. I know the town is closed, tighter than a drum. But

what's the name of the guy who used to hang around your place?

The guy that your roommate, Carmen, knew a fella. He had a gold tooth in the

front. I think his name was Lonesome Sam.

Oh, Carmen had the gold tooth. Well, they were always together. I never knew.

But this guy, Lonesome Sam, he was a bookmaker.

All right, betting commissioner.

But I gotta have his number. I'd like to join the army.

You wouldn't like it. Look what they did to me. I'm only 19 years old. Look,

honey. I'd like to join. I had my heart set on it. Look, you'd like the Navy.

Chief, will you turn around?

Look at the Navy. Look at those units. Look at that spine. They give you...

right over here. You're over.

Row, row, row.

If you can give me Carmen's number, then I can... Give me Carmen's... What?

Well, have her call me at the enlistment booth at the State Fair Auditorium. The

number's Bixby 7.

Three, two, four.

Yes, have her get in touch with me. It's very important.

Look, if I put this over, I'll buy you a whole new set of maracas. Go to the

Navy, will you?

Yes, sir. Well, if you're not thinking of joining, sir, why don't you call ten

of your friends and have ten of your friends call ten of their friends? Thank

you very much, sir. It's a new idea in recruiting, sir. Chain phone call, sir.

I'll bet.

Bilko, you've been here all morning. How many men have you recruited? What, men?

Yes, how many men? How many men?

Do you want the exact number? The exact number. Or the approximate, sir? The

exact number. The exact. Oh, knowing you, I know you'd want the exact number.

Because you are full of... The exact number. Yes. My papers are such a mess,

I'll have to find out the exact number, sir.

Hello?

Sergeant who with the flashing eyes? Sir, I believe this call is for me, sir.

Lolita. Sir, this call is for me. If you don't... Velko, no personal calls or...

It's not personal. It's about a mother about her son enlisting in the army,

Hello, Mr.

Lolita? And how is your husband?

Mr. Lonesome Sam Lolita.

What? Carmen?

Carmen has the number? What's Carmen's number?

What? I'll tell it to me. I'll remember it.

Bigsby 7623.

All right, I'll call Carmen immediately.

Thank you, Mr. Lolita.

Carmen? Carmen, that's her son.

We're having trouble enlisting him, sir. You see, they live in a basement, and

he wants to join the submarine service. Something about the pressure on his

ears. I don't understand. You know, if you're up to something... Up to

something? When I'm in recruiting... No, not the... The army is here. Come join

the army. You'll find it's brand. The army is... Hello.

Carmen. Listen, did Lolita call you? Here's what... Ah, gee, gee.

Yes, here's what I want. Look, I want the number of bolts of sand. What are

so secretive about? This is a big opportunity. I'll put you in on it.

got a thing that comes along once in a lifetime.

What is this?

Somebody will get in touch with me? When? Any minute?

You told them where? All right, wait a minute. I think they're here now. What

it, young man?

Are you from Lonesome Sam?

No, I'm from Richard Hall.

Oh, excuse me. Is this a contest? No, it's just a save.

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? I'm expecting a

recruit, sir. That's what I'm looking for, a young recruit.

We're doing pretty good, Belko.

Over at the other booth, they've already signed up three recruits. Oh, bully,

bully. Now, how many men have you signed up?

Somebody just asked me that question. It was me. Oh, yes, how many men? Well,

sir, my papers are in such a mess, sir, I'll have to see.

Are you looking for someone as lonesome?

What? Oh, that's for me. This is the young recruit. Right this way. I'm

Belko, the man you're supposed to get in touch with.

You go right down to Lackawanna Plaza, Essex Avenue.

Lackawanna Plaza, Essex Avenue. Yeah, and you contact the organ grinder. Organ

grinder. His password is La Paloma. La Paloma. La Paloma? He wants the Spanish

army. It's right up the road.

Thank you very much.

Bill Coe, I've looked over all these records. You haven't signed up one

Well, sir, it's a terrible location here. Why don't we go to Lackawanna

Essex? There's a bedlam of activity, sir. Nonsense. The Navy's already signed

six. The Marines have signed up six. Well, you know how they are, so they'll

just take anybody. But not me, sir. I have an example in front of me. I want a

man of your caliber, sir. A precise man. A man who knows that tomorrow is

another day. And so I'll see you when the first thing in the morning will stop

right there.

Hold it. Hold it. Quiet.

One, two, three.

La Paloma!

This is it. Follow me, men!

We're in the army now. We're not behind the plow.

You'll never get rich by digging in their church.

Welcome, Sam.

Go, Miss Rockingham.

20 across on Straight Tail and the 3rd. Santa need a check.

Welcome, Sam.

Thunder and Kitty's dead.

Six of tropical. Gotcha.

Sam, $100 marker for Johnny.

Cut him down to 50.

We're in the army now.

We're not behind the plow.

You'll never get rich by digging a ditch. We're in the army now.

We're in the army now.

We're not behind the plow.

You'll never get rich by digging a ditch. We're in the army now.

Hey, Sarge, where are we? Our mission is almost completed. Let me read.

Seventh rivet from the top press.

One.

Are you taking anything to Sunshine Park?

Anything. Right. Hold it.

See who it is.

Hey, it looks like somebody in uniform.

Uniform?

headquarters of the Army Intelligence Western District.

Really? Yes, it's very acceptable. Keep it. Don't bother the officers.

Look, I got to get $200 on the whole. Ah, Bilko, I'm in enough trouble I don't

put bets on soldiers. Sam!

This is the whole platoon welfare fund. $200 on popovers. Let me see the odds.

The fifth race at Belmont.

Now, look, look, look, Bo. I can deliver a scratchy to you. Now I'm on the

phone. Sir, if it's a vital message, I can take it. I was on the track team at

school.

No. Okay, okay. I'm sending a kid over. He'll deliver it to you. Yeah, right.

Here.

621 Oak Terrace. On your way. Yes, sir.

621 Oak Terrace.

Hey, do you know where that is? No.

Ask a policeman.

Hey,

close that door.

All right, Sam. Is that about $200?

$40 to one?

Okay. Hey, it's time for the fifth at Belmont. Hey, put on the radio.

We're at the post of fifth at Belmont. At the post? Yeah, the fifth regiment at

Fort Belmont.

Yeah, army maneuvers.

Popover? Yeah, General Popover. He always leads his men.

Little Mabel? That's the General's wife. She's always by his side. Come on,

Popover.

Did they forget their rifles?

Popover, Little Mabel, and Battleship Gray.

Battleship? The Navy is in on it. Combined operations.

I was holding these men at bay until you were right. I only ask a policeman.

Sarge, are we arrested?

No trouble. It's a civilian defense drill. You're doing a grand job, sir.

Okay,

bring

in the next batch.

You ready for us, sir?

Get those shoulders back. Let's be proud. General, we're ready to be

out. Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought this was the armory.

This is a pretty sight, an American sergeant with

five young rookies falling in a horse parlor. Sergeant Bill Hunter.

Name, rank, and serial number, that's all you have to give.

May I remind you of the Geneva conference that states that you've

As a citizen and a member of the armed forces, I believe I'm entitled to one

question. Go ahead.

Who won the fifth race at Belmont? It was such excitement. Quiet!

Sam, step forward.

All right, where is he? We got the whole bunch, Chief. Sir, I kept him at bay

until the police came. Quiet!

Yes, sir.

So we finally nabbed you, Sam, huh?

I'm going to show you that this city has no use for bookmakers.

And as far as you horse players are concerned, I'm going to make an example

of every one of you.

He was the runner we picked up. Sir, I knew he was just on the minute I saw

Never mind. He has your eyes, those steely eyes, sir. Will you shut up? You

be proud of that chin. He's your boy. Can you see the afternoon papers?

Chief of police, some nabbed in a rake. Excuse me, sir. Here, here. What are you

doing? Just the racing section, sir.

Now, what are we going to do?

Relax, Bilko. Your horse lost.

He lost? Yeah.

Oh, there goes the 200 bucks for the picture. Look, Bilko, I'll give you back

the 200 bucks if you help me beat this rap.

You will? Yeah. Be realistic.

I am.

I've never let my personal life interfere with my duty, and I'm not

start now.

I've never been able to hang a rap on Sam.

And if he's guilty, they're all guilty.

Yeah, but Chief... No, no, no, there's no other way out. Excuse me, sir, but

there is a way out. Oh, there is? Believe me, sir, I'm very sincere. Will

excuse me just a minute, sir?

Sam, were you and your boys ever pinched before?

Our record's clean.

Sir, I have the solution.

Believe me, if I can have you in the privacy of your office for just a

sir... Okay, follow me.

Congratulations, Colonel.

Thank you, General.

Sergeant, those ten men you recruited topped the Navy and the Marines.

Ten? That's a lot of time. A little time on my hands, sir.

Best of luck. Welcome.

A special few inches. Good luck to you, boy.

May I have you aboard?

Good luck, Colonel.

Where's Longston Stanton?

Where's Longston Stanton?

Where's Longston?

Did you see Longston? Where's Longston Stanton?

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell to Phil Silver's Invertivision.